Hit by the train - #3

[sotagoon]

I am posting here..although I was/am not married...we were together for 8 years and lived together as a couple for 7.5 of them.

 

This is the 3rd time she has walked, however this one seems different.

 

Around the end of the 5th year together I returned home from a 2 day work trip to find her gone with no explanation. She finally told me "I need space".

OK....beg/plead..to no avail..however there was contact and weekly dinners together at our home. (Actually my house as I owned it before meeting her)

After 2 months of whatever...she decided she made a mistake. Came back.

 

Fast forward 10 months....she had started nursing school (at age 27) and she then decided to walk again...(wasn't home when I came home from work one day....didn't come home and when I called...at midnight on a Tuesday..she told me I was smothering and that she "Needed Space"...beg/plead again...all the while still having contact with her, although less than the 1st time and with long periods of NC and then back to normal again....LC. THis went on for almost a year.....she then decided to come back, however this time she was a huge mess and was very very serious about coming back because she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. (BTW...she had 2 separate short stints in this 12 month period with others...I know, but she doesn't know I found out)

 

So for almost 2 years we were back together and things were great until this past April when she was diagnosed with a very very RARE cancer.

I have always been there for her and made her know that I would do whatever it took to help her through this.....Mind you I have never cheated, or strayed......and my love for her has never wavered. I was the financial rock, supportive rock and would do anything for her. For 8 years I have payed for all of our living and most other expenses as she was a student.

In the last year, my earning has not been as high as the past as sales have really taken a hit. I will admit, I was a little worried...but never allowed her to worry about any of that as she had the battle of her life going on.

 

She pushed me away and told me that I should concentrate at work and ame sure that goes well and the rest will work out. So I followed her request.

I really put my head down and went to work and ended up having my best year ever.

 

Anyway.....on the last day of her final radiation treatment....(BTW..9 rounds of Chemo, surgery and then 6 weeks of radiation...I was there and slept at the hospital every night and went home mornings to ready for work and then back to the hospital each evening)...she decided to leave again. Now saying ...."we just don't have anything in common".

 

SO for the last 6 weeks...she will come and go (usually a hour or so after I leave for work...I think) to get mail and a few things each time. We have only talked once in 6 weeks...although she sends me an email every now and then to iron out small details of separating....again going cold for long periods when a very short response is all that is needed.

 

I am having a hard time because I have unconditionally loved the woman for 8 years and for the last 3 years have really taken some hits to my armor.

I love her so much and most importantly want her to be healthy.

 

 

We both have lost a parent earlier in life..her mother to cancer when she was 15 and my father to a drowning accident when I was 21.

 

I just don't understand how anyone that has lost like that can just walk from someone they love after losing like than before.

 

I have always been one to talk...so the man/woman communication thing is awkward because she avoids most serious or responsible things.

 

I want the woman I met back...and the woman that I couldn't keep my hands off of.

 

I can't accept that she is not here..and I worry that this will not be okay.

 

God..please help me to find peace in this.

[nobmagnet]

scopio male scares me again!

 

I am soooo sorry you have had so much to cope with. It is a big mess. I wish I knew what her take on this was because im sorry but she seems to have used you. I feel agreaved to add to your pain but i trully believe she has used you. take this time to talk your thoughts through on LS we would love to help if we canxx

[LisaUk]

 

 

We both have lost a parent earlier in life..her mother to cancer when she was 15 and my father to a drowning accident when I was 21.

 

 

Hi

 

First I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. I wasn't married either, yesterday would have been my wedding day, he walked after 18 years just after we set the date to marry. I can see in your situation exactly the same problem that my ex has, commitment phobia.

 

You ask above how someone who has lost can do this? Preciesly why they can, the fear of giving themselves over completely, push/pull, commitment phobia. It seems to me everytime you guys get deep into commitment she runs. This is obviously just my opinion, but get a copy of the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter, I think you will find it is like reading about her. Unfortunately if this is the case, until (if ever) she is willing to address her own issues there is nothing you can do. Something I have had a very hard time accepting, but it boils down to the fact it is easier for them to blame you rather than face their own internal issues, until they realise they have a problem they will continue to run from themseleves.

