Its finally over - warning this is long, and probably boring

[curiousnycgirl]

The few times I have posted my story/issues/quesitons, my friends here at loveshack have been telling me for 5 years now (hard to believe it's been that long) that my bf was lazy, no good, etc - but I did not listen, which btw is why I didn't post more information.

 

In a nutshell - we met June 04 and sex was fabulous, explosive, amazing. By December (04) I was posting here because our sex life had dwindled down to almost never.

 

That in itself is an interesting factoid that I had not realized until I just looked at my history - because he lost his job in January 05 and for some reason I just tied the two events together (sex diminishing and job loss, but clearly the former came first)

 

January 06 I said I couldn't take the rejection anymore and called it quits - hopped on a plane to Europe and cried my eyes out for days. Upon my return, I realized I had not tried everything so I called him and asked if he'd be willing to consider therapy, he agreed, and I paid for therapy for 2 years.

 

All this time he is unemployed and in what he now calls his "entreprenurial" (sp?) phase of his life. I am supportive of all this - and pay for all the extras we do - ie dinners out, vacations, gifts to family, etc.

 

Roughly March 06 I realize I need to find a new place to live, my rent was about to increase by over 50% and I needed more space. I had really hoped at this point he would say hey let's live together, move into my house - but he didn't, so I bought a house - and for the most part furnished it. (something he threw in my face last week as an example of how I don't act as a couple because I didn't ask his opinion while furniture shopping)

 

Fast foward to the past 6 months or so. For some reason he has become more and more distant, and nasty in the way he speaks to me. Friends we have made during the time period don't understand why we are together, when he so clearly dislikes me. I love him and regardless we were to go on vaction in November - so I was not ready to rock the boat. I hoped we could reconnect while on the vacation. That didn't happen.

 

Fast forward to last week. I had a crowd coming here for thanksgiving (less than a week after returning from vacation) - he was here, but really barely speaking to me, and barely helping. He was terse, nasty etc.

 

Friday when he came to bed, in the dark, I finally asked what was going on with us - what was going to happen to which he started SCREAMING at me. Basic nutshell is that he feels I am emasculating him - I cried, he told me he loved me, I said I didn't believe him (actions vs. words) and he fell asleep. I went downstairs to cry some more.

 

Tuesday I told him I couldn't take it anymore, that clearly he was harboring a lot of anger towards me, and that I felt I didn't deserve it, regardless we both deserve to be happy. He told me every time I open my wallet I cut his balls off - I was stunned, and still have no clue what he would have had me do differently I told him that my intent was only to support his pursuit of his dreams while ensuring we could enjoy our lives and our time together.

 

At one point during that call he told me he was sorry he could not be the person I wanted him to be. I did not address it during the call (during which I basically left the door open for him to come back - but not if he was going to continue hurting me in this manner). The next day I sent an email saying I had to respond to his apology - and I wrote that I felt he "can be the person I wanted, that is why I had stayed so long - but that he chose to be angry. For that I am very sad." He wrote back disagreeing with my categorization and saying he was not even certain it was anger.

 

I wrote a long heartfelt note back which started off asking what the hell he would call it. Going on to give examples of his behaviour that indicate his dislike of me (including his behaviour while we were on vacation) And ending with saying that I felt I had done everything in my power over the years to fix things, and asking what I could have done differently - he has not responded.

 

I have always been an active busy person - if he wanted me to be happy sitting on my butt watching him watch TV -then he chose the wrong woman.

 

At this point I am devastated, I know this man is capable - I truly believe he has chosen to make this impossible with me. So now I ask why, why, why?!

 

UGH I'm so freaking broken.!!!!

Edited December 5, 2009 by curiousnycgirl

[Torn_apart]

I understand the amount of frustration and pain you're going through, nobody deserves this sort of mental torture but yet it happens. The right thing to do now is perhaps to move on.

 

I'm no expert at psychologies but judging from your account, he is undergoing denial and refuses to face reality.He likely hasn't recover from the setback of losing his job. He probably resents anyone with a decent job and attitude towards life. His attitude towards you is due to his resentment.

 

Your support for him by paying for the extras hurts his ego which exacerbates his complex. I have to say that at this point of time, he is not deserving of your support and affection, in fact, it might have caused him to escape from reality even more.

 

Leaving him now might be the best thing for both of you. It might serve as a wake up call to him when he no longer has you to fall back on. If he is truly worthy of you, he will grow some balls and start taking responsibilities.

[GrayClouds]

 

I have always been an active busy person - if he wanted me to be happy sitting on my butt watching him watch TV -then he chose the wrong woman.

