Am I the dumper or the dumpee?

[MeMyself&I]

So........not sure how much to write but the bottom line is if I initiated the break-up and then tried to reconcile am I still the dumper.....because I don't feel like it I feel the tables are turned and I am now the dumpee. Any feedback on this?? I guess from what I've read I am still the dumper. But I'm not sure how to approach this.

[bubblegum]

I guess you are both. Why does it matter to you? How will defining yourself as one or the other alter your "approach?"

[MeMyself&I]

Well from what I have read, I thought the dumper (if they want reconciliation) is the one who broke the trust and needs to go back to the ex and make amends. As the dumpee, it seems like everyone says "no matter what, initially NC is what you want to do."

[Trialbyfire]

There are no hard and fast rules.

 

I sometimes wonder and sometimes know, based on the threads, that it's all a game of pride and ego. If that's the case, then it's best the two part ways. Not enough caring, too much concern about self.

[bubblegum]

The point of NC is to remove yourself from the ex in order to gain some emotional stability, and see things rationally so that you can look at the relationship calmly and decide whether or not it was what you thought it was, if you were loved and giving love as you thought you were, etc etc.

 

Are you there yet? Are you making a decision to want reconciliation based on emotions or based on rational thought? Something made you initiate a break up... what has changed since then? Why do you want reconciliation?

[MeMyself&I]

I'm afraid my story may go on and on but I'll try to keep it short. My ex and I saw each other 2 1/2 years ago. At the time I thought it was a relationship--looking back it was more of a booty call.

 

He was going through a divorce and very angry at women in general as it was UGLY!! So we stopped seeing each other. We hang out at the same place but I took a break from going out because of personal reasons of my own. So we just sort of drifted away from each other. I had a hard time initially that time too but soon was able to put it behind me with the break. Once I started going out to the hang-out again. We started testing the waters with each other (this was this last summer). Even all of our friends were like you guys just need to do it--we can feel the chemistry between you two.

 

So around the first of October we start texting. He tells me he wants to give it a go. We are both healthier. 3 1/2 hrs later of texting he decides we should just call ea. other another 2 hrs and we decide to try.

 

So the reason I broke up (about 3 1/2 mnths later) is because he is a very unemotional (in public) man. Some women can take that some can't. He does not show or verbalize this. Now some may say why do I want this? I love him and I'm crazy about him. I went through a huge transition in December. I graduated from college. I great accomplishment but I felt like I'd lost my identity. No longer a student, didn't have a job, money was tight. It seemed my ex was being distant. All this led to my deciding I couldn't handle the stress of the relationship on top of everything else. I honestly thought I would not hurt him as I really didn't know how he felt.

 

I tried to talk to him a week later (I know too soon) and it was abundantly clear he was hurt. Since then (cause I basically begged him for to forgive me) I have initialted no contact. With the exception of a brief e-mail saying "I want to apologize for my behavior two weeks ago. It was too soon for both of us. I'm okay with things. You were right. A job is a good thing.....I am sooooo busy now" that is all I wrote. Have not contacted him since. He text me last friday (first contact he has made. We broke up on Jan. 13th). It was my birthday and he just said I thought I should shoot you an e-mail to wish you happy birthday. I did respond with a thank you...it's actually Monday but we are celebrating tonight".

 

A reminder.......we have LOTS of mutual friends. So it makes it hard. I miss him. But I don't miss the way I felt when i questioned how he felt about me. 3 1/2 months is not a lot. But I consider the fact I've known him 2 1/2 years. So it's not all black and white as far as time goes. Anyway that's my story with a lot not said but the important parts included. If anyone needs clarification or any suggestions, please let me know.

[MeMyself&I]

Bubblegum

 

The point of NC is to remove yourself from the ex in order to gain some emotional stability, and see things rationally so that you can look at the relationship calmly and decide whether or not it was what you thought it was, if you were loved and giving love as you thought you were, etc etc.

 

Are you there yet? Are you making a decision to want reconciliation based on emotions or based on rational thought? Something made you initiate a break up... what has changed since then? Why do you want reconciliation?

 

 

I've read these threads and realize that when you make NC a way to get your ex back that you are not using it for its real purpose. I feel it is a way to maintain my "sanity" and put things in perspective and work on myself. Since then I have gotten a job and realize that although I still may have made the decision to break up, I was at a bad time in my life and should not have based my decision on what was going on at that time. I know I can get over him.......I have before. I just miss a lot about our relationship and seeing him and talking to him and holding him. Everyone points out there is a big pond out there with lots of fish in it. I realize that too. I have been open to other guys when they approach me although my heart is not in it.......but that will take time.

[bubblegum]

Congratulations on graduating and getting a job!

 

Have you told him what you've told us here, that you were at a scary point in your life and that you made the mistake of pulling away from him instead of relying on him as a source of comfort and security? That you miss him deeply, understand you hurt him by breaking up, understand that your fears about your own life prompted you to break up, that it had nothing to do with the relationship, and that you quickly realized your mistake? That you understand that he needs time to heal from the pain you caused him, and that you realize he may never want to try again, but that you want him to know that you if he does decide to give you another chance you won't run away next time life overwhelms you (which it will)?

 

Letting him know this and then withdrawing and giving him time to heal might be the best approach, expecially considering his heartache in the past. Don't assume he knows what you're thinking, give him all the info and let him make a choice.

 

He has to decide for himself to trust that you aren't just the type of person who throws away his heart and then just wants it back every so often.

[MeMyself&I]

Bubble gum

 

Congratulations on graduating and getting a job!

 

Have you told him what you've told us here, that you were at a scary point in your life and that you made the mistake of pulling away from him instead of relying on him as a source of comfort and security? That you miss him deeply, understand you hurt him by breaking up, understand that your fears about your own life prompted you to break up, that it had nothing to do with the relationship, and that you quickly realized your mistake? That you understand that he needs time to heal from the pain you caused him, and that you realize he may never want to try again, but that you want him to know that you if he does decide to give you another chance you won't run away next time life overwhelms you (which it will)?

 

Letting him know this and then withdrawing and giving him time to heal might be the best approach, expecially considering his heartache in the past. Don't assume he knows what you're thinking, give him all the info and let him make a choice.

 

He has to decide for himself to trust that you aren't just the type of person who throws away his heart and then just wants it back every so often.

 

I hope to be able to do this. I tried to talk to him like I said in my other post........but it was too early. He was very unresponsive. He kept saying "I wont go back" when I asked him what he meant he said "I have myself in a fairly stable place emotionally right now after my divorce. I will not go back and be here with you in another 3 mths and go through this again." I asked him why he hadn't just told/showed me he cared for me." he said I assumed he didn't and I should have assumed he did and my walking out showed how little I cared for him." I told him I didn't know I could hurt him and he said "now you do". It got us nowhere. Mind you this was only 5 days after the breakup.

 

I hope to have the opportunity to see/talk to him. He is avoiding me though. He has not been to our regular hang-out since that last conversation above (and I understand why). I know I need to give him time. I'd like to tell him my state of mind when I broke it off. I should have turned to him but I also was unsure of him at the same time. I know we will eventually have some kind of relationship. Not sure if we can be just friends as we are very attracted to each other and always end up back together.

 

Thank you for your input.

[bubblegum]

Yes, I understand both of your perspectives and how this all played out. This is a tough situation. How did your last conversation with him end, I mean did he say he no longer wants contact?

[MeMyself&I]

Yes, I understand both of your perspectives and how this all played out. This is a tough situation. How did your last conversation with him end, I mean did he say he no longer wants contact?

 

Well when I first saw him that night---before the talk--i went up to him and said are we ok? He said "it will take time". After the talk??? He didn't say then. He made contact last Friday on the 6th (almost 1 mth after the break-up). I don't see us never talking again. IDK we kind of already did this two years ago and although I didn't know I was implementing no contact--we really did and it worked.

 

So I think I have to give it more time. If I see him out this weekend, I think I will just acknowledge him, give him his space and go sit with my friends. He will probably play pool....if he's there.

 

Do you think that is the right step? If he approaches me, how do I approach it? It would be so easy to jump right back into it......especially in bed. lol Never been better!!

[bubblegum]

It's a good sign (at least not a bad one) that he texted you happy bday. I guess you are the dumpee now, so laying low might be the right thing to do. If you see him out, definately acknowledge him and ask how he's been, etc. Maybe ask him if he'd like to have dinner sometime? I don't know, it's so difficult, because you are the dumpee because you dumped him! So I don't know if you should occasionally let him know you are still hoping for reconciliation, or if you should wait and see if he'll come around.

 

He somehow needs to know you won't dump him again, but he does need space too.... hmmm.

[MeMyself&I]

Bubble gum

 

He somehow needs to know you won't dump him again, but he does need space too.... hmmm.

 

The weird think is that the one thing I don't feel good about myself in the relationship is I'm sooooo trustworthy/predictable. He's had soooo many women cheat on him but he knows I won't....he's told me so. I know that shouldn't be labeled as a bad thing, but I feel he takes me for granted--I'll always be there---I'm the "nice" girl.

 

So the fact that I dumped him probably came as a total shock........I don't think he ever thought I would. And actually..I've been in some pretty abusive relationships and this is the first time I've ended one. I usually let them beat me down until we just drift apart. I did a lot of growing in the 1 1/2 we were apart (he cut me out of his life 2 1/2 years ago). I gave up drinking. I haven't drank in almost 1 1/2 to 2 years and I completed my college degree. I'm not proud of breaking up with him (I'm not trying to say that). I'm sorry I hurt him. And believe me......I cried for two days straight and just finally in the last week have been able to cope with it better.

 

I do think he needs his space. I would like the opportunity to tell him where I was emotionally when i broke up with him. I do know I'm okay with out him. But I do fear unless I totally change my circle of friends and hang-out elsewhere.....I will not get over him. I'm not super young. I'm 37 years old as of Monday. I've put 2 1/2 years (kinda) into this relationship. Do I want to put more??? Yes and No=IDK!!

 

So I feel I'm in a good place emotionally but still wishy washy on what I want to do. I think one reason I can be positive is that I KNOW I will see him again. And I don't know it that's a good reason. I know I'll be Okay without him but I'd rather be Okay with him.

 

Thanks for letting me share this with you. Sometimes you feel you wear out your BF tickets when you go on and on.

[MeMyself&I]

"And actually..I've been in some pretty abusive relationships and this is the first time I've ended one."

 

I didn't mean to imply he was abusive---he wasn't. Just emotionally unavailable...which is really hard too.

 

Back to the dumper and the dumpee. I kind of feel that once you try to make amends and they reject you as the original dumper that you then take on the role of the dumpee.........meaning NC (but maybe not totally). Since you initiated the break-up, I agree it's not fair to assume one attempt and one rejection from you ex is all the effort you should put into it when you hurt them.

 

IDK I'm confused on where to go from here. Because although I'm the dumper. If I keep contacting him (which I haven't) then I appear needy---like I did 5-days after when I cried and asked him to try again and I was sorry for the break-up.

 

I also have seen a lot of anamosity toward the dumper on here (they didn't want me, they dumped me, they don't car) and I'm not saying some of it's not justified. But this experience has shown me (and I hope it can show others) that the dumper does not walk away lightly, without hurt and without regret. I haven't hurt this badly since my "first love" broke up with me. We dumpers are human and make mistakes. As a very emotional female.......I make plenty of decisions based on my emotion rather than with my head (I find it so frustrating). Oh to be a little more black and white like my ex was.

 

Anyway......I wrote this portion because we don't hear a lot from the dumpers on this forum and what i do read is often not at all as I felt when I broke up with my Ex. I love him, I hurt, I regret and I may have lost him forever. That I have to deal with and yes, that was a result of my actions.

[bubblegum]

I think your insight and desire to share your experience will enlighten many people -- thanks for that.

 

I think it might be appropriate to let him know you're interested in meeting up. Just letting him know that, won't be needy, it won't be pushy, it completely allows him the choice to say yes or no. If he says no, then you can say all right, I hope you're well, and call me if you feel like meeting up. It's a more active approach then waiting until you run into each other, which might feed his impression that you take this lightly, that he only crosses your mind when you see him. (not that he thinks that, but who knows what he's thinking?)

[MeMyself&I]

I think your insight and desire to share your experience will enlighten many people -- thanks for that.

 

I sure hope so. I've been on both sides of the break-up. And the guilt and loss I felt this time were probably worse---because I had no one to blame but myself.

 

I think it might be appropriate to let him know you're interested in meeting up. Just letting him know that, won't be needy, it won't be pushy, it completely allows him the choice to say yes or no. If he says no, then you can say all right, I hope you're well, and call me if you feel like meeting up. It's a more active approach then waiting until you run into each other, which might feed his impression that you take this lightly, that he only crosses your mind when you see him. (not that he thinks that, but who knows what he's thinking?)

 

Hmmmm..........he is such a hard one to read because he doesn't let you. I agree I need to talk to him. I'm just wondering if after the way It resulted the last time we talked face-to-face if he won't be a little leery.

 

I'm thinking maybe more time. I may run into him this weekend and I don't want him to think there will be the drama of last time. I also think he will come back when he sees I'm okay without him and have established myself again into the confident, educated, fun person he was attracted to. Not the stressed out person who broke up with him or the needy person who asked him for another chance.

 

I do think your right about making sure he knows I care and to not be to standoffish. Not sure how to approach that with him. I think I'll see what happens this this weekend when we are around each other. We haven't seen each other in 3 or 4 weeks.

 

Thanks for the responses.