I went out on a Limb...and lost my dignity and self respect in the process

[Ratherunique]

Well here's my story.

 

Before my most recent 4 month relationship I was in a 5 year relationship. I eventually got over my 5 year relationship. Heres the thing, it feels like it will be harder for me to get over this 4 month relationship.

 

I met my ex of 4 months back in July. We moved quickly. Withing 2 weeks we were bf/gf..lol. A month later we took a vacation together. We had a great time. This is where it starts getting rocky. From the beginning I had asked her if their were any lingering ex's. She said there werent' and I believed her. The first time we go to the movies I see her responding to her ex. I ask her "Whens the last time you spoke to your ex?". She responds by saying "Not for a while". I told her well how come I just saw you texting your ex. I let her know I was disappointed and then she asks me if I will hold it against her. I told her I wouldn't. That was the first red flag, at that point I should have ran and never looked back. That was strike one.

 

The 2nd time around I find out she is still entertaining his IM's and emails. I threaten to walk away. She says she won't do it again. It comes to the point that she sends an email to him saying she will not speak to him anymore out of respect for me. Fast forward to the beginning of November. She takes a new job which is in line with her school (Masters) and career goals. Intitially I was supposed to go to her Xmas party for work. Suddenly she doesn't want me to come anymore.... I new at this point something was suspect. Sometime in Mid november she tells me she will be meeting up with her Old coworkers. I tell her thats fine. She tells me she is going to a certain restaurant. I told her I would be in the area for work and would try to drop by.

 

She answers me with multiple excuses as to why she doesn't want me to come by. I later find out by a friend who overheard our conversation that the restaurant she said she was going to was still under construction. She felt embarassed when I confronted her about it. The following day she asks me for space. I say were either together or apart. I break up with her....she begs me to come back and says she wants to work it out. The next day she says the real reason why she didn't want me to come was because her former boss was in the midst of losing her job and wanted to confide in her for advice. I found that very hard to believe..I told her she could have just told me that from the beginning. I new something was wrong with that excuse but I let it go unfortunately.From that day on I created space between us. I would only see her once a week. I would always let her initiate contact.

 

Fast forward to December 3rd she tells me that she is going to start working out. I say fine, it sounds like a good idea. She says she would either be working out or going to happy hour on Friday December 5th. Mind you I had been out 2weeks before visiting my parents for thanksgiving. During my vacation she would call me when she came home from going out, she would text me "I miss you" and I love you. When I got back into town on December 4th she tells me that I created too much space between us. She was asking me if I was going to break up with her. I told her no. We already had plans for Saturday December 6th, but I haven't seen her for 2 weeks so I tell her I can drop by after work on Friday December 5th. I felt bad that it's been 2 weeks since I've seen her. She gives me multiple excuses why she can't see me. She tells me "I'm going to happy hour" then it changes to "working out at the gym" to "I have to domy marketing project" I knew she was keeping something from me and it urked me big time. It had been 2 weeks since I had seen her, any devout GF would have said sure stop by with no hesitation.

 

Later that night I text her and say " Is it me or does seem like you don't want me to be around your co-workers (didn't want me to come to the xmas party). You have been acting shady lately". She calls me up upset. We end up going to sleep angry at each other. I wake up the following day and call her up at 8:30 to tell her that it isn't working out, we are not seeing eye to eye and that she is not ready for me. She threw me off by saying "OK". I was expecting her to crawl back again. Boy was I wrong....she used pychological jujitsu on me. She told me she would pick up her things.

 

This is where I went wrong......after breaking up with her I attempted to reconcile with her later that day. The biggest mistake....she denied the request, I lost my self respect and dignity. I found out from a friend, her ex drove up to meet with her the following Monday. I went NC 1 week after the break up but then broke down on December 18th by sending her emails trying to rationalize and make her change her mind. I tried to reconcile because I liked the security of having a girlfriend. During that time I had went on one date and told her about it. She acted jealous and was curious as to who it was, what she does etc..

