FlightLevel370 Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I'm new on here so please bear with me. A month ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional text/email/phone affair with a married man with 2 kids...we have been married 11years with a 9 and a 5 yr old...after the discovery, my wife said she stopped loving me 3 yrs ago when I took a new job with a 60% pay cut, but I am much better off now. However, I stressed about $$ a lot, and worked a lot, which led to neglecting the romance and more arguing. I have read several books on saving my marriage and managing conflict in relationships and have become more religious, qualities my wife's has been wanting for years, but she claims it's too late and firmliy decided to divorce. We are going to attend the Divorce Care group at church, a program designed to scare u outof divorcing....she said that's the only thing that may change her mind... I was wondering if anybody had some other advice to get her back...I failed with all the natural emotions, and just started trying the approach where u agree with all her thoughts and try to show her my own independence and self-improvement.... Thoughts??... Link to post Share on other sites
MrWhatever Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 My perspective is a bit different. My question is this, "Why do you want someone who doesn't love you or want you?" Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 welcome to loveshck. Sorry your here but glad you found us x I am thinking you are doing everything right! Have to say its very rare in the beginning but you seem to be going about this text book!! I really hope your church can spin this round for you. Good look xx keep posting x Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Valid point...maybe because this was all news to me, but she acted like everything was good....the kids are devastated cuz they never saw it coming either....I still love her, her response was "I know" or that she was no longer in love with me...I guess I'm clinging to the hope that I can change her mind before divorcing....I know our families r onboard with this....the problem is she's been hanging with a new group of women that seem to b instigating this....my wife is 38, her friends are 40-43...I think it may be MLC and/or early menopause....her mom started at age 38.... Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 good and very valid point! AGAIN! freinds can influence. if she is hormonal god help you! my mum hit the menopause at 30. She was a total utter mess. Nasty, moodswinging evil cow. Im dreading it thought i would have hit it by now too but havent..........ugh. stay as strong as you can. Ask somebody else to ask her to get a hormone test to see if she is going thro the early stages. If you ask her yourself you will be in for a hell ride trust me im a girl! keep up the great work. xxhugs Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 If you want her back you better act right now, time is still on your side, you have to listen to me if you want to do this right. Read my story if you want to. Here's your rundown. 1. Stop trying to save the marriage, it's dead. 2. Push the divorce 100%, show no fear no matter how hard. 3. Go no contact, or limited contact. you'll see NC or LC in posts. 4. Go out and meet new people. It's a 2 for 1 deal. 5. Agree with whatever she says, no matter how illogical. 6. Read some books on how to meet woman, or understand woman 7. Turn into single man as fast as possible. Your marriage is over. 8. Do not drink or use drugs in excess. 9. EAT 10. Exercise and take care of your health. 11. Buy some new clothes, another 2 for 1 deal 12. Do not ever tell her, I love you, or I miss you. ACT HAPPY 13. Scrap the MC and tell her she is right it's over, and why bother. 14. Change a bad habit in your life, now's the time. 15. Read some loveshack posts, especially the one's that mirror her feelings 16. Keep conversations with her strictly business, money and kids. 17. Keep all communication to under 10 mins, and you end the interaction. 18. Try to remember what drew her to you and become that guy again. 19. You can't change the past only the future, stop dwelling on what you did wrong, you can't change it, or learn from it if you dwell. I know you think I'm crazy but this stuff works, I'm a product of this way of thinking and changing. I've been here 4 months and I'm light years ahead of most of the people on here. I had the luxury of finding this site early in my seperation, maybe 2 weeks after. This site has a wealth of good and bad information. The one thing I did before following anyone's advice was answer 2 questions, 1. do they have their spouse back. 2. if they don't, did they see their mistakes and offer advice based on their mistakes. I received some very bad advice, which I wisely dismissed. Read Homer Macdonld's "Stop Your Divorce" One hell of a book. Counterintuitive thinking will get your wife back, remember that. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I'm new on here so please bear with me. A month ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional text/email/phone affair with a married man with 2 kids...we have been married 11years with a 9 and a 5 yr old...after the discovery, my wife said she stopped loving me 3 yrs ago when I took a new job with a 60% pay cut, but I am much better off now. However, I stressed about $$ a lot, and worked a lot, which led to neglecting the romance and more arguing. I have read several books on saving my marriage and managing conflict in relationships and have become more religious, qualities my wife's has been wanting for years, but she claims it's too late and firmliy decided to divorce. We are going to attend the Divorce Care group at church, a program designed to scare u outof divorcing....she said that's the only thing that may change her mind... I was wondering if anybody had some other advice to get her back...I failed with all the natural emotions, and just started trying the approach