How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[SingleDad]

So now the legal separation started June 12 and STBXW bought her own house and moved out last weekend - about 5 miles away. She has her freedom and independence at last.

 

We have a 2.5yo daughter together and joint shared custody.

 

I've learned since this process started in January, my STBXW the reasons for her actions as she sees it.

 

1. I could never understand the kind of love she needed (I do now, though not sure if any one could ever satisfy her wants)

2. We were never even friends

3. I never understood her emotional, spiritual, and phsycal needs. (she never told be what they were - I had to figure it out for myself - Now I understand more after doing a lot of soul searching and spiritual reading)

 

Despite her current beliefs - I think there is a miracle of hope that we can start from scratch and re-build some sort of relationship - maybe not the same as a marriage...

 

Now that everything is settled and I have given her everything in the process (lump sum to buy a house, child support, freedom, etc). She now wants to be civil/friends for our daughters sake. After all of the aweful things she has siad and done to me over past 5 months I am in anguish angry and hurt - she never gave a glimmer of hope that divorce isn't emminent 365 days from then.

 

Yes we need to be friendly for our daughters sake. But

Part of me thinks being friendly would give my STBXW exactly the last things she wants - justification and verification that she did the right thing by getting separated because it will be best for our daughter. I disagree with the separation wholeheartedly - our relationship wasn't so bad that it would hurt our daughter and it would be best for our daughter to grow up in a home with both parents.

 

Yet maybe if we are friendly, it would give us something to build on over the next 12 months. Yes I know I need to build up myself, etc. Is it also possible that if we can cooperate and not argue over the next 12 months that our marriage can be repaired - or at least give it an attempt... I truly believe that the 12 month separation is specifically designed to provide breathing room, to be apart, see what its like, whether apart is better or worse - etc.

 

Of course, It could all be a lie - she could be in love with someone else... but of course she could learn this guy is a jerk...

 

Anyway, despite the odds, I do not want to give up hope that some miracle is possible... so my only course of action seems to be to continue to give her what she wants and be friendly and see if anything comes of it...

 

And yes I keep wavering between hope and reality...

 

Incidentally, my neighbor who has been going through a miserable divorce for over a year (a real horror story - H has GF but will not allow divorce - wants cake and eat it too - owns business and hiding assets and income and refused to pay bills - credit down tubes - tied into the legal community and somehow keeps divorce from getting into the courts)... anyway she has seen the kind of man I am through my own separation and all of the husbandly things I always do has grown a fondness for me - talked for 4 hours about our problems... well she asked me for a date and somewhere in the conversation also proposed to me... I thought is was a joke... Yet she repeated it several times and said she would wait for me... Wow !!! We have commisurated about own own divorces for months - she has three kindergarden kids and a total ass for a husband who refuses to pay anything... not something I looking to jump into - Yikes !

[2sunny]

i am amazed that you would still be entertaining the thought of getting back with your STBXW... why?

 

why when she has been an emotional drain to you for years and not any sort of connection in any sense?

 

i guess i wouldn't wonder if there was some sort of intense connection between the two of you on some level - but it baffles me when it appears there is none.

 

why not just move on and enjoy the company of someone you are connected with?

[SingleDad]

I feel like she just finished ripping our my heart and eating it for dinner... and demands that I be friendly with her for our daughter's sake..while blood is dripping off her chin...

 

Says there is no chance in hell of her considering starting from scratch - if I dont start being friendly with her, listen to her intently everytime she calls and stop hanging up on her when I've had enough and can't stand her voice anymore. I have to make a full reversal and sacrifice a lamb first.

 

Lovely - continue to give her everything ???

[2sunny]

continue? huh?

 

re-read my post above... then slap yourself silly! he he - ok a bit of humor - just trying to help...

[TrustInYourself]

Oh brother, we are of the same frame of mind.

