hotdancer2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we are planning to move in together in six months. We love each other very much and are close friends and lovers. It's going well as bf/gf but we have different religious and spiritual beliefs which is becoming more of an issue as we near closer to marriage. I met another guy (seems perfect in all ways..kind, intelligent, successful, fun, handsome, etc. and importantly, same religion) and we hit it off and he asked me out. I said yes but that I'm busy for the next couple weeks...to give me time to think about how I want to handle this! I don't want to break up with my boyfriend yet but I want to keep my options open. What do I do? (In the past I have dated guys behind my bf's back and not told either party the truth, which was extremely awkward. In my book, that's not cheating since I never kissed or touched them...but still slimy.) Link to post Share on other sites
sweetgirl99 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 you say that you are in a committed relationship with your boyfriend and are planning to move in with him soon? You also state that you are close to the point of marriage? Im wondering why you would ever consider dating someone behind his back? This IS considered cheating, even if you are not physical with the other person. Would you consider it cheating if your boyfriend was seeing girls behind your back? Put yourself in his shoes. Its lying and deceitful. If you are unhappy with your relationship, you should not move in together. That is only going to result in a mess when you get caught cheating on him. I think that the respectful thing to do is to talk to your boyfriend about any concerns you may have in the relationship. Its always best to be upfront and honest, especially if you are as close as you say that you are.. Link to post Share on other sites
Konfuzion Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Do your boy friend a favor and break up with him and never talk to him again. Link to post Share on other sites
replicator Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Wow. It is very slimy. If you don't see yourself with this guy (which you obviously don't), then end it and set him free. It's unfair what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalydistraugt Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Is this a serious post or are you just trying to rile some people up. Going on dates with other men is cheating. Is this honestly worth ruining something that could be premenant? But apparently that doesn't matter because you've gone on dates with others in the past. Break up with your current boyfriend and allow him the oppurtunity to find someone who wont treat him like crap. Slimy isn't the word to describe how low that is. Wow Link to post Share on other sites
TwilightSky Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 You know, cheating is bad, but forgiveable if the person is TRULY remorseful for what they did. You aren't at all. And you should break up with the bf for his sake, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we are planning to move in together in six months. We love each other very much and are close friends and lovers. It's going well as bf/gf but we have different religious and spiritual beliefs which is becoming more of an issue as we near closer to marriage. I met another guy (seems perfect in all ways..kind, intelligent, successful, fun, handsome, etc. and importantly, same religion) and we hit it off and he asked me out. I said yes but that I'm busy for the next couple weeks...to give me time to think about how I want to handle this! I don't want to break up with my boyfriend yet but I want to keep my options open. What do I do? (In the past I have dated guys behind my bf's back and not told either party the truth, which was extremely awkward. In my book, that's not cheating since I never kissed or touched them...but still slimy.) Would you be ok if one of the guys dated another girl, but never kissed or touched them while you 'took your time' to figure out what exactly you wanted? What if one of them was banging another girl? Seeing that you're not loyal to either, would that be an issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 ......we are planning to move in together in six months. We love each other very much and are close friends and lovers. THis above quotation completely contradicts this - I don't want to break up with my boyfriend yet but I want to keep my options open. Ah, true love! What do I do? You stop acting like a jerk (yes, ladies can be jerks too) and you become a little more mature. What you're doing is playing the field, because your BF obviously doesn't have what it takes to hold you. I doubt any guy does, because you're a flitter and a player. (In the past I have dated guys behind my bf's back and not told either party the truth, which was extremely awkward. In my book, that's not cheating since I never kissed or touched them...but still slimy.) You must be reading a different book to all of us then. One you probably wrote, with a circulation of...... one. Get off the cloud and hit reality, and fast! Do your BF the biggest favour of his life, come clean, and leave. Then go play the field to your heart's content and enjoy screwing around. No reason why you shouldn't. you just shouldn't do it, if it involves lying, cheating, betrayal and deceit. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Break up with your boyfriend. He derserves someone a hell of a lot better than you. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we are planning to move in together in six months. We love each other very much and are close friends and lovers. It's going well as bf/gf but we have different religious and spiritual beliefs which is becoming more of an issue as we near closer to marriage. I met another guy (seems perfect in all ways..kind, intelligent, successful, fun, handsome, etc. and importantly, same religion) and we hit it off and he asked me out. I said yes but that I'm busy for the next couple weeks...to give me time to think about how I want to handle this! I don't want to break up with my boyfriend yet but I want to keep my options open. What do I do? (In the past I have dated guys behind my bf's back and not told either party the truth, which was extremely awkward. In my book, that's not cheating since I never kissed or touched them...but still slimy.) If you're going on dates (even if not technically cheating) you're obviously not ready to settle down and commit. Not saying this as an attack on you but trying to help you realize where your heart is. I say do not move in with your bf. The