All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

I have alot going on in my head and i need to make some choices,unfortunately i have no one to talk too and i am hoping that everyone here can help me.please read my whole story before judging me,i am looking for good advice, i know i will hear that i am selfish,narcissitic a cake eater etc etc but i am hoping that some of you can see through all this and realize i am someone who needs help and offer me some good solid advice and help.i am someone who has held things inside all of my life, i never share my feelings and i just keep on truckin but i think its finally catching up to me in my head and i need help.

 

this is a long history so please bare with me...i have been very open and honest here and need some good advice.

 

ok here goes,i am a 36 year old man,married almost 11 years, with 3 children ages 9 1/2,6 1/2 and 4 1/2,i live in a seemingly(to the rest of the world,my wife and kids) perfect marriage.my wife is a wonderful loving person,she calls me honey and cant do enough for me,she cares and loves and is an amazing mother. she is all about family,i go to work everyday, support my family well, i do things to make my wifes life easier, i drive kids to school, i am an active loving father,coaching teams,swimming with kids and never missing anything of my childrens, i truly care about my wife,i like when shes happy and i feel like i take care of her, i do what needs to be done.

 

ok all sounds good so far, except for the fact that i am living a complete lie and i have been for most of my married life.i knew from day 1 that i picked the wrong woman,we are polar oppsites,we were raised as polar opposites, our families and parent are polar opposites,i married her at a time in my life when i was very needy,she was there and we fell in love, i thought i could be that picket fence,all about family,loving husband, this wasnt what i knew or how i grew up but i liked the thought and i said maybe this is what i need.

 

now here is the history,3 months into our marriage,my first time away from my wife, i was at a wedding and slept with another woman, i felt such tremendous guilt but i went home and never said a thing to my wife,life went on,there were trips to strip clubs here and there but sexually speaking i stayed trouble free, but i also was gambling on sports and i drained most of our wedding money, she caught on and confronted me and we worked through it,these were the early years and life continued to go on,we had our first 2 children and all seemed to be ok, i was doing the right things,i began to get feelings of boredom and eventhough i told myslef it was wrong one thing lead to another and i found the internet and what started out as cyber sex and phone sex ended up turning into an almost 4 year emotional affair with a local woman, i dont know if anyone had ever had an emotional affair but they are intense, you become consumed by this other person,they give you everything you are missing,its exciting,anyway me and this woman really hit it off to the point i could finish her sentences,we confided everything in one another and declared our love for one another,for fear of losing what we had we never wanted to meet but finally decided to do so,we met twice,she was all i thought she would be,we kissed immediately,i never slept with her and besides the kissing we really didnt do all that much else.at the same time gambling reared its ugly head again and my wife caught on to the gambling again,so now i am going through this and trying once again to save my marriage from gambling and this other woman basically asks me to leave my wife for her,i told her i couldnt do that and she became very upset,i was battling 2 fronts and needless to say it was very stressful, in the end i worked through the gambling issue again and regained trust, i never left her for the other woman and that woman ended up going her seperate way,my wife never knew about her and although 6 months later she resurfaced and the emotional affair briefly beagn again she is no longer in my life..i continued to try and be the husband i promised to and am supposed to be,i rebuilt trust and life moved on..

 

so i continued to play around and flirt on the internet,harmless, i mostly did it with people who lived far and it was really just keeping me occupied and out of what i considered real trouble..

 

but low and behold about a year ago i posted a profile on a website for married people who have affairs, i knew it was wrong and potentially dangerous but that didnt stop me,after answering a few ads etc etc, i met a woman who was local,she was just like me and in fact we had people in common,she was in a marriage with 3 children and supposedly she was just looking for sex but the things we talked about it was obvoius we both needed way more,we were both reluctant to meet but the connection was too great, we emailed everyday for hours, we really were getting to know one another and you guessed it another deep emotional affair had begun..but this time was different, 2 months in we decided to meet,the second i saw her we kissed,it was amazing, she was just as i dreamed.we continued on,emailing at crazy levels everyday,talking on the phone and being together if we could, yes we were sleeping together,we had a connection in every facet of the word. but there was no pressure and we both understood we were married and that wasnt going to ever change..this woman sparks me,she makes me feel alive,she gets me,she understands me, i look at her as the woman i should have married, so we continued on and emotinal became physical and emotial became deeper and deeper,we were there for eachother,we told eachother everything and anything, i was able to live my life but i was consumed by this woman, i thought about her all day everyday and craved to be with her...she in turn felt all of the same things and yes of course we fell in love, we began to say i love you and began to at least fantasize what life would be like together.

