Don't know how it got to this

[brokenbliss]

Here is my story and current situation. Thank you all for any advice.

 

My wife and i dated for about 5 years before we got married. We were a very happy couple and spent a lot of time together. After college, she moved back to her hometown 2 hours away while i continued searching for a job there. During that time I had no social life as I was working at a factory on 2nd shift. I became obsessed with a video game and it became controlling my life. 2 months later, I moved in with her and the addiction continued. We got married a year later (having been engaged for a year and a half). During this time I continued my addiction. 3 times she sat me down and told me that she felt alone and unloved. I would improve my habits for a few weeks, but I would always go back to the game.

 

We purchased our first house 1 year ago and have been working on making it ours. I quit the game for about 6 months, but went back to it last November. This past summer has been a rough one. We started out okay, but I found out about a month ago that she had been having an affair. She initially told me that it was just a kiss, but 2 weeks ago, i found out it was a full blow affair and she slept with her co-worker.

 

Since finding out about it, I have quit the game and completely focused my attention on our marriage. I have finally realized how much I have been hurting her for the longest time, but now I am totally devastated by what she did. I truely didn't think that she would ever do this to me. I used to be a great partner, but i understand now that i have been a terrible husband to her for the past 3 years. My wish is to make it up to her everyday that we are together.

 

We have started marriage counseling, and had our first appointment last week, with our second coming tonight. I am very hopeful that this will help us out, and i think she is too.

 

The problem is, I don't know if i can ever trust her anymore. Last night we made love, and it just didn't feel right at all. It seems that I am the only one that has any interest in touching the other person. She says that she loves me and that she truely wants us to make this work, but i really don't know if she will ever let me back in.

 

She stayed with her parents for a few days, and this past weekend, i went back to my parents place. She seems to have a difficult time being away from me, but when i get back, there seems to be no warmth in her.

 

I am at a complete loss now. I don't know what i should do, or how to handle this situation. I feel horrible for what i did to her, and have resolved to absolutely never let that happen again.

[Moose]

These things take time to heal.

 

She was unfaithful simply because of neglect on your part. Now that it's over, you're going to have to forgive yourself, and of course your wife is going to have to do the same, (forgive herself).

 

I don't think she has, and that's why things don't seem, "normal".

 

She also won't be able to forgive herself until she knows without a doubt that you have forgiven her. She can literally sense that you're not trusting her.....it shows in your body language....

 

Hopefully, she has no contact what so ever with the man she's slept with....if that's the case, something has to change....

 

My best advice would be to continue the MC, and put the past behind you....you'll kill this marriage if you two can't forgive one another, AND each other, and let it finally go....

 

If you can do THIS, you marriage will be stregthened 10 fold!

[brokenbliss]

Thank you very much Moose.

 

It's interesting that you said she can't forgive herself until i forgive her. I've never thought of it that way.

 

She seems to be determined to never see this guy again, even though they work in the same building (as do 5,000 other people). I told her that if I ever found out that she saw him again, that she would never see me again. I think that hit home for her, and I do believe that she isn't seeing him.

[2sure]

As you will read here, there are many kinds of infidelity. Many Affairs are emotional, never involving physical contact. But they are still felt as full blown affairs and cause anguish, grief and mistrust.

 

I know that these on line games consist of many hours of interaction between players. Many people on here have met others (including affair partners) through these on line games.

 

Does your wife feel you cheated on her, made a secret life outside the marriage? Had an emotional affair? She had told you three times during the course of your marriage that she felt you were disconnecting from her and connecting instead to the interaction with the players on line. Each time you stopped and then went back. I wonder if you were open to her each time you went back to it or if you tried to hide it?

 

Both of you have betrayed the marriage and you dont trust each other.

You can get past all of this. You just may need to ask her if she is again willing to try to trust you as much as you want to trust her.

[TrustInYourself]

Here is my story and current situation. Thank you all for any advice.

 

My wife and i dated for about 5 years before we got married. We were a very happy couple and spent a lot of time together. After college, she moved back to her hometown 2 hours away while i continued searching for a job there. During that time I had no social life as I was working at a factory on 2nd shift. I became obsessed with a video game and it became controlling my life. 2 months later, I moved in with her and the addiction continued. We got married a year later (having been engaged for a year and a half). During this time I continued my addiction. 3 times she sat me down and told me that she felt alone and unloved. I would improve my habits for a few weeks, but I would always go back to the game.

 

We purchased our first house 1 year ago and have been working on making it ours. I quit the game for about 6 months, but went back to it last November. This past summer has been a rough one. We started out okay, but I found out about a month ago that she had been having an affair. She initially told me that it was just a kiss, but 2 weeks ago, i found out it was a full blow affair and she slept with her co-worker.

 

Since finding out about it, I have quit the game and completely focused my attention on our marriage. I have finally realized how much I have been hurting her for the longest time, but now I am totally devastated by what she did. I truely didn't think that she would ever do this to me. I used to be a great partner, but i understand now that i have been a terrible husband to her for the past 3 years. My wish is to make it up to her everyday that we are together.

 

We have started marriage counseling, and had our first appointment last week, with our second coming tonight. I am very hopeful that this will help us out, and i think she is too.

