Thoughts on what my barber told me about marriage?

[Woggle]

Last night at the barbershop we were discussing relationships and marriage and my barber told me about now he saved his marriage. About 10 years ago him and his wife were having problems. She refused to show him any affection whatsoever and wouldn't let him touch her. They were fighting constantly and no matter what he did it never seemed to work. In fact it seemed that the more he tried to please her the more she resented him.

 

One day that he got sick of it and told her that he will not go behind her back but if she won't let him touch her he will find a woman that will and if she won't give him any affection he find a woman that will so from this point on it is an open marriage as far as he is concerned. She was initially mad at first but after a few days when she saw he serious things changed very quickly. She was all over him and the hostile behavior pretty much stopped. She changed her entire tune and his marriage has been great ever since. He never did actually get with any other women but the threat did the trick.

 

Is this a good way to fix a marriage? I can't knock him because it worked but if things came to that point I would probably have left by then.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes you have to really hit someone with an emotional cattle prod like that to make them realize the error of their ways. Some women would react like she did (particularly if she realized that she needed to stay married) and other women would simply divorce and rape him in court.

[Shutterb]

Well I have just done something similar. Not is such a stark altumatum, but similar none the less. you can read my story in my other thread.. Will see what happens.

[WizeMan]

Barber did a power trip. he has won in the short term but without equality and respect it is a short term victory

[mark982]

how can you say it was a short term victory? that was 10 yrs. ago,and still going strong.

[carhill]

Is this a good way to fix a marriage? I can't knock him because it worked but if things came to that point I would probably have left by then.

 

IMO it is if the wife is otherwise enamored of her social/economic status in the marriage. In our case, I did this and we're getting divorced. I guess I didn't have enough 'power'.

 

My thoughts would be, and are, why would I want to waste my valuable breath and love on a woman who had to be 'cattle prodded' into showing me love and affection?

[NoIDidn't]

I once said something similar to my H early on in our marriage. Maybe right at the two year mark and its been nearly 13 years to date.

 

I made more money at the time. I had considerable power in our relationship because of it. And I was very good at using it against him since he was the one doing most of the spending.

 

It was a short term victory. He might have come around and started having more sex with me, but the truth is, I didn't make him feel emotionally safe after that.

 

Just because its been 10 years doesn't mean that its been all good for the entire 10 years.

[Woggle]

I agree with others that it is a short term victory. This stuff really does work with some women but I would not want to be in a marriage that was based on who has more power over the other. Maybe it shocked her into realizing that she could lose him and it made her appreciate him more. He is a good guy and he has never actually cheated on her. He was just desperate.

[samspade]

The "trick" is that the barber turned around his beta behavior and started acting like a man. He let his wife know that he has other options and that she doesn't own the only vagina in the world.

 

Now, I'd advise against verbalizing such an ultimatum, but as a man, you must ALWAYS demonstrate value. I don't care if you're single and sleeping around or married for 50 years. Women want what other women find desirable. As a man, you should keep yourself in shape, do interesting things, and be charming around other women. The more jealous those women are of your wife/GF, the more your wife/GF will continue to be wet for you.

 

The minute you let yourself go, or put her on a pedestal, or supplicate to her b*tchy attitude is the minute you begin losing her. When a woman withholds sex, she is exercising what she believes to be her power over you. Too many men allow their women's vaginas to control them. AS A MAN, YOU MUST NEVER BE A SLAVE TO SEX. A woman will never respect a man who is under her control because of how much sex she is willing to have with him.

 

Your woman must always be competing for you, if only a little bit. Remember, anything that you cannot walk away from is your master - and you are its slave.

[mem11363]

Samspade is 100% right. I have posted similar comments many, many times on other boards. This is not "theory", I do all the basic stuff that a mate enjoys/respects - result is my wife is super sexual with me - and we are in year 20. The big 4 are:

- Being loving and considerate and trustworthy (my wife truly sees me as a good guy)

- Having an "edge" that appears suddenly - is used in a controlled way and then disappears just as quickly and quietly.

- Being fun/funny and entertaining to her and others - but never flirty with other women

- Being really fit and toned

 

 

 

The "trick" is that the barber turned around his beta behavior and started acting like a man. He let his wife know that he has other options and that she doesn't own the only vagina in the world.

 

Now, I'd advise against verbalizing such an ultimatum, but as a man, you must ALWAYS demonstrate value. I don't care if you're single and sleeping around or married for 50 years. Women want what other women find desirable. As a man, you should keep yourself in shape, do interesting things, and be charming around other women. The more jealous those women are of your wife/GF, the more your wife/GF will continue to be wet for you.

