I had an EA

[daisygirl]

Hello everyone. I am totally new here, and have been reading everyone's stories, and I decided it was time to share my own. I realize that this forum has both sides of affairs, so I know that I will get some criticism as well as sympathy, and I am not really looking for either, just want to vent, I guess....so here it goes....

 

I recently got involved in an online EA. We met in November, neither of us were looking for an affair (he's actually single, but he still wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time). We first chatted online for a few days, honestly just friendly conversation. After a week or so, we realized that we really enjoyed each other's conversations and he asked if I would ever call him. BTW, I was honest with him from the beginning and he knew I was married with a son. He knew I was having some problems in my marriage. Nothing really horrible, but my husband is a bit controlling, has a horrible temper, and can be very critical, especially when I'm already down. He's a workaholic and is rarely home, and when he is home, he never wants to talk to me. I started feeling like I was just the mother of his son, not his wife. I got rejected sexually for a LONG time...and YES, I have tried talking to him about all this in the past...he always blamed it on his working too much. I am emotional, I crave attention, and I am a stay-at-home-mom, so attention from this new guy was exciting for me. I decided to call him, even though I was nervous, and I wasn't sure if the phone conversations would be as great as it was online. It turned out we felt completely comfortable talking to each other and ended up telling each other everything. He wanted to know everything about me, and me about him. I got so caught up in it, and I know that sounds pathetic, but I just did. It was so great talking to someone who I had so much in common with and wanted to know so much about me. H and I got married one month after meeting, so we never really had that "getting to know you" phase. H is also 10 years older than me, and he comes from a different country with a much different culture. He is Muslim, so he is much more conservative than I am. The OM is my age, more liberal, more exciting, all the things H isn't. He cared about my dreams and aspirations, and wanted to explore them with me. Looking back, I KNOW that I should have stopped this EA long before our feelings got involved. I still don't feel like we fell in love, because we never even met in person. But as crazy as it may sound to most of you, there was a connection that I never felt with my H. We talked on the phone almost every day for 3 months. Why didn't I stop it before? I wish I knew. I wanted (still want) to be with this man that i never met (we did exchange many photos, so I have "seen" him).

 

I still haven't told H about this EA. I cannot tell him. I ended the EA last Tuesday, and I am going to go to individual counseling and H and I are going to start marriage counseling. We had problems before this EA. I remember not feeling a connection with H long before I met the OM. I put in in the back of my mind and tried to ignore it. It's not just the the lack of connection/passion either. We argue a lot, and as I said, he has a bad temper and has hurt me with the things he says a lot. I have asked him to go to counseling many times before, and he always refused. Recently, I have threatened divorce, so now he's willing to try. The EA definitely clouded my judgement. I thought life with the OM would be so much better than life with my H, and if I wasn't already married, it possibly could be. But my gut was telling me that I have a husband and he and I have a child together and I owe it to all of us to try counseling to work on it. Since the EA, I have not been so nice to my H. I honestly have been a b****, and now he feels like he doesn't love me anymore. I still love him, but we are lacking the romantic/passionate feelings that I desire. I know that after 5 years of marriage and having a child, some things die. But I see how other couples with children still look at each other, kiss each other, and H and I lost that a long time ago (before the EA).

 

I totally regret the EA. I cut off contact last Tuesday, as I said. But I am still wishing I could talk to him. I miss him. Everything reminds me of him. I wonder how my life would be with him. I hate this. I hurt him, too. He said he was starting to think I was someone he could spend his life with. Then I went and told him we couldn't talk anymore. I never thought I was the type of person to have an affair. Sure, we never even met, but I shared more with the OM than I have with my H. I hurt my H and I hurt the OM. Now I am hurting, but I guess I deserve it.

 

Since the NC with the OM, I have starting feeling more love towards H, but I have to admit, it's not what I was hoping for. I feel love as a friendship kind of love. I want to feel more for him. Will it ever come back? Anyone else been through this? This is killing me. Will counseling help rekindle any feelings for my H and me??

 

Sorry that was sooooo long. I am sure I was all over the place, too. My emotions are crazy right now, so I hope it all made sense. Thanks for reading (if anyone made it this far )

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is give it time and do the counselling. You need to get the OM completely out of your mind and then see how you truly feel about your husband.

[daisygirl]

All you can do is give it time and do the counselling. You need to get the OM completely out of your mind and then see how you truly feel about your husband.

