i am so close to snapping

[ryepatch]

it's been 2 1/2 months, it's been six weeks since we even spoke. i try to do NC but i break down. i lost not only my lifepartner but my best friend, all my friends in town. i can't find a job, am losing the will to keep looking. i just can't concentrate. i haven't even showered for two days. i have no interest in eating, shopping, i can't concentrate on watching TV even, let alone reading something. it's 106 degrees and i have no air conditioning. i'm smoking upwards of two packs a day and can barely breathe but can't go ten minutes without a cigarette. i'd been exercising and looking for a job and trying to meet new people online but i'm losing the will. i've been trying to imagine living my life without her for 2.5 months and i haven't had a single second where it's doesn't make me want to end it then and there. so i concentrate on the hope that she comes back. if i was in contact with her, there'd be hope no matter how nasty she was.

 

i'm staring into a black hole.

 

well intentioned people will tell me that i'll get over her someday, but that makes me want to die. the only thing that helps is when people says she loves you, she'll come back. but then i get paranoid they're just saying that to not totally destroy me.

 

we have such a beautiful relationship, and i'm such a well-adjusted person normally, totally fine spending hours or days by myself. our lives were on an upswing, i was going to go back to college at a great school (Tulane), we were going to finally have two cars, leave this city that we hate and start a new phase in our lives. she says she still loves me, but she's not coming back. her entire personality, value system is gone. everybody says its temporary, it's either a manic phase (she may be bipolar) or a midlife crisis. there's no OM or OW. she says she doesn't want a relationship with anyone, can't handle it, just wants to do as much acid as possible. and then i hear she's been talking to a "friend" of ours who's trying too convince her she's an indigo child and she should look into astrology. she's getting lead into deeper waters. my wife is normally an intellectually rigorous, skeptical person, not someone to believe in that kind of stuff.

 

(hope i didn't step on anyone's beliefs there, i'm just saying it's totally unlike my wife to even consider that stuff. normally she believes in art and peace and love. she always compares us to john lennon and yoko ono. that's our model for who we want to be.)

 

i can't go on any more like this. our anniversary's in a couple weeks, and if she blows that off. . . all i can think to do is to file for divorce, and see if that makes her take this seriously. it's the last thing i want to do, but i just don't have any other cards up my sleeve, and i can't go on like this anymore. i just need a good hug, that would help. i'm so alone, our cats are just miserable waiting for her to come home.

[redblack66]

 

 

i can't go on any more like this. our anniversary's in a couple weeks, and if she blows that off. . . all i can think to do is to file for divorce, and see if that makes her take this seriously. it's the last thing i want to do, but i just don't have any other cards up my sleeve, and i can't go on like this anymore. i just need a good hug, that would help. i'm so alone, our cats are just miserable waiting for her to come home.

 

Look at my thread. I was where you are. The only thing I regret is not

filing for divorce immediately. In my case it has been two years. It is still

VERY hard and lonely, but keep going.

[JLT123]

so very much in your place my friend.. wish we could sit and have a beer together

[happylife]

I wish i could give youa hug.

You need to get some help, please go to your doctor to help you through this.

I think finding a job will be the biggest help as you will get back your self esteem, have a reason to get up in the morning etc, and interact with people. Whatever it is, do anything to be working and feel valued.

If you want her back i'm sorry to say you need her to want to be with you and you have painted a gloomy picture. Even if its a faulse act then act confident, happy and as if you are getting your life back on track. Believe me there is nothing more sexy and attractive than a confident man you have a life that i want to be part of, and nothing less desirable than a man who is lacking confidence and does not care of his appearence etc. Women want to be looked after and cherished, she will not want to feel she's coming back into the relationship to look after you. She doesn't want to feel sorry for you or pity you, she wants to admire and respect you.

sorry to be harsh, i don not know your background. First stop antidepressants, second stop, job, 3rd stop get your life back and find yourself a woman who loves you.

Good luck.

[happylife]

Have just read your previous posts.

You have lost self respect and due to the role reversal in your marriage i believe she lost respect for you. Maybe she wanted you to contribute financially, even part time work would have helped. I'm not putting down what you did but i have a part time job and two children, cook, clean, mend, shop for food etc, it is possible and it's good for your soul, especially for a man i would say. Reading between the lines she got sick of payng all the bills which she proved by clearing out the bank account. Did she ask you to get work? I could be wrong but i think that could be the problem.

