She said, "i don't think we are meant for each other"

[mewbomb]

First off I would like to say this is my 1st post! Although... that would be nice if I didn't have my problemo.

 

I guess I should start with a little background. My and my girl(K) were together for 7 months after meeting over the summer. She had a part time job as a "beer girl" and was a teacher during the year. At the time i was unemployed...(whole other story) . We were together for a while and we seemed to talked and get along really well. We fell deep in love.

 

About two months into the relationship she wanted to break it off. For no reason really, she suffers from depression and "thought" we weren't right. Ok...fine. But we worked through it stayed together. Got stronger. And continued our relationship.

 

Fast forward to now. We still get along well with the usual bickering between couples but nothing special. One thing i did realize is that she didn't like the fact I couldn't "get along well" with her sister. (whom she lives with) But that shouldn't stop a relationship...should it? Now..

 

Christmas comes and everything goes great. Stayed at her folks, got along well, parents liked me and I even got along with sis. That was a good step in the relationship but then comes new years. We didn't really want to do much and she decides she wants "sis" there. I wasn't so happy about it but ...whatever......

 

So my question is this. She comes out with this "i don't think we are meant for each other ...crap...and decides she needs time apart!... needs time alone... I WAS SHOCKED! She won't answer my calls or call me or even email. Granted i didn't tell everything here but...we love each other very much....... and care so much about each other.

 

Should i continue to try and contact her....its killin' me not to hear from her or anything! please... help

 

The last time we talked was after i sent flowers and cards and poured my heart out. She said please don't...it will make it harder??? Im thinking of showing up at her door for closure to this mess! Im angry, hurt, confused and don't know what to do...any help is greatly appreciated!!!

[Tony T]

Don't show up at her door...don't email her anymore...don't send her flowers, snail mail, gifts or make any contact with her whatsoever.

 

Right now, to her you are a lovesick wimp for whom she has little respect. Furthermore, you are an irritation and an annoyance.

 

You will need to turn this around and get strong...BE A MAN!!! You do this by following the advice in paragraph one. This lady probably really cares about you but my guess is that you have sickened her by being so nice and being her shadow. The poor lady needs some space.

 

You probably won't understand what I'm saying here and you'll suffer many years of the same thing happening to you until you wise up. But I an on my knees begging you to back off big time. You don't need closure here...I have given it to you above.

 

Once she doesn't hear from you for a week or two (maybe sooner), it will drive her out of her everyloving mind. That's when she will contact you. At that time, be nice but not overjoyed. Don't beg her back. Just listen to what she has to say and then kindly let her know you've got to get back to what you were doing.

 

She'll call back, I promise.

 

You've got a tremendous amount of damage control to do here. Never, ever squirm when a woman says she needs to get away from you. The cooler you are, the more you're OK with it, the more dumbfounded they become and the sooner most will come running back.

 

And stop being so nice, so available and such a love wimp. Women want a challenge and a man who doesn't kiss their ass. Stop it!!! Where did you learn this technique anyway...not from anyone who was successful in romance I'm sure...or maybe they just didn't communicate with you effectively.

[mewbomb]

it might sound like im wimpy...but to be honest...only after she did that was i like this...

 

It seemed that i wasn't giving enough attention to certain things so im trying to make it some of it up now... your right though... Im not going to call or do anything but like my post says....im not working..."Yet"(interview tom)

 

Ok...so you give too much...they go away... you dont give enough..they leave... ???????

 

I guess she will call and hopefully sooner or later...because im sure you won't believe me but I will prob. find someone to replace the "pain".

 

NO MORE CALLS>NO MORE EMAILS>NOT GOING TO SHOW UP!!Which i was going to until you said so... guess I have to give up?

 

My problem is... is there someone else?? She says no! do i believe it? I trust her dearly but..... thanks for the advice

[Tony T]

You don't have a problem....this is business as usual.

 

There is no good reason to panic when the wrong person exits from your life. That's a good thing. If she returns fine but if she doesn't it's no reason to get all bent out of shape.

 

There are millions of women out there for the taking but the only way you're going to get one of them is to find the right one...and be the right one.