 

Fast forward to this past Tuesday Dec 23rd, I text her and tell her "No hard feelings" I hope things work out for you and you find the right man. She responds to me on facebook by saying "I am not looking for Mr Right right now. I am focusing on my new career and school (Masters). After I'm done reaching my goals, I will get into another relationship.". She also says " No matter how much I love my ex, I will never get back with him because I know it won't work out and on the second hand I looked at every aspect of this situation. I am sorry that I hid things from you. The more pressure you put on me the more I resented telling you everything. I needed a bf to stand beside me not behind me or in front of me. Happy holidays to your family and your new found girlfriend.

 

5 minutes later she puts on her face book "The biggest challenge is realizing he will never make it back to your heart no matter how much love their is to offer.

 

I responded by text saying " If I knew you still loved your ex I would of left long ago...maybe it would have been easier for you to work your way back to his heart. I should have stood beside you more often instead of in front or behind you, but it was hard because you weren't honest with me. I guess the saying is right.....a lingering ex is one of the top 10 relationship killers. For the record I haven't declared anyone my girlfriend. I don't want to be in a relationship right now.

 

2 hours later she trys calling me but I did not pick up. I have been doing strict NC since Wed Dec 24th.

 

It was a struggle between my heart and my mind to even initiate the break up. But then my heart and the desire for security attempted to reconcile afterwards. As a result my self respect and dignity has taken a major hit. We did so much in the course of 4 months which is making it more difficult to get over this than my 5 yr relationship. Any insight anyone?

[BikerBeagle]

lol ..."psychological jujitsu".

 

It hurts worse because, even though the initial break up was your choosing and within your control, the reconciliation failure wasn't. If you hadn't tried to reconcile, you probably would've been ok with this whole situation.

[northstar1]

Well here's my story.

 

Before my most recent 4 month relationship I was in a 5 year relationship. I eventually got over my 5 year relationship. Heres the thing, it feels like it will be harder for me to get over this 4 month relationship.

 

I met my ex of 4 months back in July. We moved quickly. Withing 2 weeks we were bf/gf..lol. A month later we took a vacation together. We had a great time. This is where it starts getting rocky. From the beginning I had asked her if their were any lingering ex's. She said there werent' and I believed her. The first time we go to the movies I see her responding to her ex. I ask her "Whens the last time you spoke to your ex?". She responds by saying "Not for a while". I told her well how come I just saw you texting your ex. I let her know I was disappointed and then she asks me if I will hold it against her. I told her I wouldn't. That was the first red flag, at that point I should have ran and never looked back. That was strike one.

 

The 2nd time around I find out she is still entertaining his IM's and emails. I threaten to walk away. She says she won't do it again. It comes to the point that she sends an email to him saying she will not speak to him anymore out of respect for me. Fast forward to the beginning of November. She takes a new job which is in line with her school (Masters) and career goals. Intitially I was supposed to go to her Xmas party for work. Suddenly she doesn't want me to come anymore.... I new at this point something was suspect. Sometime in Mid november she tells me she will be meeting up with her Old coworkers. I tell her thats fine. She tells me she is going to a certain restaurant. I told her I would be in the area for work and would try to drop by.

 

She answers me with multiple excuses as to why she doesn't want me to come by. I later find out by a friend who overheard our conversation that the restaurant she said she was going to was still under construction. She felt embarassed when I confronted her about it. The following day she asks me for space. I say were either together or apart. I break up with her....she begs me to come back and says she wants to work it out. The next day she says the real reason why she didn't want me to come was because her former boss was in the midst of losing her job and wanted to confide in her for advice. I found that very hard to believe..I told her she could have just told me that from the beginning. I new something was wrong with that excuse but I let it go unfortunately.From that day on I created space between us. I would only see her once a week. I would always let her initiate contact.

