Cheated. Can I make this right?

[0000008881290000000]

I cheated on my fiance last month, only a week after he asked me to marry him.

 

For three and a half years, we have been together (in a sense) but for over three years, he was unwilling to make a commitment to be my boyfriend or say he loves me or any other outward sign of caring. I have been in love with him for a very long time and have wanted to be with him and only him for all of that time. J is a wonderful, talented and loyal man who has always made me very happy, except for the fact that he refused to say he loves me or commit to me.

 

After three years of no commitment, I left the city where we were living and moved to the other side of the country to go back to school. Since I have gotten back to school, my life has changed drastically. I have made many new friends and have been going out quite frequently. Understandably, J was getting a little frustrated and I think, was beginning to see how much I meant to him, and asked if we could be together, as a couple, and I was very happy to be his girlfriend.

 

I went to visit him in early November and he asked me to marry him. I was extremely happy and excited, but as I thought about everything, it just started to seem as though I was making a huge mistake. He did not want to have any kind of ceremony at all and it just seemed like maybe he was getting a little bit old (although he is only 27) and so he decided to settle for me. I just did not understand how he could change his mind so suddenly and want to be with me, after so much time had passed without any kind of outward feeling.

 

About a week after we were engaged, after I had told my family and his family about our engagement, I cheated on him. I don't know how I could have let it happen and I don't know why I just didn't talk to him when I had doubts about it. It was so stupid. I was just at my friend's house, and he just started telling me all this stuff about how he felt and how I shouldn't get married and then it just happened. It was just this blur and it all happened so fast.

 

I felt so terrible about what happened, not only because of the betrayal of my fiance, but also about our families. His family has been so wonderful to me and I can't believe how much I have let them down. It is killing me inside to think about how much they hate me now.

 

After I told J, he was soooooo angry and I thought we would break up, because he has always said that if I ever cheated on him, he would leave me. But he didn't leave me. He opened up to me about so many things that he has felt in the past and now. I didn't realize it but he was really in love with me for a long time and just did not know how to vocalize it. He had problems with other relationships in the past and wanted to make sure he could trust me before he committed to me. Now I don't know what to do. I realize that he loves me now, most of all because he has chosen to stay with me after this horrible thing I have done.

 

So, I guess what I am asking is, how can I make this better? I want so badly to let him know that I am so sorry and that I will never act so selfishly again. I am not the kind of person who does this to a person they love. I don't know how to express that to J.

 

So far, (obviously) I have completely severed ties with the person I cheated with. I am no longer going to bars or spending time with male friends alone. I try to check in quite often (he says he likes it, that it does not annoy him). And generally, I am trying to be a good woman and take care of him in the way that he deserves. It doesn't seem to be helping all that much though. I don't know what to do. He is visiting me here now (though he spends quite a lot of time with friends), but he will be going back in two weeks. I think he is still planning to move here when he is done with school (in five months).

 

I want to do the right thing for him. But I don't know what that is. I have been cheated on before several times (different guy) and I know how painful it is, but I don't know what to do except for be there for him when he wants me. He is a wonderful man and he deserves to be happy. It is so hard sometimes though. I am a very proud person, and it really hurts me to be called names and to feel this constant anger from the person I love. I feel like I lost my dignity when I cheated. I know how selfish this sounds, but I just want to make this right. How can I do that? Thank you.

[Saville]

Do you not think that you may have cheated on your F, because deep down you really don't wish to get married? You got it out in the open, which is good, but perhaps your new found feelings for him are due to him gushing out his. I wouldn't just beat yourself up about what you did, because that is no way to get to the bottom of how you really feel. You are thinking of what his family will think of you, and that is a very poor reason upon which to base a marriage. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks except for you and him. I'm sure he can get over your indiscretion, but it will change the dynamic of your relationship for sure. You have diminished him as a man, and even if you have a marriage with this man, you may find that he has lost his balls. Fifteen years down the road it might be him cheating, realizing that once upon a time, he forsook a part of his manhood. I'm not judging you, and I don't think you are a horrible person. You aren't married yet, and before you do, you should make very sure that your "one-off" wasn't based on the fact that you really don't want to get married to the man you are engaged to. There is no law that says you have to marry him just over hurt feelings.

