Update and Hello

[samprez]

Hello my friends. Wanted to drop in and share some thoughts on my affair, my recovery and a quick thank you. The thank you first. I appreciate the ability to have visited this site as I was crashing back earlier this year. As much as the advice was welcomed, I can tell you that having a place to escape was invaluable. Much appreciated.

 

As I look back on my life over the past year and some months it's really hard to believe that I was involved with the OMW the way I was. Yet as I'm going through the very real process of disengaging, it's not hard to see how things spun out of control. The reality is that she and I made choices that each lead us further down the path towards the relationship. There were several points along the way when either of us could have said NO and we opted to continue. Clearly we both owned the development and actions that occured in our relationship. I have spent the summer going through what my IC calls triggers. These triggers are natural and they are allowing me to now relive the beginning of the relationship versus the end that was so prevelant when I came to visit here.

 

She and I were behaving very poorly and without much regard for either of our families. It's interesting to me that in her last few communications with me she seemed to have blamed me for the things that happened; yet, with hindsight being 20/20, we were both totally to blame for what happend. Ironically, I'm convinced that she's laid the entirety of this at my feet and has conveniently forgotten the depth to which she was inolved too.

 

For those that think no contact means you can't think of things, you are very wrong. If we are not actively thinking about why, what, who and when you are not human. I was involved in a very real relationship that sustained its own set of drama's, ups and downs. I think what is particularly bothersome now is the amount of personal information we shared with each other about our lives. I suspect that if my wife or her husband knew what we each know about them, they would be further destroyed by what happened. (By this, I mean the specifics of little conversations...things that were just said, not easily defined).

 

No contact has been in place since February with a brief, necessary exchange several months ago. It's helped me distance myself, but I do have this feeling that there are things I need to say to her regarding my own behavior, the damage I've done to my wife and the damage her husband received. I've been engaged in some serious self loathing and I remain AMAZED that people who claimed to have such serious deep love for each other can simply turn in opposite directions and disappear. It's good, but amazing.

 

I've tried to deal with this realistically. My IC thinks I need to forgive myself, but I can't, not yet. I know that my wife has been spectacular in dealing with this, but I can feel and see the hurt in her all of the time. It never goes away. I wonder if it ever really does. Deeply hurting someone else is something that changes a man.

 

I'm totally changed. I've not really been happy since this all started a year ago and I fear that finding that elusive clarity I seek is way off. Yet, I keep fighting every day.

 

What us humans can do to one another huh?

[Spark1111]

Samprez so good to hear from you again!

 

The road to recovery is painful, but worth the effort.

 

My WS is also dealing with this; the million steps taken to cross that line.

He, too, is finally allowing himself to see how he not only hurt me, but the OW too, to keep those euphoric feelings coming.

 

He has also begun to allow himself to let the halo slip from her head, and to express resentment for her role in fueling the feelings. All normal, and yes, painful.

 

There have been many wonderful post here at LS lately, and I hope you get the chance to read and reflect on them.

[samprez]

Spark, thanks for the note. Meant to get back to this sooner. I understand what you WS is going through. I have taken so much of the guilt and ownership of what happened on my shoulders; that I have to remind myself sometimes how much of what happened the OMW owns. As a matter of fact, she owns quite a bit of this; or at least her half of this 100%. The funny thing is that knocking that person off of the pedastal is easier said than done. Intellectually you get it; but emotionally it's a harder disconnect.

 

In other words, we were both equally guilty of everything associated with the affair but in my head I had built this up to include me as the aggressor and her as the victim; but not the case. As I've gone through my triggers and remember her behavior and her desires as this thing got started, I am reminded of what she did and how she took the risks to have this relationship happen. It's helpful to go through this because it makes my stomach churn.

 

Make sense?