 

As hard as it is, you have to put yourself first and find someone who is deserving of your love and care.

[oasis]

who is to blame here...u allowed her to walk all over u not once but twice

this is not ****ing love, this is addiction

 

would u be able to touch the cigarette after u got cancer from it ????

if u touch it then u r dumb a**...if u quit then u r smart a**

 

decide which one of the a**s u wanted to be...

 

 

The man is in pain and came here for advice...not to be criticized and call a "dumb ass". Where is your empathy?

 

To the OP, welcome to Love Shack!

 

My gut feeling is telling me that she has fallen for someone else and that could explain the poor treatment that she is displaying towards you.

 

Some words of advice, I would cease all contact with this woman. She knows that you love her and she is using that knowledge to her advantage. Change the locks on the door and tell her to make arrangements with you to pick up her belongings. And then disappear from her life. Let her deal with her health issues, without you. Do NOT be there for her anymore. Because by doing so, she becomes certain of your love for her, and hence the taking you for granted. You have to deprive her of that love. Let her miss you and let her experience life without you.

 

In short, you have to totally ignore her from this moment on and keep looking to the future. Better things awaits you, because you seem like an awfully nice and caring person.

 

This woman is bad news and will only continue to use you unless you cut off future contacts with her.

 

Good luck and hang in there. With time, things will get better.

[nobmagnet]

scoprimale,

 

leave this thread and start one to explain why you are so angry??

 

we are all angry but you seem more so. Please explain on a different thread??

 

ta

[nobmagnet]

leave us alone then

[sotagoon]

I have typed the original post about 15 different times and deleted before actually posting. I'm not sure why...but I think it may be that eep down I know I am better than that.

 

For some reason...this woman has always had my trust, albeit thin at moments, but never totally not there. Maybe it is a character flaw of mine...but I was raised to make someone LOSE your trust...therfore give it from the beginning.

I know...pretty dangerous..but usually helps get the most out of a situation.

 

I love her because she has been there for me when I needed it, but for some reason...after the first disappearing act??????????

 

Each time she has run to another guy.....it is someone that is part of the group of people she has most recently befriended....see, she changes a part of her life (ie...school..job..etc) and then there are new people and the friends from before are a little lower on the scale...not gone...but nat as frequently visited.

 

I do believe that this time is no exception..as I was lied to about where she was moving...among other things.

 

I don't understand because I can honestly say I have never lied to her ever..no joke..in fact I happily tell her anything about anything. I have nothing to hide.

 

The dreams of our future and the plans we had just seem to go out the window in a NY minute. I can't begin to comprehend how something that has been sooooo invested in can just be forgotten so quickly and discarded.

 

I understand she's not perfect...but neither am I. I thought I was committed to the relationship. I bought a ring 2 separate times, and although I hid it perfectly....she seemed to sniff out what was coming and ran both times.

 

Like I said.....I want the kind hearted, all-in, and on my team woman that was there for 4+ years.

 

I put my life on hold to get her through nursing school knowing the big picture would play out.

 

I am extremely patient if I see the benefit.

 

I have been going back and forth for a while about packing all her things (think 8 years together and stuff...everywhere!!!!!) and just dropping them at her father's without telling her. He and I have a good relationship....but he is very guarded about how he feels about the situation..so I'm not sure I want to involve him.

 

Anyway....I'n lost and my self esteem has dwindled to almost non-existence.

SOmehow I still have confidence in my days...it's just when I wake each morning...I can't give her that kiss while she's still sleeping on may way to battle. That used to make my day...every day!!!!

[sotagoon]

OASIS... what do you mean by using the knowledge of knowing I love her to her advantage?