where u agree with all her thoughts and try to show her my own independence and self-improvement.... Thoughts??... she stopped loving u after u got a new job with a 60% pay cut ? what does ur new job pay have to do with her loving u ? was it because u continued neglecting her in spite of her complains for attention ? if yes then admit ur mistakes & u both can try counselling or church program which can work if both of u want to fix this. But if u think that she using these issues just as excuses to leave , u seriously need to change ur stand , just let her & others who are concerned know that it is she who is messing up ur faimly by having phone , email affair & wanting to split . dont let her feel that u are begging her to love u & stay with u , this will repulse her even more . show her that u can be as happier as u want with her /without her . Be strong , this is about self-respect especially when u know that it was not only yours fault . tell her frankly if she really does not care about ur marriage & dont want to try , u will never beg her for staying despite the fact that u still love her . honestly do u think its fair that she had some sort of affair & its u who is trying so hard to fix it ? ask her this question . Bets of luck Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 A month ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional text/email/phone affair with a married man with 2 kids... She wants out of the M. This is now a PA. Find out who the MM is, and tell his W. Good chance her MM will throw her under the bus. Expose, before it's too late. Then ask yourself, "Self, why would I want a W who had sex with another man?" Do you not deserve love from a faithful partner? We all do. It's the green light, from God, to end the M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 All really great advice...I'm quite sure it was only an emotional affair...I saw this MM on facebook...ugly!!!...I'm gonna get Homers book tonight...keep giving me the good advice though....I feel much better already!!! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 You dismissed him coz he was ugly? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 I'm gonna get Homers book tonight. Is that a Homer's plug? Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 A month ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional text/email/phone affair with a married man with 2 kids... She wants out of the M. This is now a PA. Find out who the MM is, and tell his W. Good chance her MM will throw her under the bus. Expose, before it's too late. Then ask yourself, "Self, why would I want a W who had sex with another man?" Do you not deserve love from a faithful partner? We all do. It's the green light, from God, to end the M. ^^^^^^ This right here. When a WS cheats on the BS, in the WS's eyes it's always the BS's fault. Classic part to justify their activities which they KNOW ARE WRONG, but blaming the BS helps supress the guilt and anxiety. As hopes said, Expose, Expose, and Expose some more. To anyone who will listen. Friends, family, everyone. Yeah your wife will get pissed, so what. She brought this upon herself, she needs to live and feel what the consequences will be. Read up on the 180 and start right now. The church counseling thing, that's a cop out. She's deep in la la land. Only one thing will snap her back to her senses is a swift smack across the forehead with the 2X4 of reality. How do you do that 1. Expose 2. 180 her azz to death She needs to see and feel the consequences of her A from friends and family, see you distancing yourself from her and "moving on " without her, and experience what life will be like without you and her children in it. Until that happens, you are just spinning your wheels. Eventually you are going to have to give her a choice. A. End the A, and work on repairing your marriage B. Divorce. Those are the ONLY options. You ARE NOT going to "love" her back into the marriage. Prepare to move on. If she returns, great. If not, well that's OK too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 As for her reason for falling out of love with me, when we would argue, I'd clam up and maybe take up to a day to come around....that is what she claims pushedher away....like I said, with all the save your m books I've read, I have fixed a few minor spats with her...but she says she doesn't have it in her to try anymore (BS)?....I told her she's selfish to do this for HER, as we r a family and we should do what's best for the unit... As for my job, I'm an airline pilot and just got my raise...I'm making more $$$ than I ever have; she said the marriage was never about $$$... The MM she was texting-he's about 240 LBS...not athletic...W is 5'4" and 112 lbs...this guy was just telling her what she wanted to hear....it was a 5 wk affair.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 The A is over...I chk the cell records (not to say she doesn't have another phone), but I left a scathing msg with the receptionist where he works....I sent him some emails/texts...non-threatening....he texted my W and told her never to contact him again, and that she and I r F-ing psychos LOL!!! I found his address...he's listed in the phonebook....I'm considering sending his wife hardcopies of the emails Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 As for her reason for falling out of love with me, when we would argue, I'd clam up and maybe take up to a day to come around....that is what she claims pushedher away....like I said, with all the save your m books I've read, I have fixed a few minor spats with her...but she says she doesn't have it in her to try anymore (BS)?....I told her she's selfish to do this for HER, as we r a family and we should do what's best for the unit... As for my job, I'm an airline pilot and just got my raise...I'm making more $$$ than I ever have; she said the marriage was never about $$$... The MM she was texting-he's about 240 LBS...not athletic...W is 5'4" and 112 lbs...this guy was just telling her what she wanted to hear....it was a 5 wk affair.... Emotional affairs, very powerful things, are not about looks... at least not for women imo. It's possible that the marriage breakdown is not about him. So when you read the posts that say that the marriage is dead in the water.. and all that.. how do you feel hearing that? Do you still love her? Link to post Share on other sites