 

this continued on,we always had remorse and spoke about our spouses,she had alot going on in her marriage but was trying to make it work and i was just living 2 lives, finally last week,she said that she cant do this anymore, it was out of nowhere but not unexpected, she told me that she would never ask me to leave my wife but that she cant do it this way anymore, she said that if we were to be together it had to be the right way,she wanted to be able to hug me in public and be together all the time,she never would tell me if she would leave her husband for me because she said i would never leave my wife so whats the point but i assume she would leave ans she hinted at that.after many emails back and forth she said we need to go our seperate ways and figure this out, she said she dosent want to leave her husband and then end up resenting me, i dont think she beleives i would ever really leave my wife,she wants to work through it and see were it ends up, me on the other hand i fantasize about leaving my wife but i dont know if in the end i could get over the pain or guilt i would cause my wife and children.i am so unhappy

 

it has now been 2 days since we last spoke, i want to write her so badly but i havent,i have a pit in my stomach, i miss her so much, i want to be with her, i know that i can have her but all i have to do is leave my wife and 3 kids,but of course that is not so simple for me or i would have done it already, i have thought about telling my wife that i have been cheating on her and that i love this other woman and that i will take care of her and the children financially, that i will be there for the kids everyday of there lives as i always have been but that i can no longer live this lie, i can no longer forego my happiness for everyone else. but i can picture the hurt in my wife i will cause and my children and i cant do it.i am trying hard to just move forward and live the life i guess i am supposed too..

 

so my question is, am i supposed to just be unhappy but soldier on in this life,i keep repeating the same behaviors so something is wrong,do i leave my wife and kids and go with this woman who makes me happy and i can finally be myself,im walking around in a daze, i feel disconnected from my family life and all i think about is being free,finally being myself,i wonder if this making myself happier would benefit everyone involved..but at the end of the day the guilt and the thoughts of how shocked and devastaed my wife would be are too much for me to handle, yet on the other hand i say, she is living a lie too,i am not anything close to the man she thinks i am, it isisnt fait to her either... i know most here are pro marriage and i will be told to tell my wife about the affair and try to make marriage work, but in all honesty i know myself and if i stay in the marriage i will not tell my wife about the affair but i will just put on the mask and continue to live the lie, i will let a woman that i love walk away to save my wife and children from hurt..but then of course i wonder will this behavior just repeat itself again and will iwake up at 50 and say with even more regrets than i already have..please help me here, i am lost and confused.

[tami-chan]

NO, you are supposed to give your wife a chance to find a man worthy of her and you find your internet soulmate, whom you can be happy with.

[Owl]

You know that you'll never tell your wife the truth.

 

You know that if you remain married, you're going to keep doing this to her and your family.

 

So what do YOU think you should do here?

[NOTSURE7]

i understand what your saying,i know how unfair it is to my wife, i guess i justify it by the fact that because she has no clue and has no idea that i am living a lie and she is happy and the kids are happy that its all ok..i just cant get myself past the devastation i will cause,but on the other side i say i only have 1 life to live and is it fair for me to be so unhappy ,i think maybe if i can get a better understanding of how my kids and wife would be and i could fast forward a year it would help, but of course i cant.. feel so stuck.

[jwi71]

i understand what your saying,i know how unfair it is to my wife, i guess i justify it by the fact that because she has no clue and has no idea that i am living a lie and she is happy and the kids are happy that its all ok..i just cant get myself past the devastation i will cause,but on the other side i say i only have 1 life to live and is it fair for me to be so unhappy ,i think maybe if i can get a better understanding of how my kids and wife would be and i could fast forward a year it would help, but of course i cant.. feel so stuck.

 

You have all the freedom and options you wish to have.