 

 

I wish I could get the OM out of my mind. Right now, it seems impossible. Luckily, he lives in another state, so it's not like I have to see him, but the thoughts are killing me. I can't stop. It's like a drug. I feel so weak.

 

Thanks for the response

[whichwayisup]

Give that time, allow yourself to grieve OM. Keep busy, distract yourself when you find yourself thinking of OM, especially at night time. Don't allow yourself to 'remember' how he made you feel. Think of your husband instead.

 

Your OM was a habit, so treat it like one - Get out of that routine and do new hobby's, spend time with family, friends and ofcourse, your husband.

[TMCM]

It is not my intention to be harsh or judgemental but your EA and the fact that you married your H one month after you met him, seem to show that you MAY be an emotionally insecure person who feels she must be in a committed relationship in order to be happy. I strongly urge you to also consider IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve this issue otherwise you run the risk of never becoming emotionally strong enough to leave an emotionally abusive marriage and falling prey to another EA or full blown affair which will totally devastate you, your H and your child. Remember that the only person you have the power to change for the better is you.

[daisygirl]

It is not my intention to be harsh or judgemental but your EA and the fact that you married your H one month after you met him, seem to show that you MAY be an emotionally insecure person who feels she must be in a committed relationship in order to be happy. I strongly urge you to also consider IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve this issue otherwise you run the risk of never becoming emotionally strong enough to leave an emotionally abusive marriage and falling prey to another EA or full blown affair which will totally devastate you, your H and your child. Remember that the only person you have the power to change for the better is you.

 

I need someone to be honest with me, so it's fine! I was 22 when we got married, in a vunerable place (long story), and hindsight is 20/20, right? Now I am 27, much more confident, but I definitely still need to be more secure with myself. That is why I am starting individual counseling tomorrow. H says he will try the MC, but he doesn't sound too hopeful. Can't say I blame him - I really messed up.

 

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it, and as strange as it sounds, the harshness is good for me.

Edited February 24, 2008 by daisygirl

[carhill]

To attempt to continue in the "harsh" vein, hubby has important issues to deal with:

 

Controlling

Horrible temper

Sexually distant

Workaholic

 

You can only control your actions, IMO most importantly NC with the EA and working on what I suspect is an insecure attachment style.

 

Let me ask you. How did you perceive that your husband "loved you" before the EA? It's important to understand your perspective. Currently, how do you perceive your husband's perspective on the state of your marriage pre-EA? Did he think everything was "fine" before?

 

Good luck with the IC. It will help...

[daisygirl]

To attempt to continue in the "harsh" vein, hubby has important issues to deal with:

 

Controlling

Horrible temper

Sexually distant

Workaholic

 

You can only control your actions, IMO most importantly NC with the EA and working on what I suspect is an insecure attachment style.

 

Let me ask you. How did you perceive that your husband "loved you" before the EA? It's important to understand your perspective. Currently, how do you perceive your husband's perspective on the state of your marriage pre-EA? Did he think everything was "fine" before?

 

Good luck with the IC. It will help...

 

Wow, I am so glad I decided to post here. It's so nice to get honesty without judgment....there is a difference!! Thanks again, to everyone!

 

Now to answer your questions....How did I perceive he loved me? We've been through a lot together, and I am obviously emotionally needy and I figure if he has put up with me this long, there must be something there. My mom caused stress on us, too. She is bipolar and couldn't hold a job, so she lived with us for a year. My husband was kind enough to let her stay here until i finally kicked her out (tough love). How could I leave someone who put up with my mother's issues for so long? I honestly NEVER felt that strong "connection" with him, but is that just a fairy tale anyway?

 

How did H feel before the EA? Yes, he thought everything was fine, and that we just had problems like everyone else. I tried and tried to talk to him about how I felt, and like I said in the OP, he always said our problems were due to the fact that I cry too much and he works too much, but that he didn't plan on cutting back on work, because he can't. he owns a small restaurant, so this is partially true,....it's hard to find/afford good help.

 

One more thing to add. I am currently in school part time, but have decided to get a full time job and put school on hold for awhile. I have a few interviews lined up. I figure either way, it will benefit us/me. If we do split, i'll have some finances of my own and a job to support my son; and if we stay together, maybe it will give me a sense of identity and some other adults to talk to, and a sense of accomplishment. Being a stay-at-home mom is an unappreciated job, IMO. H seems to think that me getting a job will help "distract" me from my thoughts and help keep me busy during the day, which is true, but it's not going to change EVERYTHING!