 

Chill out and stop worrying. It's OK if you're by yourself for a while. It's really no big deal.

[mewbomb]

Im really trying hard not to call. There is a lot going on right now and I would love to talk to her.

 

Im supposed to not call. I know. But how do i go about doing that when im alone?

 

Its really sad to me that she is still always on my mind. I can't make my self crazy over this and I think i need something to get me out. Like a reason for the breakup...a real one... or something.

 

Please help. I want to call but came here first.

[Tony T]

Exactly what did you want by coming here. For us to tell you to call her? I wouldn't do it. There's no purpose.

 

But if you think you can't live without giving her a buzz and hurting yourself further, knock yourself out!

[mighty bop]

This is all very sad.....be strong man!!

[mewbomb]

Your right when you say I would probably hurt myself further but, couldn't you understand the feeling of wanting to call.

 

My point is that there was no "concrete" reason for the break up. Either I need something like, I have someone else, or ....something....

 

But without anything to that effect I am left hanging. Of course i get the hint by her not answering my calls. But I think she is being cowardly by not answering.

 

I agree with alot of what you said. How long can I go on not knowing what happened? I dont want it to ruin what im doing in the future. I really do miss her and came here for some help....

[mewbomb]

let me ask you a question... i was writing about (k) who would not answer my calls and you said dont call, dont write, dont do anything.

 

Of course this is your opinion and I agree as this is day 2 of not calling or writing. Now my problem is this isn't helping me at all.

 

I know it will drive her crazy that i am not calling. But when? How long? WIll she ever call? If she has gone this long will she ever call me back?? If she doesn't, im guessing i should just leave for good???

 

Please help me here... I dont know where else to turn for help on this one. Im 29 and my friends say i should show up at her door after a few days of her not calling. As much as i want to ...im not sure. If i go there there could be someone else there....which might be what i want to hear and see... I dont know...

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated!!! really!!!!!!

[Tony T]

So what if she never calls you until the end of the world??? Doesn't that give you just a bit of a message??? Are you in business to force yourself onto everybody you happen to want to be around??? Can't you take just a little bit of a hint???

 

This lady has made it pretty clear she wants you to back off. So why don't you do so??? Making a pain in the ass of yourself will get you nowhere. Get a little self respect and resume your life.

 

Take it from somebody who's been exactly where you are more than just a few times. Chasing women who want nothing to do with you is a dead end. And, on occasion when you actually catch them, you end up regretting it for a very long time.

 

Just let things happen where they may. If you were meant to be with this lady, you will be with her. Stop trying to force yourself on the world because the world will win EVERY time.

 

Go find something else to occupy your time!!!

[mewbomb]

I have been here before as well. The only difference is now i dont know if she really wants to be without me....forever.

 

Your right about getting something to occupy my time but to be honest. Its is very very cold here and its hard to just go out and do something.

 

When im in the house the phone is beckoning. But you are right. Why would i want to force myself on her. I don't really want to force my self on her. I would like some answers so i can walk away. You know what i mean? Tell me your dating someone or you don't want to ever talk to me again.

 

Why not answer the calls? I just don't get it and really do thank you for answering my sickening posts. But..like you said. I guess you were there and know how much a pain in the ass calling can be.

 

Any further insights or advice is surely welcome from you tony!

[Tony T]

If she calls, yes, go ahead and answer but keep the call short and don't talk about the two of you unless she brings it up.

 

And for what reason are you needing answers in order to walk away??? If you really care about this gal, why do you want to put her on the spot...or make her lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings. People stay away from other people BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THEM...there, there's your answer. Deal with it.

 

Yes, I know it's painful and I've had to sustain that kind of pain a dozen times. But I stubbornly refuse to go to somebody who doesn't want to be with me so they can hand me a line of BS...or, worse yet, tell me the truth...that I don't meet the standards of a guy they want in their life.

 

Move on, friend.

[mewbomb]

so you have been there.. i guess you know how i feel then. Your right about not talking about us if she calls. Thats if!!!!

 

Anyways....its been a few days (4th)that i havn't called. And she hasn't either.

 

Tony, I know she loves me, is it possible that she is not sure. Is it possible we will get back together. Im not really sure that she doesn't want me. And to be honest. I know when i am not wanted.