 

Are you not emotionally drained from interacting with her? I am dying inside every time I pretend to be nice and loving for the sake of saving my marriage. Every moment I go to her and give my all for our marriage, a piece of my own self dies.

 

The only difference between you and me at this point. I've went out and met some people as friends and realized, I'll be ok with or without my wife. Are you at that point?

 

The reason I ask. Are you attached to your STBXW by love? When someone loves you, do they treat you in the fashion that your wife is treating you? Or are you attached by co-dependence?

 

Break off from what you think you feel and re-evaluate whether you are holding onto something that is completely dead(thanks to your wife and her decisions). It's not your fault. You don't have to hold that torch for her. Drop it and then evaluate your situation. Evaluate whether or not it's going to work.

 

Also, being nice to your separated wife is a good card to play in this game of divorce. You are setting yourself up to win. Don't change that to get revenge. Just take actions to really think and have perspective on the marriage. How do you feel when you are around your wife? How do you feel when you are alone with your daughter? Can you be happy without your wife??! Of course you can!

[SingleDad]

TIY - Am I at that point - not yet - Monday was the first day I was alone in my own house - will take some time to adjust.

 

It was nice to get the house clean and back in order - bought a box window air conditioner so I can finally sleep comfortably at night - Ex would not allow that (She is always cold - Or should I say Frigid ?) Got my old refriderator back.. still lack washer and dryer. Went shopping to put some food in the house.

 

Next I plan to start running again and trying to get back to the Gym. Yes it will take time...

[allthingsarepossible]

Oh brother, we are of the same frame of mind.

 

I am dying inside every time I pretend to be nice and loving for the sake of saving my marriage. Every moment I go to her and give my all for our marriage, a piece of my own self dies.

 

 

AMEN TO THAT!!!

[allthingsarepossible]

"I am dying inside every time I pretend to be nice and loving for the sake of saving my marriage. Every moment I go to her and give my all for our marriage, a piece of my own self dies."

 

 

AMEN TO THAT!!!

[ilmw]

Ok... I'll wade into this thread.

 

I thought like you before... I hoped time would heal all... start from scratch.. let her see my changes... all that good stuff.

 

It did work.. we did get back together.... but... it seemed in the year and a bit we were separated... I did a lot of change... while she did not... except fall for another guy.... We separated... and the divorce proceedings... continued... now I am officially divorced.

 

From what I have read about your relationship... I to have to wonder why you would want to even bother.... ? (you are there... you are you... and only you know the ins and outs of what went on between you and your stbxw... ) On the other hand... you never know... and because of that... it can ...and will many times... drive you NUTS!

 

So... move on...! You will thank yourself in the end.

 

ilmw

[TrustInYourself]

Excellent. Take control of your house. You own it, make it yours. That is the first taste of freedom.

 

Haha, you are going to the gym and starting to run? Oh boy, pretty soon those women (including the wife) are going to notice the outward physical changes of a man on a mission. I enjoy the confidence boost I get looking at my body transform. I was pudgy before my wife left, I'm now getting a six pack. I can bike, swim and run like a beast and let me tell you, it's nice to have women take a second look when you walk past.

 

I'm with you man, keep gaining ground. Stay in touch too.

[TrustInYourself]

Ok... I'll wade into this thread.

 

I thought like you before... I hoped time would heal all... start from scratch.. let her see my changes... all that good stuff.

 

It did work.. we did get back together.... but... it seemed in the year and a bit we were separated... I did a lot of change... while she did not... except fall for another guy.... We separated... and the divorce proceedings... continued... now I am officially divorced.

 

From what I have read about your relationship... I to have to wonder why you would want to even bother.... ? (you are there... you are you... and only you know the ins and outs of what went on between you and your stbxw... ) On the other hand... you never know... and because of that... it can ...and will many times... drive you NUTS!

 

So... move on...! You will thank yourself in the end.

 

ilmw

 

Too soon huh? I'm noticing that as well. I've made so many changes in my life that are absolutely positive. I'm a better person from this separation and I'm proud of how I've handled everything.

