Am I wrong for wanting out? Will I ever be OK again?

[Inspector71]

After 10 months of separation and multiple attempts at reconcilliation, I have decided to finally file for divorce. He is severely emotionally abusive, and despite his promises to be a better person, he's still the same insulting person he always was (even telling me that he doesn't insult me, because the things he says are true- he can't help it if they hurt my feelings). I can't talk to him. I can't bring up an issues I may have. I was supposed to fly home for good Sunday- we thought we had worked it all out. We had a conversation about finances tonight and how we would structure things when I came back. He asked me to sign a post-nuptual agreement. I told him that I would sign anything, but I needed to know that he would work just as hard at making this work as he would if there was no agreement, and therefore more financially at stake for him. It spiralled out of control from there. I brought up finances at the wrong time (evening instead of setting up a time with him that I could bring the issue up); I was just after him for money (even though I told him I would sign one, I just wanted to hear his commitment level); my tone of voice was wrong- I was "sing-songy"; etc. My husband is severely emotionally abusive, which is why I left in the first place. The conversation began to deteriorate, but long story short, he asked what would happen if I didn't sign an agreement. I told him that if this marriage ended because of more severe emotional abuse- i.e., him threatening to kill me or saying things so sexually innappropriate I can't repeat them to my own mother- then I would let the courts decide how much I get. He told me that that wouldn't happen- that he would use his "connections" to ensure I got nothing. I asked him what his connections were, and he told me not to push it, because we weren't on a secure line. I asked him if it was his mafia family- would he have them threaten a judge or lawyer. He told me to stop talking. I told him I was scared and wanted answers, which is then when he told me that I "needed to be scared because that's the only way I'll shut the f*** up". This is when I ended the call. He called back, and I answered. He wanted to keep talking about how wrong I was for questioning the postnuptual agreement, and I reminded him that I would sign anything, as long as I knew he would be just as committed with it as he would be with out it- try just as hard to make our relationship work. I also told him that I won't be married to someone who keeps secrets as big as needing a "secure line", and that he needs to be honest with me- that I'm not OK with feeling frightened. This is when he asked for me to file for divorce.

 

The problem with him being so emotionally abusive is that he makes me feel like this is my fault. If I didn't question him...brought things up at the right time...had a more even tone of voice...I feel so much to blame in all this. I'm so devastated. I feel I'm to blame for the end of my marriage.

 

Will I ever be OK? We are in the same profession, and I have to see him once a year at our professional conference. Will the day ever come where I can see him across the room at our conference and not feel completely devastated? Will I ever be happy again? I will have to live with being his ex-wife every day for the rest of my career- he is the major theorist in our field (he's to my discipline what Elvis was to rock and roll). I'll have to constantly study him, read his stuff, see him at the conference...will I ever be OK again? Will it ever not hurt? What if he shows up to a conference with someone more beautiful and they are happy? Why couldn't I have been her? I wanted to so bad...I tried so hard.

 

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated...I'm falling apart.

[Gunny376]

When?

 

When you seek to re-claim your idenity!

 

As a person!

 

As an individual!

 

As a human being!

 

With diginity!

 

With respect!

 

With "pride"

 

With Self respect!

 

When you seek to re-claim your life!

 

When you choose to quit being afraid!

 

When you refuse to be afraid!

 

The day you decide to make a stand, not against "them" but for yourself!

 

When you seek you seek to re-claim yourself!

 

When you seek to re-claim your "Life"

[Edna07]

No, you are not wrong for wanting out.

 

It is self-preservation at this point.

 

You should be able to be in a relationship with someone where you feel comfortable. Where you don't have to worry about bringing something up at the "wrong time" or having the "wrong tone of voice". We can't be perfect. It's impossible. And when you're with an emotionally abusive person, they set expectations SO HIGH that it is impossible to reach them. Then we deal with the self-doubt and guilt that if we could ONLY be just a little bit better, everything would be fine.

 

But it never does get better does it? No matter how hard you try, you're still always doing something wrong.

 

That is no way to live.

 

It hurts to separate and you go through so many days/nights of thinking "Am I doing the right thing?" I am still doing it and my husband has been out of the house for a month and a half.

 

I have been going to counseling and my counselor said that a lot of times, emotional abuse is more difficult to overcome than physical. The physical wounds heal. It's scary at the time it happens, but you heal. If you're with an emotional abuser, the wounds never heal. It's like a tape playing over and over in your head that you're worthless, overreacting, ridiculous, lazy, fat, stupid. You need to replace the tape.

 

Are you going to counseling? If not, I would highly recommend it. I know you said you wanted to go to marriage counseling and he wouldn't go. Go for yourself.

 

It's so much harder when you're in the relationship to see clearly. You can't see the forest for the trees. I think if you were in counseling, maybe they could help you take a step back and reclaim your life.

[troubadour]

You will be perfectly fine.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

The dude sounds like a total psycho to me...

 

If my daughter had told me what you just did about her relationship with her husband, I would be by her side in a heartbeat, protecting her from ever dealing with that imbecile again. Better yet (it's likely the only revenge that'll really hurt a guy like him), I would open the checkbook for the highest pricest, most talented (read shark-like) divorce lawyer in the entire state...

 

Please do not worry about what his future may hold for him. From what little you've posted here, your future seems much better and brighter without him!

[Inspector71]

Thanks Edna. I'm going to start a Divorce Care group, which is a 13 week program here in my hometown. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist and get serious about finding a job.

 

Today it hurts so bad I can hardly breathe...we've been doing this for ten months, and I think that a clean break would have been easier. Everytime we start to reconcile, and I begin to plan my life around him and coming back, and then he does stuff like this...it's like getting my heart broken fresh all over again. It feels so terrible today...I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again.

 

Today I got an acceptance letter into graduate school. If I go, I'll have to continue on in the same field as my ex, as I stated in my first post...see him at conferences, read his books and theories. Part of me was hoping I didn't get into grad school so I could sever ties to him, but now that I'm in, I'm scared to death. But it would be detrimental to me, I suppose, to turn down grad school just because of my ex...I'd have to find a new career...and is he worth all that?

 

I just hope that I'll be at a place someday where I'm OK with all this. Where it won't hurt like hell and break my heart all over again to see him. I'm so scared.

[Enema]

He told me that that wouldn't happen- that he would use his "connections" to ensure I got nothing. I asked him what his connections were, and he told me not to push it, because we weren't on a secure line.

 

This is pretty funny.

 

Your 59 year old husband makes hollow, completely transparent threats because he has no respect for your 25 year old intellect.

 

Though in his defense, you seem to be buying it.

 

As others have said, there's no reason for you to continue this relationship. Stop contacting him and instead, contact a lawyer.

 

You don't deserve any of his money though. Don't be an american about it.