 

If you want to continue living your unhappy life...then do nothing and keep living that unhappy life.

 

If you want to change your unhappy life then change something.

 

What are you willing to change?

[Owl]

You're right...no time machines available to let you see what the potential outcomes could be.

 

All you can do is base your best estimate on how it'll turn out off of the stories that you read here and other places.

 

And/or...you can base your actions on what you know is right.

 

So...what do YOU think you should do?

[confusedinkansas]

i understand what your saying,i know how unfair it is to my wife, i guess i justify it by the fact that because she has no clue and has no idea

 

Are you sure about that?

Are you positive she has no clue?

If you are as unhappy as you say you are here - I'd think she'd be picking up on that. Most women who tool along thru life & have happy marriages - notice when things aren't quite right. I can understand your fooling her in the beginning - she didn't have anything or any behaviors to go on. But now - You sound SO miserable. Don't you think she could pick up on this?

[whichwayisup]

You should leave your marriage, reguardless of what the OW chooses to do. If you're this unhappy, get help, seek counselling and figure it out. This is more than just cheating on your wife, seems you have some other issues that need to be dealt with, as well as the cheating.. Something is missing inside of you, and it's time to fix that but not by living a double life.

 

Your wife knows you and I'm sure she figures something is 'off' with you but she can't put her finger on it.

 

Please seek counselling, take your time, do some thinking before you decide to throw away your family..Again, do this because you want OUT, not because of the OW. Chances are, even if you left your wife this OW isn't going to leave her husband and all that she knows for the unknown..

[NOTSURE7]

to answer all responses so far..she has no clue about the affair she really dosent, strangely with all my past gambling and the things she knows about my family she dosent think i could or would ever do that to her and the kids,yes she does see things in me because as much as one tries to hide things they always shine through,especially now that i am consumed by what to do and racked with so many emotions,not to mention my sister is going through a diivorce in which her husband is leaving her for another woman so the topic comes up alot, but i still keep on going,there are times i just say this is my life make it work but in the end that pit keeps coming back and now that this other woman has left me and i know the only way i can have her is to leave my wife, the pit is really there, i cant focus but i will say lately she often ask whats wrong,what are you thinking about,is everything ok but my good moments seem to assure her that its nothing more than the economy,work,problems with my parents or upset about sisters divorce etc etc, i guess unfortunately i am good at deception, it is also right that i have all the options in the world and thats why i am here, i cant make a decision, but i think to myself if i knew my wife and kids would be ok, what would i do and the answer is i would leave and pursue happiness and when i say that i beleive its with this other woman but if she didnt work out,maybe happiness is living the life i want to live and not the one i am supposed to live,i feel trapped though and i made vows and i have responsibiliites and im trying not to devastate people,so here i am alone and trying to naviagte the waters..what i think i should do is be fair to everyone including myself but for some reason i cant seem to do it, everythime i think i can i see my kids or they do something loving or my wife talks about how much she loves her life and i just cant hurt them...but i dont know if i can live this lie any longer, i am so selfish and i know it.

[NOTSURE7]

thank you, that was good advice, yes you are right something is missing inside me, i know that too, i often say is it really the other woman or is it what she has shown me and what i know about myself, i miss the connection, i thought i had the connection with my wife and in a way we do but its all kids related, i hold back from her and allways have,yet i meet a woman on the internet and i tell her everyhthing and it feels good..i think its alot more than the other woman, its so hard for me to seek help because my wife would wonder why i was doing that.i do beleive this other woman would leave her husband but yet your right there are alot of unknowns on both ends, due to contraints we never really spent time together to know what life would really be like..but i do know that i have feelings for her that i have never felt, im trying to see where i should go with it, its hard for me to imagine that moment where i tell my wife,it just seems unbereable, i think its better to get caught and confronted but yet it also is better to be a man and maybe be honest for once in my life..im still all over the place as you can see..

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you should tell your wife the truth. Just as you've put down here.. Atleast changes will happen, either way.

 

Living a lie like this will catch up to you and it would be better for your wife to hear it from you, than someone else. Not that the OW would tell your wife, but who knows WHO has seen you with this OW.

