Sex is dwindling and creating depression

[duncan32]

Hi all,

 

Briefly: I'm 37, wife is 36. Been married for nearly 11 years, got 2 kids under 7. I'm in good shape, that's a fact, I work out. My wife is in pretty good shape and I'd never tell her otherwise even if she wasn't. Our sex life has decreased to once a month if I am lucky. It sounds so anal, but I've been keeping a record over the last 6 months or so and it's actually nearer once every 5 or 6 weeks. Thing is, when we it happens it's fabulous (for us both). She loves it, I know she loves it because she's the sort of lady that makes it quite apparent when she doesn't love it (if you see what I mean?) It's hot and it's passionate and every time I get a buzz and that buzz lasts a couple of days and then it fades as a week passes, but I am still happy and thinking "this time, we'll have sex again after maybe a week and a bit and that's not really enough for me, but that's ok, it's enough really, and if things stayed like that I'd be happy". A week becomes two weeks and then I start to get a bit sad as for the fourth or fifth time my "tapping on the shoulder" (Curb Your Entusiasm gag, not what I actually do!) is pushed away. Sure hurts. Sure hugely reduces my self esteem. Go to work and the guys that work for me talk about how they got some last night, how their wife woke them up in the middle of the night with a ****ing blow job. I start to get angry as week three becomes week four, and I snap at her and resent her and even my lovely kids suffer as I get generally pissed off with life (nothing other than not showing them enough love and giving them enough time) as week five approaches I am muttering under my breath about leaving her when she is out of the room. Then, I start to think "What if we just never have sex again? What if I accept that and just continue jerking off four or five times a week over internet porn? Wouldn't that be better as at least I'd know where I stand?" I would at least be in control. It would be on my terms and I wouldn't have to face disappointment and rejection. But the thing is, around week five or sex of no sex and my wife generally ****s me. Does she at last notice that I am on the point of exploding? I don't know.

 

It is a fact that if my two kids weren't the whole world to me (along with my wife who I love so much) I would be gone.

 

That's my story, I just needed to share it. Anyone with similar situations, advice and so on, would be good to hear from you.

 

Thanks.

 

D:)

[whichwayisup]

You have to kids under the age of 7. Your wife is tired and probably isn't feeling too sexy. Instead of getting pissed off and wanting to leave, try focussing on spending time alone with her. Get a sitter and drop the kids off at the grandparents for a weekend so you two can go out to dinner, talk and bond, be intimate on an emotional level, as well as a sexual level.

 

Woo her! Bring home flowers, arrange an evening where you put the kids to bed and she can go soak in the bathtub - Then later on give her a massage. ALL this stuff will lead to her feeling better and inturn, sex for you.

 

I also suggest talking to her about how this is making you feel. In a nice way ofcourse, no need of fights over this. She needs to know that less intimacy is making you feel unloved and down. She also has to do her part in making the marriage, the friendship between you two consistant and happier. Compromise, communication and understanding eachother will help get the ball rolling in a more positive direction. Your marriage is important and you both need to make special time for eachother.

 

Hope this helps.

[blair08]

So she knows how you feel on the matter? You have sat down with her and explained how you feel about it? Have you asked her if there was something bothering her if she was feeling ok?

 

It could be a number of things. Having two kids under 7 is a job in its self. Perhaps she is tired? Do you help take the load off by helping her with the kids and chores etc? Maybe she is depressed?

[motive2002]

This is a kinda tongue-in-cheek response, please don't take it as advice =\

 

I am a very sexual person.. human touch is, to me, revitalizing. Kinda like recharging your batteries. I translate passion very well..

With that said, if my wife was having sex with me that infrequently, I'd hire a private detective and see just who she is having sex with.

[JackJack]

A PI should come as a last resort not a first resort. He hasn't even really talked with her about what is going on with her.

 

You need to get to the bottom of what is causing her to feel the way she does. Communication is the key.

[whichwayisup]

With that said, if my wife was having sex with me that infrequently, I'd hire a private detective and see just who she is having sex with

 

Yeah, when is she going to find the time between two kids under the age of 7? Chances are, they aren't in school yet, or if they are, it's half day and even then, getting organized around the house, having afew hours to grocery shop, do laundry, organize lunches etc, that time goes by FAST...I highly doubt there's another man. More like she's tired, worn out and not feeling sexy or sexual. It happens and men don't seem to understand how hard it is for some women to get out of "mommy mode" and turn into "wife mode".

[carhill]

I'm in good shape, that's a fact, I work out. My wife is in pretty good shape and I'd never tell her otherwise even if she wasn't. Our sex life has decreased to once a month if I am lucky. It sounds so anal, but I've been keeping a record over the last 6 months or so and it's actually nearer once every 5 or 6 weeks.