 

Saville

[atwitsend]

Have you ever pulled a nail from a piece of wood. You can get the nail out but it will always have a hole. There are two issues. The first is how to make him feel better. The second is how will he ever be able to trust you again. First thing is you don't accept responsibility very well. You said:

 

"I was just at my friend's house, and he just started telling me all this stuff about how he felt and how I shouldn't get married and then it just happened. It was just this blur and it all happened so fast.:

 

That is as good and explanation as saying it was an accident. This hurts much more then telling him you made a horrible mistake in judgment.

 

You wrote:

 

 

I want to do the right thing for him. But I don't know what that is. I have been cheated on before several times (different guy) and I know how painful it is, but I don't know what to do except for be there for him when he wants me. He is a wonderful man and he deserves to be happy. It is so hard sometimes though. I am a very proud person, and it really hurts me to be called names and to feel this constant anger from the person I love. I feel like I lost my dignity when I cheated. I know how selfish this sounds, but I just want to make this right. How can I do that? Thank you.

 

His anger shows the depth of his love and his pain. It will take a long time for him to look at you the way he did before. But it can happen. As I have said before you have to become a student of his face and his demeanor. He will be depressed at times over this. When you see that look on his face you need to go to him, look him in the face and tell him how wrong you were and for betraying his love. Can you please forgive me (don't say you're sorry. That's you taking control. Asking for his forgiveness gives him the power), and that you love him more then anything. And be ready for tears. You might wonder how long you will have to do this........ Until the pain goes away. Months possibly a couple of years. If you're not up to it. Let him go now. To be completely truthful with you. I would advise him not to marry you. His family will probably have a problem with you from now on. You will never be fully trusted by them, ever. But if he really loves you and you really love him you can get through this. In closing I would say one more thing. Never, and I mean never say to him that you are not the type of girl to cheat (because you are). Just don't bring it up. It will set him back to the beginning and you will literally have to start over again. And never trivialize what you've done by saying "It just happened". You must always accept full and total responsibility for what you have done. Once you can do that. He will be able to focus on forgiveness. Remember you can't forgive someone if they don't accept responsibility for what they have done.

 

There will be what is called "triggers". It could be a song. Or a movie. Or someone else cheating. But when it happens you need to reinforce your sorrow.

 

In your story you wrote a lot of crap about him being this way and that why you...... Drop that right away. Never blame him. He can't help it if he is not expressive. This was all on you. Unless of course you don't want him to heal. Good luck.

[lkjh]

I can't disagree with saville anymore. I doubt you would stay with someone for so long if you didn't love him. Also I think it is a good thing that you are ashamed about what you did and that you are worried about what his family thinks. These people have been apart of your life for years and now you have let them down. This is called family shame and many cultures value that way above themselves. Family shame is the center of Middle Easterns and many Asian cultures. Hints why they have lower divorce rates. I honestly think cheating is just a sign of lower morals even if a person claims to be a highly moral individual. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I hate when people use excuses like there is some root cause of cheating. Yes there may be problems but how you handle them determines the type of person you are. If you are worried about getting married you should have handled it different; not CHEAT. Makiing excuse seems too much like a form of justification.

 

With that said I think your real problem is a case of the ole finally getting what you want. For so long you have been chasing him and now this has changed. You got comfortable and you acted very poorly. Things will never go back to the same and he will most likely always hold resetment towards you but with time you to can repair some of the damage that YOU caused. Make sure you always accept the blame for this. Do not become that person that blames your spouse.

[Saville]

I can't disagree with saville anymore. I

 

If I could follow your logic I might disagree with you, too. She is not marrying her F family, and so any feeling of regard she has about them should not be the basis of whether she gets married, or not. As to Middle-Eastern and Asian cultures, I would not hold them up as the hallmark of all that is good in marriage. Simply stated, there is less divorce in some of those societies due the shocking repression of women.

