Why won't he propose?

[Haloandhorns85]

Hello,

I am 23 years old. Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, three months now. We bought a house together and moved in together a lil over two years ago. We have a really good relationship. We did go through a rough patch last summer and actually went to couples counseling, which helped tremendously. The rough patch sucked, but after we realized we made it through it, we both admitted that our relationship is better because of it. Brought us closer it seems. But here is my problem. He will not propose. I feel like it is time to take the step to the next level. I have for a while now. I love this man so much. And I know he loves me. We have talked about marriage, but only in brief little bursts because its like he gets so uncomfortable talking about it. I have told him how much I want to spend my life with him. And he says the same thing! He says he wants to marry me. And everytime we talk about it, he keeps saying soon baby...soon. I dont know about you, but a year is not soon in my opinion. I am getting frustrated and I can feel the resentment building. It is the unlying reason I fight with him and am moody towards him. But no matter how many times I bring it up or try to talk to him about it, the next day its like nothing was ever talked about! Wtf! I feel like he is being really selfish. Three years is plenty of time to decide if he wants to marry me or not. I, for sure, want to marry him. Living together, unmarried, forever is not an option for me. I want a marriage and a family in my life. He says he does too, but his actions say completely the opposite. I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I've done and said everything I thought was appropriate. I don't want to give him a ultimatum, but I don't want to keep sitting in the same place in this relationship. We need to more forward, not sit stagnant. And I've told him that exact phrase with no results! What do you suggest I do?

[sb129]

Have you looked at it from the perspective that you might be the one who is being selfish?

 

Demanding that he marry you or else could be perceived that way by him. He could be wondering what the hurry is.

 

You are only 23 - still very young- whats the rush?

[DragonSlayer]

Hmm...this is the exact thing my wife and I went through...same age too. She had her whole life planned out, by date when we started dating at age 18/19. We also bought a house together, etc by age 23 and were "playing house" just as you two are. I was in graduate school, teaching, doing research, and BROKE...not in a position to get married, in my opinion, but she was READY.

 

She ended up planning the wedding before I even bought the ring. Our relationship was NOT even close to where it should have been to tie the knot, but she was READY to get married and have her life (and mine) under control. I went ahead with it, but kind of grudgingly...and as you appear to want to do, she took control and moved things along, which forced me to buy a ring and propose after she had already scheduled a wedding date and a venue....we got married at ages 24 (her) and 25 (me)...similar to you guys. In my opinion, you guys are still young...esp when you consider you started dating at age 20...which seems "old" to you, but it's not. You guys are still learning who you are...and you WILL change over the next 5-10 years....your maturity and complexity as individuals will change...and it may diverge, which can be a big problem.

 

Just know that putting pressure on him and forcing his hand in marriage through guilt or manipulation is NOT the answer. But it seems like 75% of white collar women at this age go this route..."Just WHEN is he going to marry me...I won't wait forever! I'm not going to waste time...he's going to marry me or else" etc. I don't know what the answer is for you guys, but coercion is NOT the way to do it.

 

He may just feel too young to get married or he may have cold feet about YOU (your greatest fear, most likely) and is denying it, doesn't really KNOW it, or doesn't have the guts to tell you.

 

What you don't want is to force the marriage, then start having kids and then get to a point where it starts to fall apart. It's not worth it. This happened to me...I turned a shoulder to the health of the relationship when I got married, went along with it, and then we started trying to have a baby 5 years later....and the relationship was NOT in shape to start having kids...I turned a shoulder to that too...mainly because I was programmed to make sure that SHE was happy without regard to my own happiness.

 

You really need to look at yourself and decide if HE really is the one you want or if he is just in the "right" place at the "right" time. You also need to decide whether each of you really loves each other for WHO YOU ARE rather than having a dependence on each other. And please do NOT create an identity for yourself as the "husband or X" or "a wife" or whatever...you are NOT defined by your marital status, your house, the age of your kids or other shallow things... You are defined by YOU and the individuality and independence that YOU bring into the relationship.