 

First step is to get away from the superficial. The reality is deeper

 

Communication is first. Tell us what she wants from the marriage and is and is not getting...

[duncan32]

Lots to think about, and I'll sleep on it and post properly tomorrow. Thanks all, it's really good to have such quick responses (and helpful ones at that, even the PI one, which sent a brief shiver down my spine, but I'm with Whichwayisup on that one!).

 

D

 

[duncan32]

First step is to get away from the superficial. The reality is deeper

 

Communication is first. Tell us what she wants from the marriage and is and is not getting...

 

 

Yeh, that made me sound superficial, but I don't really think I am - I was just making the point that one of us becoming physically different to how we were when we met had not happened and wasn't a factor, imo.

 

Duncan

 

[carhill]

For clarity, I use "superficial" in this instance to describe what is on the surface, not to mean such things are in any way unhealthy. Perhaps "symptomatic" might be a better choice of words.

 

The real issues are deeper within the M.... IMO...

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I just wanted to chime in and say the guys you work with are liars.

[EnigmasMuse]

I was kind of thinking the same thing. These friends of yours may not be telling you the truth. Some people do like to brag you know. While that might be true for some getting it alot, I doubt its true for all.

 

You're not alone in the lack of sex department. However, the key is to talk with her and find out exactly what is going on. Its rarely just one person that has the whole issue on themselves. Something is contributing to her lack there of.

[tommyr]

My friend, I have been right where you are (search for my posts and threads from a few years ago). I am not smart enough to tell you what you should do. Instead I will simply tell you what I did. For the record, today things are great now with my wife, both sexually and otherwise. That habit you mentioned of keeping record is hard to break - my data shows we are averaging 2X per week; yesterday's session was 90 minutes with a final score ending tied at 1 each.

 

Read this a few times.

More like she's tired, worn out and not feeling sexy or sexual. It happens and men don't seem to understand how hard it is for some women to get out of "mommy mode" and turn into "wife mode".

 

Read that again, because understanding this was the key to saving my marriage. One very important thing that Whichwayisup might not realize is that although my wife was indeed tired from the kids, that was not a valid excuse to ignore sex in our marriage.

 

My job was

 

1. explain to the wife that she is exhausted from being supermom to the kids
   
2. help her understand that I was VERY unhappy with our sex life
   
3. ask her to look closely at our situation and that we need to re-balance her energy usage to ensure that our sex life would get some priority, specifically
   
   • what stuff I might help her with
     
   • what stuff she could just do less of
     
   • what stuff was never really needed in the first place (just her supermom ego telling her to do it)
     

 

[*]try to control my anger/resentment because I was busting my ass just like she was and yet I still seemed to have energy left over for sex and my own physical fitness (let me guess.. your wife has gained a few even after the births?)

We also went to a great marriage counselor for a few months who helped us get through the tough spots.

 

Good luck and keep us posted

[duncan32]

I feel so happy that I have posted on here and had such positive suggestions and help. Can't thank all of you enough, really.

 

Today I arranged for our two kids to stay over at my wife's mum's house on this coming Saturday, so we can go out together. Going to do something different, not just the usual meal out and a few drinks. Or if we do end up doing that it's going to be somewhere nice, somewhere we have to drive to, so it's a bit special. I'm not exactly sure if I am going to talk to her about how I feel yet. I think I may just try to ramp up the romance and see if I can fix it this way. The way I see it, as soon as the "I am not happy with our sex life" words are spoken, I will always be thinking "well, we're having more sex now, but what I wanted was for my wife to WANT to have more sex with me, not feel obliged to". As Jeff Buckley sang, "Kiss me, please kiss me. But kiss me out of desire, baby, and not consolation."

 

We shall see though. The thing I have taken from these posts from all of you people is a sense of purpose. I have a challenge and I am going to do everything I can to rise to it. I think seeing it in writing from other people's thoughts, makes me realise that it is something that I knew all along, but just chose to hide under the easier "it's not me"...

 

I will indeed keep you posted, if people are interested.

 

Thanks.

 

D

[whichwayisup]

Don't make it about sex - Just make it about intimacy and closeness (holding her hand, kissing her etc) and if later on she intiates it, go for it! BUT if not, give her a massage and just cuddle. Sure that will suck for you in some sense, but try to make this night about connecting again on an emotioal level..Once she feels that, the physical stuff will follow eventually so don't give up or feel frustration (meaning anger).

[SoleMate]

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. Very practical advice.

[Enema]

You write very well.

 

I'm keen for chapter two, don't be a stranger.

