The alternative option to no contact

[Nuala83]

Here is my alternative advice to the no contact rule that you’ve probably heard mentioned a lot on this site. Now first of all I’m not berating the idea of no contact or anyone who wishes to follow that rule and I do believe that after a traumatic split a cooling off period is usually necessary. However I wanted to provide a different option for those who are looking for alternatives. A lot of it I think is just common sense but I’m posting it because I know there are a lot of people out there who are looking for advice on what to do after their breakup. There are also a lot of people who want to attempt reconciliation but don’t say so on the forum because they’re met with an “It never works” response. The following advice is not mine but a collection of snippets I’ve pasted together from various relationship books and websites I visited shortly after my break up. I wish I’d followed some of them not for reconciliation purposes but for preventing the further deterioration of the friendship which if reconciliation doesn’t work, you may want to salvage

 

By the way, this advice is aimed at the person who was dumped and NOT the dumper. Also it’s really only valid to relationships that were otherwise relatively healthy and not to ones where there were major issues (cheating for example) involved in the break up.

 

Let’s begin:

 

Act Happy

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means that if you should bump into your ex or if they decide to call you, you put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else’s happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

Stop reacting to their hostility

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it. The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behaviour and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. Try if you can to see their lack of interest in seeing you as freedom and independence. If they tell you you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

Start dating

You’re not exactly trying to make your ex jealous here and whatever you do you should never announce to them that you’re dating but eventually they’re likely to find out and that will send them the message that you’re over them and you’re moving on. If they find out that you’ve started to date (let me stress that you should also never ask one of your friends to casually mention it to your ex in the hope of making him jealous) they might just start to think again about their decision. Dating will make you appear desirable yet unobtainable and that may well stir uncomfortable feelings within them.

 

Get out there and enjoy yourself

It’s really tough after a break up not to shut yourself away from the outside world and dwell on your misfortune but you can’t do that forever because it will not attract back your ex (if that’s what you’re after), it wont make you desirable to anyone new, it will start to alienate you from your friends and ultimately you’ll end up feeling more miserable than before. Of course you’re gonna be sad. You’ll be sad for a long time after the split but don’t wear that face in the outside world. You have to be responsible for your own happiness and one of the best ways to do this is to get out there, be with friends and family, meet new people, take up some hobbies, whatever! It will improve your self esteem and if your ex was always blaming you for their boredom, now that excuse has been taken away from them.

 

Stop needing them and fake indifference

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back. Scenario. They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

Don’t call them

At least don’t be the one to always initiate the calls. If they phone you it’s fine to answer and its fine to return calls but don’t be at their beck and call. Your ex might be happy for the two of you to slip into a friend relationship where they call you as much as they used to; you go out all the time but with none of the perks of a relationship. If that’s what you want, fine. If not, don’t settle. Depending on how much the two of you used to chat on the phone, cut it right back. If they’re calling every day of the week, only be available to talk once or twice a week and even then only for a short time. You can chat, be happy to hear from them and be interested in what they have to say but you have a life to lead so always be the one to wrap up the call with a simple “It was nice to hear from you but I’ve got to go” or “I’m just on my way out now, we’ll chat another time”. Something to that effect. If on the other hand they’re not calling you at all, just leave them be for the moment. In a few weeks if they’ve still not phoned, you might want to call them up for a quick chat to see how they are. Keep it brief and friendly and see how that goes.

 

Stop telling them you love them

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

Stop questioning them

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

Stop criticizing and complaining

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticise. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

Don't try to convince them to feel differently

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels.

 

Don’t give off the impression that you’re waiting around

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring!

 

Don’t bring up any relationship talk/break up talk

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

 

Don’t argue

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop attacking!

 

Try some new things

If you’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut in your life, now’s the time to get out of it. One of the reasons your ex may have left you is boredom. Everyone has things they’ve been putting off doing or have always wanted to do but have never had the time. Now’s the time to take action. Now your partner has gone you probably have that extra bit of spare time to try some new things and show your ex that you’re not as boring and predictable as they thought you were. It could be anything at all. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to drive, or learn a language or visit some far flung city or take cooking lessons. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you want to do. Your new found confidence that you’ve gained from your new skill/new experience will be alluring and you’ll find yourself having more to talk about which will make you more interesting too.