Maybe you thought things were good in your relationship but she didn't feel happy. were there signs you may have missed? It doesnt matter,you now need to think of you, like others have suggested working in mcdonalds is better than not working at all, believe me ive had some crappy jobs but it feels good to get paid. good luck.

[BW007]

Don't let it kill you. I was where you are in April, May, June, and July...You have to make some babysteps to move on..She sounds like not that great a deal to an outsider, reading between the lines

"(she may be bipolar) or a midlife crisis. there's no OM or OW. she says she doesn't want a relationship with anyone, can't handle it, just wants to do as much acid as possible."

Sometimes when I let someone flawed and messed up through my defenses, it hurts even more if they bail out on you..

The way you described your dark time is a serious depression. Get some counseling if you can, get your ass to Tulane and start if you can, go to the library and read ( thats what I started doing to get out of bed) and stop smoking.

Make some babysteps..You are not alone or a bad guy or a loser for being horribly heartbroken. I think this type of paralysis and self-hatred occurs when we try to do all we can and it just does not make a difference. It beats you...Don't let it kill you

[ryepatch]

thanks, everyone.

 

well. . . i can't go to Tulane, since she closed the account that my student loan money was getting debited out of (long story, anyway i can't get financial aid til January, and i had to pass on Tulane). i know i need to take care of myself physically, i have been, but i haven't seen her for six weeks anyway, so who cares? i know it's only a matter of time til she wants to talk. . . she keeps changing that, though, and i have no idea what's going through her head. . .

 

as for smoking. . . i've quit six times in the last yeeaer and a half, every time she has a depressive meltdown, i go back, i can't deal with it. . . what i need to do is cut down, but i need to calm down first. . .

 

as for the jobs issue. . . i've been looking all summer, there aren't any out there and my resume is paper thin. . . i worked for years early in our relationship, we decided together that she would go back to school and work, we didn't want to be a two-income family. . . thought we would have kids by now, and she wanted me to stay home with them. . . finally i decided to go back to school, because she was getting so unstable it thought she might not be able to support us forever. . . she wanted me to back to school so badly, right up til the end. . . i offered to get a job several times this year, she said no, she wanted me to quit smoking and work on getting into a good school and work on getting published (i've written one and a half novels, and have been starting to freelance). . .

 

shee is the most beautiful in spirit person i have ever met. we're two of a kind-even after she left she told me we were twins and have a deep psychic connection but need to spend time apart. we have identical goals, hopes, dreams, interests, lifestyles, belief systems, and after ten years we can talk for eight hours straight without getting bored. up til the end she was assuring me that she would love me forever, we were meant to be together, if she ever left she'd come back. yeah, she's always had mood swings, they just got bigger and bigger over the last year.

 

she says she could never love anyone else.

 

but we haven't talked for six weeks. i hear from people who have talked to her that she has no intention of being with anybody else, this isn't about that. she just wants freedom and spiritual growth. i don't think she realizes how destructive she's being. she's just not herself at all these days.

 

i know i need to make it through, so i can be there for her when she crashes again.

 

i'm taking lorazepam and hydroxine for anxiety, but they've stopped working. are antidepressants a good idea? do they make that big of a difference in this kind of situation?

[happylife]

thanks, everyone.

 

 

i'm taking lorazepam and hydroxine for anxiety, but they've stopped working. are antidepressants a good idea? do they make that big of a difference in this kind of situation?

 

 

 

I think it would be worth considering these antidepressants as you talk about a 'black hole'.

I'm worried about you. I feel from what you've said she has said enough to you to stop you moving forwardand emotionally you have nothing to so but sit and sait for her to go through this phase and come back to you. /It is almost unkind of her to mention that you are so connected and right for each other then to abandon you as she has. Surely you would have taken this journey together if that was the case? I think she is having her cake and eating it as we say in England. She is doing what she wants to do and is keeping you hanging in there incase she decides thats what she wants. She is cleaver and has emotionally manipulated you. I know this as i feel at one to me my H did this to me. He kept me hanging on with promises. This was years ago and has possibly destroyed our marriage as I now feel resentful for what he put me through. I wish i had walked away and got together my own life. Then when she's finished with this 'phase' whe's going through she can come and find you and take her chances as to whether or not you'll bewaiting. You sre worth so much more than this and you are making it too easy for her to do this to you. I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope you meet a wonderful person who loves you so much more. Remember, love is about respecting the other persons feelings.