 

Fast forward to December 3rd she tells me that she is going to start working out. I say fine, it sounds like a good idea. She says she would either be working out or going to happy hour on Friday December 5th. Mind you I had been out 2weeks before visiting my parents for thanksgiving. During my vacation she would call me when she came home from going out, she would text me "I miss you" and I love you. When I got back into town on December 4th she tells me that I created too much space between us. She was asking me if I was going to break up with her. I told her no. We already had plans for Saturday December 6th, but I haven't seen her for 2 weeks so I tell her I can drop by after work on Friday December 5th. I felt bad that it's been 2 weeks since I've seen her. She gives me multiple excuses why she can't see me. She tells me "I'm going to happy hour" then it changes to "working out at the gym" to "I have to domy marketing project" I knew she was keeping something from me and it urked me big time. It had been 2 weeks since I had seen her, any devout GF would have said sure stop by with no hesitation.

 

Later that night I text her and say " Is it me or does seem like you don't want me to be around your co-workers (didn't want me to come to the xmas party). You have been acting shady lately". She calls me up upset. We end up going to sleep angry at each other. I wake up the following day and call her up at 8:30 to tell her that it isn't working out, we are not seeing eye to eye and that she is not ready for me. She threw me off by saying "OK". I was expecting her to crawl back again. Boy was I wrong....she used pychological jujitsu on me. She told me she would pick up her things.

 

This is where I went wrong......after breaking up with her I attempted to reconcile with her later that day. The biggest mistake....she denied the request, I lost my self respect and dignity. I found out from a friend, her ex drove up to meet with her the following Monday. I went NC 1 week after the break up but then broke down on December 18th by sending her emails trying to rationalize and make her change her mind. I tried to reconcile because I liked the security of having a girlfriend. During that time I had went on one date and told her about it. She acted jealous and was curious as to who it was, what she does etc..

 

Fast forward to this past Tuesday Dec 23rd, I text her and tell her "No hard feelings" I hope things work out for you and you find the right man. She responds to me on facebook by saying "I am not looking for Mr Right right now. I am focusing on my new career and school (Masters). After I'm done reaching my goals, I will get into another relationship.". She also says " No matter how much I love my ex, I will never get back with him because I know it won't work out and on the second hand I looked at every aspect of this situation. I am sorry that I hid things from you. The more pressure you put on me the more I resented telling you everything. I needed a bf to stand beside me not behind me or in front of me. Happy holidays to your family and your new found girlfriend.

 

5 minutes later she puts on her face book "The biggest challenge is realizing he will never make it back to your heart no matter how much love their is to offer.

 

I responded by text saying " If I knew you still loved your ex I would of left long ago...maybe it would have been easier for you to work your way back to his heart. I should have stood beside you more often instead of in front or behind you, but it was hard because you weren't honest with me. I guess the saying is right.....a lingering ex is one of the top 10 relationship killers. For the record I haven't declared anyone my girlfriend. I don't want to be in a relationship right now.

 

2 hours later she trys calling me but I did not pick up. I have been doing strict NC since Wed Dec 24th.

 

It was a struggle between my heart and my mind to even initiate the break up. But then my heart and the desire for security attempted to reconcile afterwards. As a result my self respect and dignity has taken a major hit. We did so much in the course of 4 months which is making it more difficult to get over this than my 5 yr relationship. Any insight anyone?

 

Dude, I feel your pain, but this girl is one walking red flag. The lies, the fickle decisions............way too much to deal with. I understand you like this girl a lot, but I just see heartache written all over this one, whether or not she still loves her ex.

 

Walk away. She doesn't know what she wants, while you do. That's a problem you don't need.

[Ratherunique]

Yes indeed Northstar and Bikerbeagle.....I hear you on that. It's just a PAIN in the ass.... you know. My last relationship ended because of an ex. I don't think there is anyone out there now who doesn't have some kind of baggage..... I guess it's just a matter of how you present yourself and handle the situation.

[Ratherunique]

This case of the ex BS has got me sick to the stomach.......I'm so glad that ish only lasted 4 months. Imagine I invested more time and the same ish happened. I am not going to give any female the time of day if they say they still keep in touch with their ex......