 

Saville

[Bryanp]

It seems so strange that you would cheat on him one week after he asked you to marry him. I do not think you should marry him. I think deep down you have many issues why you are afraid to marry him. I am sorry but I do not buy it that it happened so fast it was just an accident. You need to own up to what you did. You made a deliberate choice to cheat on him. Were you drugged? If not then you made a choice to cheat so please do not pretend you did not know what was happening. I am assuming you had sexual intercourse. If this is correct then you absolutely need to get tested for STD's at once.

 

It is very positive that you told your boyfriend immediately. You have a lot of deep down hostility toward your boyfriend because of his lack of committment in the past. The fact that you would cheat on him one week after he asked you to marry him and you said yes tells me you should not marry him at this time. You need to be honest with yourself. If the roles were reversed and he cheated with you with another woman a week after he proposed to you, would you still want to marry him? In addition, if he said he was with this woman in her apartment and she said nice things to him and everything happened so fast that he had sex with her and it just all was a blurr then how would you feel? Would you believe he had no idea what was happening? I seriously doubt it. Do yourself and do your boyfriend a big favor and do not marry him right now. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speaks volumes. I wish you luck.

[lkjh]

Actually I was talking about Middle Eastern s and Asians in the western world who have lower divorce rates, infidelity rates, and higher yearly incomes then other groups including white Caucasians. The logic is pretty clear; its pefectly ok to be ashamed of yourself for letting down all of these people and yes you do marry the family not just the spouse. If you hated someones family would you still marry him? Your idea of only worrying about yourself is why we the people in the western world have the highest divorce and infidelity rates. This ideolgy is why the family structure in America, England, and some other western countries is slowely dieing.

 

Saville, in the future I will try to keep it simple so you can follow.

[Dexter Morgan]

I cheated on my fiance last month, only a week after he asked me to marry him.

 

guess his proposal was less than stellar and it meant absolutely nothing to you

 

 

For three and a half years, we have been together (in a sense) but for over three years, he was unwilling to make a commitment to be my boyfriend or say he loves me or any other outward sign of caring.

 

well looks like you confirmed why he was probably hesitant in the first place. He lowered his guard, took a chance, and you crapped on it.

 

I wouldn't blame him for moving on and never making a committment again.

 

 

I have been in love with him for a very long time and have wanted to be with him and only him for all of that time. J is a wonderful, talented and loyal man who has always made me very happy, except for the fact that he refused to say he loves me or commit to me.

 

Looking for justifications here are you? He was loyal to you, as you said, some people don't rush into giving their heart out completely and are understandably gunshy.

 

About a week after we were engaged, after I had told my family and his family about our engagement, I cheated on him. I don't know how I could have let it happen

 

You didn't "let it happen". You did it out of your own free will and desire.

 

 

After I told J, he was soooooo angry and I thought we would break up, because he has always said that if I ever cheated on him, he would leave me. But he didn't leave me. He opened up to me about so many things that he has felt in the past and now.

 

Thats because this devestated him. he is in despair. he finally gives his heart and commits his life to someone, and finds this out?

Give him time and he'll hopefully start to think more clearly.

 

 

I didn't realize it but he was really in love with me for a long time and just did not know how to vocalize it. He had problems with other relationships in the past and wanted to make sure he could trust me before he committed to me.

 

I suspected this to be the case. Well he made sure he could trust you, then BAM!! So now its evident that he can't trust you, but won't man up to break up out of despair and being in a fog right now.

 

 

Now I don't know what to do. I realize that he loves me now, most of all because he has chosen to stay with me after this horrible thing I have done.

 

You break off the engagement. Do you really want to be with someone that you know will look at you from time to time and think about what you did to him? I sure couldn't live with myself of face someone that I had betrayed in one of the worst ways.

 

 

So, I guess what I am asking is, how can I make this better? I want so badly to let him know that I am so sorry and that I will never act so selfishly again. I am not the kind of person who does this to a person they love.

 

but apparantly you are.

 

 

I don't know how to express that to J.

 

So far, (obviously) I have completely severed ties with the person I cheated with. I am no longer going to bars or spending time with male friends alone.