 

Now, if YOU are the one in the relationship who has the control (although you probably feel like you don't) and your BF is the one who is quiet and kinda goes along for the ride, then you need to be very careful that you are not manipulating and coercing things to move faster than they should. If you are a "control freak" (and you may not think that you are) this will be EXTREMELY hard to do...but it's necessary.

 

I understand the pressure you feel to get on with your life and start getting married, having kids, etc, but you really have to decide what's important and whether HE is the right one. If he is, then you need to give him time...IMO most guys (even mature ones) don't really find out who they are until age 30 or so...

 

You guys DO NOT want to be in a position 5-10 years from now carrying resentment about when you chose to get married....worse...you don't want to look back and realize that you married your BF because he was with you at the time.

 

I'm by no means an expert, so take all this with a grain of salt...but I've been through the same situation and am now 33 and we have major problems...mainly because we didn't deal with them years ago.

[Lookingforward]

Hello,

I am 23 years old. Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, three months now. We bought a house together and moved in together a lil over two years ago. We have a really good relationship. We did go through a rough patch last summer and actually went to couples counseling, which helped tremendously. The rough patch sucked, but after we realized we made it through it, we both admitted that our relationship is better because of it. Brought us closer it seems. But here is my problem. He will not propose. I feel like it is time to take the step to the next level. I have for a while now. I love this man so much. And I know he loves me. We have talked about marriage, but only in brief little bursts because its like he gets so uncomfortable talking about it. I have told him how much I want to spend my life with him. And he says the same thing! He says he wants to marry me. And everytime we talk about it, he keeps saying soon baby...soon. I dont know about you, but a year is not soon in my opinion. I am getting frustrated and I can feel the resentment building. It is the unlying reason I fight with him and am moody towards him. But no matter how many times I bring it up or try to talk to him about it, the next day its like nothing was ever talked about! Wtf! I feel like he is being really selfish. Three years is plenty of time to decide if he wants to marry me or not. I, for sure, want to marry him. Living together, unmarried, forever is not an option for me. I want a marriage and a family in my life. He says he does too, but his actions say completely the opposite. I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I've done and said everything I thought was appropriate. I don't want to give him a ultimatum, but I don't want to keep sitting in the same place in this relationship. We need to more forward, not sit stagnant. And I've told him that exact phrase with no results! What do you suggest I do?

 

Why won't he propose?

 

Simple - he doesn't WANT to yet - and the more you push for it, the more he'll pull away from it.

 

I hate to say it, but if marriage was so important to you, perhaps you would have been better advised to hold out for a wedding rather than a house..........

 

and you are finding out that you can't MAKE someone propose.

[D-Lish]

He's not ready for marriage... it's as simple as that.

Would a co-erced proposal make you happy?

23 is sooooo young to get married.

 

You said playing house without marriage is not an option for you... I am unsure why you agreed to it?

[Haloandhorns85]

Have you looked at it from the perspective that you might be the one who is being selfish?

 

Demanding that he marry you or else could be perceived that way by him. He could be wondering what the hurry is.

 

You are only 23 - still very young- whats the rush?

 

 

I've been with this man for over three years. How is it selfish to want an actual commitment from him? And just because I'm 23 doesn't mean I'm too young. I'm actually at a good age to be considering getting married. I don't see how wanting to marry him at 23 is a rush. Especially seeing as we have been living together for two years and have bought a house and two vehicles together. Its selfish of him to want all the benifits of a wife and not put forth the commitment.

[jmargel]

Marriage is just a piece of paper in some regards. He could just as easily cheat on you with or without getting married. Marriage doesn't make commitment.

 

If you rush him, he will resent you and the marriage and will likely end in divorce. Continue to pressure him and not only will it take longer for him to ask, but good chance he might just leave you.

 

IMO 23 is too young to marry, he's telling you he's not ready for marriage in general, not marriage with you by not proposing yet. He knows as soon as he asks, you will be planning it.

 

What was this rough patch about?

[DragonSlayer]

In what ways is he not committed to you and what will change once you two are married?

 

I guess since you availed yourself to live with him, buy a house and cars with him, this partnership hasn't benefited you in any way, right? He owes you, right?