[LisaUk]

Your ex is a commitment phobe, it's clear to see, she changes a bit of her life then runs? Why is she constantly changing bits of her life? B/c she has no commitment. How is she using you to her advantage? B/c she can't commit to leaving you either, that's the problem, she knows you love her, she knows she can come back, when her push cycle ends and she starts to crave your love again. Get the book, it will help you to understand and move on, the only person who can help her is her. Check out overlyconfuseds thread, he's with one too, she just bailed right after they set the date to marry, just like my ex. You said she sniffed out the proposals and was off, there is your answer.

 

You have to focus on you now, I KNOW it's hard, h**l I have been suicidal at times, check out my back threads. You're going to get through this, keep posting.

[cyabye]

sorry...do not look my posts from a bitter or angry a**....

i have not experienced any of this s***....

i am single and never got cheated on....

some how i found this site from a guy(met when i was on-site) whose wife cheating on him, she used to write over here...i cracked her accounts that is when i found this site...

 

i found those files this month on my system...thats when i got registered...nothing else

 

Then what are you doing here? From what I read from your post, you have nothing positive or encouraging to say. You've stated you have never experienced any of this s***? Then what do you have to offer someone who is going through this (other than empathy which you don't)?

I find your presence disturbing to say the least.

 

cya

[nobmagnet]

ooops i shouldnt

Edited December 20, 2009 by nobmagnet

[Simon Attwood]

we need a remedy,antidote

 

 

And that remedy is understanding, tolerance & patience

[sotagoon]

I find myself going back and forth with my emotions and how to handle them. The funny thing is that I don't really have many triggers (ie...facebook/myspace...BTW...relationship poison if you ask me..I never have and never will use these things) that throw me back into the fire. I'v always been very goal oriented, but now I just can't seem to get that excitement back to charge forward toward my goals. I thinnk this may be because most of them included her.

 

I was mindful of not alienating her because of my own goals..in fact...I put most of them in a holding pattern in order to make sure that she finished nursing school. I knew once that was done we would have an easier go at day to day life. Now it seems like I have the hole to dig out of and she is getting her first leg out at the top.

 

Here's the thing....I'm not naive to the fact that there are a plethora of great women in the world..maybe even a few that would value me for alot of reasons....It's just that I CHOSE to LOVE her and to be loyal to her and to always be there. I know love isn't just a feeling, but a comittment to someone when the chips are down and whether you won or lost.

 

I feel like I have done everything a good man does not only for himself but for the woman he loves.

 

Why is it that I can build up little bits of strength to see myself in a good light, but minutes later I feel as though I failed?

 

When I think about the times she left before and then came back....all I can think is that since that first time...I have felt as though I wasn't good enough....so what did I do?....I improved and changed...for the better...and then was let down again....then repeat.

 

What is it that needs to happen for me to snap out of it?.....Realize that I know I don't want ot live like this and therefore can't be with HER?

She wasn't always like this...She wanted me to become better and I did...and then when I was there.....it was "smothering" yet also lacking somethng that makes her want to run somewhere else?

 

I'm lost..that's the only way I can describe it. It's like I have forgotten how to walk....talk and breathe on my own....and I'm the one that did it for two for so long.

Edited December 20, 2009 by sotagoon

[nobmagnet]

no you are not alone.

 

you never will be too.

xx

 

i have too put up with hidious behaviour from my ex time and time again. I am lucky however in that i am now seeing life in a positive light. I can see him for what he was and is. I can see me for who I am.

 

it trully is an important thing to protect yourself. NC and councilling and any anti-depressants available!! it takes time and understanding. Getting rid of the utter agony you are feeling .........you are re-born. it does and will happen some people take a very long time indeed others not. No timescale. no expectations. Oneminute at a time and remember the minutes it doesnt hurt.

 

big big hugs xx

[dazzle22]

From your postings, it sounds like you are a good, kind, honorable person who is honest in your relationships. She, however is not. I would have to wonder what kind of relationship modeling she observed in her family of origin?

 

You appear to be looking INWARD for the answers to why she won't stay, doesn't love, leaves, etc. That is the wrong approach. There is something WRONG with HER, that she does these things. What you need to look inward about, is why you would stay with someone who treats you so badly, over and over...good luck. This is a very painful situation.