 

I feel as if there are outside forces/people involved. I just wish she would follow her heart and not some jealous gf or sister for that matter. I appreciate all of the advice you have givin.

 

How long is too long??? Of course i miss her and want to go there right now but i know its wrong. I mean. If i have a strage feeling driving over there. Thats a bad sign and right now thats the way i feel.

 

Nothing i can do right now to change anything so i guess i will just take what comes. Is it wrong to want her to feel like she made a big mistake....or is this normal???? Im hurting really bad but yet.... i don't know that i wouldn't take her back!!!

 

thanks for anything you can add.....................

[Swamp]

Your post made me register just to save your ass! I read these boards because I have just gone through a nasty break up. Today is officially 2 months we have been broken up. I never thought id say it but I feel a whole hell of a lot better than I did before. I was in a sickening amount of pain. A brutal cringing migraine headache giving amount of pain. I was destroyed from the inside out.

 

MY BIGGEST MISTAKE WAS WHAT TONY IS TRYING TO KEEP YOU FROM DOING!!!!!!!!!!

 

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVE HEEEEEEEEEERR ALLLLLLLOOOOOOOONE!

 

DO NOT CALL HER! DO NOT WRITE HER! AND DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT UNDER ANY GOD GIVEN SINGLE SOLITARY CIRCUMSTANCE SHOW UP ON HER DOOR STEP UNANNOUNCED! THATS WHAT I DID.

 

I went to get my things and hoped to talk it out and reconsile right? Well.. she was all depressed and quiet and what not for a while. Bawling her eyes out... hugging me. Everything. Yeah.. then she came to her senses and realized I just showed up on her doorstep without warning. She to this day holds that against me. She said I frightened her. She knows I am the most harmless person on the face of the Earth but I lost about half of the respect she had for me by doing that. Calling her reinforces that she made the right decision. Showing up on her doorstep reinforces that she made the right decision. Emailing her, writing her post it notes, calling her friends, showing up at a place you know shell be at.

 

THAT ALL REINFORCES THAT SHE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!

 

LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You HAVE GOT to move on and learn from this ALL you can. She doesnt need to give you closure. You sitting there pressuring her for a direct answer will just piss her off more, or like Tony said, will make her be brutally honest and just rip into your ass with how you arent the type of guy she wants. Followed by reasons why you arent, and what her "perfect guy" will be like. There probably is no real reason that she split from you man. She probably feels like you are holding her on some pedestal and being some sissy ass that needs her. NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS to a girl until she is sworn into life long soldierhood for you. You have got to be the man! You gotta be the fighter with the strong heart and the eyes of William Wallace! Right now you are some nagging 5 year old crying for a lollipop.

 

I AM BEGGING YOU! Not only should you NOT call her. But IFFFF she ever does call you? Play it off like you dont even care. Dont discuss you 2 unless she does. And for God sakes dont let her know that you are happy she called.

 

LEAVE HER ALONE! I AM BEGGING YOU!

[mewbomb]

Everyone is right about not going there.

 

Well... unfortuanetly i broke down and called!!!!!!!! That makes me mad on one hand... but on the other hand, I got a lot of crap off my chest that was really bothering me. I also had a few questions that were "somewhat" answered.

 

I also did not beg or complain about getting back together. I even said to her that i don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. She told me that she still needs time to sort her own life out and still doesn't think it will work. Fine. Now i can at lesat leave her alone. I told her how i thought and she listened. Thats really all i wanted. What I also did get from this is that she wants to keep in touch.(which i don't know if i can do)

 

I have a plan that is going to make or break this whole thing. Im sure i will get ripped apart by the board to this idea. Honestly, all of the information and advice everyone gives is great...but you all...(as well as I) know that everone's relationship is differnt and so are the people. Correct me if im wrong?

 

Now...as for the plan. I might as well say it. You all think im crazy for all of this anyways but if you only knew her....whew....shes interesting to say the least. Well... I WILL NOT phone or stop by until i decide to ask this. Valentine's day is coming up soon...girls are suckers for that... She said she wants to stay in touch and get together to talk sometime soon.

