Completly Heartbroken.

[wallyw]

I have known this woman for over 9 years and have been dating for about 8 years. When I met her, she was recently divorced.

 

I work rotational evening shifts and get a weekend off about once a month. She works days M-F. We live an hour from each other, so I only get too see her around once a month. I do email or call her regularly and found it odd that she did answer her home or cell phone. When I emailed her last week, her email automatically said she was out of the office for 6 days

 

When she got back I called her and told me she went on vacation to a tropical island. I asked her who she went with and she replied an old friend from high school. She never lies to me so when I asked if it was a girlfriend and she said no. Well I was totally surprised but remained calm.

 

When I asked why she didn’t tell me she said that it was just a spur of the moment idea and that he just wanted someone to go on vacation with because he was not in a relationship now. She insisted that he was just a friend and that they went on vacation, that is all.

 

She is a very attractive woman and I find it hard to believe that a guy would ask her to go away on vacation and not have something happen between a man and woman.

 

I have always thought of this as an exclusive relationship, but now she is telling me that although she enjoys spending time with me, she doesn’t want to be serious with anyone. I hinted towards engagement years ago, however, she has always told me that she had a bad marriage and would never marry again.

 

She is the most important part of my life and don’t want to lose her, but then again, it pains me to know that she may keep going away with this guy (or others) in the future.

 

I called her last night and she says she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but I told her that although I love her, I couldn’t stand the thought of her going out with anyone else. I sort of implied that we should go our separate ways.

 

I am completely heartbroken and told her so. I don’t know what to do. One side of me says to leave, but the other side still wants to be with her badly. I am hopelessly in love with her and she knows it, but I don’t think she feels the same way.

 

I am completely sick over this and want to sleep all day because its hurts so much when I think about this. There is such a heart felt pain that I never experienced before.

 

She is the first love of my life. and I am afraid of losing her. My life would be empty without her.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

Sorry about your pain brother....

 

IMHO - You are not going to want to hear this: Go NC on her and see what happens. You're not that important to her, ok, let her MISS you for a while.

 

That's a LONG time to maintain an LDR! Why didn't your relationship progress to the "let's move closer to one another" stage?

 

Were you her rebound?

 

Peace

Mark

[wallyw]

There was a period 2 years ago that she went to Grad School for two years, so we did not really each other all that much, maybe every other month, but we talked or email each other regularly. I waited until she was finished with school and I thought that we would would pick up where we left off. However, she didn't seem to really miss me all that much during that period because of her studies.

 

We both own residences two counties away and work near our homes, so neither of us was willing to relocate. Besides, I don't consider an hour ( less than 30 miles) an LDR.

 

She was actually seeing someone else at the time I first met her. We were just co-workers at the time. When he found out that she was spending a whole lot of time with me, he stopped seeing her.

 

When I first met her I found a book she was reading called “How To Find Love Again A Painful Divorce”.

 

I am not sure now that she found whats she's looking for.

[wallyw]

Thanks Nuala for sharing your experience and sympathizing with mine.

 

 

I often wonder why some of us were we born with these strong feelings of attachment. When others don't feel the same sense of monogamy.

 

 

My theory is that the more attractive you are the less you have to be loyal because you can get anyone you want at any time. She just happens to be very attractive and I guess I wasn't born with the looks or wealth to keep them around.

[wallyw]

The other night I sort of said I couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing anyone else and I was so devastated that I basically said good luck and take care of yourself. She said “Well, I’ll keep in touch” And that’s how we left it.

 

Well today I broke down and called her again and asked if we were still friends. She said yes and I told her that I felt that we were more than just “friends” and she did agree.

 

However she still says that if she wants to go out or on vacation or whatever without me, she doesn’t want me to prevent her from doing other things.

 

While I know that she has male friends, it pains me to think that she could be sharing intimate moments with anyone of them.

 

While I tried the “well I’m leaving you” routine and that didn’t work.

 

 

 

I don’t know what to do now and wondering if this open relationship is even worth pursuing. I wish I could understand but I can't.