 

Hopefully what you can learn from this is to pick a person who DESERVES your love and loyalty next time.

[sotagoon]

I'm sure that there were signs along the way that I missed, but I also know that no one is perfect. Everyone has tings that they struggle with.

 

The one thing I will say, is that the idea of "US against the world" was something I always struggled with. Not because I didn't believe that, but it wasn't overly mutual.

 

My self-woth/esteem has really taken a hit...and I was never this way.

In fact my confidence level seems to have been preserved, but could be so much greater. It seems as though I attached my worth to what I brought to the relationship. When the relationship takes hit after hit...the armor starts to fall apart. Now that there is no "apparent" relationship to build on, there is no foundation for my own worth.

 

I'm sure that this is what causes alot of problems as well as probably led to the ending.

 

When you do everything in your power to provide for the one you ove and they choose to go elsewhere...possibly harder on them....that is a real hit to the armor.

 

Myabe it's just that I am a traditionalist....but when one is down or needs a shoulder to lean on.....the other steps up and makes it happen. That is what making the choice to love is in my mind.

 

I think about how many times a SO gets sick and the other searches for comfort in another..ie....emotional affair and/or physical affair. I am/was stronger than that..and know who I am because of it.

 

To leave after someone stood by your side through everything....why?

Throughout her treatment...yes...sex was no-existent...but it couldn't be...physically. I was looking forward to the day we could have sex again...and when we were right there....off she goes?

 

All I think about is her off with some piece of s**t that will toss her to the curb when he's done with her and it kills me.

 

Just because it MAY be HER issues......doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve to have a good life....and I have to GIVE UP ON HER!

 

What is it that creates such a distance between two people after 8 years of consistant dedication....and what is it that made her come back before?

 

I'll admit...I'm not the DOS EQUIS GUY (Most Exciting Man on Earth)...but if I'm anything...I am loyal to a fault to the important people in my life.

[sotagoon]

What you need to look inward about, is why you would stay with someone who treats you so badly, over and over...good luck.

 

Hopefully what you can learn from this is to pick a person who DESERVES your love and loyalty next time.

 

 

To answer this: I whole heartedly believe that it cones from the loss of my father.

 

I don't understand that when someone loses a loved one (just like both of us have) like a parent....that one would never walk away from someone they love voluntarily.

 

Although my father wasn't exactly the warmest person....he pushed me all the time to be a better person, to always give everythting you have, and to NEVER GIVE UP!

 

I have been a big believer of the serenity prayer:

 

"God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not control, Control the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference."

 

I just want the woman I met and was with for the first 4+ years back..the one that believed in me and US.

 

I know I can not control this....it is her decision....I'm just having a hard time understanding why?

 

 

I know it's time for me to be selfish...do it for ME....I've just never had SELFISH in me.

Edited December 20, 2009 by sotagoon

[Trojan John]

I just want the woman I met and was with for the first 4+ years back..the one that believed in me and US.

 

I know I can not control this....it is her decision....I'm just having a hard time understanding why?

 

 

I know it's time for me to be selfish...do it for ME....I've just never had SELFISH in me.

 

I don't want to seem harsh, but that woman never really existed. She presented you what you wanted to see, then stabbed you in the back.

 

Why, you ask? Ultimately, because you allow it, her various issues notwithstanding. You let her stab you in the back over and over and over again. When will you realise that she will keep on doing it? That is her true personality. That is what she will give you each and every time you take her back.

 

Don't consider cutting her off, doing your own thing, and BEING HAPPY as a selfish thing. Consider it a necessary, cathartic thing. Time to excise your cancer.

[dazzle22]

There is a book called "Women Who Love Too Much". It really should be called People who love too much, but I think women suffer more from this due to the way we are raised to be people pleasers, but it was extremely enlightening for me. I also had this notion of extreme loyalty to those I love and it has bit me SO many times in the butt, I have none left! Loyalty needs to be EARNED, not given without merit. When we give undeserved loyalty, people take ADVANTAGE of us. They see this and know that they can step across appropriate boundaries because we give out those kind of signals.