 

My wife on the other hand still blames me for everything. She's made only negative changes, like work out less, started smoking cigarettes(which I hate), and go on buying sprees with what was once our shared savings(which she disagrees with totally).

 

What should I do to face the fact that I'm growing at a much faster rate than the wife? I want to mend things if they can be mended, but honestly, she's just a lousy person. She never communicated to me the way she should have and it's been bothering me.

 

I'm bothered by so many things about her lately. I want to vent on this board before we start talking again. I've had a 3 day break from her and I'm lonely but I'm happy at the same time. Pretty weird.

[SingleDad]

I bother for the sake of my daughter !!!

 

Being a single father is great but it is also very challenging and all incompassing and I get only part time with my daughter... Our marriage wasn't wonderful either.

 

This process has taught me a great deal about fatherhood, husbandhood, and what life after divorce compared to life during marriage... I am also not the type who likes being single - not the type who is successful meeting women.

 

I just all told - I'd prefer to me married to the mother of my daughter and try to work harder in the marrriage.

 

Again if that is even a possibility

[TrustInYourself]

Of course it's a possibility. As I said before and as I have said numerous times in other posts to other people, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.

 

Let hope drive you to change into the best person you can be for you daughter and your wife. Be strong.

[ilmw]

I bother for the sake of my daughter !!!

 

Being a single father is great but it is also very challenging and all incompassing and I get only part time with my daughter... Our marriage wasn't wonderful either.

 

This process has taught me a great deal about fatherhood, husbandhood, and what life after divorce compared to life during marriage... I am also not the type who likes being single - not the type who is successful meeting women.

 

I just all told - I'd prefer to me married to the mother of my daughter and try to work harder in the marrriage.

 

Again if that is even a possibility

 

Hey... I totally understand you wanting to save your marriage for the sake of your daughter... trust me... I know... been there... as have so many on here.

 

I am the last person to say... just quite... trust me on that one too... just read my original thread... geeezzz

 

Wont I don't understand is... and maybe I read it wrong... you don't sound like you even liked your wife?

[TrustInYourself]

I could take a guess as to why he doesn't like his wife.

[2sunny]

i guess i would say only make an effort on behalf of your daughter's sake...

 

keep the communication with the STBXW to a minimum and only pertaining to your daughter...

 

simplify everything regarding the wife.

[Chrome Barracuda]

2sunny is exactly right. if it aint got nothing to do with your kid or any legal stuff then there's nothing to talk about!

[SingleDad]

Yet she is still legally my WIFE for the next 12 months !!!

 

NC with my own wife ?!!! OK I have been trying it... I have been doing the NC to the extent possible for the last 3 weeks - mostly because of being angry that she has broken apart my family and I would just yell at her for doing it anyway.

 

I do not understand what NC accomplishes in separation - unless it is just a gap measure to allow both spouses a cooling off period and giving space. I understand that NC is required in divorce. NC lets the memories of her go and break off any chance of...of...of Communicating...

 

Without communication any relationship will fail - Its a self fulfilling prophesy.

 

How does one do NC with a child between us... Communicating and sharing times together with our daughter is probably the only chance I have to save our marriage !!! Yet right now, I have been so angry that I have been avoiding my STBXW

[Ladyjane14]

I've read through a few of your other posts, SD... and the thing that strikes me as different about you is the trauma you experienced after your parents divorce. To lose your father, and at such an important developmental time in your life, can't help but to have influenced your views on marriage and family. If I walk a mile in your shoes, I find the idea of being a "part-time" parent utterly terrifying.

 

THIS is where I think you need to start. Once you've arrived at a perspective which alleviates your sense of panic at the prospect of divorce... it's likely that all this other stuff will fall into place. You'll be able to find your inner confidence and begin to deal with your recalcitrant wife in a healthier way.