[Mr. Lucky]

I start to get angry as week three becomes week four, and I snap at her and resent her and even my lovely kids suffer as I get generally pissed off with life

One of the hardest things to understand is that feeling of anger and resentment is counter-productive in terms of what you want to accomplish. Putting up your own wall doesn't help you when you're trying to tear hers down. As others have told you - and it's been repeated many times in similar threads - the key is understanding why she feels the way she does. Your mind set should be based on trying to make things better for her as that will get you more and better sex in the long run. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustInYourself]

Great information here. I posted above, but this really addressed my concerns. It's been hard to settle for less and want more and more and more. I was concerned and forced a discussion/argument.

 

I feel bad now for asking for more and her giving me a look. Ugh, I shot myself in the foot and now I will have to really "work" on things. Any thoughts?

[JamesM]

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. Very practical advice.

 

Don't make it about sex - Just make it about intimacy and closeness (holding her hand, kissing her etc) and if later on she initiates it, go for it! BUT if not, give her a massage and just cuddle. Sure that will suck for you in some sense, but try to make this night about connecting again on an emotional level..Once she feels that, the physical stuff will follow eventually so don't give up or feel frustration (meaning anger).

 

Excellent pieces of advice.

 

Duncan, what I am going to tell you will not make you feel better, but it is reality.

 

What you wrote could have been me exactly at your age. Down to everything except I had three kids at the time. We were married for 11 years. (Now it is 18). We had sex that "infrequently" for various reasons.

 

And looking back, I wish that I could say it got a lot better, but it didn't.

 

For awhile, two years ago, things were incredible for quite a few months...more sex than I could handle, but I think she felt that she had better change or I would leave her even if I stayed in the marriage. Today we do have a good relationship outside of sex, and we do have sex occasionally, but not like I anticipated.

 

After having tried pretty much everything, I can say to you...do the same. But remember...change will not happen unless SHE wants to change. You can do all of these things and get some temporary results as I did, but lasting results may not be there.

 

Now at 45, we are in the same boat as you, but there are four kids and they are in school. I help more than I ever did and she could make time. Her words is that "a switch has been turned off."

 

I do have hope yet. And truthfully, I cannot imagine life without her. While sex is important, it is not important enough to break up my family for. What I am afraid of and keep diligent abut is that an affair is always a possibility in my situation...and in yours. When there is dissatisfaction in a marriage, then this is a real concern.

 

If you read The Sex Starved Marriage, you will see your situation spelled out better than you will see it in any book. Having read quite a few, I can say this. I also think you should share the book with your wife. Let her know how important this is to you and to your marriage and ultimately to her life.

 

I did and that is what produced the half a year of a great marriage.

 

Why that slipped away, I have never known, nor can I get a good answer from my wife.

 

So...reality is...the two of you may simply have mismatched libidos, and you will need to focus on what you love abut her while trying to improve your sex life. My suggestion is...be grateful for what you get and NEVER EVER critique her for her lack of libido or interest. It will always do more harm than good.

 

Stay away from the subject unless you mean to have a serious talk. And have a serious talk rarely. Trust me...she knows more than you think what is missing. The key for you is to find out WHY it is missing. This is one of those cases that knowing why is the only way to a solution. As easy as that sounds, it is the hardest quest possible it seems.

 

Never make innuendos as to the lack of sex in your life. If you cannot make a loving constructive remark regarding your need for sex in terms of how it affects her, make no comments whatsoever.

 

Good luck.

[TrustInYourself]

Excellent pieces of advice.

 

Duncan, what I am going to tell you will not make you feel better, but it is reality.

 

What you wrote could have been me exactly at your age. Down to everything except I had three kids at the time. We were married for 11 years. (Now it is 18). We had sex that "infrequently" for various reasons.

 

And looking back, I wish that I could say it got a lot better, but it didn't.

 

For awhile, two years ago, things were incredible for quite a few months...more sex than I could handle, but I think she felt that she had better change or I would leave her even if I stayed in the marriage. Today we do have a good relationship outside of sex, and we do have sex occasionally, but not like I anticipated.

 

After having tried pretty much everything, I can say to you...do the same. But remember...change will not happen unless SHE wants to change. You can do all of these things and get some temporary results as I did, but lasting results may not be there.

 

Now at 45, we are in the same boat as you, but there are four kids and they are in school. I help more than I ever did and she could make time. Her words is that "a switch has been turned off."

 

I do have hope yet. And truthfully, I cannot imagine life without her. While sex is important, it is not important enough to break up my family for. What I am afraid of and keep diligent abut is that an affair is always a possibility in my situation...and in yours. When there is dissatisfaction in a marriage, then this is a real concern.

 

If you read The Sex Starved Marriage, you will see your situation spelled out better than you will see it in any book. Having read quite a few, I can say this. I also think you should share the book with your wife. Let her know how important this is to you and to your marriage and ultimately to her life.

