I have online evidence is this cheating

[littletoes]

HI there. I just found out that my boyfriend of 2.5 years has been online all of this time chatting to women on dating sites and asking them out on dates. Please help me. I'm not sure how to appraoch him on this. I just found out today and I'm devastated. Also we have been having issues for the past few days. Has anyone out there exp the same if so please help.

[Trialbyfire]

When you discover cheating, it can be devastating. I do feel for you.

 

I have also experienced cheating but in real life v. strictly cyberspace. Asking someone out while deliberately surfing dating sites would be cheating, in my books. He had intent and the means to take it further, which he may well have done without your knowledge.

 

I would print out any examples of such, then talk to him about it. Don't show your printed examples until he lies, which most cheaters do. They're lying is commonly known as gaslighting. When he gaslights you, shut him down with each piece of evidence. After awhile of this, he's cornered. Then get more information from him.

 

This interrogation will rip your heart out. Make sure you rip his heart out too, a chunk at a time. Then, after you've ripped out his heart as much as you need, drop him like a hot rock.

 

I'm a firm believer in consequences to actions. If a cheater is never held accountable for their actions, they never learn anything. While people will say for you to take the high road, what then of his next victim?

[littletoes]

Thanks for the reply. I've also been cheated on life so I know how it feels as well. I'm completley like a ghost. I'm crying like hell and I don't want to feel this way. There is an issue. This person who had the proof has deleted the proof because she found out from a friend a while back that me ans this person broke up about few months ago and recently found out that we got back together. The person has told me about all the conversations that they had. She has told me about stuff that I know of him that Ive never spoke to any of my G'fs about she knows alot of stuff he even gave her his number to call if she needed anything

 

Now I'm screwed because now I only have her word. AND His profile online.

[Lookingforward]

Thanks for the reply. I've also been cheated on life so I know how it feels as well. I'm completley like a ghost. I'm crying like hell and I don't want to feel this way. There is an issue. This person who had the proof has deleted the proof because she found out from a friend a while back that me ans this person broke up about few months ago and recently found out that we got back together. The person has told me about all the conversations that they had. She has told me about stuff that I know of him that Ive never spoke to any of my G'fs about she knows alot of stuff he even gave her his number to call if she needed anything

 

Now I'm screwed because now I only have her word. AND His profile online.

 

Little, you say in another thread you only live an hour away from each other. How often do you get together in person?

 

To be honest he's on DATING sites, not just online and to me this shows intent. I'm not sure it's "cheating" per se as you don't give any background on how MUCH of a relationship you have. If you are only an hour away and in 2.5 years it's mostly online, frankly, not much of one.

[littletoes]

I see this person 3 times per week. Lately its been less. Ither because of work, the weather or this C-worker that hes been spending a lot of time hanging out with.we have nothing to do with online.

[littletoes]

what sort of background info do u need

[Lookingforward]

you've pretty much answered the background questions over on the other board - if this is an agreed mutually exclusive relationship, then yes, his being on dating sites and trying to line up dates is cheating imo.

 

Time for a talk about what exactly you both expect from your relationship I think. Ask him if it's okay with him if you do the same ?

[DogMetal]

I would terminate the relationship. I don't know if i would advise ripping his heart out. If that's your style, go with it. But I doubt he would change so i would just go.

[amiblind42]

I have the same problem. I feel your pain. You may email me at [email protected] if you care to talk.

[littletoes]

Hey there. Thanks for the email address. What are the signs in your relationship? have you confronted him?????? I havent confronted him in terms of the Internet thing and what sort of proof do u have

[amiblind42]

I am not sure terminating the relationship is the best idea, as it will just only create more pain and stress for you.

I had the same problem with my X husband and found emails from some woman that he was seeing on the weekends (as a friend yeah right) and now he is living with her in our house and plans on marrying her....

So I am familiar with this unfortunately.

Discussing it with him is hard, as you sound like a very kind person and you probably don't want to create an argument or have him walk away. Its never easy having someone walk away from the relationship, and it sounds to me like you want to work this out right?