Edited February 24, 2008 by daisygirl

[directx]

Don't beat yourself up over the EA too much. It didn't go any further.

And ending the EA was the right thing to do.

 

I ended an EA and I am TOTALLY over it. And it's what you HAVE to do if you are going to work on your marriage.

 

If you have an EA brewing, it's not going to be helpful mentally working on your marriage IMO.

 

And I don't know if you need to tell you H about it. The EA could be misconstrued or made a bigger deal than it actually was, causing more harm than good. Again, just my opinion

[carhill]

Yep, I knew there was more to the story.

 

Here's an important nuance (to me). Was your husband ever emotionally engaged with you (at any time), or did you "chase" him emotionally and finally wear him down? He sounds detached and his style for dealing with stressors is to detach (distance) himself emotionally.

 

I'm not pursuing this vein to "justify" the EA, but rather to gage the efficacy prognosis for MC. IC is important for you, but I fear the marriage would not survive in any meaningful way without MC.

 

I've experienced the reverse (imagine reversing the gender roles) and it was my mother and dementia instead of your mother and bi-polar.

 

In my opinion, do not be afraid of looking critically at yourself and acknowledging your emotional and/or mental state. Remember, the brain is an organ like any other in the body and varies in its function and can malfunction. Both our mother's diseases are evidence of that. I've done this and it has changed me.

 

I wish you well

[daisygirl]

Yep, I knew there was more to the story.

 

Here's an important nuance (to me). Was your husband ever emotionally engaged with you (at any time), or did you "chase" him emotionally and finally wear him down? He sounds detached and his style for dealing with stressors is to detach (distance) himself emotionally.

 

I'm not pursuing this vein to "justify" the EA, but rather to gage the efficacy prognosis for MC. IC is important for you, but I fear the marriage would not survive in any meaningful way without MC.

 

I've experienced the reverse (imagine reversing the gender roles) and it was my mother and dementia instead of your mother and bi-polar.

 

In my opinion, do not be afraid of looking critically at yourself and acknowledging your emotional and/or mental state. Remember, the brain is an organ like any other in the body and varies in its function and can malfunction. Both our mother's diseases are evidence of that. I've done this and it has changed me.

 

I wish you well

 

Thanks again for the input. I told H, just today, that our marriage will not survive without MC, so I am hoping he takes it seriously. I am not trying to be negative, just realistic. And the IC is crucial for me. Whether I stay with H or if we do divorce, I want to be emotionally stable and able to be in healthy relationships. I understand that things will not always be perfect and there will be arguments, but I think H and I have more issues to deal with.

 

 

ETA: This could be crucial, and H HATES to admit this to anyone else, BUT the ONLY reason he asked me to marry him so quickly was because he needed his visa extended to stay in the US. Yes, he told me that at the time, and I convinced myself that "I would have married him eventually anyway, so why not now". Yeah, not bright, I know. I really am intelligent, but emotionally, not so much. I think we enjoyed each other's company and had some fun, but never really fell "in love" - whatever that is. but now, here we are, 5 years later with a beautiful son that we both love dearly.....he has said that he did end up loving me, and felt that I was a "good person" and God would punish him if he left me after marrying me just for his visa/citizenship. Now he wants to work on things for our son.

Edited February 24, 2008 by daisygirl

[carhill]

Interesting....very familiar with this as well, due to my travels in Eastern Europe in the late 90's. Understood the "fiance visa" and citizenship via marriage very well. No judgments there, to be sure. Compatibility and love don't know borders.

 

I think we enjoyed each other's company and had some fun, but never really fell "in love" - whatever that is.

 

Hmmm.... The more I read, the more I think that IC will really help you. I'd suggest a referral to a respected psychologist if you can afford it.

 

The reason I say that is that, when you say "whatever that is", it indicates to me that you've never felt the complete emotional and physical connection to another human being. Nothing wrong or bad about that at all, but it is pertinent to the therapy process.

 

Do you have friends/family in real life who you can talk to?

[daisygirl]

Interesting....very familiar with this as well, due to my travels in Eastern Europe in the late 90's. Understood the "fiance visa" and citizenship via marriage very well. No judgments there, to be sure. Compatibility and love don't know borders.