 

Uh huh. And how long do you think that will last before you think you will feel entitled to spend time alone with male friends at bars once your relationship with J gets comfortable?

 

You wanna make it right? Then going out with male friends alone should be over indefinitely.

 

 

I try to check in quite often (he says he likes it, that it does not annoy him). And generally, I am trying to be a good woman and take care of him in the way that he deserves. It doesn't seem to be helping all that much though.

 

A scar as such that you left him with won't stop hurting for a LONG time.

 

If he is to get over this, it may take years. But I guarantee you, he isn't ever going to forget what you did and there will always be some sort of suspicion in the back of his mind about what you are doing when you are not with him.

 

 

He is a wonderful man and he deserves to be happy.

 

Well you know what they say, "if you love someone, let them go". If nothing you are doing helps, you are going to have to do just that.

 

 

It is so hard sometimes though. I am a very proud person, and it really hurts me to be called names and to feel this constant anger from the person I love.

 

He calls you names? Then I say break up with him and let him go. Not because he is calling you names, because sorry to say, you probably deserve a few of them within reason, but because if he is that devestated to call you name while for some reason being so desperate to hold on to you, then it isn't good for him.

 

So let him go.

[Ayemtee]

Let that guy go man. He doesn't deserve the way you've treated him. Why should he not call you names? You've taken his trust, respect, and his heart - and **** on it. You said you're a proud person? Do you know wtf you've done to your SO does to their pride? Forget your pride, stop thinking about yourself. You've made him swallow his, **** it out, then throw up on it, and swallow it again. Leave this guy alone, he doesn't deserve something like you in his life.

[lkjh]

I agree with Ayemtee and Dexter,

You crapped on him and embarrassed him in front of his family and now you have to realize you deserve to be called names.

[atwitsend]

I hope you understand that there are a lot of hurting people here. Your infidelity reminds them of what happened to them and the feelings they went through. You think you love him now because of what you did (sense of loss). You may be just as unsure deep down as before you cheated on him. There is no way you could convince anyone of your undying love for him and the screw your friend a week later. You finally get what you want from him and then avenge yourself on him because he didn't work your time table, Get into counseling. If he can get over this he must really love you. But don't expect him to trust you.....ever.

[Saville]

Actually I was talking about Middle Eastern s and Asians in the western world who have lower divorce rates, infidelity rates, and higher yearly incomes then other groups including white Caucasians. The logic is pretty clear; its pefectly ok to be ashamed of yourself for letting down all of these people and yes you do marry the family not just the spouse. If you hated someones family would you still marry him? Your idea of only worrying about yourself is why we the people in the western world have the highest divorce and infidelity rates. This ideolgy is why the family structure in America, England, and some other western countries is slowely dieing.

Yes, and if you read some of the posts here from people from those backgrounds you will see how they struggle. The second generation, and sometime the third, have difficulty breaking away from the old world way of the parents. It is not at all uncommon for the parents to threaten disinheriting their children for even thinking of marrying outside of whatever nationality they came from. Some of the more extreme countries of the Middle East/Africa/Asia declitorize women, or think that "honour killings" are a fine way to deal with a disobedient daughter-in-law. I still respectfully disagree that a person marries the family; how does that make sense? One marries into a family and hopes like hell that they aren't as dysfunctional as one's own. People cheat and divorce because they are unhappy. Our Western world, if it is dying, is doing so because we have become increasingly disenfranchised from our inner-selves and so we express that disconnect in a myriad of ways. It doesn't mean these expression are good, but it portends to deeper problems in society. A man and woman may stay together for a hundred years, but if they look only to Walmart as their church then what will they have gained?

 

Yes, please keep it simplistic, I prefer that best of all, oh Sam I am.

 

Saville

[EmperorR]

I doubt he wants to be with you, hes just scared of losing soemone so close to him etc for the past 3 years. I know how it is my ex fiance cheated on me and I forgave her on the spot shed my soul and wanted her back. She rejected me, and it took me awhile but I saw it was for the best because I could never fully trust her again.

[Dexter Morgan]

I doubt he wants to be with you, hes just scared of losing soemone so close to him etc for the past 3 years.