DUMB B$#TCH AS$ mOTHER#@FCKIN C$NTS. Sorry people, I have to vent....I spent XMas alone, about to spend New Years alone with this BS on my mind.

[Trialbyfire]

You lay some boundaries down for her and she just kept rolling over each one with little to no respect. Also, when someone is allowed to come back time and again, each time you break up, more respect and trust is lost on both sides.

 

Walk away from this learning experience. The next time, decide where your hard boundaries lie. Then, enforce them without looking back.

[Ratherunique]

Hell yeah trialbyfire....you hit the nail on the head perfectly. Next time, if theirs any word of any kind of contact with an ex, I'm not giving them the time of day. The hardest part now is just getting back in the mix...back to the damn rat race. I enjoy the security of a relationship.

[Ratherunique]

You know what's even frustrating about this.....It's 1:00 am and I'm still up venting about this ish on a early Saturday morning. I'm visiting the family so I can't exactly pick up and go to the nearest bar. But nonetheless I am disappointed at this corny ass breakup

[Knight_Ctrl]

I've found that if you have something reasonable to genuinely be pissed off about, focus on that and run with it. For me its much easier to be angry than to be depressed. I know you cared for her but if there is something you think is ****ed up about the situation, use that to make yourself angry and at least it'll give you some sense of control....turn to the dark side young jedi.

[You'reasian]

Well here's my story.

 

Before my most recent 4 month relationship you weren't honest with me. I guess the saying is right.....a lingeriI was in a 5 year relationship. I eventually got over my 5 year relationship. Heres the thing, it feels like it will be harder for me to get over this 4 month relationship.

 

I met my ex of 4 months back in July. We moved quickly. Withing 2 weeks we were bf/gf..lol. A month later we took a vacation together. We had a great time. This is where it starts getting rocky. From the beginning I had asked her if their were any lingering ex's. She said there werent' and I believed her. The first time we go to the movies I see her responding to her ex. I ask her "Whens the last time you spoke to your ex?". She responds by saying "Not for a while". I told her well how come I just saw you texting your ex. I let her know I was disappointed and then she asks me if I will hold it against her. I told her I wouldn't. That was the first red flag, at that point I should have ran and never looked back. That was strike one.

 

The 2nd time around I find out she is still entertaining his IM's and emails. I threaten to walk away. She says she won't do it again. It comes to the point that she sends an email to him saying she will not speak to him anymore out of respect for me. Fast forward to the beginning of November. She takes a new job which is in line with her school (Masters) and career goals. Intitially I was supposed to go to her Xmas party for work. Suddenly she doesn't want me to come anymore.... I new at this point something was suspect. Sometime in Mid november she tells me she will be meeting up with her Old coworkers. I tell her thats fine. She tells me she is going to a certain restaurant. I told her I would be in the area for work and would try to drop by.

 

She answers me with multiple excuses as to why she doesn't want me to come by. I later find out by a friend who overheard our conversation that the restaurant she said she was going to was still under construction. She felt embarassed when I confronted her about it. The following day she asks me for space. I say were either together or apart. I break up with her....she begs me to come back and says she wants to work it out. The next day she says the real reason why she didn't want me to come was because her former boss was in the midst of losing her job and wanted to confide in her for advice. I found that very hard to believe..I told her she could have just told me that from the beginning. I new something was wrong with that excuse but I let it go unfortunately.From that day on I created space between us. I would only see her once a week. I would always let her initiate contact.

 

Fast forward to December 3rd she tells me that she is going to start working out. I say fine, it sounds like a good idea. She says she would either be working out or going to happy hour on Friday December 5th. Mind you I had been out 2weeks before visiting my parents for thanksgiving. During my vacation she would call me when she came home from going out, she would text me "I miss you" and I love you. When I got back into town on December 4th she tells me that I created too much space between us. She was asking me if I was going to break up with her. I told her no. We already had plans for Saturday December 6th, but I haven't seen her for 2 weeks so I tell her I can drop by after work on Friday December 5th. I felt bad that it's been 2 weeks since I've seen her. She gives me multiple excuses why she can't see me. She tells me "I'm going to happy hour" then it changes to "working out at the gym" to "I have to domy marketing project" I knew she was keeping something from me and it urked me big time. It had been 2 weeks since I had seen her, any devout GF would have said sure stop by with no hesitation.

