The failure of NC!

[fromfaraway]

Hello guys,

 

It is always great to be on this great website, either by reading, asking for or giving advice!

 

Anyhow, I have an interesting story with NC. 5 years ago, I dated a girl. We bonded immediately. I did love her very sincerely, and she did as well. I was her first everything. She wanted to take take me to her house to introduce me to her family and she was really excited about it. But suddenly she broke with me without any apparent reason. The thing is that she hid the truth from me to protect my feelings, but I realized what was wrong: her family is Jewish and I am Muslim. It was simply out of question for them.

 

She really wanted to remain friends after the breakup. I could not. I asked for NC. I broke down after three weeks. We talked for a week, but she said she feels weird about it. She asked for NC. We did not speak for two years. After that she said me an email. I wrote back. Then I run into her once. I was with a friend. He did not know who she was, but he told me that he could see love in her eyes! She sent me an email afterward to tell me she was happy to see me and asked questions about what I was doing.

 

Then NC for two years. I kept dreaming about her. I tried really for two years, then I sent her an email (4 years after the breakup) to say hello. She was happy to hear from me. I wrote back and asked her out for coffee,telling her I will understand if she would refuse but will be very happy if she agrees. She agreed. Problem? I had to move out of town that same week.

 

NC for another year. Now that she is coming to the town where I live in a month, she sent me an email to let me know she would like to meet up. She asked what I was up to, and I was talking about picking up painting. She replied with many questions about my new hobby (she is into arts).

 

The dreams disappeared after we renewed contact. The thing is I still like her very much. What do you guys think? What is the best strategy for now?

[BCCA]

Seems like the same problem is still there: shes jewish, youre muslim.

 

If thats what really kept her away before, which Im not 100% sure of, then why would it be any different now?

 

I also see two people who couldnt get on the same page for 5 years, and again - wonder what would change now?

 

We all have these kinds of people come into our lives. They seem so perfect, and you have so much fun together, but it just doesnt work out. Anyone who can let years go by without contacting you doesnt really seem like they are interested in keeping you around.

[fromfaraway]

Seems like the same problem is still there: shes jewish, youre muslim.

 

If thats what really kept her away before, which Im not 100% sure of, then why would it be any different now?

 

.

 

Thanks for the feedback, BCCA

 

 

Just to clarify. Her family is conservative Jewish; she is either agnostic or atheist. My family is Muslim (but they are open the idea of marrying a non-Muslim); I am an atheist. For the two of us, we can not care less for that background difference, and we both never looked down on believing people! For her family, it is a matter of life and death!

[LovesHangover]

BCCA,

 

I have to disagree with you about:

 

We all have these kinds of people come into our lives. They seem so perfect, and you have so much fun together, but it just doesnt work out. Anyone who can let years go by without contacting you doesnt really seem like they are interested in keeping you around.

 

I really love and miss an ex from years ago. Fear and bad advice like no contact had me paralyzed. Each person had his or her own exaggerated reasons as to why my ex and I shouldn't keep in touch or try to be friends. It is on me that I listened, but nonetheless: I always wanted him in my life.

 

Fromfarfaraway,

 

Please follow your heart. Tell this woman how you feel and take what you get. At least you will know. In my opinion, you really have everything in you to deal with whatever comes up in your life by being authentic. When you start acting on the advice of others on such matters you are not being yourself and things get messier.

 

Even though the circumstances haven't changed, you and your ex have grown and matured. Perhaps you now have the opportunity to say all you have to say and allow her to do the same so that there will be clarity between you two and you can move forward whether it is together or apart.

 

LovesHangover

[fromfaraway]

BCCA,

 

I have to disagree with you about:

 

We all have these kinds of people come into our lives. They seem so perfect, and you have so much fun together, but it just doesnt work out. Anyone who can let years go by without contacting you doesnt really seem like they are interested in keeping you around.

 

I really love and miss an ex from years ago. Fear and bad advice like no contact had me paralyzed. Each person had his or her own exaggerated reasons as to why my ex and I shouldn't keep in touch or try to be friends. It is on me that I listened, but nonetheless: I always wanted him in my life.

 

Fromfarfaraway,

 

Please follow your heart. Tell this woman how you feel and take what you get. At least you will know. In my opinion, you really have everything in you to deal with whatever comes up in your life by being authentic. When you start acting on the advice of others on such matters you are not being yourself and things get messier.

 

Even though the circumstances haven't changed, you and your ex have grown and matured. Perhaps you now have the opportunity to say all you have to say and allow her to do the same so that there will be clarity between you two and you can move forward whether it is together or apart.

 

LovesHangover

 

LoveHangover,

 

Thank you very much for the advice. I think you do have insight into this situation. We both acted on the advice of others, and made the situation harder than needs be. When I approached her last year by email, I made it clear that having coffee with her will make me "very happy." It was really what I felt. She said she would be up for coffee.

 

Then when I left town and I did not know when I will see her next, I sent her an email. I explained to her that it is better to speak about things by email, but there was something I needed her to know. I told her that when I asked her not to speak with me, I did not mean it. It was contrary to how I felt. I told her that the last thing in the world I would desire is to have her not speak to me. I left it at that.

 

Now she contacts me and she wants to meet up.