 

I did and that is what produced the half a year of a great marriage.

 

Why that slipped away, I have never known, nor can I get a good answer from my wife.

 

So...reality is...the two of you may simply have mismatched libidos, and you will need to focus on what you love abut her while trying to improve your sex life. My suggestion is...be grateful for what you get and NEVER EVER critique her for her lack of libido or interest. It will always do more harm than good.

 

Stay away from the subject unless you mean to have a serious talk. And have a serious talk rarely. Trust me...she knows more than you think what is missing. The key for you is to find out WHY it is missing. This is one of those cases that knowing why is the only way to a solution. As easy as that sounds, it is the hardest quest possible it seems.

 

Never make innuendos as to the lack of sex in your life. If you cannot make a loving constructive remark regarding your need for sex in terms of how it affects her, make no comments whatsoever.

 

Good luck.

 

Is that really what it comes to? Never talk about it unless you are building her up? I'm sorry, I would not stand for that situation. How can you be happy settling for less for such a long time. Maybe the fact that you can do it, allows your wife the luxury of thinking it's ok to "have a switch flipped off". That's like you telling her, my romance switch is flipped off. My considerate switch is flipped off. My husband switch is flipped off. Screw that. You and I have the same type of wife and that is my worst fear looking into the future. I'm not someone who just settles for less, when I could easily find another woman. The only problem is, as you said, I love her and she has many traits that I love, but those traits probably exist in other women.

 

Let me be specific. I don't want another woman or an affair. I want to be physically intimate with the woman I love, the mother of my daughter, and my life partner. But she's repulsed by my sexual desire. Well, that hurts.

[melodymatters]

I feel so happy that I have posted on here and had such positive suggestions and help. Can't thank all of you enough, really.

 

Today I arranged for our two kids to stay over at my wife's mum's house on this coming Saturday, so we can go out together. Going to do something different, not just the usual meal out and a few drinks. Or if we do end up doing that it's going to be somewhere nice, somewhere we have to drive to, so it's a bit special. I'm not exactly sure if I am going to talk to her about how I feel yet. I think I may just try to ramp up the romance and see if I can fix it this way. The way I see it, as soon as the "I am not happy with our sex life" words are spoken, I will always be thinking "well, we're having more sex now, but what I wanted was for my wife to WANT to have more sex with me, not feel obliged to". As Jeff Buckley sang, "Kiss me, please kiss me. But kiss me out of desire, baby, and not consolation."

 

We shall see though. The thing I have taken from these posts from all of you people is a sense of purpose. I have a challenge and I am going to do everything I can to rise to it. I think seeing it in writing from other people's thoughts, makes me realise that it is something that I knew all along, but just chose to hide under the easier "it's not me"...

 

I will indeed keep you posted, if people are interested.

 

Thanks.

 

D

 

 

Indeed we are interested ! Thanks for your posts, as i feel that this is what LS is for, and sometimes is NOT, if you all know what i mean.

 

Good luck with your plans, keep us posted !

 

..Oh, and welcome to Love shack !:bunny:

[Mr. Lucky]

Let me be specific. I don't want another woman or an affair. I want to be physically intimate with the woman I love, the mother of my daughter, and my life partner. But she's repulsed by my sexual desire. Well, that hurts.

I think there's a difference between "repulsed" and "not interested", although both probably have the same negative impact on the highly-interested partner. As posted on these forums, there can be a huge difference in libido for both partners in various stages of the marriage.

 

What is your wife's reaction if you try and discuss it with her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[duncan32]

Indeed we are interested ! Thanks for your posts, as i feel that this is what LS is for, and sometimes is NOT, if you all know what i mean.

 

Good luck with your plans, keep us posted !

 

..Oh, and welcome to Love shack !:bunny:

 

Ok, update on life since this post (long time ago, sorry). We had a nice weekend of a clearly ramped up romance effort from myself and nothing happened. We did have sex about a week later, but that was at the end of the standard 6 to 7 week cycle, so nothing new. I lay in bed one night a few weeks later as we were falling asleep and said to her "Do you know how often we have sex?" She told me she did and she said about every 6 to 8 weeks. It told her that she was right and that it made me very unhappy. I told her that I would never leave her, and that if it came to it I would just accept being unhappy to stay with her and my family, even though I wasn't happy about that. I tried to keep calm and not be confrontational. We haven't spoken about that conversation since. I sort of feel it was up to her to bring it up the next day. A month has gone since then. Nothing has changed. I am currently in the "angry" stage, which is about week 5 of rejection. It will pass in a few days and merge into the selfish phase. Feels like groudhog day.

Further advice appreciated, of course.

 

Duncan

[imagine]

Give her one of those tonics on the bottom that works so well.

 

Apparently you may not actually be able to keep up!