Sorry for the length -- my first post.

[audrey_1]

Hello all. I'm new to the forum and this is my first post.

 

Here's my story.

 

A year ago, I broke my engagement. We were living together, and during that time, I realized I would be making a big mistake if I went through with the marriage. It was a difficult decision to make, but I left, and being single has been fine. I've never had much trouble being alone; I prefer it over being miserable in a relationship.

 

So -- this brings me to my current situation. Last June, an elementary school friend found me on myspace. I had not seen him since the eighth grade, though we lived in the same city. We went to different high schools. He was very shy, did not socialize much, in the choir. A behind the scenes guy. I was out every weekend, on the dance line, in the middle of things.

 

He asked me did I remember him, which I definitely did. I always liked him.

 

I live in Atlanta, GA. He lives in Birmingham, AL.

 

So we got together soon after he contacted me, had a blast, have a lot of the same interests, tons of chemistry, laughter and good conversation. It's 3 a.m., and we're at his house. He is going to sleep on the couch, me on the bed. It didn't last. I made the move, and we ended up having the most passionate, wonderful sex I've ever had. He made me look into his eyes, which, sadly, I've not experienced before during sex. And I have NEVER been compelled to initiate sex, and definitely NOT on a first date.

 

So, after this, he said there were definite feelings to explore, but he had just gotten out of a 15 month relationship, and he thought we should take it slow and casual. In the past 8 months, we've seen each other maybe 15 times. We've gone to dinner, a pro football game, an art museum. Sometimes we're intimate, other times we're not. We always laugh a lot, have good conversation, and I've noticed how his face lights up when he sees me and looks at me, and I can feel mine doing the same when I'm with him. He's playful with how he touches me, and though I can sense his restraint, he sometimes makes silly jokes which require him to tug on me or nudge me like we're old school pals. It's funny. Guess he's still kinda shy.

 

We've revisited the fact we're casual a couple of times, and he's said it's because his professional/financial future is in limbo right now, that financial security is what drives him, his logical mind is telling him to take it one step at a time, because unlike his heart, his mind has never hurt/failed him.

 

He told me he had a crush on me up until we didn't see each other anymore in high school, but that there was no one who really replaced me. We're in our early thirties now.

 

If his jobs ends next month, he may be moving to another part of the country.

 

In the beginning, he called me, not a lot, but still called. After we discussed how much we dislike the phone, it turned to text messages and emails, which is where we are now. And those are becoming less. We see each other when I'm in Birmingham visiting my parents, or when he makes a trip to see me once a month or every other month.

 

I've tried to break it off more than once, but he always comes back with some benign way of blowing it off.

 

Oh, and twice during sex he has whispered that he loves me, but I didn't acknowledge it. He has not said it any other time.

 

What does it all mean?

Edited February 28, 2008 by audrey_1

[dropdeadlegs]

It means you are awake very late with these thoughts and questions!

 

Why have you "tried to break it off?"

 

It all seems like a wonderful beginning that has gone on for months to me.

 

You mentioned that the contact is becoming less frequent. Is that on both sides or one?

 

Do you love him? He has said it twice and you haven't responded in kind.

 

It's hard to know what it all means without having more facts.

[audrey_1]

I've tried to break it off out of fear, I guess. I'm kind of proud, and since he's steadfastly staying with the "let's keep it casual," somehow I feel like he's in total control of our situation, or that we'll be casual right up until he doesn't want to see me anymore, and he breaks it off. But would I really want a relationship if he was open to it? Last week, I told him that I didn't want any definition, not casual, not dating, nothing. It will be what it will be. It was a relief. He has never come out and said he cared about me, he misses me, or anything like that. He only says he enjoys spending time with me. Except for when he whispered he loved me during sex. No, I did not say it back, but I have written it to him in an email, not in closing, but more in conversation. He never signs his emails with anything other than his name. We didn't see each other for Valentines Day or get each other anything. He just sent me an email that said "Happy Valentines Day." But we got each other gifts in December...his were very thoughtful, like he's been paying attention to my likes. He mentions us doing things in the future, like taking trips, or other things. But about six months in, guess this was back in November, when we revisited being casual, he said that at this point in all his past relationships, he's really connected with them, cared about them, but was okay being friends. I asked him did this include me....he laughed and said yes. Yet here we are. I do care about him very much, whether it's love or not, I'm not really sure. I guess the communication becoming less frequent has been on both sides, but whenever we do email or text one another, our responses are immediate. We don't make each other wait.

Edited February 28, 2008 by audrey_1

[TMichaels]

So, forget about what may be going on in his head about where this is all headed, for a moment.

 

What do YOU want?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[audrey_1]

I honestly don't know. I always run when relationships get serious. I feel that he is somehow different, but I'm not sure it will make a difference. I want to be with him, and I want to know his feelings for me are genuine. But if all that was out of the way, and we openly loved each other, I'm not sure it would be enough. We are both very independent.

[carhill]

Wow, you never looked into your now ex-fiance's eyes during lovemaking?

 

Why would you (or he) dislike the phone? Hearing a loved one's voice always makes my day, even though I love typing on the computer.