 

Tantalise, reassure, and worry

I got this tip from a really good break up book and I think it sums up everything I’ve just said perfectly. Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cosying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

 

 

Well that’s the end of my advice. Might I remind you it’s just my personal opinion/the acvice of others and I’m not trying to tell people this is what they should do. I also make no claims to guarantee this will work. Your course of action is up to you but if you’ve read this you probably want to reconcile (or you think my advice is a lot of BS and want to tell me so) and I wish you luck in your pursuit.

[Nuala83]

Is anyone else having trouble with this site???? Everytime I go on it's either not updated or threads dissapear or my avatar goes back to what it used to be. What's going on?

[moet70]

Love it! this will keep me going

[monkeys]

FYI, this is all really good advice Nuala. It happens that i followed through on a lot of this and I am now back with my ex. I am not saying that it will always 'work' in getting your ex back and I don't believe that that should be anyone's intention when thrust into such a horrid situation. However, my partner and I did NOT go NC and I was still able to proceed with my life whilst talking to him. It was hard, and there were times at which I would force myself to smile even when my heart was breaking but it was worth it.

 

xx

[drummerprince81]

This is very good. NC - I've read 90% of the threads on it on here, and I personally believe now that after reading them that NC is for people who never want to reconcile, who never want to hear from the ex again, or are so badly hurt and traumatised that contact would be a terrible idea, or perhaps KNOW that it will work for them in making the ex miss you (but obviously that is not what NC is for even though most people seem to think it is). Maybe I'm wrong, and its just my opinion. There are millions of combinations for relationships breaking up and what you should be doing afterwards, and this is because every relationship is different. Its been 3 months for me now and my ex contacted me for the first time on her own initiative a few days ago. As far as I'm concerned that door that seemed permenantly closed has the tiniest flicker of light creeping through it. I can't clutch at straws, there is barely a glimmer of hope but its something.

 

I guess we are all in the same boat to begin with post-break up. I.e. that we are not with our exs. If we want to reconcile, the only thing we can do to begin with is be friends and not terrorise them as soon as they make a move.

[Leveller]

My ex wanted us to remain friends (she is seeing someone else, has slept with me eight times and we often went out together) and to see if something grows out of that-bizarre wouldn't you say. I tried this, being 'a ghost in the machine' for the last three months in the hope that me being in her life would make her have second thoughts. I allowed myself to be used during this time. Anyway I initiated NC 14 days ago as I told her I needed to be out of the picture. I believe this is the right course of action, and all the advice I have been given poins this way, but I must admit I still have my own doubts. At least when there was a channel of communication open (and I fought hard to maintain this) I felt I could get through to her in terms of where we/I went wrong and why it would work second time around (with some success). Unfortunately I became a backup boyfriend when things were going badly between them.

 

I will also say this. I have gone NC VERY early on in short failed relationships when I was convinced things were not working. For the others, the one's that meant something to me and lasted beyond a few months, NC worked and they came back. However, the caveat here is time. You have to have moved on significantly and not be desperate to get back otherwise it becomes a one sided relationship. Moreover, the reasons that caused the breakup in the first place need to have gone so you can move on with what should effectively be a new relationship or a Mark 2 version if you like. Does this make sense?

[drummerprince81]

Leveller - it certainly does make sense. I didn't know about LS or NC when my ex broke up with me. I was desperate to hear from her...in all fairness, I did go NC for 2 days but then we met, got back together, only to be dumped again the next day, so my contact has been so sporadic and misguided because I was even more devastated and confused than 2 days before. It will be, and I know it will be, the most special relationship I will ever have. And I feel like if only I knew how to use NC correctly I'd be in a better frame of mind today, and perhaps even have a chance with my ex. Basically, the cavaet of time was not used and I feel so wretched.

 

I think the dilemma for you should no longer be one - keep going NC, and make her realise what she has lost, and if she kept coming back before, she is gonna find it very hard the longer you go NC. I guess you can't go back on your word now because you told her. Only she will realise in time. I can't really help you on that - I've never been in that situation...

[Leveller]

Nor me...until now. I too did no research on the internet until I had made all the mistakes even though this is a big part of what I do for a living (fool!!!). Not until the end of April did I learn.

 

Trouble is we are all so mixed up and in such an emotional vortex that our 'normal' thinking processes go out of the window and we act on raw emotion-often with the opposite consequences of what we intended. I was guilty about trying too hard, too soon and see that now but when you miss someone so much it hurts these are the things we do.

 

Quote "I think the dilemma for you should no longer be one - keep going NC, and make her realise what she has lost, and if she kept coming back before, she is gonna find it very hard the longer you go NC".

