stoneymirror Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 I’m confused. My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. This is the 2nd time she’s broken up with me now. After almost 2 years of being together we get in an argument that basically stems from the first breakup. It’s over this girl who I’ve known my whole life and isn’t anything more than a friend. This other "girl" is my sister’s best friend and lives 2500 miles away from me. Hell I don’t even have this girls phone number, but to my ex she was a threat for reasons I didn’t understand… Last year my ex and I went to visit some of my hs friends and this “girl” was there. Long story short, my ex got insecure with me joking with this “girl” and things blew up in our faces. A week passed and my ex dumped me, only to come back two months later saying she couldn’t stay away. Well it happened again. This “girl” shows up to my best friends wedding and my ex gets stressed in her presence. We fight cause I try and console her, but there’s no winning for me, and we get pissy. A week passes and my ex breaks up with me again I asked my ex throughout the entire week to talk to me about what was upsetting her, but she kept to herself, saying she didn't want to bring it up. A week passes and she drops the bomb on me over a 30 minute car ride where she was dropping me off for work. It’s as if she had it all planned out, but here’s where it gets confusing for me. She’s breaking up with me, telling me she doesn’t see things working out, we’re too different, etc. But then she says she might be self sabotaging this relationship, and that she’s at an age now that she prolly does want to settle down. She tells me she loves me, and is more emotional with me than anyone she’s ever know, including her parents. It was all very confusing and hard to understand. Especially considering she told me she didn’t have these feeling a week earlier, and that this other girl was a “catalyst” to the breakup. My ex was the one pushing for us to move in together months before, and now she wants to end things? She ends the conversation saying she’s so sorry for having to do this to me, and that I’ll find someone better than herself. She goes in for a hug and I take a step backwards. She leaves somewhat upset in how things ended. And that’s the last time I saw her. None of what happened felt right. Like she was trying to come up with things to justify breaking up cause she was so upset. I felt much of what she was saying was really blown out of proportion and not really a good description of how things really were. I totally understood her frustrations, but didn't understand why she was coming at me with all this ammunition. and much of it I didn't agree with. It felt like her defense mechanism totally took over and nothing would stop her from making this decision. So I’m confused. Part of me thinks her insecurities are gettin the best of her and preventing her from feeling comfortable. All I want to do is rassure her that I love her more than anything, but the lack of communication isn't helping, and we're left wondering and assuming what each other feels and thinks. This is an awful way to end things cause there's a bunch of miscommunications and I would hate to walk away forever thinking the wrong things. So I’ve gone NC with the exception of one txt 3 days after the breakup where I said, “I miss you, and really want to talk” She replied saying she didn’t feel like talking right now and to respect her and not try and call her. So I haven’t. And as much as I’d love to talk to her and understand her feelings, it seems like she isn’t ready. I know she loves me, she said it many times during the breakup, we even kissed a few times, and she grabbed my hand a number of times, but I can’t remain doormat and wait for her to come around. That isn’t fair to me and isn't something I can do. My door is open for her but it’s closing ever so quickly with each passing day. I understand she might be taking this time to discover what she really wants, and that's just fine, but the more time that passes the more I have to move on. I don’t know what she’s thinking, and I don’t know if she’ll ever come back. And at this point I’m just telling myself she isn’t so I can move on. I can't hold on to false hope any more. My only fear is that I hope pride doesn't get in either one of our ways to making this work. Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Your ex sounds really confused about how shes feeling. Its possible that she did sabotage things by finding something to get angry about and blowing it out of proportion, making her feel okay about leaving you. It sounds to me like MAYBE, maybe, there were little things your ex had problems with that she did not see changing. My ex and I had a few of those: we had our issues, we'd talk, we'd see each other's sides, but we never actually changed! We were hearing each other but not doing much. Maybe your ex just got tired of always fighting over little things? I'm not sure really. Anyways, you said you're not waiting on her to come back, and thats good. If she sorts things out in her head, gets a bit less confused, and she talks to you, thats wonderful. If not, its best moving on from a situation where you risk constantly being scrutinized for seemingly small issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoneymirror Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 We did fight a lot early on in the relationship, but over time we discovered how each of us acted in those situations and really worked on it, cause we knew how much we loved each other and knew we could make it right. Granted things weren't perfect but you could definately see we made a lot of progress. But yes this was prolly a contributing factor that day she decided to end things. That morning I brought up something she said in her sleep that kinda worried me, and that may have been the nail in the coffin. It's unfair cause I never was able to reassure her that some of the issues I have, have nothing to do with her at all. Yet I know she takes most of it personally... I have trouble trusting people cause I've been really burnt in the past. And as much as I did trust my ex, there was prolly always a concern for her that I wouldn't ever truely trust her. The truth is I trusted her more than anyone, she had my heart and I trusted her with it. She knows I've got issues with trust, this is my insecurity, I just hope she didn't take it too personally, cause she's deserving of my trust, there's no questioning that. Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Trust is huge in relationships. Thats one wall you need to really work on breaking down, because without it, a relationship is completely compromised. I've made that mistake before. One ex hurt me, I healed, but carried fears of being cheated on into the next relationship, it ended up biting me in the ass. Maybe try some councilling if its going to be a problem in the future? If you ex does come back, you'll definitely need to fix those trust problems. One issue is though, when you break up with someone, trust issues naturally form. So... she left you and hurt you, at the moment, you have legitimate reasons not to trust her. Bah! Its complicated stuff. I'm sorry you're going through this :S Just try to heal, and if she does not come back well... at least you've learned not to carry baggage from one relationship to another? Link to post Share on other sites
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