 

I will ask her to a nice dinner and see what happens from there. Of course...the romantic that I am, I will prob bring flowers, if she says yes. If she says no, then im gone for good. It will suck bad...worse than before....but i don't care anymore. Im not waiting and wanting anymore after that!!! period...

 

ehem... um...tell me what you think!!

[barry]

Don't give her the satisfaction. If you do reconcile over your valentines dinner it will be very short lived.

Trust me , been there. You have the chance to walk away with some self-respect, and to set these girls straight for all us men who made this mistake.

 

barry

[Swamp]

Agreed 100%.

 

Plus that is almost a month away!

 

You could spend that month trying to loosen your grip that you have on hope. Recovering. Moving on!

 

You are gonna sit here and build up this hope for getting her back for the whole month. Planning out every single detail. Every response to every comment she makes. No man. Back off.

 

Let her come to you. It may take a couple months even. But you gotta understand.. that is not very long. I know its like "a couple months and shell be completely over this." NO! You have GOT to stand your ground.

 

The simple fact that Valentines Day is around the corner will make her soften up a bit. Then the fact that you havent contacted her will make you that much more mysterious to her. It may even drive her crazy. DONT F***ING CONTACT HER!

 

NO CONTACT! You are setting yourself up for nothing but a loss of respect for yourself, a loss of respect for you from her and a big giant devastating let down. Just back off man. Follow the no contact rule.

[Swamp]

You should get online and look up the stages of loss.

 

You are in the early stages of loss where you make incredibly stupid decisions. You have got to accept this loss and learn from it.

[mewbomb]

I guess it was a dumb decision to even call today. What was i thinking. As much as i thought i felt better.

 

Its understood that I can spend this next month getting over it and not planning any of that crap. So... your saying the no contact thing. OK... I know that the valentines day thing would be a bad idea.

 

So where it stands now... doesn't look good

I guess all i have to do now is wait... and wait...and wish...and wait... yeah..

 

That sounds like fun if you ask me. She said the friends thing and I said its either all or nothing... i guess that might make her think. All i know is... I told her all that i felt...mostly. I didn't beg her back just gave her some things to think about..

 

How is a woman who claims to be in love so willing to not contact. AAHHHH...... Maybe if i could wait...like she said it is still a fresh wound. The thing i don't understand is how she says its SSSSOOOOOOOO hard for her. I don't want to hear that...its her decision. I love you miss you...wtf... i just don't get it.

 

Welll... ill keep you posted, for now im going to have no contact for a while!

 

Any help guys...or those other ones for that matter!

[barry]

Tell her you have enough friends. If you want ANY chance in the future DO NOT CONTACT HER!!!!! If you don't I gaurantee she will be back, it might take a month or two but she will call. When she does play like you dont even care.

 

Any other action puts you on the option list for her , and thats where you dont want to be.

 

Even better yet , tell yourself **** it! it's over move on and find another.

 

good luck

 

barry

[mewbomb]

im gonna do my best not to contact her...hopefully she will do so first...

 

Option list? man...i want none of that....

 

You say you guarantee she will be back...what makes you say that. Experienience...or what i have posted and how she reacts?

 

Because like i said, everyone is different. You know this? Honestly...i don't want another right now...that would be rebound and lord knows how that works out.... anyways..

 

I guess i can wait...blah blah blah... i guess if she really cared... she would call or something... this sux... i thought i had it right... guess not

[Swamp]

I promise you man.. you are making insanely irrational decisions and thoughts right now. You are still stuck in the worse part of a break up. The fresh, confusing, hurtful, shocking, mind boggling, rejected, hopeless, depressed stage. It gets better man. Trust me. Even if you cant possibly comprehend it ever getting better; you have GOT to trust me on that atleast. Not even a month ago I was emotionally destroyed from head to toe. Im like 5000 times better.

 

Give it some time. She may be back if you dont contact her. She may not. Most people would tell you it invariably brings them back if you just lay off. But if I promised you anything it would make you cling on to hope that you shouldnt cling on to.

 

You need to seriously feel out every single emotion, talk to every single friend until they cant handle it anymore, trash everything that reminds you of her, buy yourself a bunch of new cds and some new clothes, and move on.