 

Judging from past experience you might just be right. It is what she has demonstrated, what she and her best friend have said and one of my private predictions-all of which have come true so far. My thinking is evolving into the long game now rather than any short term (and probably short-lived) reconcilliation.

 

NC and the way many of us have expressed our feelings of loss reminds me of one scene from the film 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' where Juliet Stevenson just breaks down and cries. There is a nice little montage on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll37xdj8rpU if anyone is interested. Wonderful film...sometimes a heartbreaking watch, but a wonderful film.

[Nuala83]

Its been 3 months for me now and my ex contacted me for the first time on her own initiative a few days ago. As far as I'm concerned that door that seemed permenantly closed has the tiniest flicker of light creeping through it. I can't clutch at straws, there is barely a glimmer of hope but its something.

 

If we want to reconcile, the only thing we can do to begin with is be friends and not terrorise them as soon as they make a move.

 

I'm glad some of you like this thread. I was pleased when I found this information because it's not easy to find anything that doesn't recomment long periods of NC and that's just not possible for everyone (nor is it something everyone's willing to follow). For the record I am following NC at the moment because I'm completely baffled as to what's going on in my situation!

 

Drummerprince,

your ex contacting you does sound like a good sign. You're right not to get your hopes up but hey, you never know

[samspade]

ct Happy

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means that if you should bump into your ex or if they decide to call you, you put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else’s happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

Stop reacting to their hostility

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it. The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behaviour and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. Try if you can to see their lack of interest in seeing you as freedom and independence. If they tell you you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

Start dating

You’re not exactly trying to make your ex jealous here and whatever you do you should never announce to them that you’re dating but eventually they’re likely to find out and that will send them the message that you’re over them and you’re moving on. If they find out that you’ve started to date (let me stress that you should also never ask one of your friends to casually mention it to your ex in the hope of making him jealous) they might just start to think again about their decision. Dating will make you appear desirable yet unobtainable and that may well stir uncomfortable feelings within them.

 

Get out there and enjoy yourself

It’s really tough after a break up not to shut yourself away from the outside world and dwell on your misfortune but you can’t do that forever because it will not attract back your ex (if that’s what you’re after), it wont make you desirable to anyone new, it will start to alienate you from your friends and ultimately you’ll end up feeling more miserable than before. Of course you’re gonna be sad. You’ll be sad for a long time after the split but don’t wear that face in the outside world. You have to be responsible for your own happiness and one of the best ways to do this is to get out there, be with friends and family, meet new people, take up some hobbies, whatever! It will improve your self esteem and if your ex was always blaming you for their boredom, now that excuse has been taken away from them.

 

Stop needing them and fake indifference

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back. Scenario. They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

Don’t call them

At least don’t be the one to always initiate the calls. If they phone you it’s fine to answer and its fine to return calls but don’t be at their beck and call. Your ex might be happy for the two of you to slip into a friend relationship where they call you as much as they used to; you go out all the time but with none of the perks of a relationship. If that’s what you want, fine. If not, don’t settle. Depending on how much the two of you used to chat on the phone, cut it right back. If they’re calling every day of the week, only be available to talk once or twice a week and even then only for a short time. You can chat, be happy to hear from them and be interested in what they have to say but you have a life to lead so always be the one to wrap up the call with a simple “It was nice to hear from you but I’ve got to go” or “I’m just on my way out now, we’ll chat another time”. Something to that effect. If on the other hand they’re not calling you at all, just leave them be for the moment. In a few weeks if they’ve still not phoned, you might want to call them up for a quick chat to see how they are. Keep it brief and friendly and see how that goes.

 

Stop telling them you love them

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

Stop questioning them

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

Stop criticizing and complaining

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticise. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

Don't try to convince them to feel differently

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels.

 

Don’t give off the impression that you’re waiting around

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring!

 

Don’t bring up any relationship talk/break up talk

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

 

Don’t argue

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop attacking!

 

Try some new things

If you’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut in your life, now’s the time to get out of it. One of the reasons your ex may have left you is boredom. Everyone has things they’ve been putting off doing or have always wanted to do but have never had the time. Now’s the time to take action. Now your partner has gone you probably have that extra bit of spare time to try some new things and show your ex that you’re not as boring and predictable as they thought you were. It could be anything at all. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to drive, or learn a language or visit some far flung city or take cooking lessons. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you want to do. Your new found confidence that you’ve gained from your new skill/new experience will be alluring and you’ll find yourself having more to talk about which will make you more interesting too.