[sally4sara]

I've been with this man for over three years. How is it selfish to want an actual commitment from him? And just because I'm 23 doesn't mean I'm too young. I'm actually at a good age to be considering getting married. I don't see how wanting to marry him at 23 is a rush. Especially seeing as we have been living together for two years and have bought a house and two vehicles together. Its selfish of him to want all the benifits of a wife and not put forth the commitment.

 

Having been married before for 8 years, I can tell you three years can be just long enough to begin hating someone!

Early on in my current relationship, my BF was still getting chewed over the phone by his ex. They had been together for a bit over two years; his longest relationship. I asked him why he even bothered listening to her complaints and he said it was out of respect for how long they had been together. I laughed and said I could accomplish two years in my sleep.

Your BF might have a predetermined amount of time he would like to have passed with his future spouse before beginning the marriage process. So far you've spent three and already ended up in couples counseling. I think it's great that you both cared enough to seek help before calling it quits. For him, however, it might be that he is waiting to see if it was a permanent fix. What do you think it will say to him if his desire to wait till he has no reservations about it lands the both of you back in counseling because you end up resenting him when things don't happen when or how you want them to?

[Haloandhorns85]

I have a question. Why does everyone have nothing but criticism for me? How is it so wrong for me, yes at 23, to want to get married? I'm not some stupid little teenage girl who knows nothing about relationships. I understand I am younger than most of you criticizing me, but you don't know me or my life. I was asking for advice to a problem I consider important. Not a lecture on how young I am to get married. My boyfriend is 28 years old. We both have good jobs. I am actually in school preparing for an even better job. And yes, I did agree to "play house" when we bought the house, but that was also when HE brought up the idea of us getting married two years ago when we talked about buying it! Also, Feb of last year, HE brought it up to me to pick out a ring. HE put it on lay-a-way at Zales, then went back a month later and cancelled it. HE talks about having kids soon, but how can he want to have children with me without wanting to make a commitment to me first? And I'm not talking about walking down the aisle tomorrow or even next month. I just want a friggin commitment from him!! How is that too much to ask?? How is wanting some kind of commitment beyond words manipilating or forcing him to marry me? I just don't see it. And I'm disappointed with the kind of "advice" given here. Hindsight is 20/20...Looking back at your decisions, you will always find mistakes you wish you didn't make. That doesn't mean everyone else will make the mistakes you made or it will turnout like your marriages did. We both comes from divorced households. We have both seen first hand how relationships can fall apart. But isn't that the risk of getting married in the first place? You act like I'm 19 in a 6 month relationship or something. I'm a grown woman asking relationship advice without judgment.

[Haloandhorns85]

What was this rough patch about?

 

 

It was learning to communicate. When I was upset, I'd hold it in just so we wouldn't argue and he did the same. We needed a lil help to learn to open up and talk without fighting. Doesn't everyone gotta learn that at some point? We decided to let a professional help rather than fight and hurt each other. How is that bad? I was under the impression that when you admit you have a problem and seek help that was a good thing.

[Kasan]

I have a question. Why does everyone have nothing but criticism for me? How is it so wrong for me, yes at 23, to want to get married? I'm not some stupid little teenage girl who knows nothing about relationships. I understand I am younger than most of you criticizing me, but you don't know me or my life. I was asking for advice to a problem I consider important. Not a lecture on how young I am to get married. My boyfriend is 28 years old. We both have good jobs. I am actually in school preparing for an even better job. And yes, I did agree to "play house" when we bought the house, but that was also when HE brought up the idea of us getting married two years ago when we talked about buying it! Also, Feb of last year, HE brought it up to me to pick out a ring. HE put it on lay-a-way at Zales, then went back a month later and cancelled it. HE talks about having kids soon, but how can he want to have children with me without wanting to make a commitment to me first? And I'm not talking about walking down the aisle tomorrow or even next month. I just want a friggin commitment from him!! How is that too much to ask?? How is wanting some kind of commitment beyond words manipilating or forcing him to marry me? I just don't see it. And I'm disappointed with the kind of "advice" given here. Hindsight is 20/20...Looking back at your decisions, you will always find mistakes you wish you didn't make. That doesn't mean everyone else will make the mistakes you made or it will turnout like your marriages did. We both comes from divorced households. We have both seen first hand how relationships can fall apart. But isn't that the risk of getting married in the first place? You act like I'm 19 in a 6 month relationship or something. I'm a grown woman asking relationship advice without judgment.