 

Think about doing counselling to help you make a choice.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, the OW represents fantasy. All the good stuff, sexual tension, excitement, it's taboo and intense. She woke something up in you and made you really doubt what you DO have with your wife.

 

It'll hurt your wife more to find out on her own..Atleast if you tell her, it's the first HONEST step.

[PhoenixRise]

Evidently, you have had numerous opportunities to share a deep and passionate love with women other than your wife during the couse of your marriage.

 

If your wife is as wonderful as you say, she deserves to have the opportunity to have someone in her life who feels this way about HER.

 

Let her go. Tell her the truth about her life.

 

She had been dealing with your gambling and most likely she has noticed your pre-occupation and lack of interest in her, even if she didn't know there was an other woman in the picture.

 

You don't love her. You have said you have always known she was wrong for you. Let her go.

 

You THINK she is happy, but you don't really know. You have been consumed with another woman for a long time now. You can't be consumed with one woman and tuned in to the emotions of another all at the same time.

 

Trust that your wife can be much HAPPIER Give her the truth about her life. Let her find a man who is CONSUMED with HER. Let her find a man for whom gambling is not an issue.

[NOTSURE7]

honestly my wife wont find out about this, i am 100% sure the ow will not tell her as not matter what i would never say anything to her husband.i dont worry about her finding out from someone else because at this point it would have happened already and it wont happen, there are times i wish she would just to get the issue out there because to be honest i am a coward,i am so bent on keeping the status quo and not hurting anyone so i just continue to hurt inside, i have written 2 emails already to the ow just to get things going again but havent sent them and not sure i will,they really do no good because she is basically saying if you want me leave your marriage and then you can have me, she is being fair and never asked me to do this and never will,she will walk away before doing that.i guess because i miss her i want to keep the conversation going,its probably alot to do with my male ego.i have never been honest, not to myself,not to my wife and here i am saying all the right things but still not sure i will ever be honest

[NOTSURE7]

the gambling issue is well in the past,of course there is no guarentee it wont happen again but the trust and the recovery from the gambling issue is in the past, i agree with what your saying and she should not roll through life thinking life is grand when in reality its not.but honestly she is happy, i know this for fact, i put on a great magic act,i may be miserable inside but she really is happy.i think she may wonder from time to time whats going on in my head but she writes it off to work and the economy and i always have an excuse if confronted, i am not cocky or arrogant about this beleive me, i hurt inside,i hurt for my wife and kids and i am just trying to finally be honest with myself.

[PhoenixRise]

honestly my wife wont find out about this, i am 100% sure the ow will not tell her as not matter what i would never say anything to her husband.i dont worry about her finding out from someone else because at this point it would have happened already and it wont happen, there are times i wish she would just to get the issue out there because to be honest i am a coward,i am so bent on keeping the status quo and not hurting anyone so i just continue to hurt inside, i have written 2 emails already to the ow just to get things going again but havent sent them and not sure i will,they really do no good because she is basically saying if you want me leave your marriage and then you can have me, she is being fair and never asked me to do this and never will,she will walk away before doing that.i guess because i miss her i want to keep the conversation going,its probably alot to do with my male ego.i have never been honest, not to myself,not to my wife and here i am saying all the right things but still not sure i will ever be honest

 

 

Even if your wife doesn't find out, it doesn't make this ok.

If you are unhappy as you say and if you truly think she was wrong for you from day one then you are cheating your wife from getting the kind of love SHE deserves.

 

Some man out there will see your wife and think she is HIS dream come true. You are in the way.

 

You don't want to be faithful and you seem to think there is nothing in your relationship to rekindle with your wife because according to you, she was wrong for you from the start.

 

Yes, divorce is hard.

 

Yes there will be hurt feelings.

 

Yes your children will have to adapt.

 

No this is not fair to your wife or your children.

 

But the life you are living is toxic and if your wife and children ever DO find out about your double life the only thing you will have accomplished is to make your wife feel like a fool for wasting her life on a man who does not love her and to teach your children that the way to cope with unhappiness is to lie, cheat, and live a double life.

 

 

PS Chances are good she WILL find out. If she is asking questions, she knows something is wrong. Eventually, she may decide to take active measures to find out what is going on with you.