I do believe however that you have to change yourself in order to change things around you. And you do have to take a step in that direction. I am not saying turn into a demanding "bit*** but change how you respond to him and have him ask you then whats wrong...

 

The last thing you want to do is put him on the defense, because anger won't solve a thing. I have been there and done that in my marriage, I remember waiting for him to come home and then slamming him with the evidence of the emails, and this is where it got me...he couldn't handle it and ended our marriage over these "friends"....It was a lesson learned and now I am trying a different approach with a different individual. Not sure what the results will be...

Please feel free to email me anytime to chat ok?

[Owl]

I have to respectfully disagree. My wife was conducting an online emotional affair with a guy...I confronted her, it brought everything out in the open...we nearly ended our marriage, but now things are MUCH better between us.

 

Ignoring it won't make it go away.

 

If you DON'T confront him about it, he's going to continue his behavior. And over time, that behavior will almost certainly escalate.

 

Get whatever "proof" you feel you need, and absolutely confront him with it. Be prepared for the worst...whatever you feel that might be. It MAY be the end of your relationship, but the question is, do you really want this relationship to continue with him potentially seeing other women at the same time?

 

Set boundaries in what behavior you'll accept from him. There's no reason why you should be ok with him cheating on you (and meeting withb other women IS CHEATING). You're worth more than that.

 

If you're not sure how to handle things...try checking out a couple of books on the subject..."Surviving an Affair" would be a good start.

 

But don't be afraid.

 

Remember this...if you change nothing...nothing will change.

[SueBee3490]

Hey there. Thanks for the email address. What are the signs in your relationship? have you confronted him?????? I havent confronted him in terms of the Internet thing and what sort of proof do u have

 

littletoes - I was in your shoes! I also dated my bf for 2.5 yrs only to marry him to find out he had been cheating on me the whole time. My bf also met his women online. I don't think mine was on dating sites, I think he would just go into chat rooms and meet up with women that way. I confronted my husband when I checked on the history on the computer because I got suspicious then cracked his email and opened up the whole can of worms. All the secrecy, lying, betrayal came out and he couldn't deny it, I printed off emails from the women, etc.

 

You asked for signs - one sign I would suggest looking for is the reverse blame sign. My bf used to constantly accuse me of going out on him. I never put 2 and 2 together and thought that he could be going out on me, I just thought he was insecure because his ex-wife cheated on him and he didn't want to be hurt again. WAS I WRONG!!! Now I think he was probably feeling guilty so trying to accuse me of going out might ease his guilty conscience.

 

Just something to think about

[Lishy]

I would set up yuour own name on the dating site and talk to him yourself - You have all the evidence you need then and it won't be hearsay!

[Tyra]

I would set up yuour own name on the dating site and talk to him yourself - You have all the evidence you need then and it won't be hearsay!

 

I think that, that will be a good idea.

[Habibti]

Do you believe it's cheating? Do YOU believe the source the information came from is truthful and accurate? If so you don't need anything further. You could present him with the evidence and he could still deny/lie/make excuses/twist facts. Trying to prove it's true to him is not only pointless and a waste of time but an entirely inapproriate use of time. Why bother?

 

 

If you feel cheated and betrayed- I know I would- then there you have it. Walk away, simple as that. Granted, for you it won't feel simple at first but that first step is always very very hard. It takes a lot of strength and you may wonder to yourself if you really have it in you to uproot yourself after 2.5 years and just cut the ties.

 

 

I was involved with someone I knew for 7 years, but he was showing signs of infedility and instability- when confronted with the thought of just up and leaving simple as that I mourned him and suddenly saw all his "good sides" Yeah, that lasted about an hour until I smacked myself back into reality and made up my mind to do it. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do at the time- I cried, I hurt- I ached. Within a week WHOA, one of the best decisions I've ever made. I had a lot of respect for myself for demanding I be treated right and not just sitting there taking it and enabling him to be a profound jerk, and I no longer was wrapped into his world of BS. That's what you need to do, and it can be done.