 

Or more likely, and responsibly, you chose the wrong man

 

I know this man is capable

 

Of what? being the person you want him to be? Being the person you think he should be? Or being the person he is?

 

It sounds like you really tried hard and should be very proud of yourself for that. He let you do all the work, you like that control, but then he feels less like a man but trades that becouse it is easier then trying to imporve his own life, you try harder to "fix" him, he feels emasculated, he blames you for his feelings, relationship over.

 

Sorry about the loss but it did not seem like a healthy relationship for either of you. Be kind to yourself.

[threebyfate]

I'm sorry to hear about this.

 

No one can make a relationship work if both people don't put into it. He's trapped in depression and instead of being realistic about things, he's placed the entire burden on you, instead of his own failure.

 

I don't think he's commitment phobic. I think he's never grown up.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Torn Apart - I guess those were my thoughts as well. A large part of me hopes he has some type of epiphany and is able to convince me of this and come back. But the realist in me seriously doubts he has the capacity for that type of introspection.

 

While there are so many challenging bits to this - right now I'm trying to figure out what to tell people - my side is easy, I just say we are taking a break (I'm amazed how many of my friends are happy about this piece of news) - but his side is tough.

 

On the one hand they are his side, so he should be the one to decide what to tell them. On the other hand I am the communicator, so everyone typically calls me way before they call him. For example his son, daughter in law and grand daughter call me a couple times a week - they never call him. What on earth should I say to THEM?! Plus there is a new grand daughter on the way - I've committed to buying them a double stroller (ha ha from grandpa and me) and I will not reneg on that, but I was also planning on when grandpa and I would come visit (on my dime of coures) - clearly that will not be happening. But how do I tell them?

 

Yesterday was his granddaughter's birthday so hopefully he called to wish her a happy one (he hadn't called yet when I spoke with her) - hopefully he said something, and one of them will let me know what - cuz I really don't feel it's my place.

 

OY our lives were so intertwined! I hate this.

[curiousnycgirl]

It sounds like you really tried hard and should be very proud of yourself for that. He let you do all the work, you like that control, but then he feels less like a man but trades that becouse it is easier then trying to imporve his own life, you try harder to "fix" him, he feels emasculated, he blames you for his feelings, relationship over.

 

Sorry about the loss but it did not seem like a healthy relationship for either of you. Be kind to yourself.

 

 

Wow GrayClouds I hadn't thought of that - this gives me plenty to think about. I don't think I like the control, but I know I will always step in to try to fix things if I see something broken.

 

You are right it was not healthy - but it is still so painful!

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm sorry to hear about this.

 

No one can make a relationship work if both people don't put into it. He's trapped in depression and instead of being realistic about things, he's placed the entire burden on you, instead of his own failure.

 

I don't think he's commitment phobic. I think he's never grown up.

 

Thanks TBF - see this is where I feel like a major sh*t - if he is truly trapped in depression, then what kind of person am I to walk away? Depression is an illness - not necesarily something someone can control. On the other hand he's not doing anything about it either.

 

It's nice to see an old LS friend respond - you saw this all along, gave me many wonderful things to think about - yet still here I am - submitting the post I never wanted to write.

[Torn_apart]

It is never easy to give up on something you have worked really hard towards but you need to learn when its time to let go. It almost sounds like you're giving yourself excuses not to move on.

[threebyfate]

Thanks TBF - see this is where I feel like a major sh*t - if he is truly trapped in depression, then what kind of person am I to walk away? Depression is an illness - not necesarily something someone can control. On the other hand he's not doing anything about it either.

 

It's nice to see an old LS friend respond - you saw this all along, gave me many wonderful things to think about - yet still here I am - submitting the post I never wanted to write.

You know you can't fix him, don't you? He had two years of therapy to try to do so and it didn't take.

 

He's telling you that he doesn't want to be fixed:

At one point during that call he told me he was sorry he could not be the person I wanted him to be.

[GrayClouds]

right now I'm trying to figure out what to tell people - my side is easy, - but his side is tough.

 

On the one hand they are his side, so he should be the one to decide what to tell them. On the other hand I am the communicator, so everyone typically calls me way before they call him. For example his son, daughter in law and grand daughter call me a couple times a week - they never call him. What on earth should I say to THEM?! Plus there is a new grand daughter on the way - I've committed to buying them a double stroller (ha ha from grandpa and me) and I will not reneg on that, but I was also planning on when grandpa and I would come visit (on my dime of coures) - clearly that will not be happening. But how do I tell them?

 

VS

 

I don't think I like the control, but I know I will always step in to try to fix things if I see something broken.

 

 

Ding ding ding this is called a aha moment.