 

I think what the posters are trying to tell you about you being young is....you are simply a much different person at 30, 40, and 50 then you are at 23.

 

I got married when I was 20 and my husband was 19. It wasn't easy by any stretch for us. We are both very different people now then we were back then, as is our marriage.

 

I totally agree with the others...what is the hurry?

 

And....instead of coming to an anonymous forum for answers to your question, why haven't you asked him?

[lovestruck818]

Hello,

I am 23 years old. Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, three months now. We bought a house together and moved in together a lil over two years ago. We have a really good relationship. We did go through a rough patch last summer and actually went to couples counseling, which helped tremendously. The rough patch sucked, but after we realized we made it through it, we both admitted that our relationship is better because of it. Brought us closer it seems. But here is my problem. He will not propose. I feel like it is time to take the step to the next level. I have for a while now. I love this man so much. And I know he loves me. We have talked about marriage, but only in brief little bursts because its like he gets so uncomfortable talking about it. I have told him how much I want to spend my life with him. And he says the same thing! He says he wants to marry me. And everytime we talk about it, he keeps saying soon baby...soon. I dont know about you, but a year is not soon in my opinion. I am getting frustrated and I can feel the resentment building. It is the unlying reason I fight with him and am moody towards him. But no matter how many times I bring it up or try to talk to him about it, the next day its like nothing was ever talked about! Wtf! I feel like he is being really selfish. Three years is plenty of time to decide if he wants to marry me or not. I, for sure, want to marry him. Living together, unmarried, forever is not an option for me. I want a marriage and a family in my life. He says he does too, but his actions say completely the opposite. I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I've done and said everything I thought was appropriate. I don't want to give him a ultimatum, but I don't want to keep sitting in the same place in this relationship. We need to more forward, not sit stagnant. And I've told him that exact phrase with no results! What do you suggest I do?

 

Why would you buy property with someone whom you're not married to? I mean I am sure you will get married to him and everything will be fine...but what if you break up...then who gets the house? I guess this is the essentially the same thing that happens in a divorce but only I think break-ups occur a lot more frequently. I don't know that it's wise to share your assets like that until you tie the knot.

[Haloandhorns85]

In what ways is he not committed to you and what will change once you two are married?

 

I guess since you availed yourself to live with him, buy a house and cars with him, this partnership hasn't benefited you in any way, right? He owes you, right?

 

I never said he owed me anything. And I never said the relationship did not benefit me. Just because i want a commitment from him does not mean he owes it to me. I simply want some kind of proof that marriage is where we are headed. Three years into a relationship is not asking too much. So what am I supposed to do? Just wait for a few more years of my life to pass me by, waiting on him to get around to making a decision? I don't think so. This is MY life too. Words aren't enough, I'm sorry. In this world, words mean nothing. People lie way too easy just to keep things convinent for themselves. And yes he's commited to me as far as not cheating on me. But that's not all commitment entails. Commitment entails, among others, envisioning a future, planning for that future, planning to be there through thick and thin, not giving up, knowing you have someone on your team, loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, and realizing that your not always gonna love everything about that person but loving them for those reasons as well. Yes, he is commited to me in most senses, but to me...I need a full commitment this far into this relationship. I need to know that I can plan on a future with this man. Does that make sense?

[lexi29]

I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. I do not think you are too young to want to get engaged. Especially considering your bf is 28 and the fact that you have lived together for two years and share financial responsibilities. I was in your shoes when I was around your age. I moved in with my bf after dating him for a year. We bought a house together (well we picked it out together but the house was in his name). We both had good jobs, wanted the same things and HE was the one who was always talking about the future. As soon as we moved in together he said he was going to propose to me and I'd better be thinking about my answer. He even went out and bought a ring and yet he never really wanted to marry me.