 

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with your religious convictions concerning the sacrament of marriage. I think ALOT of people agree with you on that. In fact, I'm one of 'em.

But most of us don't have this history of traumatic event associated with it the way you do. So, in your case... this might all be feeling BIGGER than what someone else going through the same scenario might feel.

 

For now though, and in answer to your original question... fake it 'til you make it regarding "friendship". There's nothing to be lost right now in putting your best foot forward while you're sorting out your feelings. Behind the scenes though, make a priority out of dealing with your fear. It compromises your ability to arrive at clarity.

 

You've said you're seeing a counselor at church. Consider a secular clinician if you feel you're not making enough progress.

[Order & Chaos]

I've read through a few of your other posts, SD... and the thing that strikes me as different about you is the trauma you experienced after your parents divorce. To lose your father, and at such an important developmental time in your life, can't help but to have influenced your views on marriage and family. If I walk a mile in your shoes, I find the idea of being a "part-time" parent utterly terrifying.

 

THIS is where I think you need to start. Once you've arrived at a perspective which alleviates your sense of panic at the prospect of divorce... it's likely that all this other stuff will fall into place. You'll be able to find your inner confidence and begin to deal with your recalcitrant wife in a healthier way.

 

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with your religious convictions concerning the sacrament of marriage. I think ALOT of people agree with you on that. In fact, I'm one of 'em.

But most of us don't have this history of traumatic event associated with it the way you do. So, in your case... this might all be feeling BIGGER than what someone else going through the same scenario might feel.

 

For now though, and in answer to your original question... fake it 'til you make it regarding "friendship". There's nothing to be lost right now in putting your best foot forward while you're sorting out your feelings. Behind the scenes though, make a priority out of dealing with your fear. It compromises your ability to arrive at clarity.

 

You've said you're seeing a counselor at church. Consider a secular clinician if you feel you're not making enough progress.

 

I agree, intensive ind therapy may allow you to get to the heart of the matter and find out why you are so stuck right now. I completely understand the anguish and my heart goes out to you. But there is a definite dependency issue going on that seems more attached to the role that your wife played than to the woman herself.

 

And as painful as her being so definite in her convictions it is actually a much cleaner cut than waffling. I am coming to the realization of my weakness in that and the possibility of leading my spouse on out of attempts of kindness and sheer cowardiness. Something I was dwelling over all weekend.

 

Writing has always been a bit of therapy for me and this weekend I went back and started reading my old journals from high school on (which was quite comedic at times ) but helped me find repeating patterns in my behaviour (since my husband and I have been together since high school).

 

I am starting another journal to try and figure my situation and myself out a little better and figure out what the heck I want to do with my life! Have you thought about writing? It will help you figure out your patterns as well as how far you have come, how far you will go, and what you really want and what you really need.

 

You're a very sweet man, just keep moving forward.

[SingleDad]

Great advice LadyJane and Order and Chaos - I will have to read them over a few more times to let them soak in.

 

On a clarification. My STBXW's parents divorced when she was 5 and her mother divorced a second time when she was a teenager, and her mother dates men until she is bored of them - I think that is where my STBXW learned a lask of committment.

 

My childhood was affected by an alcoholic father. I never really knew him sober. The tough love that my mother attempted to have him sober up backfired and my father committed suicide when I was 15.

 

So really neither of us had a normal nuclear family - sad how never seems to play out hollywood style.

 

I just need to learn how to take things one day at a time.

[TrustInYourself]

Yet she is still legally my WIFE for the next 12 months !!!

 

NC with my own wife ?!!! OK I have been trying it... I have been doing the NC to the extent possible for the last 3 weeks - mostly because of being angry that she has broken apart my family and I would just yell at her for doing it anyway.

 

I do not understand what NC accomplishes in separation - unless it is just a gap measure to allow both spouses a cooling off period and giving space. I understand that NC is required in divorce. NC lets the memories of her go and break off any chance of...of...of Communicating...