 

 

I just know that I can’t stand to be without her.

[Admiral]

I called her last night and she says she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but I told her that although I love her, I couldn’t stand the thought of her going out with anyone else. I sort of implied that we should go our separate ways.

 

I am completely heartbroken and told her so. I don’t know what to do. One side of me says to leave, but the other side still wants to be with her badly. I am hopelessly in love with her and she knows it, but I don’t think she feels the same way.

 

I am completely sick over this and want to sleep all day because its hurts so much when I think about this. There is such a heart felt pain that I never experienced before.

 

She is the first love of my life. and I am afraid of losing her. My life would be empty without her.

 

She is NOT attracted to you AT ALL.

 

You are stuck in the friend zone forever.

 

You are obsessed with her which is EXTREMELY unattractive to her.

 

You do not tell women about your feelings, that you are "heartbroken".

 

You're supposed to be the MAN in the relationship.

[Nuala83]

It's a tough one. Whatever you decide to do there's gonna be risks. I too tried the "well I'm leaving you and you'll never see me again" route but he didn't seem to be bothered. He then tried to reason with me to stay friends and I agreed but going by my personal experience and reading what others have said, being friends is a very bad idea. The reasons are:

 

1. The may just be offering to stay friends with you to cushion the blow for the breakup (for them as well as you).

 

2. If there is someone else they might just be stringing you along as their safety net. A plan b if you will.

 

3. It's sooo incredibly painful to try to act like a friend around your ex when you still have deep feelings for them, especially if they don't feel the same way. I tried it and I couldn't make the transition from being his girl to being just another pal he walks around with. Not being able to hold his hand or kiss him or embrace him was just awfull.

 

4. If you continue to love your ex but carry on being friends in the vain hope that they might see how great you are and fall back in love with you, when they do find someone else your pain is gonna be magnified. Imagine having to stand by and watch someone you love falling in love with someone else and maybe even turning to you for love advice!

 

I know you're afraid of losing her but your life would not be empty without her. Don't get me wrong, it's gonna seem that way and I know how it feels to wake up at 2am with that sinking panicky feeling of despair. But you cannot persuade someone to love you. Have you read any of the other forums about NC and such? I was reluctant to try it at first cos I thought it'd make him forget about me but the longer I kept in contact, the more he was stringing me along. Strangely although it's been six weeks since we split, in the last 3 days I haven't spoken to him I feel kinda like a weight's been lifted. I recommend it. If nothing else it'll give the two of you time to think things through more clearly which is hard to do when you first break up.

[stillafool]

Wally I am sorry for your pain. You have to go complete NC with your ex if you want to heal. I know you said she never lies but I can tell you she does want to date other people and likes the way she felt running off on holiday with her friend. Leave her be. If you ever want a chance at having her back you must leave her alone and let her miss you. Calling her is going to start turning her off and make you look weak in her eyes.

 

Nuala83 your bf is definitely seeing that 21 year old and that's why he wanted to break up. There's always someone in the "wings" when a lover decides they "just want a break", remember that. I have never seen a case where there wasn't. You are doing the right thing by leaving him alone. As a matter of fact, since he asked for the breakup I think you should start dating immediately and see how you ex likes those "apples". Good Luck to you both!

[Excellent]

I often wonder why some of us were we born with these strong feelings of attachment. When others don't feel the same sense of monogamy.

 

You are not the only one who has been wondering about that. Sometimes i feel that i live in a fantasyworld because thats exactly what i want, and have always wanted since i got in that age where girls got interesting. I only want one to spend my life with, i have, and never had the desire to going through lots of girls, like i saw many of my mates do.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You are not the only one who has been wondering about that. Sometimes i feel that i live in a fantasyworld because thats exactly what i want, and have always wanted since i got in that age where girls got interesting. I only want one to spend my life with, i have, and never had the desire to going through lots of girls, like i saw many of my mates do.