 

Yes, he talked about it, he said all the right things and I was not the one pushing for marriage but after living with someone for awhile and sharing responsibilities with them that you would if you were married, then YES, I totally understand why you want him to make a committment and move forward. I was stuck in that stagnant phase with my bf for too long. I watched friends of ours get married who were not even dating when we got together. He was all talk and no action. I waited way too long for him to back up all that talk he was feeding me (and I told him I was leaving and finally he ran out and bought a ring but I didnt accept it) I wasted too much of my life with him telling me he wanted to be with me (married) and in reality I have no idea.. he just didn't want that committment and was lying to me or to himself. It has been several years since I left him and yet he is still not married.

 

I think you need to talk to your bf (calmly) and express your feelings on the situation. It probably feels like he is leading you on a bit because he has talked about marriage and looked at rings and then doesnt follow thru. Maybe he is just scared or just isnt' ready to get married yet. I know what it feels like to live with someone and want/need more from them. It is not a good feeling at all. Talk to him!

[lovestruck818]

I never said he owed me anything. And I never said the relationship did not benefit me. Just because i want a commitment from him does not mean he owes it to me. I simply want some kind of proof that marriage is where we are headed. Three years into a relationship is not asking too much. So what am I supposed to do? Just wait for a few more years of my life to pass me by, waiting on him to get around to making a decision? I don't think so. This is MY life too. Words aren't enough, I'm sorry. In this world, words mean nothing. People lie way too easy just to keep things convinent for themselves. And yes he's commited to me as far as not cheating on me. But that's not all commitment entails. Commitment entails, among others, envisioning a future, planning for that future, planning to be there through thick and thin, not giving up, knowing you have someone on your team, loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, and realizing that your not always gonna love everything about that person but loving them for those reasons as well. Yes, he is commited to me in most senses, but to me...I need a full commitment this far into this relationship. I need to know that I can plan on a future with this man. Does that make sense?

 

But what would change if you were married to him? Essentially marriage is just a piece of paper- doesn't really change the situation all that much...and it's not really a guarantee he will stick around either.

[Kasan]

OP--

 

Why don't you have this discussion with him. Tell him what your expectations are for the relationship and give him a time line. (in your head)

 

If he misses the date that you have in your head, (after your discussion) then move on....

 

You just don't know what he is thinking....time for the both of you to be on the same page which is one of the key elements in a healthy marriage.

[lexi29]

I never said he owed me anything. And I never said the relationship did not benefit me. Just because i want a commitment from him does not mean he owes it to me. I simply want some kind of proof that marriage is where we are headed. Three years into a relationship is not asking too much. So what am I supposed to do? Just wait for a few more years of my life to pass me by, waiting on him to get around to making a decision? I don't think so. This is MY life too. Words aren't enough, I'm sorry. In this world, words mean nothing. People lie way too easy just to keep things convinent for themselves. And yes he's commited to me as far as not cheating on me. But that's not all commitment entails. Commitment entails, among others, envisioning a future, planning for that future, planning to be there through thick and thin, not giving up, knowing you have someone on your team, loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, and realizing that your not always gonna love everything about that person but loving them for those reasons as well. Yes, he is commited to me in most senses, but to me...I need a full commitment this far into this relationship. I need to know that I can plan on a future with this man. Does that make sense?

 

 

It makes sense to me. Unfortunately I've been there. I 'wasted' a few years of my life waiting around for my ex to follow through on his words (he always said he wanted to marry me). Yet I think he was scared or just was happy with the way things were and didnt' need anything else. If he'd just been honest with me and stopped leading me on we'd had both been better off. Your bf should honor his word or if he is not ready for marriage right now he needs to tell you why. Sometimes our partners just get too comfortable and dont' see any need to change the situation. Empty promises are painful though and you don't deserve that.

[Haloandhorns85]

I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. I do not think you are too young to want to get engaged. Especially considering your bf is 28 and the fact that you have lived together for two years and share financial responsibilities. I was in your shoes when I was around your age. I moved in with my bf after dating him for a year. We bought a house together (well we picked it out together but the house was in his name). We both had good jobs, wanted the same things and HE was the one who was always talking about the future. As soon as we moved in together he said he was going to propose to me and I'd better be thinking about my answer. He even went out and bought a ring and yet he never really wanted to marry me.