 

I'm hearing so many conflicting emotions here I'm about ready to run to my therapist

 

Seriously, and I mean this with all sincerity, it sounds like the two of you are screwing up what could be a really good thing. I personally think both of you are projecting too much onto each others perspective and not holding true to your own.

 

Before I was married, I had some close female friends (non-sexual) and I never failed to remember their birthdays/holidays/Val Day, etc. It's what friends do for each other, even if a simple card with a personal note. They did the same for me.

 

Get on the phone and put away that text/computer stuff. Hear each other's voice and feel each other's emotions. Give it your best shot, let him know what you want and set yourself a personal time limit. Once reached, thank him for his time and friendship and go NC, if the relationship isn't where you want it to be.

 

Good luck!

[TMichaels]

I honestly don't know. I always run when relationships get serious. I feel that he is somehow different, but I'm not sure it will make a difference. I want to be with him, and I want to know his feelings for me are genuine. But if all that was out of the way, and we openly loved each other, I'm not sure it would be enough. We are both very independent.

 

"Independent" does not mean devoid of all feelings, nor does it mean at the expense of relationships with others. And sometimes, "being independent" is a lifestyle one develops to keep people away and to avoid getting hurt.

 

Does any of this ring a bell?

 

Also, have you thought of the fact , if you're so low-key and reticent, is it any wonder that this new guy is suggesting "let's keep this casual?" Based on your behavior he may have figured that's what you want, and now he's gotten your attention again, he doesn't want to blow it by pushing things along. Add all that to the fact you think he's shy, and is it any wonder the relationship is creeping along?

 

I have to agree with carhill, here. As long as the two of you aren't genuine and up-front about what you want and how you feel, you're going to continue to be at cross purposes and wasting a lot of time that could have been spent nurturing and enjoying a great relationship.

 

You need to get a handle on what you want and get over whatever it is that's preventing you from getting it. Sometimes it helps to get some professional guidance. You may want to consider that, too.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for the additional posts info. I know how if feels to have a long post and want to be brief, yet some situations cannot really be described briefly.

 

I can't possibly "know" what it all means, so please take everything with a gigantic grain of salt. Relationships of any kind are too multifaceted for me to have much insight, but I'll just try to give a few ideas possibilities to kick around. I'm sure that I will leave some important subject untouched in the process.

 

I'm wondering....do you have some commitment issues? Do you think he might have some? In relationships, especially in the first year and likely far more common in those involving distance, I think we say what we believe the other wants to hear in order to keep a harmonic balance. While not privy to the interactions between you two, I'm getting the feeling that both of you have some walls built up for some reason(s.) Since he keeps coming back when you try to break it off, and since you are concerned about the direction this is heading, I think that maybe both of you are reluctant to let go, and may even want more. Yet there is some fear involved in pursuing anything more than "casual."

 

I'm curious if either of you see other people. If not, then I would call this "exclusive" rather than "casual." Regardless of the infrequency of the visits.

 

I sense that your "independence" is more a fear of being hurt. From what you have posted about him, he seems to have been hurt in the past by letting someone in too close to his heart.

 

I guess I'm questioning the overall honesty between you two. Sometimes the way we feel going into a relationship changes over time, so our responsibility is to make those changes known to the other party. For instance, when I met my boyfriend, I had been married twice and both had failed. Marriage was the last thing I was looking for. I still have no requirement for marriage, but I would marry him if he required it. We have talked about this, and he would marry me if I required it, too. Still, initially, in the beginning both of us were adamant that neither of us would ever marry again. I'm really cool with not being married now, and may feel that way forever, but it's nice to have had that conversation and know that if I find it important at some point in the future, that it can be achieved. We both changed our minds because our relationship changed our minds. Since we aren't planning marriage, maybe that's a lame example. The point is that things change, and sometimes they change on both sides.

 

I agree that the texts and emails are not good means of communication. There isn't the same tone, volume, and expression that voice allows. Text and email are far easier to misconstrue due to the lack of expression involved. Even smilies only have so much power. Ideally face to face communication is best, but phone is second best with email and text a far distance in communicative value.

 

His possible job move is an important factor. Now you are a few hours apart. A larger distance would make a big difference to me. There is so much to consider on that front. I don't think I would handle a loooong distance very well.

 

I don't know, the fact that you posted indicates to me that you want more from this guy, but you're also afraid to acknowledge even wanting more. That's okay, I understand. I do wish you well in the outcome, though.

[audrey_1]

Well, on more than one occasion, he's mentioned he isn't seeing anyone else. I guess the last time he mentioned that was about a month ago; it could have changed by now, though with his work situation, I doubt he would put forth the effort, but I could be wrong. I haven't seen anyone else yet, but opportunities have presented themselves. From the very start, he has said he wanted to be casual, that he hoped our relationship grows, but that's how he's gone into every relationship he's ever been in. He hasn't wavered from that. I really don't think he's being untruthful about it....or maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. If I was the right girl for him, regardless of his situation, maybe he'd be ready. I know face to face is best, but we aren't able to do that as often as we like, and lately, I'm the only one trying to make sure we have any real face time. He told me he just doesn't feel like trying to make a relationship work. So I think I should just let it go. Yes, I have commitment issues, and I think he does, too. I've had relationships that lasted more than a few months or a year, though, which he hasn't. I don't think he's dated anyone for more than around a year.