restless urges to date new people will only get worse, and you will eventually resent your bf for being the reason you have to give up on other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Wow, you guys are so hard on me. I'm really not a cold person! And yes, this is a serious post. I care about my boyfriend a lot. I also enjoy his company a lot. In the long run, I'll be much happier with him than I would be "playing the field". Playing the field gets lonely after a couple months. I mean, I do want to get married and have kids one day. Everyone who posted seems to think I should break up with my boyfriend...except for one who thinks I should talk to him. If I were to talk to him and try to make our relationship work, what would I say??? And isn't there another option? Couldn't I just ignore my desires to date other men and stay with my boyfriend? Stop dating other guys starting now? Fresh start for the new year? So what if I'm restless and have erotic fantasies about other guys? Can't my restlessness manifest itself in arenas other than dating? Why is that option so terrible? Will I blow up from repressed feelings or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 And isn't there another option? Why didn't you consider this before being unfaithful? Couldn't I just ignore my desires to date other men and stay with my boyfriend? Why didn't you consider this before being unfaithful? Stop dating other guys starting now? Why didn't you consider this before being unfaithful? Fresh start for the new year? Why didn't you consider this before being unfaithful? Are you getting the point now? So what if I'm restless and have erotic fantasies about other guys? fantasies are different to actually f***ing them.... Can't my restlessness manifest itself in arenas other than dating? I don't know, you tell us. Can they? And why haven't they already done so? Why is that option so terrible? Will I blow up from repressed feelings or something? Try it just for once. Maybe you just don't have it in you to be in a relationship that requires exclusive commitment. But if you're not, you should confess it. He has a right to make his choices, exactly as you've been making yours. With all options visible. Oh and - own your actions. Take responsibility. Understand that lying and cheating on someone who is under the innocent and trusting impression that you are faithful, are not admirable qualities. You screw around, you screw up. Face it, own it, admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Ok, yes I get it. I shouldn't have dated the other guys or said yes to this new guy. At the time I really didn't think of it as cheating because, like I said, I thought that it was only cheating if it got physical. Now I realize that intention matters too; if the intention is to lead guys on when I have a boyfriend, then that is wrong. It was also wrong of me to lie and say I didn't have a boyfriend, and to not tell my boyfriend what was going on. To clarify, I'm still low on the cheating scale. Once I was eating alone at a restaurant and met a guy who was also eating alone and we went for a walk after dinner. Never talked to him again. Second time I met a guy, who was much older than me and unattractive, and hung out with him once again because he was giving me interesting career advice. I also never talked to him again. Third time, most recently, I said yes to this cute guy but have not gone out with him yet and still have the option to avoid him for the rest of my life. (I fantasize about him a lot though.) Relatively small crimes, right? But yes, it is good that I'm catching my habit now so it doesn't start getting worse (repeatedly seeing same guy, physical stuff, etc.). Still not sure how to proceed and would love to hear more opinions, including those who don't think I should break up with my bf.... Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Staying with him or splitting up is ultimately your decision. What you need to do is sit down and do some hard thinking about which choice you want to make. What is more important to you (and you only get to choose one):a) being with your current boyfriend or b) being able to date? Once you decide which way you want to go, you have to cut the other one off...completely. How would you feel if your boyfriend came home one night and told you that he met this really cool chick and took her out for dinner and dancing, but didn't kiss or sleep with her? You'd probably be hurt. I haven't met a woman yet who would have been fine with her boyfriend doing that (well, there was one, but she would've been mad that I didn't bring the chick home to share. But she's another story...). Guess what? Guys are the same way. In my experience, guys are more likely to reserve emotional intimacy until they're sure they're in love, while girls tend to reserve physical intimacy until they're sure. We don't always show it ("never let 'em see you bleed"), but more often than not, an emotional betrayal is worse to a guy than a physical one. As much as either would make us cringe, we'd probably rather hear that you got drunk at a party and gave some stranger a blowjob than find out that you went out on a date with a guy and had a great time, but didn't kiss him. One can be written off as a one-time indiscretion; the other was a conscious and deliberate act. And yes, it does hurt. The alternate is to talk to your boyfriend about the possibility of an 'open' relation. You two are still a couple, but you essentially get to casually date anyone else you want. The problem is that no sane person on earth would consent to a 'no contact' clause in a situation like that. Realistically, do you think you could come home to find him playing "bury the sausage" with a 19-year old co-ed, and not have a problem with it? It may be an extreme example, but it is a possibility. Also, how would you feel if your friends told you they saw him at the bar that night, with his hands all over that same co-ed? After all, he's going to go to the places he likes, which are probably the ones the two of you go to now. Sooner or later, your friends will see. Can you handle that? It's something you have to consider before opening that Pandora's box. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the posts. Geez, this is an impossible decision! I talked to my boyfriend for a long time yesterday about my feelings. It was nice that we were able to discuss it calmly. We both agree that we love each other very much, and we also both agree that our difference in values/religion is a big issue. I showed him the profile of the guy I'm crushing on and he agreed he would be a better fit for me. He isn't comfortable with an open relationship (I don't think I would be either) and doesn't want to be friends after break up so the options are A) continue the relationship or B) completely end it and never see him again. For the record, he is also my best friend so leaving him would be a huge loss. He made it clear that he does want to be long term with me despite his doubts, so the ball is in my court. I have very little dating experience before him, so it is difficult for me to say what to do! Basically the question is: is love enough or do two people need to have the same values also? Can someone who is older with more experience help me here? To clarify, basically the issues are threefold in order of importance from lowest to highest: 1) He is ten years older, so I can't be my youthful silly self around him 2) He is of a different religion 3) He is an existentialist and has no belief in God or spirituality (I do believe in God) But seriously, the love that we have for each other is HUGE and we get along extremely well. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the posts. Geez, this is an impossible decision! .......is love enough or do two people need to have the same values also? Can someone who is older with more experience help me here? Well, I'm 52, but that doesn't necessarily make me wiser. I guess though, I've been round the block a few more times than you. So here goes: in order of importance from lowest to highest:Hmmmm..parameters and life, both change. This may be the order for now, but possibilities and circumstances are bound to change. watch this: 1) He is ten years older, so I can't be my youthful silly self around him Not only that, but in time (like when you're 60 and he's 70), you'll be younger enough than him, to become his carer. You'll still ahve quite a bit of liveliness in you. he might start slowing down. My parents are 11 years apart, with my mother the younger. This has come to pass with them. Do you want to look forward to being his main carer? 2) He is of a different religion 3) He is an existentialist and has no belief in God or spirituality (I do believe in God) These go together, really..... Providing you can live with this difference, without you demanding he find some belief, or his demanding and arguing it with you, that's not the problem. The problem might arise when you decide to raise your children.... Pre-baptised and placed into a religion, or wait until they're older to make their minds up? But seriously, the love that we have for each other is HUGE and we get along extremely well. Thanks! Sometimes, that ain't enough. There have to be other parallels. Not the least of which is - do you honestly, truly and sincerely believe, hand on heart, that you can be completely faithful to him and only him, if you stay with him? That is your one and only question, really. The others are obstacles. But this one's the deal-breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 If you're in your 20's, in my opinion, if you move in with him you will end up cheating on him. Just the fact that you say this is an "impossible decision" tells me that if you move in with him, it will end badly. You said even he has doubts. It shouldn't be an impossible decision to choose between moving in with your best friend and love of your life and dating. And he shouldn't have doubts. Anyway, you said it wasn't even on the table for another 6 months right? I think by then you will have this figured out. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I don't think you should move in with someone that you feel so unsure about. Link to post Share on other sites
RichGuy Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Hotdancer, I'm totally on your side, everybody else is so judgemental. You're a serial monogamist with a new opportunity to trade up. Go for it! By the way, how much for a private dance? Distance is no problem, I'll cover all expenses. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 esistono solo due modi per tornare dalla battaglia... con la testa del nemico o senza la propria! E per quello che ho scelto la mia firma..... Sorry everyone. OT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Wow, good post from 52 yr old Geish. You are right that the big question is if I can remain faithful, and be happy being faithful, in the long run. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. BTW, what's up with the Spanish? I don't know Spanish so I have no idea what you wrote. Still hoping to hear from a few more older and wiser folks to get different perspectives... Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Wow, good post from 52 yr old Geish. You are right that the big question is if I can remain faithful, and be happy being faithful, in the long run. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. BTW, what's up with the Spanish? I don't know Spanish so I have no idea what you wrote. Still hoping to hear from a few more older and wiser folks to get different perspectives... Its Italian. If you've never really dated and you're in your 20's, your eyes and your heart will wonder - move on. If you were in your 30's I'd say stay with the guy with the different religion if you really love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 E per quello che ho scelto la mia firma..... Sorry everyone. OT. I don't know Spanish so I have no idea what you wrote. Still hoping to hear from a few more older and wiser folks to get different perspectives... You'reasian is right, it's Italian. The signature I quoted and responded to, says: There are only two ways to return from battle: either with your opponent's head, or missing yours! My response (above) was : "And this is why I chose the signature I have" (about hatred). And I'm sure you'll hear plenty more, but as I said - the bottom line is, do you think you have what it takes? Either yes or no, is fine... but you have to step up to the plate and walk the talk. And if it's no, then at least you're honest. There is nothing anywhere that says you have to be monogamous, have only one life partner and not sleep around. but if that's what you promise someone, then that's your word you've given there. You have to do the honourable thing. But - If you can't keep it, don't give it. Link to post Share on other sites
LostNLonely Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Your trash...your Momma was probably trash...do your boyfriend a favor and leave him, unless he is satan, he deserves better than you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Yay, he is willing to consider an open relationship!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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