 

I would say he wants to be with her, which is why he proposed. But I'd guess he doesn't want to be with her now that she cheated, but is putting on like he does because he is scared, unsure, and he just got dealt a blow after taking a chance and opening up.

 

He kept his feelings in check all this time, and when he finally opened up, she reminded him why he kept his feelings in check.

 

If he didn't have a huge wall up before, boy, he sure will now. And nobody can blame him.

[lkjh]

To the OP, all I can tell you is stay honest and see if he can forgive you. Also remember if yo are feeling guilt towards people there is a reason for that. Guilt is one of our internal mechnisms that guides us. Some people may tell you to ignor this but they are wrong. Apoligize to everyone and hope they can get over it. If they can not then your only option is to break it off and accept blame.

 

Saville, actually the families I was talking about were the ones I have seen and studied myself. You can also do your own research and you will see people that practice family shame are overall better off then the rest of us. If you want to use a few extremist as your example, then you should look at our own society. We have plenty of wife beaters and brutal domestic violence csaes right here at home. Up until the later 1990's several states still had the Rule of Thumb which states you can beat your wife with a stick as long as its not bigger then your thumb. Just look at today's headlines; man kills nine family members while dressed as santa, man charged with murdering his children by making them walk 10 miles in the freezing cold, ans older male killed his wife. The cases you see on LS do not reflect society; they reflect indivduals seeking help.

[norajane]

I lost track of who said what once the Middle Eastern families discussion began...

 

But I agree with whoever said that you probably have some buried hostility and resentment toward your bf for being so emotionally withholding all those years. Added to that, even his proposal didn't bring out a display of emotion from him, combined with him not even wanting a ceremony. He wouldn't say a word about loving you until you left and he got scared of you moving on without him, and then he still wouldn't open up to you until you actually cheated on him. Men who are tight-fisted with their emotions are difficult to know, and not getting much validation or emotion from him even after a proposal could make his proposal seem hollow.

 

If he only shows you he loves you when you're halfway out the door, it's difficult to feel secure and fulfilled in the relationship. New guy came along and told you all the stuff you had wanted to hear from your bf for years and years and it turned your head. Voila, cheating.

 

I also agree that maybe you shouldn't be marrying this guy. Before, he was non-commital and cold, until you moved away. Despite his proposal, he didn't open up to you until you cheated. Now, he's angry and calling you names. Even if he does get over you cheating on him, are you really willing to sign up for a lifetime with someone who cannot express his feelings unless his back is to the wall? To me, it sounds like you would want and need a man who is more open and affectionate with you on a regular bais, so you don't have to wonder how he really feels about you all the time and so you don't build up more resentment when he fails to communicate his feelings.

 

If you're determined to be with him, atwitsend gave you some good advice on how to go about reassuring him. It will be a long road, but time and proving yourself trustworthy again and again are the only things that will rebuild his trust in you.

 

The question is, will that be enough fro you? Because he's not suddenly going to become a warm, affectionate man with you even after forgiving you. It seems it's his nature to be emotionally withdrawn and unavailable even when things are actually good between you, and he only becomes expressive when things are bad between you. That may not be a good foundation for a marriage if you need more expression of emotion and open communication from your man.

[Saville]

You castrated your man. Does it sound like I'm judging you? Well, I'm not. I actually think you had reason, just like Norajane articulately outlined to you. It's OK to have made love with this man, don't kill yourself over it. It was what you wanted and you made a choice to feel some joy. You've punished yourself sufficiently, and you've also dealt your F a blow. Having experienced this first hand when my F cheated on me, I think I have some insight. In my case, I was never anything but warm, but still, I understood that she wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it. It was my decision to take her back, BUT it changed things. It began, for me, a pattern of always excusing poor behaviour on her part. She got away with the ultimate, so the other stuff maybe didn't seem like such a biggie. Over time the emasculation continued, but in less definable ways. Perhaps this showed a lack of character in myself. However, if your F marries you just remember that the proposal was not that big of a deal to you, or else you would have never, not in a million years, ever considered having sex with the other man. So, you're cool at this point. You did what you did, you own it, and now it is up to you to choose wisely. I think it would be fair to your F if you let him go. Let him find the love of his life, because that really isn't you. Ultimately, no harm done.