[NOTSURE7]

i fully know that it is wrong, i was just answering as to if my wife will find out,i dont think that if me and the ow continue not to talk that wife will ever find out but again thats not the issue, but in reading your post you say that if she finds out on her own its worse as she will feel like a fool but wouldnt she feel these same ways if i tell her?..i guess i am also battling whether i can change,maybe if i let the ow go i can finally change but yes your right i have clearly stated she isisnt right for me and i guess i am kidding myself that the behavior wont repeat again.i am trying to work this all out, i just dont know whether i should tell wife i cheated and im leaving, i cheated and i need help or just try and weather the storm and see if i can right the ship, something needs to give though because i am having a hard time keeping this charade up.

[PhoenixRise]

i fully know that it is wrong, i was just answering as to if my wife will find out,i dont think that if me and the ow continue not to talk that wife will ever find out but again thats not the issue, but in reading your post you say that if she finds out on her own its worse as she will feel like a fool but wouldnt she feel these same ways if i tell her?..i guess i am also battling whether i can change,maybe if i let the ow go i can finally change but yes your right i have clearly stated she isisnt right for me and i guess i am kidding myself that the behavior wont repeat again.i am trying to work this all out, i just dont know whether i should tell wife i cheated and im leaving, i cheated and i need help or just try and weather the storm and see if i can right the ship, something needs to give though because i am having a hard time keeping this charade up.

 

 

If you man up and TELL her the truth, then MAYBE she will at least be able to respect (in time) the fact that you eventually had enough integrity to be honest. Maybe she (in time) will see that YOU respected her enough to tell her the truth about her own life.

 

If she finds out on her own and you leave as a result how do YOU think she will feel about you and about her life with you?

 

AND think about this? If your marriage ends, which option do you think will give you the best chance to successfully co-parent with your wife? You telling her the truth or her finding out on her own.

 

I will say it again, don't underestimate the fact that your wife is ALREADY asking questions trying to figure out what is wrong. She could easily start digging to find out the truth.

 

If you ever loved your wife and was ever truly happy with her I would say that perhaps there is a possiblity that the marriage could be recovered and those feelings rekindled. But you say you have always know she was not right for you.

[NOTSURE7]

i understand and appreciate what your saying, i dont worry about her finding out, this is more about what i should do, 11 years produces alot of love and memories no matter if she is right or wrong for me,i am so torn on whether to blow this all up or not but i agree with you that if its done i need to be a man and tell her,i also dont disagree that she might eventually ask me harder questions if i continue to show that something is going on behind these eyes.i also agree that as far as co parenting that would be better, see i know i can still be a great dad if she and the kids will let me,but we are and i know this may sound funny a very close family, i may live a lie inside but on the surface i am a good dad and to an extent a good husband.

[OFGnomore]

i understand and appreciate what your saying, i dont worry about her finding out, this is more about what i should do, 11 years produces alot of love and memories no matter if she is right or wrong for me,i am so torn on whether to blow this all up or not but i agree with you that if its done i need to be a man and tell her,i also dont disagree that she might eventually ask me harder questions if i continue to show that something is going on behind these eyes.i also agree that as far as co parenting that would be better, see i know i can still be a great dad if she and the kids will let me,but we are and i know this may sound funny a very close family, i may live a lie inside but on the surface i am a good dad and to an extent a good husband.

 

I think you need IC. Tell your W you're depressed which you are and that it may be age related, mid life questioning stuff. So far from what I read this all seems true. I don't think the problem is necessarily deciding between the two women, I think it's deeper in you and from long ago the issues of falseness from your childhood. Figure this out or get a grip on this first before you make any life altering decisions. I'd forget about this other W for a while until you sort this out. Good luck.