 

Without communication any relationship will fail - Its a self fulfilling prophesy.

 

How does one do NC with a child between us... Communicating and sharing times together with our daughter is probably the only chance I have to save our marriage !!! Yet right now, I have been so angry that I have been avoiding my STBXW

 

Not necessarily. You don't do NC. You do LC. Limited contact. Communication that only pertains to your daughter and business involving finances, legal affairs, or divorce. Nothing more.

 

Does that scare you? Are you afraid she will move on if you are not communicating?

 

Everything you do now is a response to her actions. You are responding and she has the power to manipulate and control your every effort, thought, and desire. How in the world is she going to miss you when she knows you are in her grasp, twirled around her pinky?

 

Do you want her back? Use that desire to effectively take control of your life. Limited contact allows her to question her control and it allows you a chance to regain control of yourself and your emotions and thoughts. It gives you a chance to think and to hurt and to cry and to separate rational thought from emotional response.

 

Tough love is a bitch. I'm going to keep trying to slap your face for your own sake, bro. Stay with us and stay strong!

[SingleDad]

Newest argument:

 

My STBXW has claimed that she bought our daughter's clothes so they are to remain at STBXW's house (All of the expensive brand name clothes - yet they were all marital property - or my daughter's property). Seems like my STBXW's main concern is our daughter's appearance when she has her only and not the impact that a divorce will have on our daughter long term. Doesn't care what our 2.5 yo daughter looks like when I have her.

 

She expected my to return the dirty clothes the very next day in a plastic bag... basically expected this daily clothing return for the next 15 years. I refused and put my foot down. For the last week or so, I would instead return my daughter wearing the same dirty expensive clothes I picked her up in (she did get bathes and pajamas). I was doing it to make a point.

 

So we had an arguement about clothes. - Like I wanted to keep and hide all of the good clothes !!

 

When I told her that I have even more brand name clothes than she has (handmedowns from neighbor's kids and garage sales). She finally let down and said that it would be fine to wash the clothes and have our daughter wear the clothes back in a week or two. (or course STBXW took the washer and dryer!!!)

 

 

So should I expect these petty arguments to continue for year and years to come ??!!

 

anyway I'm keeping the limited contact - as much as I want to try to start a sudo dating/joint parenting relationship with my STBXW (if she let's me)- we are just not at that point yet. Probably still has a boyfriend ??

 

Going on three weeks since she moved out and I still do not know where my STBXW and daughter actually live... When should I demand to know where my daughter's other house is located ? Part of me does not want to know beacuse I would be tempted to monitor her house for boyfriend activity...

[n9688m]

Going on three weeks since she moved out and I still do not know where my STBXW and daughter actually live... When should I demand to know where my daughter's other house is located ? Part of me does not want to know beacuse I would be tempted to monitor her house for boyfriend activity...

 

Of course you have a right to know at all times where your daughter lives.

 

On the other hand, boyfriend activity is irrelevant - move on.

[SingleDad]

Easier to talk about moving on than actually doing it. Part of my not asking where she lives is to let my STBXW think that I have moved on and I am independent.

 

Hard to move on when there is a 2.5yo completely dependent on me. I do much better when I have my daughter with me... I was with her most of the weekend - had a great time with her. Next weekend without daughter will be very difficult.

 

I know my STBXW wants to be friends for our daughter's sake... but deep down, I think she thinks if we are friends then I would provide solice to her that divorce is the right answer... I don't want my Ex to have the "comfort" of knowing that divorce was ok and believe that divorce would be in the best interest of our daughter... Divorce will never be the right action to take in our case.

 

Again this thread is gain advice on trying the rebuild not just myself but some form of reconciliation to re-build some form of relationship with my STBXW over the next now 11 months of separation (even if divorce cant be stopped in the end). i.e. married living apart, separated and dating, divorced with joint parenting events...

 

With a 2.5 yo daughter - my STBXW will remain in my life at some level for a couple of decades.