 

How about lettting him be a grown up had handle it himself. See how quickly you fall into the old routine?

 

A fixer is someone who thinks they know what the best solution, the best outcome. Fixers often encourage people to be dependent on them. It makes the fixer feel needed and in control while the other can avoid their problems. But this leads to them feeling worthless and the fixer not feeling appreciate for all their hard work and effort. Sounds familiar?

 

I am a poor speller, actually dyslexic to a high degree, i often as friends help when I need to do some serious writing. But after years and years of working on this myself, I know the work I have done and how far I have come to finding a way to work with it. I have little patients of someone coming in and trying to "fix" this even if their intentions is good. It shows no respect for my effort.

 

While being a fixer can be a very great quality, when peole ask for help. It also can be disrespectful and overbearing. People need to learn how to fix there own problems, gain the confidence of doing so they become their own fixers. Intent appears good but often there is a unwritten contract that I will fix your problem you will love me for it and do what I say. That is not a mutual relationship.

 

I suspect you learn this fixer thing from a very earlier age watching a parent. It might be something to put some effort in to funderstand why this is such a strong pattern. That will give you something to fix Good Luck

Edited December 5, 2009 by GrayClouds

[curiousnycgirl]

VSA fixer is someone who thinks they know what the best solution, the best outcome. Fixers often encourage people to be dependent on them. It makes the fixer feel needed and in control while the other can avoid their problems. But this leads to them feeling worthless and the fixer not feeling appreciate for all their hard work and effort. Sounds familiar?

 

Harsh, but yes it sounds familiar - wow I suck. I had no clue but what you write ceratinly rings true to a large degree, not 100% but near enough.

 

No wonder he's miserable! UGH - yup I have lots to work on

 

BTW I don't have to worry anymore, I know he is telling people we are over. They are now calling me to see if I am ok - I tell them the truth, no I am not ok.

[Beeotch]

Sorry about your situation....

 

It would seem to me however, that your ex is going through problems of his own that have nothing to do with you, however they are being taken out on you. He lost his job, you didnt mention him ever getting a new job....and thus being someone who can hold your own, you stand by him and pay for things and continue living life. His entrepreneurship failed I imagined and instead of going out there and doing what he needs to do he allows you to carry the brunt of the financial weight SILENTLY and for years he has been secretly upset over it. But the point is, if he doesn't want you to be paying for stuff or to feel emasculated, then why the heck didn't he go through hell and high water to ensure that he got a job and could be financially stable???? Seems to me from what you've said, he didn't try to better himself...but then wants to be upset at you because you did your part.

 

I know the feeling of believing in someone and thinking they can be better...but you have to be careful not to enable the negative behavior you do not like as well as be careful of not seeing them for how they are now and living in an imaginary future of who they could be. I think because you loved this man you just sucked the situation up and bought your house, paid for everything and SUPPORTED his laziness...and in the end he did not turn around and thank you, but actually got mad at you. He has no right to be mad and his ego is doing the talking, but again, if you are so upset about being emasculated then he would have tried harder. He did not....then looking at the state of his life and affairs he wants to blame you for it. Tell him to kiss your a$$

 

Don't love him to the demise of your sanity. Tell him your feelings and make a resolution about what you want, what you will and won't accept and go from there. It is pointless to be the giving person you seem to be, the independent and hardworking woman you seem to be and to waste your life supporting a man who has a chip on his shoulder but has nooooo interest in doing anything about his condition. He seems content to sulk and moan about his problems instead of doing something about it, and you don't need that.

 

Seems the relationship was done a while ago...even the 2 years of therapy did not help. HARD as it may be, maybe this is a sign that this is not meant to be and better is to come...and you CANNOT receive what is out there for you if your hands are full holding on to what is not working. Goodluck

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Beeotch - you have summed up my feelings on the matter very well. Thank G-d we never moved in together! I know I would not have been able to actually kick him out. My support was limited to the extras in life.

 

Too bad I'm so damn old. I knew from the start that he was probably my last chance for love - and I blew it, mostly by wasting that chance on the wrong guy.

 

There is probably a chance he will come back - but to tell the truth I don't know that I could trust him again. He's really cut me to the core.

 

Today I was reading Beethoven's letters to his Immortal Beloved - OMG they get me every time! Of course I see him in the words - STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!

[curiousnycgirl]

You know you can't fix him, don't you? He had two years of therapy to try to do so and it didn't take.

 

He's telling you that he doesn't want to be fixed:

 

Sorry TBF didn't see this response, as always you are 100% correct, I cannot fix him, and he doesn't want to be fixed. In fact he doesn't really see that there is anything wrong with him.