 

Just want to say I agree! Its nice to know that there are men and women out there that DO want this and DO value monogamy. Sometimes I feel I am being unrealistic even wanting this because all everyone seems to do is lie, cheat, 'get bored' etc....but I know thats only the bad. There is a lot of good. What I find harder is finding someone you are crazy for and wants the same!

[Excellent]

There is a lot of good. What I find harder is finding someone you are crazy for and wants the same!

 

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It seems to me that everyone in my age just takes these things so easy. Why? To me the idea of having someone thats just as comitted to you as you are to them, is one of my biggest dreams.

 

I envy the generations wich my grandparents belong to, it seems like they instantly knew how valuable the other part is, and they stick it out, and work it out, not matter what the deal is.

 

I'm only 25, but i can't help to sometimes feel old fashioned when i think about my views on this.

[Nuala83]

Nikki Sahagin and Excellent, I'm glad to know there are others out there that feel the same way I do. I can't understand how some people are willing to just throw away a relationship which if it's been long term must have been pretty deep and meaningful to them at some point. And throw it away for what? A spark?? The spark doesn't last! It's great when you fall in love with someone and they seem perfect but they're not. What's even more disturbing is the knowledge that this can happen to anyone. Doesn't matter bout your age, length of relationship, sex, marital status or how wonderful you thought your mate was. Scary stuff!

 

Excellent, I too envy the generations who were willing to stick it out and work it out. Sadly a lot of our generation just seems to want the new "best thing". Throw it away, get a new one

 

I'm 26 and I don't feel that way. I hope there are others who share my view.

[Excellent]

Excellent, I too envy the generations who were willing to stick it out and work it out. Sadly a lot of our generation just seems to want the new "best thing". Throw it away, get a new one

 

I'm 26 and I don't feel that way. I hope there are others who share my view.

 

Yes, it seems the term "the grass is always greener on the other side" is a mindset that most people have today, apart from most of us on this section of the forum

 

I have always been content with what i have, just because i am used to work damn hard for everything. I've always felt alone, even if i do have a great supportive family, good friends, good job etc. And i think i have handeled it well, just because i got used to it in the long run. I guess thats why i promised myself many years ago that if i ever found someone wich i fell in love with, and they fell in love with me, i would never, ever leave them (unless they do me wrong in a very serious way) no matter what. And this has been embedded in me now, it's not something i can rid myself from, nor do i want to. I'm not a model with a sixpack, i'm not rich and i know i can be quite boring and shy sometimes, but i do know that my loyalty and faithfullness to a partner, my family and friends is unquestioned.

 

My biggest wish or dream if you will, is just to live a normal life. Eventhough i am only 25 i feel i am done playing. Whilst most at my age still want to "have fun", fool around etc. I want to have a stable job, a wife, 2,5 kids, a house and a beige stationwagon. You know, stereotype life. Thats what i work towards, and i won't quit until i have it. And when i see people taking those things for granted it sickens me, because they have no f-ing clue how lucky they are.

 

Wow, this nearly became a rant, sorry

[lost_one_01]

Have to agree with you all..and I am in my 40's lol. Sometimes I wonder if it is a fantasy to think you will find someone...and grow old together. All of my family..different generation...have found that. Seen so many people just get up and walk away. I just can't imagine it is that simple to do... throw away all that just like that. Just got out of a 3 year relationship and thought she was the "one"...but wasjust the usual lies, games and cheating:( Not sure if I have it in me to try anymore...hope all you find that "one"

[EmperorR]

your not the only one, I'm only 23 yet I've been engaged cheated on and dumped recovered dated again and got dumped because I'm to "mature"

 

I've never been a person who jumps from girl to girl, and I guess that's why I always end up being hurt.

[wallyw]

We eventually got back together again after a few months. Last August we got into a fight and we didn't speak for 2 months.

 

I broke down and emailed her and she now tells me we need a break for awhile. I am almost positive she is seeing somone now. My feelings only got stronger and I now feel worse than the first time we separated.

 

I am more heartbroken now than ever.

[Sugarkane]

Why did you only see each other once a month? That's not much. I also live an hour away from my boyfriend but I see him at least once a week.