 

Dont wait and wish. Its so much easier said than done and I promise you that you will be the one giving advice on this site after a little time. For now... just feel how you feel. But you CANT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CALL HER. NO CONTACT.

 

NO CONTACT!!!!!

 

A good way to put your situation in perspective is to read all the other posts and situations on this board. It will make things visible that you are too confused to see right now. Trust me.. you are insanely confused right now to your own situation.

[badz2801]

Hey man

 

I was just checking the board when I ran across your post.

 

I was just in your situation six months ago and the advice I can give is listen to the people on this board.

 

I know your thinking about how much you love her and how you cannot go on without her, but you can. I made the mistake of following my ex and it got me no where. She was my first and very important to me. I figured well if love is true, then I should be able to make her come back by showing her my love. Not the case at all. Often I found that my love for my ex blinded me to the reality of the situation. I give 110% loyalty to my girl friends and I expect the same in return. Do not call (calling means she is in control and your on her "options" list). Think about it...if your in this situation your most likely already on her options list. People who really care for one another and who are mature do not pull this kind of crap.

 

In all honesty you should just walk on man. These are the kind of games that most women play around my campus. Don't stand there and take it because six months from now your going to be totally different. You wont view her as this goddess. You will remember all the BS you put up with and get pissed for the patience you showed. Don't get me wrong there are times you will miss her more than anything, but you just have to move on and not contact her. When she does contact you....don't let your feelings sucker you into the I need you feeling. Try and act like you don't care and play with her however you like. Just remember what comes around goes around.

 

My ex did not try and come back until the 4 month mark (she did not get too far). There is no reason to believe that she will come back at all. There was also probably no real good reason for her to leave. Don't waste time looking for it. I looked for months and it never came. You should ask your self these questions. But after time off..do you really think you can trust this woman? Do you really think she cares that much for you? Do you really love her? If you really love her then you should let her go. I know that sounds insane, but you can't make someone love you. If your love is true you will be at peace in knowing she is happy without you. (yes that is optimistic point of view for this situation.)

 

 

Never chase busses or women, because you always get left behind.

In the words of Blake "Hoz be trippin...."

[mewbomb]

well...let me just say...

 

i have been in a thousand relationships and when i did call yesterday i was calm about it.

 

She even said, "man, your good" ...but...thats it for now. No contact and i bet that ***** will be back. You know what, i don't even know if i would take her back.

 

Like you said, I don't know if i would take her back. But, I tried to leave it at the point that if someone comes into the picture on either side. That is it .....forever. I hope she got the hint. Because that is really how i feel.

 

Anyways... i must say that i appreciate all the help here. You guys might think that...yes...this guy is a total a@@ but your not really right. I was just making peace with my self calling her. I think im "good" now in the fact i don't need any more contact. if she comes back, she comes back.

 

I miss her really bad but if she doesn't want to be with me then f it. It hurts alot and all of that but i will have to move on.

 

She will regret this decision. Im sure of it.

 

Thanks everyone and as much as you think im goin nutz over this. You will see it will all work out for the better.

 

Thank you everyon for your advice and I hope that my experiences will help anyone else.

 

Thank god for the internet!!!!!!!!!!! lol....take care and I will keep everyone posted if i don't forget about posting here.

[Ally Boo]

I may be way off here, but you scare me. I had a bf who was like that...we broke up and he didn't give up, and the harder he ran towards me, the faster I ran away from him. His "freaking out" and lack of respect to me, made me feel like he really didn't care about me, made me feel like he was unstable, and made me feel guilty for asking him to respect my needs. I didn't really have the intention to never be with him again, til he showed those colors. And frankly, I want a man who is strong, respectful, and doesn't try to make me feel guilty for telling him my needs and asking him for his support.

 

Dude...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! I know this will do no good to tell you this, bc you sound obsessed, but seriously, if you truely care about her, why dont you respect her wishes and leave her alone and let her come to you.

 

LOVE IS NOT ABOUT HOW YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT THEM....ITS HOW YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT THEM IF THAT'S WHAT THEY NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Why dont you guys understand this?