My Story

[MotherGooze]

Hmmm...my story is a difficult one. But I'll try and explain it as good as possible

 

I met my ex about a year ago and we fell in love pretty fast. After being friends for a couple of months in may last year we started a relationship. I'll descripe my personal situation at this time:

 

I just got fired from work and was unemployed. I'm a single mom and financially I had a very hard time. Because the fire I was feeling a bit depressed and very inscure, because it was very unexpected.

 

Anyway, at the start of our relationship everything went fantastic. We did what all new couples did, and we connected very well. He was more the my boyfriend he wa smy best friend and that feeling was mutual.

 

During june I decided to go back to school, nursing school. He promised me that he would support me in any way he could and I trusted him. I know it was a bit naive to trust him in that matter at the time, but I was in love and he was so nice for me. So I made arrangements to go back to school in september.

 

During the summer, I got pretty ill. I was tired all the time and the doctor found a problem in my hypothalamus that wasn't working very right. The medication was very expensive and my financial problem got bigger. At that time the first few fights started. I was getting depressed because I couldn't do anything, I didn't have money or the energy for it. He always wanted to help me out financially, but I didn't want that because I'm so used to support myself. I was always nagging about how unhappy I was in that situation. I didn't want to wake up in the mornings, stayed in bed all day and basically did nothing. I was always very grumpy and sometimes I projected my frustrations towards him.

 

In september I still decided to go to school. I thought it would make me feel better about myself, achieving this. But the stress of schoolwork, and housework, the financial issue, and me still being ill was just too much for me. I projected my anger and frustration even harder on my boyfriend allthough he waned to support me.

 

In december he broke off the relationship, because he felt there wasn't anything he could do anymore and that he was unhappy. That's when I totally broke down. I didn't eat anything for two weeks, and I didn't wash myself or change clothes, I didn't come out. But after that I came to the realisation of what I had done. How I was acting, full of seflf pity, and that that wasn't me. I 'm always very cheerful and happy, so where did I lose myself I wondered. It was me who chased him away, with my depression. All those months I was only thinking about me and my problems and I never really thought about how he felt. I decided to take the problems into my own hand. Quit my studies, found a job (two in fact) and went to a therapist.

 

My desease is getting better, financially it's also a lot better, and I can say that my insecurity is fading. I wish I had gotten to know him at an other time, and I'm sure things would have worked out differently. Having so much personal problems since the beginning of our relationship has really damaged it.

 

Anyway, Since two weeks I'm seeing him again. Our first date was very unexpected as one evening he just showed up on my door. We talked about what we had done the past few weeks. The next date we went to the cinema and we had a lot of fun. There has been some hugging involved and I feel that he still has feelings for me, but he stilll is very careful He says he just want to be my 'Buddy' because he has missed me and he things I'm a wonderful person. Being with him is so wonderful, and the way I have been feeling the last couple of weeks is a good thing. Tonight we have another date and I'm very exited about it.

 

What I was wondering though, do you think it would be a good idea to start the relationship again, imo it might be a bit too soon. Not all the wounds have been healed. I hurt him a lot because of my behaviour but I also have been hurt when he left me. For now I'm just trying to see him as a friend though, not pointing anywhere towards a relationship. I don't want to lose him in any case. But with my feelings that's sometimes hard.

[Geishawhelk]

No.

It wouldn't be a good idea.

if it didn't work when things were bad, and only worked when things were good, I don't see much hope of it working if things get bad again.

 

you're neither of you equipped to be in it for the long run.

 

I know you guys are not married, but you know the bit about "for better for worse...."? he obviously couldn't stick the "for worse" bit.

 

The whole subtance of the changes in your personality and temperament were medically based. there was a reason for it.

He still couldn't cope with that or deal with it.

 

So he's great as a "fair-weather friend" but as for a relationship?

 

No.

 

But that's just my perception of the deal.

[MotherGooze]

No.

It wouldn't be a good idea.

if it didn't work when things were bad, and only worked when things were good, I don't see much hope of it working if things get bad again.

 

you're neither of you equipped to be in it for the long run.

 

I know you guys are not married, but you know the bit about "for better for worse...."? he obviously couldn't stick the "for worse" bit.

 

The whole subtance of the changes in your personality and temperament were medically based. there was a reason for it.

He still couldn't cope with that or deal with it.

 

So he's great as a "fair-weather friend" but as for a relationship?

 

No.

 

But that's just my perception of the deal.

 

well i tend to disagree with you

 

All these things happened at the beginning of a relationship. If we were together a lot longer maybe our relationship would have been stronger to cope with it, but we were just a fresh new couple.

[Joyvke]

well i tend to disagree with you

 

All these things happened at the beginning of a relationship. If we were together a lot longer maybe our relationship would have been stronger to cope with it, but we were just a fresh new couple.

 

Try and talk it better, but the fact is, he didn't stuck around. I got very ill in the beginning of my relationship, I've not been the nicest person. I was down and agitated. My boyfriend at the time insisted to sleep over so he could watch over me. He stuck around, and we were only dating for 3 months. THAT's how it's supposed to be if you care, you will take care off your boyfriend/ girlfriend, not run away "oooh, I can't handle it". If they can't then they're just not meant to be...

[xrhannyx]

i wud disagree with anyone sayin no it wouldnt work.....The onli reason..it seems to me that your relationship did stop like u sed yourself is because you chased him away...if u now have help and your not as strained and you have been through those bad time already them my goodness your already further into a well oiled relationship in the sense u have done it all b4...if something bad happened ucud both work together to overcome it because it has happened b4!! No relationship is free of problems,,,and no relationship ever will b!

 

Im with you on this one! he came back he gave you the space you so clearly needed to get back on your feet!!! i think he deserves respect for that AND you are inspiration gettin back up and going! =]

 

id say go for it girl b the best friend and when its right it is right and you CAN make it work!!!

:D

good luck!!

xxx

[MotherGooze]

Well i thought I'd give you all an update. We had a date last night and it was fun. We laughed a lot and there was a lot of talking involved.

 

But during the end of the night we started talking about our relation. He told me that the 'hangover' of the relationship was still very hard on him. He felt guilty for leaving me, but he's scared of commiting once again, because he doesn't want to get hurt by me again. What I have done to him during the time of my depression, was indeed awful. I wasn't respectful towards him and I made him cry and hurt a lot.

 

He also said that he will probably end up alone for the rest of his live or therwise with someone who isn't surperior to me because he could never find someone like me, but he wanted to protect us from getting hurt once more, and he don't want to put my son through all that pain again.

 

I told him that even though I had hope for a new start, it wouldn't have to be now, because some of the wounds need to be healed first. He told me that he didn't want me to have any false hope. He started to cry, I cried...

 

I'm not sure I don't know how to cope with this, and how I should act now. Does this mean my chance is over?

[Frankasy]

Hmmm well you understand where the problem was and know that you made mistakes so that makes you a good person, good job on that.

 

You kept taking your anger out on him, he tried to support you financially but you didn't accept and in the end he didn't make a big fuss about breaking up or anything. Now that you're better, he has come back into your life. Now I'm gonna give you some advice, that applies in most cases. Friendship can be turned into love but love can't be turned into friendship. You can't go out, shake someone's had when you used to kiss him/her. You can't have a normal conversation on relationship topics when you two used to be together. Basically it's a relationship or NC. Being friends will get one of you two hurt eventually.

 

Although you consider him as a friend now, you use the word date to describe your meetings with him. Basically what I'm saying is that you two should give it another shot, you want to give it another shot just by judging your post. In order to do this, you need to regain his trust and love back. Honesty is the best way to do that. Go for it!

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

You can always give it a second try since he's coming around now.

 

But if you quit your job and stay in bed all day again he is going to be out.

 

Good luck.

[MotherGooze]

well he's comming around, but he did say that he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe not in those words but saying "he's scared of commiting once again, because he doesn't want to get hurt by me again."

 

and also He told me that he didn't want me to have any false hope.

 

So I'm not really sure what he wants.

[BikerBeagle]

He says he just want to be my 'Buddy'

Hmmm ...I'll give you 3 guesses as to what kind of 'buddy' he wants to be, but I think you will only need 1.

 

Seriously, guys don't come back to be 'just friends' ...it just doesn't happen, ever. Since he is obviously not interested in getting back into your relationship, that really only leaves one other thing ...'friends with benefits'.

 

Deny it, don't believe it, justify it ...but remember this moment when the realization finally hits you.

[MotherGooze]

Well I can't really agree with this. I trust him enough to tell you he doesn't want to have sex with me out of a relationship and all we do when we meet up is talk and have an occasional hug. So Friends With Benefits is out of the question, not only for me but for him as well. He never had a one night stand before and was in only two serious relationships before me. They both lasted very long though.

 

An other reason why I don't agree with you is that even now he still wants to help me out. Within two weeks I'm moving, and he immediatly volunteered to help me out with it even though I told him my mother and my brother will be there, but he doesn't mind seeing them and he says it'll be nice to catch up with them.

[Frankasy]

well he's comming around, but he did say that he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe not in those words but saying "he's scared of commiting once again, because he doesn't want to get hurt by me again."

 

and also He told me that he didn't want me to have any false hope.

 

So I'm not really sure what he wants.

 

He's just hiding, not being transparent at first cause he's not sure what to expect. Like I said, just be honest and everything will be put back into place.

[MotherGooze]

I guess I'm just a bit insecure and scared. The pain that I have had the past couple of months because of him leaving was terrible. On a more postivie note I could take action and do something about my problems. I guess I needed someone to slap me in the face, because I was too blind to see it myself

 

But there is something I should add. Something that I couldn't before because I'm so bloody ashamed by it. A week after we broke up I took an overdose on painkillers. I was so tired of everything. I thought I couldn't be a good mom and I just felt that I sucked big time. I just wanted to get away. So I send alll my friends and family (including him) a text message to say goodbye and took the pills. After I took them I felt bad, I didn't want to go...I felt ashamed about doing this and giving up so I went to the nearest hospital.

 

He called me worried as well, but he was very angry with me. He couldn't believe I would ever do such a thing as a mother and that I was selfish. After that our contact broke off until after two weeks ago of course. But he says that me doing that makes him back off from a relationship, because he's scared that if he leaves again, or if it wouldn't work out I might do it again.

 

But it's not him leaving that made me do it, it was more everything together. And after that, that's when I started to take action, so allthough I'm ashamed I did it, it made me realise how wonderful I think life is, and how after every storm the sun is boudn to shine again.

 

For the past several weeks I've been feeling very proud of being to crawl out of that dark muddy pit I was hiding in. It strengthens me. But the feeling of never having another chance with him, hurts me, and I do hope that even after all that has happened he'll come around one day. I wasn't a stabile person but I can say for sure that I am now. I love my son more then anything and try to be the best mom out there.

 

I hope people won't judge me for what I did.