 

Yes, he talked about it, he said all the right things and I was not the one pushing for marriage but after living with someone for awhile and sharing responsibilities with them that you would if you were married, then YES, I totally understand why you want him to make a committment and move forward. I was stuck in that stagnant phase with my bf for too long. I watched friends of ours get married who were not even dating when we got together. He was all talk and no action. I waited way too long for him to back up all that talk he was feeding me (and I told him I was leaving and finally he ran out and bought a ring but I didnt accept it) I wasted too much of my life with him telling me he wanted to be with me (married) and in reality I have no idea.. he just didn't want that committment and was lying to me or to himself. It has been several years since I left him and yet he is still not married.

 

I think you need to talk to your bf (calmly) and express your feelings on the situation. It probably feels like he is leading you on a bit because he has talked about marriage and looked at rings and then doesnt follow thru. Maybe he is just scared or just isnt' ready to get married yet. I know what it feels like to live with someone and want/need more from them. It is not a good feeling at all. Talk to him!

 

 

YES! Finally someone gets it!! Thank you!! Thank you for giving me advice instead of a lecture or a smart-ass quip. Yes, that is exactly how I feel....like I'm being led on!! (Btw, the house is in my name only! That's got to show some of you something...for a 23 year to have a house in solely her name! I wasn't stupid about that.) Thank you for your advice and for taking me seriously. I will try to talk to him. I just don't know how to start the conversation in a way that will make him actually listen...you know men. You say the word marriage and they only listen enough to get them through the convo.

[Haloandhorns85]

Why did he cancel buying the ring after letting you pick it out?

 

 

 

I don't know. He didn't give me a reason. He didn't even tell me. I just sorta found out on my own. I went up to the store at the mall to show my best friend the ring I picked out and the lady at the store asked me if we were still together because the lay-a-way was cancelled.

[OWoman]

I don't get why you're waiting for HIM to propose. What's stopping you from proposing, if you're the one who wants to get married so badly? The worst he can do is say no - which puts you where you are right now, but will at least open the topic for discussion.

 

This IS the twenty-first century. Women ARE allowed out of the kitchen...

[sb129]

I've been with this man for over three years. How is it selfish to want an actual commitment from him? And just because I'm 23 doesn't mean I'm too young. I'm actually at a good age to be considering getting married. I don't see how wanting to marry him at 23 is a rush. Especially seeing as we have been living together for two years and have bought a house and two vehicles together. Its selfish of him to want all the benifits of a wife and not put forth the commitment.

 

Its selfish if you aren't considering his feelings, which are clearly that he doesn't want to get married.

 

There are hundreds of similar threads started here which are basically the female pushing for marriage when the guy obviously isn't ready. It does evoke a bit of a "here we go again response", and I apologise for that.

 

Thank you for providing a bit more information about your situation (esp re cancelling the ring layaway), as his actions have obviously hurt and confused you, which is totally understandable.

 

when HE brought up the idea of us getting married two years ago when we talked about buying it! Also, Feb of last year, HE brought it up to me to pick out a ring. HE put it on lay-a-way at Zales, then went back a month later and cancelled it. HE talks about having kids soon, but how can he want to have children with me without wanting to make a commitment to me first? And I'm not talking about walking down the aisle tomorrow or even next month. .

 

I don't know. He didn't give me a reason. He didn't even tell me. I just sorta found out on my own. I went up to the store at the mall to show my best friend the ring I picked out and the lady at the store asked me if we were still together because the lay-a-way was cancelled.

 

That must have been humiliating.

 

I agree with the others who say you need to TALK to him.

 

Not to deliver an ultimatum- but to tell him that his hot and cold attitude towards marriage is confusing and hurting you, and you have a right to know his feelings on the matter, even if its to know that he isn't ready.