[NOTSURE7]

i tend to agree with you,i know this is about me and always has been, i miss the ow but i am not sure if i miss her because of what she represents or i miss her because she is her...i am questioning that because if she was so right there wouldnt even be a decision to be made.that being said i am feeling a tremendous loss with her out of my days.but i still havent come to that conclusion where i say thats it i am ending my marriage, maybe its being a coward,maybe its just hard to do so most procrastinate or maybe i am trying to see if this is a marriage that has something before i destroy it, my wife and my children in the process..i am all over the place, here i am so upset about this ow but still not willing to end my marriage, i mean in reality if i want this ow i think i could have her by tonight if i go home and tell my wife,but i dont seem willing to do this, i guess i am hoping time will help me sort this out, yes i think someone to talk to would be helpful, i have held things in and handled everything my whole life by myself.thats how the gambling came back to get me too,i got deeper and deeper because i didnt want my wife to have to worry or find out,as far as deeper and from long ago, yes i think this is alot about me and i am also repeating the behaviors of my father, he gambled and taught me early on and although he and my mother are still married, i found out in my early in my adult life he was cheating on her,i dont know the details but i know something was there.

[PhoenixRise]

i understand and appreciate what your saying, i dont worry about her finding out, this is more about what i should do, 11 years produces alot of love and memories no matter if she is right or wrong for me,i am so torn on whether to blow this all up or not but i agree with you that if its done i need to be a man and tell her,i also dont disagree that she might eventually ask me harder questions if i continue to show that something is going on behind these eyes.i also agree that as far as co parenting that would be better, see i know i can still be a great dad if she and the kids will let me,but we are and i know this may sound funny a very close family, i may live a lie inside but on the surface i am a good dad and to an extent a good husband.

 

 

No one on an internet forum can really tell you what to do about your marriage. I am sure that in 11 years of marriage there have been some good times and a lot of love. I am sure that you and your wife have built a life and a family that you are both proud of. However, none of this has been enough for you to stay out of emotional and physical affairs with other women. For you, your wife has never been the one.

 

I wonder why you married her at all.

 

I believe that some marriages can successfully recover from infidelity. My marriage is recovering.

 

In your case though... do you think you can be faithful to your wife? Do you think you can love her? Do you think you can have the emotional connection you describe having with your OW with your wife? Do you think you can respect her?

 

Your wife deserves the opportunity to have someone in her life who loves her and who is not pretending with her while longing for someone else.

 

I would not want any man to martyr himself to be in a marriage with me. To me, Martyrdom is not sexy at all.

 

Is your wife the kind of woman who would want to be in a marriage with a man who doesn't want to be with her?

[NOTSURE7]

its funny i think back and wonder how i got here, i think i did fall in love with her,she was what i needed at the time,i knew she wasnt what i was accustomed to and that she was a polar oppsite but she offered me safety and security, then it all began and we had kids,bought house,built business etc etc and now i am here 11 years later.all my past indiscretions havent bothered me but this one is,i cant shake it and i know i have to one way or the other, i also as previusly mentioned am watching my sister go through a divorce with a husband who basically did exactly what i am doing,only difference is he is leaving her for the ow.i am trying hard to see if i can be faithful to my wife,i dont think i can keep doing this because even after this ow rides off into the sunset i could easily be back here again someday with a new ow.it has to end one way or the other.you are right, my wife deserves someone who loves her and only her,you say martyr, the first woman i was with used that exact term in describing me,she said you are martying yourself to take care of everyone but you, she was mad.i dont beleive that knowing the circumstances my wife would want to be with a man who doesent want to be with her, i dont think she beleives in divorce but i also dont think that if she knew what goes on behind these sad eyes she would want that either.

[NOTSURE7]

thought you all might find this interesting, this was from the ow in response to what i said about things going on in my head, like i said she knows me.

 

I know what's going on in your head. You married the wrong girl. But you have a family, she adores you and you don't want to hurt her. You want someone like me to help you get through this marriage and life that you are so unsatisfied with. But, no matter how bad it is, you aren't going to jump ship. You fantasize about it, but the reality of it is too much to bare.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know what's going on in your head. You married the wrong girl. But you have a family, she adores you and you don't want to hurt her. You want someone like me to help you get through this marriage and life that you are so unsatisfied with. But, no matter how bad it is, you aren't going to jump ship. You fantasize about it, but the reality of it is too much to bare.

 

I don't understand what makes your wife so unattractive to you.

 

Is she ugly? Stupid? Not interested in sex? Fat? A bitch?

 

What does it mean when you say you are polar opposites?