 

Obviously it's all me - as I said earlier, I'm broken

[curiousnycgirl]

It is never easy to give up on something you have worked really hard towards but you need to learn when its time to let go. It almost sounds like you're giving yourself excuses not to move on.

 

Torn apart - to some degree you are accurate. A part of me keeps hoping he'll have an epiphany and come running back. A really big part of me.

 

However I now know that I will most definitely not accept continuing as things have been. I deserve more, I am willing to keep giving - but dammit I expect to get as good as I give!

 

Funny thing is that's sort of how we started. We met online - my profile said I was looking for someone who had their own life, who would not be clingy, and who would put me on a similar pedestal as I put him. So where the hell did I go wrong?!

 

UGH

[Ariadne]

At this point I am devastated, I know this man is capable - I truly believe he has chosen to make this impossible with me. So now I ask why, why, why?!

 

That's too bad about the break up.

 

But in this case, it seems like you both love or care for each other at least.

 

He probably felt like crap not being successful, that's why he stopped having sex.

 

On the other hand, is like you are raising this guy like a child. But you see if that is not so much a problem for you.

 

Hope things can get worked out. Holidays can be intense.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Ariadne - I doubt anything could possibly be fixed by the holidays - while I guess one could hope - I think I need to focus on me now, not him and not the relationship (or lack thereof).

 

But I appreciate your well wishes and sympathies.

[Ariadne]

Thanks Ariadne - I doubt anything could possibly be fixed by the holidays - while I guess one could hope - I think I need to focus on me now, not him and not the relationship (or lack thereof).

 

But I appreciate your well wishes and sympathies.

 

Yeah, try and spend some time with the family at least.

 

Btw, were you living together?

 

Also, if he comes back, even if he becomes successful, I doubt the problems you are having now will get fixed after all this time.

 

You are going to have to accept that too if you want to come back, or have little hope for changes.

[GrayClouds]

Harsh, but yes it sounds familiar - wow I suck. I had no clue but what you write ceratinly rings true to a large degree, not 100% but near enough.

 

No wonder he's miserable! UGH - yup I have lots to work on

 

Never 100%... but just think how great of a person you will be when your done with the work!

[curiousnycgirl]

Never 100%... but just think how great of a person you will be when your done with the work!

 

very sweet of you GrayClouds, but alas I am very old, so even if I finally become a great person, there will be no one to appreciate it.

[muse08]

It would seem to me however, that your ex is going through problems of his own that have nothing to do with you, however they are being taken out on you.

 

I agree with this so much. This situation is unfortunate, but it is allowing you to find what it is that truly makes you happy outside of the relationship.

[curiousnycgirl]

Yeah, try and spend some time with the family at least.

 

Btw, were you living together?

 

Also, if he comes back, even if he becomes successful, I doubt the problems you are having now will get fixed after all this time.

 

You are going to have to accept that too if you want to come back, or have little hope for changes.

 

No we were not living together and I agree even if he becomes successful, I don't really believe things can change. I've had some huge realizations of late. Truth is things always need to be his way, during our 5.5 years together, I found myself forgoing many of the things I love to do what he wanted. Or I would find the time to do my things when the rest of the world was sleeping (I'd go to the barn to see my horse at 3 am) which eventually compromised my health.

 

At one point he told me that I was lucky that he was around so much, because when he had money, he would be pursing his passions (skiing scuba diving) and not around so much. I pointed out that this was true of me as well (I also dive, and used to go to the carribean at least once a month) - he asked me what had changed for me and I responded that as part of this couple I recognized I had to scale back.

 

What I now realize is that while I was willing to compromise, he is not. And frankly that won't work for me. So again unlikely things will ever work.

 

Yup here I am crying again.

[Ariadne]

during our 5.5 years together, I found myself forgoing many of the things I love to do what he wanted...go to the barn to see my horse at 3 am

 

Well, you can spend some time doing those things now.

 

It doesn't sound like it's a definite breakup, but an opening up and accepting of feelings that were there hidden.

 

The time of the holidays can have that effect.

 

When you tell him that: he can be the person I wanted, that is why I had stayed so long - but that he chose to be angry.

 

Maybe it'd be better if you told him that he already is.

[curiousnycgirl]

When you tell him that: he can be the person I wanted, that is why I had stayed so long - but that he chose to be angry.

 

Maybe it'd be better if you told him that he already is.

 

I cannot say that honestly today - he has really been very hateful to me for at least the past 6 months.

 

Although I certainly could have said that he was the man I wanted him to be. You raise a valid point.

[JaggedRoad]

How old are you two?