 

I again encourage you to look at both of your families of origin. What was her family like? Somewhere she learned to be very FICKLE in relationships. Did one of her parents do this?

 

Who modeled loving too much to you? We all develop a psychological "grid" or set of glasses that we see the world through, based on what we grow up with. What I hear in your posts, is you don't understand why she doesn't SEE the world the way you do. Well, she obviously has a VERY DIFFERENT set of glasses..

 

Someone taught you that taking care of yourself and your needs was selfish. That others' needs and wants were more important and should come before yours. It is not SELFISH to practice self care and self preservation in life. It is the expression of APPROPRIATE boundaries that must be set with all people we know. Life is like a big fish tank. If you don't let the other fish know your boundaries and the limits of what you will and will not put up with, ...well, you see what will happen...

[sotagoon]

I again encourage you to look at both of your families of origin. What was her family like? Somewhere she learned to be very FICKLE in relationships. Did one of her parents do this?

 

Who modeled loving too much to you? We all develop a psychological "grid" or set of glasses that we see the world through, based on what we grow up with. What I hear in your posts, is you don't understand why she doesn't SEE the world the way you do. Well, she obviously has a VERY DIFFERENT set of glasses..

 

Someone taught you that taking care of yourself and your needs was selfish. That others' needs and wants were more important and should come before yours. It is not SELFISH to practice self care and self preservation in life. It is the expression of APPROPRIATE boundaries that must be set with all people we know. Life is like a big fish tank. If you don't let the other fish know your boundaries and the limits of what you will and will not put up with, ...well, you see what will happen...

 

I understand the "family of origin" theory. She comes from a dis-jointed family that is hard to describe. Her mother divorced her father shortly after her own cancer diagnosis. Her father did not want to be divorced, in fact he loved his wife very much. Toward the end of her mother's life....her father moved back into the home to take care of her and her brother because her mother was bed ridden.

 

In my eyes, she has never really been accountable to anyone, as she didn't really see eye to eye with her father, even though he was a great dad...just not allowed to be as present as he wanted to be. I never understood this?

 

For me, I am the oldest child...therefore a "parent pleaser".

When I was 21, my father drowned and I left college to take over his business. This was the means by which my family lived, and therefore needed to continue. My younger siblings both went to college and lived a fairly normal life sequence.

 

I will say this....I had to sell the business for a number of reasons about 4 years ago, and soon after is when the issues in my relationship started.

Although I still carried the ship....it was more stressful after the change in my career. The best times in the relationship were when we both we just working....no nursing school. It seemed almost immediate, in fact 3 weeks before she satrted nursing school was when she decided to walk the 1st time.

 

This is really hard to let go of the dreams of having a great life together. She is a very good person and I have evidence of that....I just can't get a grip on why she can have more loyalty to people that aren't as close to her. I mean I feel/felt like I was no more important than a any of her co-workers or marginal friends.

 

This normally wasn't a problem for me, because I was strong enough with myself....but I have nothing left anymore.

[dazzle22]

You do see how unbelievably ironic it is that her mom did EXACTLY what she did, right down to the cancer diagnoses?

 

You pegged her problem, she doesn't want to be accountable to anyone. Basically when the going gets tough, she leaves. She also has significant problems with intimacy with those who love her -she was this way to her father, and now to you. That is why she can be nice to those distant to her, but fickle to those who love her.

 

You fit perfectly together for this "dance", albeit a very dysfunctional one. She needs someone stable to "leave" and then bounce back and forth to, and you are the people pleaser, problem fixer. Perfect fit.

 

My guess is that she has a core of insecurity, and self loathing. Someone loves her, and then she can't understand why someone would love her, so she then discounts that person in her mind. These are all subconscious things, remember, not done "intentionally", but all because people just feel "compelled" to behave this way, given a pattern they grew up with.

 

You also have pegged where your difficulty lies. You have always been strong, but now you have nothing left, to give. Your family role has always been provider, protector, fixer, putting yourself second to the needs of the family.