 

Tantalise, reassure, and worry

I got this tip from a really good break up book and I think it sums up everything I’ve just said perfectly. Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cosying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

 

Just don't contact your ex, and you won't do any of this, anyway.

[Nuala83]

Just don't contact your ex, and you won't do any of this, anyway.

 

Yes if you don't contact your ex you could dismiss parts of this advice. However this thread is intended for people who choose NOT to follow NC (for whatever reason that may be), who want to initiate reconciliation, and for those who want to pursue friendship but need to open up lines of communication first. It's not for me to judge wether or not that decision is wise. It may no be. But it's down to personal choice.

 

Different strokes for different folks!

[selena_cat]

. "In a few weeks if they’ve still not phoned, you might want to call them up for a quick chat to see how they are. Keep it brief and friendly and see how that goes"

 

 

I have to totalky didagree on that one, i read one of Cali Guy's post on NC,and he does say that if they havent phone you,dont call them.

Why chase? they have your phone number,they are the ones who broke it off,then it'll look like youre not waiting around for their calls.

I'm tryingt o practice wht i preach and its hard but the lastthing i want to do is chase him. I dont believe in total NC,i broke it, but guess what, keeping the lines of communication w/someone who definately and is adamant they are not interested is fustrating and dead end,any thoughts?

[Trialbyfire]

Do you know why sometimes, tactics work? It's because the other person wanted to get back together again, so no matter what you did, it happened.

[Nuala83]

I'm tryingt o practice wht i preach and its hard but the lastthing i want to do is chase him. I dont believe in total NC,i broke it, but guess what, keeping the lines of communication w/someone who definately and is adamant they are not interested is fustrating and dead end,any thoughts?

 

Good question. By the way, I didn't write the advice I just re worded it (summed up the jist of things) and posted it. I don't think phoning them up after you haven't spoken to them in a few weeks is chasing them. And if no matter what you do they show no signs of interest in you, yeah you probably should throw in the towel. But I think sometimes a bit of space and time does make people re-assess things and by not acting crazy and clingy you might get a possitive response. If you don't, what have you lost? You're already out there getting on with your life, enjoying friends and family, trying new hobbies, dating etc. By this time if you have no luck with your ex you'll hopefully be in a better place and less inclined to care.

[wow123]

I have to agree. I went NC after speaking a few days a week. She contacted me and I ignored for 3 weeks. I finally called back and I could see I created even more distance. I don't feel any worse by breaking NC. I did not beg, plead, or make my self seem needy. She actually told me she doesnt want to work things out right now and doesnt feel as though I need a definite answer right now because she knows that I am not just sitting around waiting for her.

[Nuala83]

It happens that i followed through on a lot of this and I am now back with my ex. I am not saying that it will always 'work' in getting your ex back and I don't believe that that should be anyone's intention when thrust into such a horrid situation. However, my partner and I did NOT go NC and I was still able to proceed with my life whilst talking to him. It was hard, and there were times at which I would force myself to smile even when my heart was breaking but it was worth it.

 

Monkeys,

 

I'd really like to know more about your story. How long did it take the two of you to work things out? Was he receptive to talking with you or did that take time also? You don't hear many stories on here from people who've reconciled with their ex's without breaking contact and I'd be intreagues to know more if you feel like sharing

[monkeys]

Hi Nuala,

 

No problem at all! We were split for all of three weeks. In actual fact I was the one who initially broke up with him, revoked the decision after a day and then he refused to get back together with me (effectively making him the dumper, after I had pleaded with him to give us another go).

 

At first I was devastated. I texted him relentlessly, I did all those things that everyone tells you not to - crying, telling him I love him, etc etc. Relinquishing a lot of pride. But then something in me kind of shifted - I think it was after reading a lot of the things written in this forum, and I was able to reflect on my own behaviour. I never changed my actions because I was trying to get him back. I simply texted him one morning and told him that I respected his decision and that no matter what, I wanted to remain friends and that he would always be a huge part of my life. He reacted VERY positively to this and we vowed to 'give friendship a go' (both of us being aware that this could result in endless complications, but that it was worth it nonetheless).

 

From that moment on, I decided, I was going to live my life in a way that did not entail him being its epicentre. I have wonderful and supportive friends, and I spent a lot of time with them (all the time I would ordinarily have spent with my SO). Now, he and I work very closely together (we are employed by the same company, but are based in different offices down the road from one another). Circumstances dictate that we must see each other at least once per day, and I decided that during that time I would be my most bright, my most witty, my most happy self. I was determined NOT to become the needy, 'psycho' ex, the one whose actions remind you of exactly why you chose not to be with them in the first place.