 

The minute you let yourself go, or put her on a pedestal, or supplicate to her b*tchy attitude is the minute you begin losing her. When a woman withholds sex, she is exercising what she believes to be her power over you. Too many men allow their women's vaginas to control them. AS A MAN, YOU MUST NEVER BE A SLAVE TO SEX. A woman will never respect a man who is under her control because of how much sex she is willing to have with him.

 

Your woman must always be competing for you, if only a little bit. Remember, anything that you cannot walk away from is your master - and you are its slave.

[Shoshana]

I don't know... keeping someone "in competition" sounds an awful lot like psychological gamesmanship to me. I'm not a shrink, but constantly keeping a loved one just a little bit afraid of you leaving doesn't sound to me like it's especially healthy.

 

I can remember a time when I had a hard time being intimate with my second husband, and I can tell you exactly why: resentment. I had developed a resentment towards him because of the way he treated our joint finances, because of my having to do all the work all the time, because of his selfishness, his sloppiness. And it's not like I didn't try to communicate it to him, either - I talked, explained, communicated, spelled it out for him, and he never once had anything to say to me in response. It was like talking to a brick. He'd seriously just stare back at me like that little pile of money in the GEICO commercials.

 

None of his behaviors changed, so none of mine did. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with this guy because, through his unwillingness to address some serious concerns I had, he became repulsive to me.

 

I am pretty sure that had he been willing to actively engage with me in a conversation about everything, things may have been better. However, instead of trying to work with me to get to the root of the problem, he chose to pursue other women. I suppose, in his lazy brain, he couldn't have been bothered to try counseling or communication. He just wanted affection, attention, praise, coddling, etc. without putting in the work of being a decent husband.

 

The only shift in my attitude after he started going outside the marriage was an attitude of looking out for myself. I promptly filed divorce papers.

 

Now that I am in a relationship with a man who will communicate with me and truly be a partner, I see how different it is. The fact that we're on equal footing makes me feel safe and secure - and we have an amazing sex life.

 

So - to any guys out there thinking of issuing an ultimatum to their partners out there - think twice.

[mem11363]

Shoshana,

What you did was totally rational and shows strength and maturity. And your issues were serious and valid.

 

The "barber" story represents something very different. It represents the "I don't care what you think about our sex life". A guy in a different thread/board just gave an example. He asked his wife: "Why don't we have sex more I find this really frustrating." Her response, "Why don't you help out more around the house"? He replied, I have done that in the past, and nothing changes on your side. Are you saying that if I do a great job helping around the house, our frequency will go from almost nothing to 1-2 times a week. The wife replies with "That isn't what I meant".

 

So the wifes response to his frustration was - "well you aren't perfect either". Hey - the guy was willinng to do his fair share. She just is NOT attracted to him and is looking for excuses as to why she isn't connecting with him.

 

For every woman - like you - who has a totally valid issue - there is at least one woman who just does not feel attracted to her man, and does not love him enough to "show him the love" just to be a good partner.

 

And THOSE are the women this story is targeted at. For what it is worth there are really only maybe 5 things really matter in a marriage. Sex is one of them. Money is another. Messing with someones head in either area - just through laziness - is cruel and abusive.

 

 

 

I don't know... keeping someone "in competition" sounds an awful lot like psychological gamesmanship to me. I'm not a shrink, but constantly keeping a loved one just a little bit afraid of you leaving doesn't sound to me like it's especially healthy.

 

I can remember a time when I had a hard time being intimate with my second husband, and I can tell you exactly why: resentment. I had developed a resentment towards him because of the way he treated our joint finances, because of my having to do all the work all the time, because of his selfishness, his sloppiness. And it's not like I didn't try to communicate it to him, either - I talked, explained, communicated, spelled it out for him, and he never once had anything to say to me in response. It was like talking to a brick. He'd seriously just stare back at me like that little pile of money in the GEICO commercials.

 

None of his behaviors changed, so none of mine did. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with this guy because, through his unwillingness to address some serious concerns I had, he became repulsive to me.

 

I am pretty sure that had he been willing to actively engage with me in a conversation about everything, things may have been better. However, instead of trying to work with me to get to the root of the problem, he chose to pursue other women. I suppose, in his lazy brain, he couldn't have been bothered to try counseling or communication. He just wanted affection, attention, praise, coddling, etc. without putting in the work of being a decent husband.

 

The only shift in my attitude after he started going outside the marriage was an attitude of looking out for myself. I promptly filed divorce papers.

 

Now that I am in a relationship with a man who will communicate with me and truly be a partner, I see how different it is. The fact that we're on equal footing makes me feel safe and secure - and we have an amazing sex life.

 

So - to any guys out there thinking of issuing an ultimatum to their partners out there - think twice.