 

I am not trying to be harsh with you. I have struggled with this same dynamic all my life. I was also the oldest child on whom all the family hopes and dreams and rescue fantasies were pinned on. If I did something "wrong", I let "everybody down". That is why I can see it so clearly when I hear it from someone else. You have to start focusing on self care, and set wider boundaries. I really feel for you. I know EXACTLY how this feels.

[sotagoon]

Dazz....not to worry....I actually value anyone who says it like it is.

 

I'm really struggling with my inner self right now.

I am a confident person, but when I say I have nothing left, I speak in terms of my self esteem. I feel like it all rushed out the door when she walked.

 

It took me 8 years to get to this point...0 self esteem....I am a very patient person, but if it takes that long to get ME back.....I already know I CAN'T handle that.

 

I love the person I was when I met her.....I loath the person I am now.

Being the person I was back then isn't possible anymore...so now what?

[dazzle22]

The identity of a "caregiver, protector" collapses when their purpose for living, the loved one, leaves. You need to get the YOU back whose identity is not validated by what you do for others, but for who you are, just are, as a person. That is very hard for us "doers/fixers. Our identity is very wrapped up in what we do for others.

 

I really encourage you to get the book I mentioned. Just reverse the genders in her analogies. I was reading out of it today and thinking of you and your situation. I read it over and over because I need to get those words "into" myself.

 

This will be like learning to ride a bike. When you first go out and try to do major self care, it will feel awkward, selfish, and you will be very tempted to get into another relationship where you can care for someone whose life is a mess. You will think, I can never ride this thing, it will never work, but slowly you will get the hang of it. I really think a counselor would be good at this point. Good therapists are extremely helpful for getting through such dark times.

[sotagoon]

Dazz...along with everyone else.....I really appreciate you taking the time to follow me and this post.

 

It's amazing that there are so many people that see the situation for what it is..and I'm starting to see it in little bits each day.

 

I know that I can stand on my feet by myself....it's just that I remember all the good things about her and I really value those. That's the part that makes me miss her so much.

 

I had a 2 year stint after my father died that I self medicated with some things I shouldnt mention here....and all I'll say...is that when she asked me for something as simple as a glass of water...the high was better than anything else I ever had.

 

The funny thing is that I know I need to take some time alone...for myself...but I wouldn't be right to start seeing someone until I can give it my all again....and I'm affraid of the amount of time it will take to re-fill the tank.

 

I will be looking for that book tomorrow after work. I have heard it mentioned before, so I should probably get it already.

 

Every night as I go to sleep, I ask God to give me the strength and the awareness to find my way through this.

 

No one will ever love her like I....and you know what...that doesn't even mean anything anyway.

 

No joke.....I used to dress in the guest room each morning so that the noise I created didn't disturb her sleep....I think I'm mentally sick!

Edited December 22, 2009 by sotagoon

[sotagoon]

I'm not sure what compelled me to do this today, but as I left for work this morning, I decided to lock the door? (In 10 years of living there...I have maybe locked the door 5 or 6 times....Usually only when gone for extended periods)

 

Part of me is/was put off by the fact that she was there last Friday at some point during the day to retrieve her snowboard gear....I'm assuming to enjoy some time with her new friends last weekend. Probably another guy as well????!!!!!!

 

What is the motive of taking only things as they are needed, when she so badly can not stand me anymore and wants gone? i guess if I were in that spot, I would want all of my belongings gone right quick.

 

This death by a thousand cuts is really straining and it seems that there is a lack of consideration for any of my feelings. Really.....8 years and now I'm not even as important as a notice that she will be there?

 

Like I said....the door was locked today...and who knows...she probably didn't need anything and never was there.....but non the less....It was done.

 

The pictures in my office are hard to take down.....it will make me feel like this is all for none.

 

Myabe it's the time of the year....but I am really having a hard time with the lack of purpose.....I'm starting to realize that I don't like the way I am and have been treated....but I just can't find a way to feel good about the future.

 

I have not had a good Christmas for a long time....and I have started to resent the people I see that are happy together.

 

Why did she just throw this all away???????