 

And he responded to that. We hung out on occasion, texted a fair bit (mainly lightweight in-jokes of which only he and I would have known the significance) and, despite the concern I had that he was having his cake and eating it, I resolved not to get caught up in emotion (or at least not let him SEE that) and go along with it. I told myself that I would carry on with it on the condition that it didn't become too painful. The thing is, in acting like I was happy and preoccupied, I began to feel that way - and thus the feeling of excitement to see him after we hadn't been together for a few days came to be genuine, outweighing the pain (which, don't get me wrong, still existed). My major outlet was talking to friends, to anyone else that would listen.

 

The turning point came when he was moving flats. The whole process was very messy and difficult, and he was under enormous pressure at the time. During this process I was there for him every step of the way, making sure that he was aware of it. I never once mentioned our breakup or what was going on with us during this time (it was becoming evident that we were slipping back into couple mode without acknowledging it) as I knew that he was not ready to confront it.

 

When he finally did ask me to get back together, I was hesitant. I didn't want him to ask me out of gratitude and I told him so. But he convinced me that that wasn't it, that he truely wanted to make it work, and that we could take it slowly and concentrate on making sure that we didn't fall into the same problems that broke us last time.

 

So that is my story. We have been back together for a week and it is going well. Of course it is still early days and I am still doing the same things I was doing during the breakup - living my own life and ensuring that I don't make everything about him. It is my belief that sometimes we tend to define ourselves by the relationship we are in, and once that happens we come to depend on said relationship to fulfil our ever need. This is highly problematic. No one person can ever fulfil the every need of another. The realization of this can at first be hugely disappointing and lead to arguments, etc...however if you can move past this impossible idealism, it is actually extremely liberating.

 

I am deeply in love with my partner but he is not the sole focus of my life. He makes it sparkle; even hearing from him makes my day that much better. But I refuse to rely on him for my inner happiness, and I think that that is the most important thing I have learnt from our breakup. We cannot control other people's actions, only our own. And in that sense you ARE in control.

 

Sorry to sound cheesy :-)

 

xx

[monkeys]

Please note that I am not advocating the Non-NC thing as a general rule or principle for getting back with your ex. When someone breaks up with you, it is the hardest thing in the world, but screw them if they don't want to be around your fantasticness. A hundred other people will/do.

 

Furthermore, every relationship is different, and only you can know the truth of your own circumstances. All I am saying is this: there are a lot of NC 'purists' that post in this forum and I can absolutely understand their logic. Particularly if you are the one being broken up with, you need to protect yourself. The important thing is moving on with your life and finding a sense of contentment that does not rely on, and is not derived from that other person.

 

IF you can do that and your ex comes back to you, that's wonderful. Make sure you don't simply take them back without thinking about the reasons you broke up in the first place. Make sure you have an open dialogue about it because I guarantee if you don't take measures to change certain behaviours, they will occur again and the relationship won't last.

 

Just a thought...

 

xx

[Nuala83]

Please note that I am not advocating the Non-NC thing as a general rule or principle for getting back with your ex. When someone breaks up with you, it is the hardest thing in the world, but screw them if they don't want to be around your fantasticness. A hundred other people will/do.

 

Furthermore, every relationship is different, and only you can know the truth of your own circumstances. All I am saying is this: there are a lot of NC 'purists' that post in this forum and I can absolutely understand their logic. Particularly if you are the one being broken up with, you need to protect yourself. The important thing is moving on with your life and finding a sense of contentment that does not rely on, and is not derived from that other person.

 

IF you can do that and your ex comes back to you, that's wonderful. Make sure you don't simply take them back without thinking about the reasons you broke up in the first place. Make sure you have an open dialogue about it because I guarantee if you don't take measures to change certain behaviours, they will occur again and the relationship won't last.

 

Just a thought...

 

xx

 

Good advice!

[Leveller]

. I dont believe in total NC,i broke it, but guess what, keeping the lines of communication w/someone who definately and is adamant they are not interested is fustrating and dead end,any thoughts?

 

My ex often said to me to break contact many times as she thought the relationship was DEAD but I fought for LC. As my other posts indicated LC allowed me to get to the point where she could see postive changes in me enough for her to say 'If you were like you are now we would never have finished'. The last time we spoke she wanted to keep in touch but I was the one to get out of the picture (spent regular time together and slept together eight times whilst she is with someone else) and initiate NC. It's breaking my heart not to see or speak to her!