 

Hey, lkjh. I just can't agree with you, but that's fine.

 

You can also do your own research and you will see people that practice family shame are overall better off then the rest of us.

Really, should we all can into the shame game? I don't want to, but knock yourself out.

 

If you want to use a few extremist as your example, then you should look at our own society. We have plenty of wife beaters and brutal domestic violence csaes right here at home. Up until the later 1990's several states still had the Rule of Thumb which states you can beat your wife with a stick as long as its not bigger then your thumb.

I guess the guys who had big thumbs had a lot more fun. But, I guess it would teach them uppity women from just thinking that they could get away from the abuse of their man and his "caring" family.

 

Just look at today's headlines; man kills nine family members while dressed as santa, man charged with murdering his children by making them walk 10 miles in the freezing cold, ans older male killed his wife.

Disregarding this as a non-sequitur.

 

The cases you see on LS do not reflect society; they reflect individuals seeking help.

 

Apparently individuals that need to feel a lot of shame, dagnabit. Oh, but didn't you just say cheating and divorce was why we were experiencing a demise of our Western society?

 

Rhetorically yours,

Saville

[kashmir]

I lost track of who said what once the Middle Eastern families discussion began...

 

But I agree with whoever said that you probably have some buried hostility and resentment toward your bf for being so emotionally withholding all those years. Added to that, even his proposal didn't bring out a display of emotion from him, combined with him not even wanting a ceremony. He wouldn't say a word about loving you until you left and he got scared of you moving on without him, and then he still wouldn't open up to you until you actually cheated on him. Men who are tight-fisted with their emotions are difficult to know, and not getting much validation or emotion from him even after a proposal could make his proposal seem hollow.

 

If he only shows you he loves you when you're halfway out the door, it's difficult to feel secure and fulfilled in the relationship. New guy came along and told you all the stuff you had wanted to hear from your bf for years and years and it turned your head. Voila, cheating.

 

I also agree that maybe you shouldn't be marrying this guy. Before, he was non-commital and cold, until you moved away. Despite his proposal, he didn't open up to you until you cheated. Now, he's angry and calling you names. Even if he does get over you cheating on him, are you really willing to sign up for a lifetime with someone who cannot express his feelings unless his back is to the wall? To me, it sounds like you would want and need a man who is more open and affectionate with you on a regular bais, so you don't have to wonder how he really feels about you all the time and so you don't build up more resentment when he fails to communicate his feelings.

 

If you're determined to be with him, atwitsend gave you some good advice on how to go about reassuring him. It will be a long road, but time and proving yourself trustworthy again and again are the only things that will rebuild his trust in you.

 

The question is, will that be enough fro you? Because he's not suddenly going to become a warm, affectionate man with you even after forgiving you. It seems it's his nature to be emotionally withdrawn and unavailable even when things are actually good between you, and he only becomes expressive when things are bad between you. That may not be a good foundation for a marriage if you need more expression of emotion and open communication from your man.

 

I find it funny and disturbing how so many times I read threads where the woman cheated on the guy and then women on LS try to justify her actions. They turn it into a question of, "Is he really good enough for you?" or "Is he really fulfilling YOUR needs?" That's just so crazy to me, that anyone would even be considering HER needs after a thing like this, and trying to make it out to be the guy's fault for not catering to all her needs. What about the need to trust your lover? What about the need to be treated like a decent human being and not be **** all over?

 

The OP broke this guy so hard. I agree with Dexter...I wouldn't be surprised if this guy never proposed again. He finally opens up and a week later she completely betrays him? Poor dude...

[norajane]

I find it funny and disturbing how so many times I read threads where the woman cheated on the guy and then women on LS try to justify her actions. They turn it into a question of, "Is he really good enough for you?" or "Is he really fulfilling YOUR needs?" That's just so crazy to me, that anyone would even be considering HER needs after a thing like this, and trying to make it out to be the guy's fault for not catering to all her needs. What about the need to trust your lover? What about the need to be treated like a decent human being and not be **** all over?