 

Later that night I text her and say " Is it me or does seem like you don't want me to be around your co-workers (didn't want me to come to the xmas party). You have been acting shady lately". She calls me up upset. We end up going to sleep angry at each other. I wake up the following day and call her up at 8:30 to tell her that it isn't working out, we are not seeing eye to eye and that she is not ready for me. She threw me off by saying "OK". I was expecting her to crawl back again. Boy was I wrong....she used pychological jujitsu on me. She told me she would pick up her things.

 

This is where I went wrong......after breaking up with her I attempted to reconcile with her later that day. The biggest mistake....she denied the request, I lost my self respect and dignity. I found out from a friend, her ex drove up to meet with her the following Monday. I went NC 1 week after the break up but then broke down on December 18th by sending her emails trying to rationalize and make her change her mind. I tried to reconcile because I liked the security of having a girlfriend. During that time I had went on one date and told her about it. She acted jealous and was curious as to who it was, what she does etc..

 

Fast forward to this past Tuesday Dec 23rd, I text her and tell her "No hard feelings" I hope things work out for you and you find the right man. She responds to me on facebook by saying "I am not looking for Mr Right right now. I am focusing on my new career and school (Masters). After I'm done reaching my goals, I will get into another relationship.". She also says " No matter how much I love my ex, I will never get back with him because I know it won't work out and on the second hand I looked at every aspect of this situation. I am sorry that I hid things from you. The more pressure you put on me the more I resented telling you everything. I needed a bf to stand beside me not behind me or in front of me. Happy holidays to your family and your new found girlfriend.

 

5 minutes later she puts on her face book "The biggest challenge is realizing he will never make it back to your heart no matter how much love their is to offer.

 

I responded by text saying " If I knew you still loved your ex I would of left long ago...maybe it would have been easier for you to work your way back to his heart. I should have stood beside you more often instead of in front or behind you, but it was hard becauseng ex is one of the top 10 relationship killers. For the record I haven't declared anyone my girlfriend. I don't want to be in a relationship right now.

 

2 hours later she trys calling me but I did not pick up. I have been doing strict NC since Wed Dec 24th.

 

It was a struggle between my heart and my mind to even initiate the break up. But then my heart and the desire for security attempted to reconcile afterwards. As a result my self respect and dignity has taken a major hit. We did so much in the course of 4 months which is making it more difficult to get over this than my 5 yr relationship. Any insight anyone?

 

It takes strength to break up from a relationship that you are deeply involved with but know that something is critically wrong and not working.

 

Don't play the reverse psychology game. Be direct with women; better yet brutally honest.

 

If it scares them, makes them create excuses or lies you're not standing in front of a real woman now, are you.

 

You will know when you are standing before a real woman because everything will line up about her. She's got her past (we all do) but you will catch her doing what she says she will do (I'm not talking about little things like chores, but things that are critical), you will feel her heart and know that you can trust her. She will not fall to screaming, manipulative arguing (flipping), maladaptive crying or what have you - she will show you exactly what she's all about and you'll never have to ask. She won't hedge her bet on you but if she wants to keep it light and casual, she will let her intentions be known.

 

You can find her wearing a nice pair of jeans, boots and a rodeo shirt taking her dog out for a walk or find her working in a hospital in some foreign land, speaking one of many languages that she's picked up.

 

I feel like I've been spoiled to have been involved with women like this; it kinda screws up other women's chances - I mean I understand women will play little games from time to time, but it just makes you realize how little bs you will put up with.

[Ratherunique]

I haven't had many "real woman" yet then. I have to go through the bad ones before I get to the good ones. I'll be out and about once I get back home.