annnnnnnd I hate myself officially... (Pretty much broke NC, but thru a channel)

[bananaboat11]

No, I didn't break the NC... luckily I'm stronger than that (thanks to all of you)... but it's JUST as bad. I have no respect for myself at the moment... somehow I ended up talking to a mutual friend, one that I believe respects me... she keeps telling me I'm a great guy and blah blah blah... (I did tell her tonight to stop blowing smoke up my ass... to which she denied it)

 

...anyhowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I read her the riot act.

 

Which, basically... I f'd up. I knew I should've blocked her too... fml. I fed my ex's ego... you all were so good to me and I let you all down. I'm sorry.

 

I let myself down...

 

I asked the mutual friend to keep our conversation between us to which she assured me every conversation is... but girls will be girls (no offense, ladies... it's like bro's before ho's... ladies before wankers... ugh)

 

The conversation went like this...

 

Me: I'm guilty

 

Her: What r u talking about, guilty of what?

 

Me: Going against my head's advice and listening to my heart... I know I'm still in repair... but that is because I truly cared. I always did, despite the outcome. I'm sorry and thank you.

 

Her: u should not feel bad bc u cared about her. Be happy that this all happened before you spent new years with her. she is a good person, but she is not the person 4 u.

 

(this is where I lost it... FML)

 

Me: Did she ever care or was I used? She was so fake to me and I nevered to hurt her and she ended up burning me. Whatever. I bet you this stay between us. No offense but I am being kept in the dark. Didn't feel good... you can tell her she won. She hurt me good when all I wanted was to give her my world. But that wasn't good enough. Took mew a few weeks but I finally got my closure from within no thanks to her. I am not like one of her douchebag ex boyfriends that cheated on her and hurt her but if that's how it is, so be it.

 

Good luck to all of you. Regardless that I was falling in love or not... I wish her the best and happiness if she marries her ex. G'nite.

 

Her: I honestly don't know... All of our convos stay between us. (BULLSH*T ON BOTH STATEMENTS, I CALL)

 

Me: Her Loss.

 

Her: Very True. Ur a great guy.

 

Me: You're a great person and I think highly of you, but no offense.. don't blow smoke up my ass.

 

Her: Not blowing smoke. I think ur nice and helpful guy.

 

Me: I'm done being nice. Nice guys clearly finish last. F That.

 

Her: No they don't. Be nice 2 nice.

 

------------

 

and I didn't respond... I got sick of this conversation. I clearly ****ED UP huge... and this is NOT a friend. This is Nicole's friend. Clearly wants to use me for my knowledge into heath, diet, fitness, wellness, exercise, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc...

 

ughhhh

 

*deletes her phone # too*

 

Begin flaming my stupidity.

 

I'm going to go lie down now. Good luck to all of you. Don't be foolish like me. I thought I was stronger than this.

[D-Lish]

Well yes, friends do tend to tell each other everything- but don't beat yourself up over it. A little slip here and there is pretty normal.

 

For your own sanity it IS best that you distance yourself from everything and everyone associated with your ex.

 

When my ex of a few years ago brutally broke up with me- his friends and brother that I had become close with bugged me to meet them for lunch. I knew I wasn't ready, but I didn't want to be mean so I sucked it up and met them for lunch. It was painful, and it caused me to have a set back- but I got through it, and you will too.

 

Hold tight.

[Angel1111]

I don't know - maybe she wouldn't have told her anything. She might've been sincere. I wouldn't have said that to anyone if I didn't mean it. Maybe she normally would've talked until you said that the conversation was between the two of you. You seem pretty volatile these days, blowing up at people. I guess that's understandable. You were with an abuser. They're asses, plain and simple. They play games, they mess with your head, they tear you up from the inside, out. And then, when you're not looking, they come back and do it again.

 

I don't know what to tell you except to stay away from everything that even hints at this idiot ex of yours until you're more ready to deal with it. It doesn't matter if she hears about this conversation or not. It doesn't matter what she thinks. If she gets pleasure out of hearing about your pain, then she's truly sick. There's nothing about her that's significant to you anymore, except her permanent absence.