 

The problem is, I don't know if i can ever trust her anymore. Last night we made love, and it just didn't feel right at all. It seems that I am the only one that has any interest in touching the other person. She says that she loves me and that she truely wants us to make this work, but i really don't know if she will ever let me back in.

 

She stayed with her parents for a few days, and this past weekend, i went back to my parents place. She seems to have a difficult time being away from me, but when i get back, there seems to be no warmth in her.

 

I am at a complete loss now. I don't know what i should do, or how to handle this situation. I feel horrible for what i did to her, and have resolved to absolutely never let that happen again.

 

What game so I can relate fully. MMORPG?

[brokenbliss]

What game so I can relate fully. MMORPG?

 

 

The traditional relationship killer, World of Warcraft.

[Moose]

The traditional relationship killer, World of Warcraft.

This is the Truth.....

 

My 20 year old holes himself up in his room for days on end playing that game....he's totally hooked....and we've given him an ultimatum....he's got a couple months left in my house, then he's out on his own....

[dead-dyke]

I like coming across moose's posts. He is one of the examples of a marriage coming back together. He doesn't show up much, but when he does, it's worth the read.

[Moose]

I like coming across moose's posts. He is one of the examples of a marriage coming back together. He doesn't show up much, but when he does, it's worth the read.

Wow....thank you! Didn't realize I had a fan club....

 

I will let everyone know that our marriage isn't perfect, and the reality is, that no marriage is, or ever will be.....it's a part of life that must be dealt with on a daily basis.....always give 100% and never expect 100% back is my motto....

[div2wice]

Well I am hoping to help you by possibly explaining what she's feeling -- I am in NO WAY agreeing wtih her actions. Adultery IS WRONG no matter what.

 

She was lonely and felt ignored by you, this is a reason for the affair (not blaming you at all, ok?) She wanted attention and love from someone but she couldn't get what she needed from you. She came upon someone who could give her attention and she like it. BUT she made a huge mistake.

 

I believe she still loves you, otherwise she would not have anything to do wtih the counciling. I think she has a lot of built up anger and bitterness towards you but mostly a lot of guilt because of what she did. Making love may feel weird/different but I wouldn't necessarily think its because she'd rather be with him. In my case, I wanted nothing to do with my husband when he looked at porn. I felt cheated on, and like a piece of crud. I was angry and held that anger because I could never express it to him.

 

Continue with counciling, it does help if you have the right councilor.She will not get better -- your relationship will not get better until she forgives herself and most importantly, until she gets rid of all that anger she's holding onto. Maybe this is something the councilor could bring up in a session?

 

Best of luck,

Pamela

[Gunny376]

Wow....always give 100% and never expect 100% back is my motto....

 

Words to live by!

[Maladjusted]

Does she still work with the guy? Might want to think about having her quit that job. Having him around in the picture can't be a good thing.

[brokenbliss]

Thank you all for the advice so far. I just wanted to leave an update and see what you all thought.

 

My wife and I have been going to counseling (3 sessions so far). The therapist has been focusing on our communication between each other. We used to avoid serious conversations by using humor to say what we wanted. The therapist is working on getting us to be direct with each other and focus on what needs to be said.

 

So far so good with therapy I guess. I am still feeling betrayed, but I am trying to work through that. I am having her call me when she goes out to check in with me. She says that she understand that I need the reassurance, but it is hard for her to not feel like a grounded teenager. I don't like doing it, but at the same time, I need it so I don't start imagining things.

 

In therapy, she has stated that she feels emotionaly numb to everything. That this is her coping device. Whenever she feels emotionaly overloaded, she shuts down emotionaly. I understand that this is how she is dealing with it, but I feel rejected as I can't get any emotion out of her.

 

The therapist is saying that this is because we are both still in a healing mode. I'm trying to move past it and forgive her for what she did, but it is very hard for me to even type right now. You all know the pain that infidelity causes.

 

It looks like we still have a long way to go to work on this. It's just difficult for me, because she never wants to talk about anything (emotionally numb, etc.) with me or anybody. She is very concerned with other people knowing about the affair and she feels embarrased by it. I've talked to my friends about it, and she says that she won't be able to see them for a while because she is embarrased by her infidelity.

 

So, that's it in a nutshell so far. I guess things could be worse, but I just want them to be better. I've started working out and eating better to get myself back in shape (losing 20 lbs. would be a godsend for me). I've taken a lot of interest in working on and around the house to pass the time. She seems to be content with sitting and watching TV all night. We have been talking about everyday things a lot more, but she says it is still uncomfortable between us, which i would agree with.

 

So, you guys have been through this, what is your assesment of it all so far? Things looking good, bad, ugly? Just want to hear what people have to say.

 

Thanks for any replies.

[brokenbliss]

Quick thought to add to my post.

 

I have told my wife that it is okay with me if she touches me, cuddles, etc. We do kiss each other goodbye every morning. But, she says that she doesn't know if she can get any more intimate right now because everytime we get close, she keeps thinking of a question that she asked me a few weeks ago, "Do you have feelings of hate towards me?" To which I replied, "Yes." Now, these were feelings of hate due to just hearing about the affair and have subsided. I do not hate her and told her this, but she says she still thinks of it when we get close.