[DragonSlayer]

I never said he owed me anything. And I never said the relationship did not benefit me. Just because i want a commitment from him does not mean he owes it to me. I simply want some kind of proof that marriage is where we are headed. Three years into a relationship is not asking too much. So what am I supposed to do? Just wait for a few more years of my life to pass me by, waiting on him to get around to making a decision? I don't think so. This is MY life too. Words aren't enough, I'm sorry. In this world, words mean nothing. People lie way too easy just to keep things convinent for themselves. And yes he's commited to me as far as not cheating on me. But that's not all commitment entails. Commitment entails, among others, envisioning a future, planning for that future, planning to be there through thick and thin, not giving up, knowing you have someone on your team, loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, and realizing that your not always gonna love everything about that person but loving them for those reasons as well. Yes, he is commited to me in most senses, but to me...I need a full commitment this far into this relationship. I need to know that I can plan on a future with this man. Does that make sense?

 

You didn't say he owes you anything, but it feels as though you think he does because you say that he's getting all the benefits of married life w/o being married...but you are too.

 

The point I was trying to make and that you are missing is that he MAY be 100% committed to you, but just not ready to get married. Of course if he's NOT committed to you, then having that piece of paper doesn't mean squat....it's not all of a sudden going to make him committed to you....just locked in legally. Is he not doing these supportive things you describe above?

 

Yes, what your feeling makes sense...the problem is that you can't control the situation...yes, that sucks, but that's life. You may have to resign yourself to the fact that, assuming you don't use coercion or manipulation to get him to propose, that it could be several years OR that you need to let him go and find someone else who will propose to you on your time-frame. Of course, that means starting ALL OVER and perhaps waiting another 3 years to be in the same situation all over again.

 

I'm not trying to attack you...I want you to look it from both sides and hear me out. Honestly, the personality that comes out in your posts and the things that you say sound EXACTLY like my wife... I remember the desperation she was feeling at age 23 when she wanted to be a wife and complete her domestic role. I feel that she totally lost sight of what was important in the relationship....she focusing on the actual wedding, being a "wife", appearing as if she "had it all together", etc. I'm afraid that that's what you're doing and I don't want to see you guys make these mistakes.

 

Now, it may be your personality that creates this strong drive to get married and "start your life" as many put it ...you're probably Type A, extroverted, task-oriented, hard working, focused, and strong-willed. Those are great traits to have in the workplace and you'll be successful (you're successful already, as you know), but you may also have a strong drive to be in control...and you may not even realize it, or you may deny it.... The problem is that you can't successfully exert control in your relationship without negative consequences. Love and loving gestures cannot be coerced or manipulated...if it is then it's not real.

 

Most of us understand that you want your life to progress and that marriage is an important milestone, especially since that comes before having children, but you need to be careful how you handle this because it WILL backfire if he goes to the altar with resentment OR if you guys have issues that you have denied or assume will clear up as you get further into the relationship. As some mentioned, they get worse....

 

Yes, you will find women on here who will say "Yes, you are 100% right...who is he to make you wait!?", because plenty of women feel that way...we all know that many guys are shy about tying the knot. But do you really want people here to just cheer lead for you or do you want real advice? People may come off as blunt, but they're giving you their viewpoint, and many of us have been through this and see what can happen...even when intentions are good.

 

I can understand that it's easy to get defensive when you feel so strongly about something and are not hearing the things you want to hear, but it won't help you here in the long run. Before you post back in defense, calm yourself down, think it through and try to understand why the poster may be saying what they're saying...yes, I have seen some on here who just stick the knife in and twist it, but the vast majority are actually looking out for you.

[Trialbyfire]

You know the old cliche:

 

You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

 

It's quite pertinent in your situation.

 

Look at it a different way. If someone doesn't want to or isn't ready to get married, why do you want to marry him? Forced relationships cause resentments. The act of committing to each other for supposedly forever, should be a natural occurrence.

[whichwayisup]

Especially seeing as we have been living together for two years and have bought a house and two vehicles together

 

This is pretty committed if you ask me. A piece of paper is not going to prevent him from leaving you if this is one of your concerns...Committment comes from within and if he is willing to BE your partner in every way except wearing a ring on his finger right now, then maybe just enjoy what you two have together right now..