 

The OP broke this guy so hard. I agree with Dexter...I wouldn't be surprised if this guy never proposed again. He finally opens up and a week later she completely betrays him? Poor dude...

 

I wasn't trying to justify her cheating. There is no excuse for that.

 

But, she confessed to her fiance, and he still wants to marry her and, apparently, she still wants to marry him. Now, she's all full steam ahead and how do I hurry up the forgiveness process.

 

So I wanted to help her see there may be deeper problems here in their relationship dynamic - and that her cheating is a big sign of that, not just some temporary aberration - so she shouldn't be so quick to seek forgiveness and dive into marriage.

 

I thought that approach might work a little better than just spitting on her and telling her that she doesn't deserve him.

 

By considering her needs, it's also considering HIS needs and whether the two of them are compatible. HE doesn't need to be married to someone who is never going to be happy with who he is at his core and how he expresses himself, does he?

[kashmir]

Alright, I see.

 

I just don't understand guys who are in this situation. Why the hell would he still want to marry her? 3 years is a long time, but still, it baffles me. When one person cheats, I think the relationship is doomed. My friend was in a similar situation where his girlfriend cheated on him and he took her back. Now she treats him like ****, because if he had any self-respect he would have dumped her. Since she could get away with cheating on him, she knows she can get away with ANYTHING. The only way for the guy to let her that she can't get away with it is to completely dump her. Thus, you either have a relationship where one person has all the power or no relationship at all.

[0000008881290000000]

Thank you to everyone who posted here. I appreciate your advice and insight on this very personal situation.

 

On my behavior and actions, I think all of the posters here are correct. I acted selfishly and purposefully. I reread my original post and much of it was excuses, justifications and otherwise irrelevant background information for immoral and deceitful behavior. I acknowledge that my cheating was a conscious choice and that I will have to live with the consequences of that choice, no matter what they may be. I also acknowledge that what I have done has much to do with my (lack of) moral character and while it isn't very meaningful to discuss it in this way, I am trying to do the right thing.

 

On J, while he is deeply, deeply betrayed by what I have done, I have not "castrated" him. J has unshakeable self-respect and personal strength. He does not want to marry me and has said so emphatically. His choice not to end our relationship completely is not motivated by fear or despair, as some have suggested, but by a genuine hope for forgiveness and reconciliation. J knows himself, and I have no doubt that he will leave if he feels that the relationship cannot work. He absolutely did not deserve this betrayal and my only intention right now is to do whatever I can to alleviate his pain and in turn, I hope, forgive myself.

 

I understand your anger and Thank you all again.

[atwitsend]

You need to give that mia culpa to him every time he looks like he is remembering the incident. I am sorry that he no longer wants to marry you. As this was your hope and dream. I hope you can do the work and reconcile. If not your love, then your friendship.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wasn't trying to justify her cheating. There is no excuse for that.

 

But, she confessed to her fiance, and he still wants to marry her and, apparently, she still wants to marry him.

 

If she wanted to marry him, why did she boff another guy?

 

And he just took a big chance and took the plunge to ask her to marry him. She then screws him over. He is desperate. He may start to think more clearly once the shock of this has passed.

[Dexter Morgan]

On J, while he is deeply, deeply betrayed by what I have done, I have not "castrated" him.

 

Sorry, but yes, you have. He may shake this and he will recover. But if you think that he won't think about what you did from time to time and feel like total crap inside, whether he shows it or not, you are fooling yourself.

[You'reasian]

Honestly I think her intentions were to never marry J and she is probably comfortable being happy on her own. As far as cheating is concerned, I think J was smart to hold off as this probably wasn't his first rodeo.

 

Suffering builds perserverance, perserverance builds strength and strength builds character, right? (sorry too lazy to check the actual reference) If J can wait 3 1/2 years to be with you, then I'm certain he's got character strength.

 

How to get over this?

 

Hmmm. Let J decide if he wants to continue being with you. Show him somehow that you are willing to be the woman that you need to be with J. It might take a while?