cashley Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Hi- I have just been through a hellish breakup, and relationship, and now alone and in considerable debt, I have no real choice, but to share a house, until I can sell a unit and buy a house of my own... I have a dog. Its not easy to find a house in the city I live, for an affordable price.It may take a while to sell, and buy... So im sharing. With a guy. Im a chick. Ever since the day we met, ive made it clear, theres nothing ever going to happen, ive told him time and time again, how I think of him as a brother...Lets call him the hobbit. The hobbit has a dog too, and both out dogs play, and its great. My problem is, the hobbit gives me these long staring looks, anyone knows the feeling when someone is attracted to them. If I mention I want to change the channel, he does., If I say id like to see a movie, he rents it, he continually tells me im beautiful...i could go on- you get the idea.. WHY CANT HE GET IT THROUGH HIS HEAD, IM NOT INTO HIM. I dont 'use' him, I pay rent, and my fair share. Problem is, (besides his drinking) that everytime I even 'speak' of having a life, he gets a rotten look on his face... recently i told him im moving in the early new year..he went silent and very emotional... he takes his bed pillows and sleeps on the lounge, when im in there watching tv???!! whats that?? i find it weird, and a tad too cosy.. I have never felt more yuk. I go to my room when he does this. so its clear is NOT LISTENING, and is also clear hes really getting messed up in the head over this he drinks and gambles to the extreme...I cant even say ive got a boyfriend, let alone bring him here?? Hobbit has a way of making a very dark cloud, I have had a friend over, and its as though hes jealous of me speaking to anyone else...he would not acknowledge them, and was rude, in his silence. Problem is...he does NOT do confrontation well, he goes silent. Im the type to thrash things out, and so theres no middle ground, Ive taken to writing notes. But days like today, hes almost normal. We said good morning. I keep conversation short, and say as little as possible, but I hate that, because we were friends..and could talk, now its just uncomfortable. If I mention he can find a nice girl, he also pulls a rotten face....? I dont have it in me to deal with this sillyness, and its 'almost' driven me back to my X, and thats NOT a good thing. Please help?? thanks in ADVANCE. I cant live like this, my plan is to move out end of Jan...sut it would be nice to co-exist happily until I leave??? ?? anyway, GUYS, and GIRLS, what do I have to do, besides move out, to make this a happier environment?? Link to post Share on other sites
axisdenied Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 I hate to be all captain obvious but it sounds like you really shouldn't be living with this guy. If you have no choice but to stick it out for a few more months then I think all you can really do is ignore the behavior and live your life doing what you want to do as you see best. Start viewing the place you live as your own home and treat it as such. If you want to have your boyfriend over, do it. If you want to speak candidly about living your life outside of him, do that. Concern for your roommate's feelings shouldn't go beyond paying your part of the rent and cleaning up after yourself. Essentially, stop giving him special treatment just to avoid conflict. Sometimes the only way to get through to somebody who's giving you unwelcome attention is to demonstrate your non-interest in the situation. In my experience there have been a few people who would have followed me to the end of the earth when I was being considerate of their feelings because they thought that the consideration was indicative of something more meaningful. Show him that no, you really don't care, and maybe you'll start looking like a lost cause to him. Good luck! -a Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 You've made your views and opinions abundantly clear. The fact that he's not responding, or is refusing to 'get the message' is not your responsibility. It's his. Hard as it may seem (and I realise how hard it is - ) try to not rise to the bait, respond or react. This is what he wants. TBH, his behaviour sounds extremely irrational, and I might even be tempted to suggest he has a personality disorder. Act completely normal. If he does something weird, trey to blinker it off, and igfnore his histrionics. he wants to affect you. he wants to get under your skin. Honestly, by ignoring it, really, ignoring it - you don't feed or nourish his behaviour. Avoid taking potential dates home. For a while, try to grin and bear it and act single. Good Luck, hang in there. You have "passive weaponry" at your disposal. Use them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cashley Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Thank you- you are both spot on, and captain obvious, is damm right! I should not be living with this guy. Since I posted that, im being very 'economical' with my words, and doing my own thing, its more silent, but I simply cant DO his bloody moods. I hope that my ignoring him most of the time, will get through, AND it seems I either lost a friend, or never had one to start with.... Hes got issues, he sees a therapist, hes 39, refuses to drive, use a moblie phone, and has never used a computer, he smokes like a chimney, and drinks so much I cant stand it...the guy has problems alright. Unfortunatly he is the type to hide himself away, and I doubt hes met a girl in a LONG time....so it seems hes become obsessed. *it doesnt matter how gross i am,he still says 'your beautiful' and it creeps me the *** out. A tiny part of me has even wondered if he would be capable of forcing himself on me.. Im planning to move asap. Two months is way too long. Link to post Share on other sites