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 As for her reason for falling out of love with me, when we would argue, I'd clam up and maybe take up to a day to come around....that is what she claims pushedher away....like I said, with all the save your m books I've read, I have fixed a few minor spats with her...but she says she doesn't have it in her to try anymore (BS)?....I told her she's selfish to do this for HER, as we r a family and we should do what's best for the unit... As for my job, I'm an airline pilot and just got my raise...I'm making more $$$ than I ever have; she said the marriage was never about $$$... The MM she was texting-he's about 240 LBS...not athletic...W is 5'4" and 112 lbs...this guy was just telling her what she wanted to hear....it was a 5 wk affair.... Probably true. If you were clamming up, you were not communicating with her. Failing to communicate ignores the issue and can be interpreted as you do not care. You say she "acted" like everything was "good." Maybe she attempted to tell you what she needed from you, but you ignored her. Telling her she's selfish will not make her come around, trust me. Especially if she has any resentments toward you. She may not give a hoot about your salary. My H makes six figures but I begged him for a few years to look for another job, even if it paid $40k less to spend more time with me and our children. What did he do? Accepted a management position that required more time away. Because he gave her attention and fulfilled some of her emotional needs. His 240lb frame may have been appealing to her. Do not assume he was just telling her what she wanted to hear. They could have genuine emotions. As a WW, this is my advice. You are NOT to blame for her actions. She was wrong. However, try to understand how you may have contributed to her loneliness and decreased feelings toward you. Like her, I was angry and ready to separate, but my H had multiple conversations with me to find out what I was missing and how he could help meet some of those needs. Be extremely firm about what you will NOT tolerate, but do not play games. Do what is in your heart, if you love her, show her. But do not overdo it, she may feel as if you are not sincere with your actions initially. Try not to get discouraged, she may change her mind. Give it a chance, you'll know when to let go if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Well, there ya go..ignore your W for a bit, clam up, as you say, and she is ripe for an A. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 Yeah, I do still love her...she said she wanted out 3 yrs ago, then 18 mos ago she met with a lawyer to c about a divorce....but decided not to for the kids and I....she says she's noticed the positive chgs in me over the last month...but claims it's too late.... I've read how powerful the emotional affairs can b...but I still think it's workable...I know, sounds dumb. If I was sure she slept with this guy I'd b gone, but she's kinda religious (believe it or not) and I made her swear on the Bible and our kids' lives that it was nothing more than that....I don't think she wouldve done that and lied... Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 My stbxh was/is religious as well and I made him swear on our son's and his mother's life that he was not physical with his other woman...his affair had been physical for months... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 How do u guys feel about Homer M's book?....before I drop $80 on it... Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 People who have A's do not understand the devastation it causes. They will swear on a stack of bibles that nothing happened. It's as though something is missing in their brain, they do not compute. Cheaters lie, big time. It's all part of their M.O. The worst part about a spouse having an A? The lies leading up to and being in one. Being deceived. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 There are many good books out there, and the good ones usually follow the 180 but with a few variations to make a couple bucks.... This is the 180--save your money. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 My stbxh was/is religious as well and I made him swear on our son's and his mother's life that he was not physical with his other woman...his affair had been physical for months... This has crossed my mind...since we haven't had sex since before I found out...we used to do it about 3x a wk... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 i wouldn't go to the divorce class - i wouldn't read a book at this point. are you reading what people have posted here? exposed the A to OM's wife. she has been deeply involved with him and it is sure to take a turn if his W knows what you now know. he may be ugly - but he was able to get your wife's attention and affection - does that not tell you a lot? shut off all communication with her until SHE begins to do the hard work it takes to figure out why SHE could justify in her mind cheating on you. when SHE begins to change and make solid effort to mend the M - then you may have something to consider... until then - do nothing except expose it to his W. she created it- she shouldn't find a problem with you telling what the truth of the situation is. it was probably physical too, just to let you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 She thanked me for letting her go when I said I was for splitting...she said she doesn't want to try to mend, unless the church divorce class chgs her mind; it's a 13 wk course... Link to post Share on other sites
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