 

 

 

Hmmm.... The more I read, the more I think that IC will really help you. I'd suggest a referral to a respected psychologist if you can afford it.

 

The reason I say that is that, when you say "whatever that is", it indicates to me that you've never felt the complete emotional and physical connection to another human being. Nothing wrong or bad about that at all, but it is pertinent to the therapy process.

 

Do you have friends/family in real life who you can talk to?

 

I am starting IC tomorrow, but it's through my college, so it's more affordable for us. The MC will be $30 per session, and H said he hopes we can fix things quickly so we don't have to pay so much. I know he's joking, but it's still kind of a weird thing to say at this point.

 

I do have friends/siblings I have been talking to, and they all agree that counseling will help. Everyone is also very concerned about what my life (and my son's life), financially, will be like if I did leave my H. But I cannot stay just to be financially secure. But I will admit that fear is one reason I want to stay. H controls all the finances...I have nothing in my name, no job, no college degree, no rich relatives...lol. H said if we get divorced, he will fight me to no end to get full custody of our son, and I cannot handle the thought of that.

[carhill]

I would try to avoid projecting forward too far (the "what if" scenarios) due to it taking time and energy away from the present process (hey, I learned that from our psychologist ) but your concerns are valid. Your husband's citizenship status may or may not be pertinent and you will likely find the specific processes to be pretty fair, if stressful. But, again, that's projection, and it taints the current energy dynamic.

 

One step and one day at a time. IMO, it's important to obtain therapy which you feel is effective, so I suggest evaluating the process as you go. As an example, our psychologist bills at 165.00/hr and we pay around 100 per session. We are not rich but I've found the value to be quite high, high enough where I make sacrifices elsewhere for his competency. He also has the backbone to deal with my intellectual "debates" which you'll likely see plenty of here on LS.

 

Keep us updated! Glad to see friends/family are on-board. You'll make it!

[daisygirl]

I would try to avoid projecting forward too far (the "what if" scenarios) due to it taking time and energy away from the present process (hey, I learned that from our psychologist ) but your concerns are valid. Your husband's citizenship status may or may not be pertinent and you will likely find the specific processes to be pretty fair, if stressful. But, again, that's projection, and it taints the current energy dynamic.

 

One step and one day at a time. IMO, it's important to obtain therapy which you feel is effective, so I suggest evaluating the process as you go. As an example, our psychologist bills at 165.00/hr and we pay around 100 per session. We are not rich but I've found the value to be quite high, high enough where I make sacrifices elsewhere for his competency. He also has the backbone to deal with my intellectual "debates" which you'll likely see plenty of here on LS.

 

Keep us updated! Glad to see friends/family are on-board. You'll make it!

 

Thanks, so much, for all your help.

 

I try hard not to think of the "what-ifs", but with having a child involved, I feel that I have to be prepared for anything. Our son is only 2, and he's VERY important to both of us.

 

I will keep you updated as things progress, and thanks again!

[blackbird]

We met in November, neither of us were looking for an affair (he's actually single, but he still wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time). We first chatted online for a few days, honestly just friendly conversation.

 

You really believe the above? You think his intentions were entirely friendly at the start? Come now.

[daisygirl]

You really believe the above? You think his intentions were entirely friendly at the start? Come now.

 

I know for sure that he wasn't looking for anything "serious" or for any feelings to get involved. I enjoyed the attention, and then we took it too far. Maybe "friendly" was a bad choice of words.

Edited February 25, 2008 by daisygirl

[daisygirl]

Just a quick update. I started IC on Monday, and really liked my counselor, so I hope things will go well there. I sure need it

 

I made an appt for MC today but we can't get in until March 10. H seems negative about it all, but at least he's willing to go.

 

I'm still wishing I could push a button on myself and make myself "feel something" for H again. Like I said in my other post, I feel a love for him, but it's not anything more than friendship at this point. He seems very depressed and aggressive towards me lately....complaining about what I made for dinner, etc. I didn't get defensive like I normally would because I am trying to keep things civil. He's still making comments about "when we're divorced" and things like that. I guess he's either ready for divorce or he's testing me to see how I react to his comments. Not sure what he's thinking....

 

thanks for reading!

 

 

ETA: One more thing, I need to tell my counselor this, but has anyone else ever felt this way?.......I feel like if my H were to meet another woman and leave me, I'd be fine with it, and would actually be happy for him if he found someone he was more compatible with. Is that totally messed up, or what? Are my feelings dead or just need rekindled?

