Break up after 4 years.

[gp913]

Hi Everyone, just signed up for these forums and wanted to see if anyone had any advice for my situation...

 

My (ex)girlfriend and I started dating 4 years ago (both in mid-twenties now), hit it off great, starting seeing each other constantly, and then moved in together on year 2 or so. We had been living together for about 2 years now.

 

Two weeks ago, she decided that we should just break up. I had seen it coming, she had brought up things that she thought were wrong and she started to seem distant. She would get upset because they weren't even big things, just things like she felt like I should be more responsible and clean up the apartment. She said that we were getting too comfortable and that she felt like more of a roommate than a girlfriend. A few weeks before the break up, she said that she was upset and confused on why I hadn't proposed to her... I said that I wanted to wait until I had a job and graduated (both which I have now)... I told her that I wanted to wait until the perfect moment and she seemed confused... I had planned on doing it this year...

 

She immediately left the apartment the day of the break up (two weeks ago), said that she loved me and that I'm a great person and she hopes that we can be friends. We hugged, cried, and kissed on eachothers shoulders as we hugged. I've noticed that since we've broken up, this one guy that she was friends with (I knew he was interested, didn't like him, and he didn't move in since we were dating at the time), suddenly moves in and starts hitting on her and talking to her more. I think she's talking to him and seeing him because its contact. Someone to talk to... Not that she's seriously interested. But whatever she does is her business, and I need to live with that.

 

I emailed her a week after the break up saying that I agreed with the breakup, how I realized there are things that I need to work on and time apart would help us both. I also said that I didn't show her how much I appreciated and cared about her and we learn from our mistakes. I then wished her well. I only sent the email because I had a clear head that day and knew that this breakup would actually be good for me right now (however, I don't want to lose her for good!).

 

She emailed me back saying that she was glad that I emailed her and that she was just giving me some space. She was glad to hear I was working on things, that I was a great person, and that she was 50% of the relationship. She also offered some insight on how her interviews for a job have been going and hoped that I have a good weekend.

 

One more email from both of us were exchanged and then I didn't reply to her last one which was sent a few days ago. She moved her stuff out while I've been at work all day and left the keys behind earlier this week. Those emails exchanged were basically centered around me asking to let me know about the job (because I am happy she is close to getting it) and her telling me when she'd be out of the apartment and she'd let me know when she knows.

 

Alot of people that I know now know that we broke up and were shocked (we were always together). I've had a few people tell me that I'm living the dream and should live it up (guys). I've also had people tell me that this guy that she is talking to is a rebound and I should give it time (girls saying this one).

 

- I know that I can't just wait around, but I was thinking that I could suggest that we do couples counseling to just talk things out (without the intention of getting back together), do you think this is a good suggestion? or when would this be appropriate this soon (it's been two weeks)? It had been brought up (by her) a few weeks before the breakup, but we didn't do it... She has a therapist that she goes to who would be able to do it, so I was thinking of suggesting it to him to see what he thought. He's known her longer than I have, so I suppose he would know what would be good...

 

- What is your take on what I've written here? It's been 4 years and I don't really think we've had too many issues. Just us falling into something comfortable, partly due to me becoming lazy in the relationship... I've woken up and know that I can be the best I can be.

 

Tried to make this easy to read.

[sexibanez]

don't put your life on hold man. You have things to work on that YOU want to do to better yourself, fine, go for it, only dont do it because you think you can win her back with the changes. SHE broke up with YOU. Getting comfortable, what the hell is that? Isn't it good to be comfortable in a relationship?!

 

She wants you to propose, you dont do it for valid reasons and now she's dumped you - honestly man, you need to go NC, she'll either come back once she realises this rebound is not as good as you, or she'll move on. Don't give in to any of that 'we'll stay friends' angle because you will find it hard to concentrate on your future life with shackles from your past.

[Goatsbreath]

hmm....i had a similar situation about 8 months ago, really hard to believe is been 8 months but I guess it has. Anyway, I think the relationship got comfortable, she called it out and moved out. She was with a new man within a week, so go figure. I'm not sure how your girl will react but I tried everything including suggestion counseling that she had brought up before and I agreed to but we had not really acted on it.

 

The thing is it all just happened really fast and I'm really not sure she ever wanted counseling, maybe just something to say because truthfully, she had her eye set on this other guy at work.

 

Sense that time, she dated him, broke up, dated a girl, broke up....we started talking, had sex a few times, then she called that off and is now seeing a new guy...and I basically called off the friendship

 

haha, go figure, I really don't know what to tell you but I hope you handle it better then me. I don't know what is going on.

[vivrantflo]

As harsh as it seems, she's done. 100% done. If she was on the fence, she wouldn't have moved out.

 

As I was reading your story I was just waiting for the 3rd party to show up, and sure enough, there he is.

 

Go NC. She's more than likely spending her time with this new dude. It hurts I know, but the excuse of "being too comfortable" is beyond lame. I mean, I've heard some crappy excuses, but that one is stupid. What the hell is being "too comfortable". To me, that translates into "being bored". And the fact that she's hanging around a dude after two weeks show's you where her heart is really at. You saw it coming, and she checked out of the relationship long before she broke up with you. And, she was definately getting close with this guy before she officially broke it off with you.