[monkeys]

This is the thing: if you are going to do LC, you need to go into it aware of the risks and potential complications involved. There is always the risk that you are simply prolonging the healing process, that it could make it harder to move on. That said, you live and learn and everyone must choose for themselves.

 

Prior to my current SO, I went through an atrocious breakup which took me well over a year to recover from. After several months of trying to be friends, he eventually enforced NC and from then on that was it. To me it felt ruthless, like an addict going cold turkey - but at the same time the relationship was not meant to last and in retrospect I am grateful that he was strong enough to do what I could not. I recently had contact with this person. He was cold and uncaring, emotionally devoid. This breakup occurred over two years ago.

 

My advice to people going through a breakup is to make plans, to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do. During my last breakup, I joined the gym, enrolled in acting classes, dyed my hair a different colour for the first time in my life, and eventually emigrated overseas. This last one may sound a little drastic, but it was less reactionary to the breakup than it was to a lifelong desire to travel (although of course it would never have been an option were I in a relationship at the time). My point is, consider this an opportunity to do things for YOU. The healing will continue without your even realizing it. One day you wake up and it becomes clear that the thought of him/her no longer makes you ache in the way it once did. And then another day you wake up without thinking of them at all.

 

xx

[shine_on]

Its true! It works!

 

I pretty much followed this advise (although not intentionally to get my ex back) and this week I got an email from my ex saying that he still loves me!

 

Of course now I am so, so happy being single, so I don't really care that much but I do like the ego boost!

[Nuala83]

Its true! It works!

 

I pretty much followed this advise (although not intentionally to get my ex back) and this week I got an email from my ex saying that he still loves me!

 

Of course now I am so, so happy being single, so I don't really care that much but I do like the ego boost!

 

Good for you Shine on. How long had you been apart from your ex before you got the email telling you he loved you? I'm trying to use this thread as research

 

Oh and have you kept in contact with him throughout the breakup? That last one is important.

[shine_on]

Good for you Shine on. How long had you been apart from your ex before you got the email telling you he loved you? I'm trying to use this thread as research

 

Oh and have you kept in contact with him throughout the breakup? That last one is important.

 

We broke up at the end of March. We were long distance in the last 5 weeks of our 3 year relationship. So I haven't seen him at all and we spoke for the first time since the break up just two weeks ago, so about two months after we broke up.

 

After he dumped me, I sent one email saying thanks for the good times, keep in touch etc etc. He didn't reply to that one. He emailed me a couple of days after that just to see how I was, and he said that he was finding it tough but would get used to it. I ignored it and then he emailed five days later to say he was worried and wanted to know how I was and that he would call me. So he called me and I ignored. The same the next day an email and a phone call. I ignored.

 

So I finally replied to the emails two weeks later saying, everything was good, I just needed a little space so thats why I hadn't been in touch. And just kept it short, saying I was excited about summer and finishing my exams and those kind of light and positive things. I think I said that I would call him (but I never did).

 

He emailed me to say that he missed me a lot and he hoped that I would come back to Australia to visit. I replied two weeks later and said that I missed him too sometimes, that I had been meaning to call and organise the rest of my stuff to be shipped back from Australia. So he emailed back to say that he would call me tonight. So I took the phone off the hook, as I felt really nervous about speaking to him, and just couldn't face it.

 

He emailed me about two weeks later saying he had been trying to get in touch and could never reach me, and asked me to please call him. So I emailed him back to say that I would call him on 22nd of May when my exams finished.

 

On that day he called me (at 4am his time!!) and I ignored it. And I called him back two days later. We spoke for an hour and a half, just catching up and seeing what had been happening and he wanted to know whether I was seeing anyone. We never spoke about us, or the breakup or anything vaguely emotional (no I love you/I miss you) or anything about our relationship. It was really like old times, we were laughing and joking, it was like we never had split up in the first place! He even called me baby at one point! He asked me twice when I was coming back to Australia. When it was time to say goodbye, he sounded a little sad and like he wanted to say something but was holding back, so I ended the call with a breezy "see ya, nice to talk to you, take care" !

 

And then last week he emailed, and in the email he mentioned casually "I still love you" and he was asking again when I am coming back. I have replied, but not acknowledged the "I love you" bit.

 

So that is my long and boring story....sorry for rambling!

[wow123]

Although this method will prolong the healing process, it may be the only way to get back a lost love. It's a risk some of us are willing to take.