kdark Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 This is a bad, baaaaad situation... You need to get out, NOW! That tiny part of you that is wondering about him is there for a reason. I sincerely, truly hope for your safety that he doesn't have a history of violence or abuse... Because his behavior is borderline mental abuse Link to post Share on other sites
casanovacorner Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 This is a bad, baaaaad situation... You need to get out, NOW! That tiny part of you that is wondering about him is there for a reason. I sincerely, truly hope for your safety that he doesn't have a history of violence or abuse... Because his behavior is borderline mental abuse I have to agree. He might be crazy. LOL. But seriously, you could potentially be in a bad situation. Why exactly don't you like him? I'm just curious because women tend to ignore the nice guy in favor of the a-hole they broke up with. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleDove Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Hmm why dont I like him..? hes just NOT my type. No other reason...I dont find him the least bit attractive. He made me feel pressure, and thats not attractive. He sulks. He does TOO much. Cares TOO much. And, even though I despise him, the hobbit isnt my X, hes just a guy...Make sense?? He is overly nice. I think Ive got him sussed out a bit more...I doubt he would ever be forceful in anyway, he doesnt get in my 'space', hes the type who would hurt himself, before hurting another. He has got depression and doesnt take his medication... All in all he is a good guy, he helped me after my break up, and I think thats the problem. He became emotional for me, and maybe I talked with him too much, and he took it the wrong way?? The hobbit is harmless, except that he does little things...like tonight, i noticed hes wearing one of MY socks! WTF? im pissed off. I will address this in the morning. Hes asleep in the loungroom, and that means im in my room, where I have decided to spend most of the time when im home. I have taken a new stance in the house, I have made it clear we have our own lives, as well as a friendship/housemate arrangement. His behaviour towards me is less..'full on' now. All I have to do is tell him to leave my frickin socks alone! Im still not 100% happy, but now he has his mother visiting often its been easy to distance myself. (the mother dislikes me, thinks i have broken her sons heart..) Ive made it clear it doesnt matter, because im 'just a flatmate' who is moving out soon anyway. So, thats the latest, OH and hes not drinking so much either. Just gotta last until after xmas... I have another job now, so will be out alot more too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 What a creepy situation to be in! Has the limited contact worked? Link to post Share on other sites
LittleDove Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Good news tonight he has GONE OUT!!! hes getting a life!! YAY*insert happy dance. Yes the limited contact is working, i prefer to say, im economical with my time and words. He has been okay, and I addressed the sock issue. He says he didnt know, his mother probably picked it up in the laundry. He even said, dont worry, im not a sock pervert! anyway- things are nice n normal for now... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleDove Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 The flatmate has given me a delicate romantic silver bracelt for an xmas gift. He left it near the kettle. With a singing Teddy... So I found the teddy pulled a string and it sang merry xmas, it was cute and funny my dog wanted to kill it i was happy- then I found a bag arounf he teddys neck, with a braclet in it and a note saying he hopes i start to find peace love and happiness that i deserve.... is it just a very thoughtful gift, or creepy???? my gut says creepy, nice gift from a bf but not a flatmate. the teddy was great! so i guess im moving soon. seems no reasoning will work, and i cant be responsible for someones feelings when its clear I will only hurt them.... bugger! Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 I have met women who love to talk about the guys that throw themselves at them. It's a very attractive trait. The simple solution is to move out. The only thing stopping you is your lust for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleDove Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Bob, The only thing stopping me from moving has been my financial predicatment! but be horrible if you must...as if I enjoy THIS attention.,....and its the furthest thing from attractive I can think of!I prefer my men to be confident and outgoing!! talk about assumptions! Think before you type eh?? im moving next week, its not ideal but theres not much choice. no matter what I say, hes obsessed and its creepy. I will store my things in the garage and keep my room as im commited to study, im going to go and live 800kms away. Im buying soon, so will go live near that area until then.... pain in the azz. last year i cried because the x got me no present for xmas, after id bought him an expensive watch and been santa for his kids- i wish i got this braclet from my x last year..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts