Its not you, its me? WTF

[ruggy]

What the ++++ does its not you its me mean? Yes, I am still trying to wrap myself around this last one. She tells me I have no complaints about you. Your a great guy, smart, fun to be around, etc. Its not you, its me? I did reply back a few days later saying ok, whatever you want. She never replied back. She also has my movie DVD (recent release set me back 10 bucks). Damn woman. How can I ask her to send it to me? Do you think she will? I'm lost...

[SoulSearch_CO]

Did she tell you this by email? then just email her back and say, "Could I get my DVD back, please? It's not yours, it's mine."

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm really sorry - that so didn't answer your original question. LOL I'd say that she sees a lot of qualities that she LIKES in you, but she's not feeling the spark. Or it's quite possible it IS you and she's just too chicken-**** to be honest.

[ruggy]

Yea, by e-mail. Chicken, doubtful, as we talked about this two weeks ago. Sex and stuff. I stated this in a previous post. A week later this happened. Sent her an e-mail or two during that week and I did not hear back. Felt something strange. She finally e-mailed back saying this plus making an excuse as to why she did not e-mail back the last two times (she brought it up) and an excuse that she forgot about dinner the same night. I said fine. She's not a stupid woman. I ain't a stupid dude. We've been going out the same damn night for six weeks. How do you "forget"? So I e-mailed back, guess we should cancel next weeks date too (steamed because of the "forgotten notice". She e-mailed back and said she thinks it would be best. Never heard from her again. So much for spending several weeks together. None the less, I will e-mail her again about my movie. I would be surprised if she e-mails back. What can you do.

 

I swear, some women have these off switches. Once off, the whole identity and history of the person is erased.

[LucreziaBorgia]

"Its not you, its me" means "It is you, but I lack the fortitude to be honest about it".

[marlena]

"Its not you, its me" means "It is you, but I lack the fortitude to be honest about it".

 

Yes, it's a polite way to blow someone off.

[prettybaby]

I think most women who say that basically don't feel any deep chemistry and/or strong physical attraction.

 

So, she's actually being honest when saying that it's not you (= you're a great guy and there's really nothing wrong that you should change or fix), it's her (= simply the way she personally feels, which isn't something either you or her can really control).

 

As simple as that.

[Art_Critic]

I agree with the above 3 posters and would like to add that after 6 weeks of dates with you if a woman uses the line then most likely you have also been replaced with someone that has her interest more.

That is what dating is all about.. Finding someone you click with and that clicks with you...

[marlena]

I think most women who say that basically don't feel any deep chemistry and/or strong physical attraction.

 

So, she's actually being honest when saying that it's not you (= you're a great guy and there's really nothing wrong that you should change or fix), it's her (= simply the way she personally feels, which isn't something either you or her can really control).

 

As simple as that.

 

Totally in agreement. It means I don't feel the chemistry/attraction that you do but it has nothing to do with your overall appeal. It just doesn't do it for me although someone else may feel differently.

[westrock]

She has no complaints about you. Did you have any complaints about her?

 

Why are you worried about 10 bucks for a DVD? Let her have it.

[Ronni_W]

"Its not you, its me"

It could mean, "I've come to the realization that I am not ready, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, career-wise, and/or spiritually, to be a good dating/relationship partner right now. And I don't wish (or, I don't think I owe it to you) to give you such detailed information about my psyche/personal affairs at this point in our acquaintanceship."

[ruggy]

Not really any complaints. Except she's was too busy (hard to see during the week), slow to return correspondence, and well, she blew me off after setting everything up. If that was given to me let's say earlier on, it would not had bothered me much. But the fact is that the way she acted in talking about the relationship (or lack there of) and telling me one thing but doing something else. Guess I am old school and where there is an issue we talk and work it out. We don't say one thing and do another. Something must be in the water in New York City. Cause I certainly do not understand how where two people connect on so many levels and then one drops off the face of the earth. Notably, this started to happen after the "sex" talk. Possibly I scared her a bit, even though she brushed it off and said something to appease me.

 

And why should she take my DVD? Its not hers, its mine. Not sure why she cannot drop it off or give it to one of our mutual friends.

[ruggy]

It could mean, "I've come to the realization that I am not ready, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, career-wise, and/or spiritually, to be a good dating/relationship partner right now. And I don't wish (or, I don't think I owe it to you) to give you such detailed information about my psyche/personal affairs at this point in our acquaintanceship."

 

Yea, love it when I get these messages I can't decipher. Of course, could not ask her about it, as I e-mailed her back that day and no response. Left a VM on my DVD, no response. Real mature. 31 going on 16.

[Illiandra]

Ask her to to give the DVD to one of your friends since you want it back. As for the Its not you its me, it could mean a few things, she thinks your a great guy but there are no sparks on her end, she enjoys your company but she doesnt see it going anywhere, or she has interest in someone else whom she could have clicked with better. This is why dating can be stressful sometimes

[prettybaby]

About the DVD: does she live far from your place? If not you could tell her: "Hey, I just realized you still have that DVD of mine. Would you rather I pick it up at your place, or simply send it back to my address?"

 

It's safe to assume she won't want to see you in person at this point, because she probably feels bad about blowing you off + doesn't know for sure how you feel about things, so most people in her shoes would quickly accept the second option.

[northstar1]

Not really any complaints. Except she's was too busy (hard to see during the week), slow to return correspondence, and well, she blew me off after setting everything up. If that was given to me let's say earlier on, it would not had bothered me much. But the fact is that the way she acted in talking about the relationship (or lack there of) and telling me one thing but doing something else. Guess I am old school and where there is an issue we talk and work it out. We don't say one thing and do another. Something must be in the water in New York City. Cause I certainly do not understand how where two people connect on so many levels and then one drops off the face of the earth. Notably, this started to happen after the "sex" talk. Possibly I scared her a bit, even though she brushed it off and said something to appease me.

 

And why should she take my DVD? Its not hers, its mine. Not sure why she cannot drop it off or give it to one of our mutual friends.

 

Fact is she may not know how to act maturely while dating. There could be a dozen reasons why she's pulled back (personal issues, unsure about how things are, met someone else etc), and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. But it's clear that by pulling a disappearing act, something is up.

 

I would just do your own thing, don't contact her again, and chalk up your dvd as a casualty of dating. Don't use it as a way to keep contacting her, it will begin to look 'desperate'.

 

If she's truly interested, she'll get in touch, if not, then you'll find someone else better suited.

[You'reasian]

Not really any complaints. Except she's was too busy (hard to see during the week), slow to return correspondence, and well, she blew me off after setting everything up. If that was given to me let's say earlier on, it would not had bothered me much. But the fact is that the way she acted in talking about the relationship (or lack there of) and telling me one thing but doing something else. Guess I am old school and where there is an issue we talk and work it out. We don't say one thing and do another. Something must be in the water in New York City. Cause I certainly do not understand how where two people connect on so many levels and then one drops off the face of the earth. Notably, this started to happen after the "sex" talk. Possibly I scared her a bit, even though she brushed it off and said something to appease me.

 

And why should she take my DVD? Its not hers, its mine. Not sure why she cannot drop it off or give it to one of our mutual friends.

 

She got what she needed and split.

[marlena]

It could mean, "I've come to the realization that I am not ready, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, career-wise, and/or spiritually, to be a good dating/relationship partner right now. And I don't wish (or, I don't think I owe it to you) to give you such detailed information about my psyche/personal affairs at this point in our acquaintanceship."

 

No and again no. No matter where you are financially, spiritually, personally, psychologically or whatever when you fall in love, when the person does it for you, when he/she pushes the right buttons and sends chills through your spine all the above is takes second place and you want or desire that person no matter what.

[marlena]

and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. But it's clear that by pulling a disappearing act, something is up.

 

 

 

Exactly. When someone pulls a disappearance act, it is time for you do to the same.

[ruggy]

Told her to send it to me. I did not use it as an option to see her again. I consider her making up something to do and "forgetting" our date (after six weeks of weekly dating) not honest and I could be with someone again who is not honest. Lying or a person not being honest to me drives me crazy. I would rather someone come and say to me hey, I am not in to you because... Then just pretending I do not exist. I probably should had seen it from the start (the delayed communication thing and that she is handling way more than she really can) as a sign. So much for opening up.

 

She could (but probably won't) contact me up in a few weeks/months and I would have nothing to do with her. I cannot stand being played. Rarely does it happen. I think the last time when I was like 19 on a rebound.

[Ronni_W]

Yea, love it when I get these messages I can't decipher. Of course, could not ask her about it, as I e-mailed her back that day and no response. Left a VM on my DVD, no response. Real mature. 31 going on 16.

Well, yeah...it is TOTALLY a lack of healthy communication skills, and/or lack of self-awareness, and/or whatever other dysfunctional stuff.

 

Point is, though, that IS her and not you -- she DID at least communicate that piece of information accurately .

 

For a ten dollar DVD? I would look at it that my dignity and self-respect are worth FAR more than that.

[ruggy]

I'll get over it, just takes time. Takes me a few weeks.

[ruggy]

Well, yeah...it is TOTALLY a lack of healthy communication skills, and/or lack of self-awareness, and/or whatever other dysfunctional stuff.

 

Point is, though, that IS her and not you -- she DID at least communicate that piece of information accurately .

 

For a ten dollar DVD? I would look at it that my dignity and self-respect are worth FAR more than that.

 

Very true. Its the principal, not the DVD though. The fact she has something of mine, when I returned hers is the idea here. Not to at least contact back and say sure, will send it or something is really lame.

 

Here's something else that is funny, or ironic in a way. I just logged into Chemistry.com and Match.com to review my matches, you would not believe who came up.

 

Can't win.

[carhill]

What was the movie?

 

OP, what you described was about 10 years of my dating life. Enjoy. The good news is that most women grow up eventually.

[marlena]

The good news is that most women grow up eventually.

 

And hopefully men too but only a small percentage get there. North, this doesn't apply to you for if there is one thng I have admired in you it's your maturity amongst , needless to say, other things.