 

NC

[gp913]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, guys. I appreciate it.

 

Just an update... It's been 3 weeks since the break up. A week ago, I had gone ahead and emailed her told her what I thought of things and that I could've done better with things -- I had fallen into something bad and I'm getting help for it (summarized, of course).

 

She emailed me back and (in summary) said that she appreciated me telling her how I felt, but that she can't do this anymore. She still loves me, but feels she lacks the romantic feelings she once had. She also said that we didn't have a bad relationship and this is why it is hard for her too. She said that she thought its great that I'm getting help for myself, but she can only support me as a friend, not as a girlfriend. I'm a great person and I will make someone very happy one day. But she said that if things had turned around and I lost feelings for her, she would rather let me go than make me stay. She said that she always felt like the bad guy and had to complain. She said that if she feels that if I really loved her, I would have confronted her more on her feelings... I should have. Too late now, though. Things fell apart and she had told me everything along the way, but I ignored everything until it was too late...

 

I emailed her back and said that I know I can't make her feel any certain way and that I just want her to be happy. No reply after that.

 

So painful. I had just stopped making the best effort in the relationship and wish things were different. We had just taken a trip the weekend before with hopes that I could help things -- we had fun, but could tell things were bothering her with us. For some reason, I didn't pour my heart out then and be totally open to talk about us and our problems. I was probably afraid on confrontation... I know that I just need to move on... I'm going to work on myself. NC from my side, for my benefit. She's been straightforward with me, mature, and I appreciate it... We lived together for 2.5 years and spent nearly every day together the entire 4 years. She was my best friend and if maybe one day she wants to try again, I might have to see if I've healed and am willing to give it a second chance. But I know I can't wait on it.

 

I just have a lot of feelings of regret because I let things fall apart -- I should have been more open and attentive, but atleast I'm feeling a little better after she sent me that last email... no matter how truthful she may have been in it. I fell like that should help me heal... I keep trying to look at the positive sides to this, no matter how much I hate this situation.

[gp913]

If she says that I'm more like a friend than a boyfriend but still loves and cares about me... Is there any chance of us having a second chance one day? Do you think that time apart can change this? Should I atleast maybe hang out with her just once?

 

Since the breakup, it's only been a few emails exchanged...

 

Maybe I could ask her to lunch or something, just to see what is there after time has passed? I had bought tickets a while ago for us to see her fave singer and fave comedian in 2 months... She really wanted to go. Perhaps we could go to one of the events we had planned on going to... I don't know.

 

So confused. Just me thinking.

[Mixitup123]

Hi, just read your story. I have just broken up from a 4 year relationship too, only 3 weeks ago. So I know how you are feeling, it is the hardest thing ever to happen to me, and dealing with it is so difficult as you don't even know where to start, because your life was with that person for so long, living together, planning together etc, so what is next! But please be assured you deserve better, you have a least realised your mistakes in the relationship and have told her so, and you are willing to try again. For her to say no to you, and that your relationship was too comfortable.....well all I know that she will come to regret saying that. I don't know how old she is, or how many relationships she has had, maybe these factors come in to the reasons too. But I know I would have given anything for that in my relationship. All I can say is NC..and also be thankful that she has been some what adult, as have you. Maybe she will come back and decide she wants you back..maybe you will or maybe you will have moved on by then, but if this does, don't jump back in to it, let her realise she can't just do this and click her fingers and have you back. Everybody gets lazy and 'comfortable' in relationships..but if you really love each other it isn't a reason to break up after 4 years, maybe she felt she was too young etc etc, but didnt want to tell you the real truth. Spend time on you, and get on with life, she will see you're not mourning and either come to her senses or not! but remember you deserve someone who truly will love you, as you sound like a good guy. Good luck.

[GrayClouds]

If she says that I'm more like a friend than a boyfriend but still loves and cares about me... Is there any chance of us having a second chance one day? Do you think that time apart can change this? Should I atleast maybe hang out with her just once?

 

Since the breakup, it's only been a few emails exchanged...

 

Maybe I could ask her to lunch or something, just to see what is there after time has passed? I had bought tickets a while ago for us to see her fave singer and fave comedian in 2 months... She really wanted to go. Perhaps we could go to one of the events we had planned on going to... I don't know.

 

So confused. Just me thinking.

 

Your hanging on to hope and hope is a slow painful killer. Read these:

 

So you want a second chance?

The No Contact Guide

[angelface78]

Im in the same boat...5 year relationship AND engagement down the drain. I went NC cold turkey and have not spoken to him again. Hope is hard to kill ..ive been in NC 3 months and still have hope but it kills you inside. You have to try to get rid of the hope and move on as if she will never come back because if you keep clinging onto hope....you will never move on!! I NEED TO TAKE MY OWN ADVICE ;( Take it easy take it day by day.