Edited February 27, 2008 by daisygirl

[Owl]

You're still "in withdrawl" due to the recent loss of the relationship with OM.

 

So you're still emotionally detached from your H.

 

This is normal...and will fade with time and effort on both your part and that of your H.

 

But in order for your marriage to rebuild into a BETTER one...it needs to be founded on HONESTY.

 

That means telling your H about the EA. You need to tell your MC about the EA too.

 

Otherwise, you're trying to rebuild your house while ignoring the big pink elephant that's standing in the middle of the buildsite.

 

What's happened will have massive impact on how you're feeling, and how your marriage should recover. If you attempt to recover/rebuild your marriage without taking it into account, your odds of success are EXTREMELY low.

 

Use your MC as a format to bring the EA out in the open.

[daisygirl]

You're still "in withdrawl" due to the recent loss of the relationship with OM.

 

So you're still emotionally detached from your H.

 

This is normal...and will fade with time and effort on both your part and that of your H.

 

But in order for your marriage to rebuild into a BETTER one...it needs to be founded on HONESTY.

 

That means telling your H about the EA. You need to tell your MC about the EA too.

 

Otherwise, you're trying to rebuild your house while ignoring the big pink elephant that's standing in the middle of the buildsite.

 

What's happened will have massive impact on how you're feeling, and how your marriage should recover. If you attempt to recover/rebuild your marriage without taking it into account, your odds of success are EXTREMELY low.

 

Use your MC as a format to bring the EA out in the open.

 

 

I totally understand what you're saying....but, I honestly do not think I can ever tell my H about the EA. I am about 99% sure that he would never forgive me. In his culture, it's ok for a man to cheat, but not a woman. He got mad at me when he saw me talking to a guy at the gym a couple weeks ago. He said the guy was flirting with me and guys only flirt with women when the woman is tempting him. He was so pissed that he wanted me out of the house. Later, he "forgave" me and said I could stay. If I told him about the EA, it'd be over. I can't risk that.

Edited February 27, 2008 by daisygirl

[Owl]

So you're ok with lying (by omission) to your H for the rest of your life so that you can keep him in your life?

[daisygirl]

So you're ok with lying (by omission) to your H for the rest of your life so that you can keep him in your life?

 

I don't want to lie, but I know that by telling him, he'd either never forgive me and threaten me with the custody thing, or, in the very small chance that he forgave me, he'd hold it over my head the rest of our lives and use it against me. I know him well enough to know he'd do that. His culture is different....not saying it's wrong, but women are not really equal, even though he hates to admit this. I know the EA was wrong....I wish it had never happened. But I stopped it before it went further. I don't know what else to do.

[Owl]

Again, it boils down to either telling the truth to him...or lying to him for the rest of your life.

 

Its not pretty...but that's exactly what it is.

 

Does he not deserve to know the truth? If he cheated...wouldn't YOU want to know the truth, so that you could work to fix the issues? Do you really think that you're going to be able to rebuild your marriage while ignoring this huge, huge issue?

 

I totally understand your fear. It IS possible that he'd leave you over this. Its also very possible that it could trigger a desire to fix things too.

 

Again...do you think that you're going to be ok with lying to him for the rest of your life?

[Owl]

If you really feel good with this choice...then I'll shut up and not post to your thread anymore.

 

I can see why you don't want to tell him.

 

I just can't see how you'd live with him and NOT get this out in the open.

[daisygirl]

Again, it boils down to either telling the truth to him...or lying to him for the rest of your life.

 

Its not pretty...but that's exactly what it is.

 

Does he not deserve to know the truth? If he cheated...wouldn't YOU want to know the truth, so that you could work to fix the issues? Do you really think that you're going to be able to rebuild your marriage while ignoring this huge, huge issue?

 

I totally understand your fear. It IS possible that he'd leave you over this. Its also very possible that it could trigger a desire to fix things too.

 

Again...do you think that you're going to be ok with lying to him for the rest of your life?

 

As selfish as it may sound, at this point, I am not planning on telling him. I am not usually a liar, but this is what I think is best. It's not ONLY the fear of him leaving me, it's the fact that he would threaten me and/or hold it against me forever, whether we stay together or not. I can't have my son taken away, or even threatened to be taken away from me over this.