[bananaboat11]

I really can't believe how irrational I was/am... and like a fool, I posted it to exclaim, "look at me, I'm an idiot..."

 

[Angel1111]

I really can't believe how irrational I was/am... and like a fool, I posted it to exclaim, "look at me, I'm an idiot..."

 

 

I also recommend wearing a sign on your forehead, just in case the rest of the world missed your post. You're just a little nuts right now. It's understandable. Maybe this would be a good time to dust off the old punching bag.

[bananaboat11]

I also recommend wearing a sign on your forehead, just in case the rest of the world missed your post. You're just a little nuts right now. It's understandable. Maybe this would be a good time to dust off the old punching bag.

 

 

heh

 

i wonder if I can edit it..

 

EDIT: nope... it won't let me ugh

[Serena2009]

Hey banana,

 

This is NO biggie!! Trust me. What you did is nothing. There's no shame in it and the only problem is how it's making YOU feel. You got emotional about her with her friend, so what. You won't do it again because it made you feel like crap so no loss. Pick your self up, dust yourself off, nothing is lost, tomorrows another day. Keep your chin up!!

[bananaboat11]

Thanks guys... wow, I really was irrational last night..

 

your kind words help.. a lot. I need to control my emotions. =/ I am still feeling void inside and it sucks, but I get better every day.

 

I began thinking.. I have money (thanks to my hard work & my parents ).. but I drive a 2008 Kia Spectra... not a BMW or VW. I'm on a grad student salary.. not making 7 figures / year (like she says her ex bf who she is back with - last time we spoke over 3 months ago when she told me) but will one day hopefully make something to live comfortably, do what I love (so it's not like I'm going to 'work'), and help people w/ Type II Diabetes (my mother is prediabetic & both her parents are T2DM)...

 

Life is good.

 

 

I don't / shouldn't want a girl who is with my

[duece22022]

hey bananaboat, i know this won't make you feel better. but i was thinking about contacting one of our (my ex and i) mutual friends. i couldn't decide if this was a good or bad idea. i was trying to get answers about the breakup that my ex failed to explain. After reading you afterthoughts i think this would of been a mistake. Again your post really helped me and i am thankful. my ex also lefted me wondering why she would hurt me like this. would your advice be just don't make any contact? that seems to be the uderlying rule on this site. Thanks

[GrayClouds]

Thanks guys... wow, I really was irrational last night..

 

your kind words help.. a lot. I need to control my emotions. =/ I am still feeling void inside and it sucks, but I get better every day.

 

I began thinking.. I have money (thanks to my hard work & my parents ).. but I drive a 2008 Kia Spectra... not a BMW or VW. I'm on a grad student salary.. not making 7 figures / year (like she says her ex bf who she is back with - last time we spoke over 3 months ago when she told me) but will one day hopefully make something to live comfortably, do what I love (so it's not like I'm going to 'work'), and help people w/ Type II Diabetes (my mother is prediabetic & both her parents are T2DM)...

 

Life is good.

 

 

I don't / shouldn't want a girl who is with my

 

Man stop being so hard on yourself. All you did was to express yourself and you really did not say anything but your mad at your EX for letting you down.

 

And why compare yourself to someone you do not want to be. If you were about money, that would have been the goal your pursued. Your much more humanistic driven so accept it and know she would have never been happy because her values are not the same as yours. Your lucky you find that out now. So give it some more time and then go find a yourself hippy chick...ok maybe not hippy, (does anyone even use that word anymore?) but some one who share the idea people come first and who will love you for being you not for who you might be.

 

2008 Kia Spectra? hell next to my 26 year old beast with a predisposition for a dead battery, your in the lap of luxury.

[Blueberry7691]

BananaBoat,

I just want to thank you for taking the time out to respond to my earlier post.

When I read this thread, I thought' That sucks! But, I fully understand why you did what you did. Hey, you're hurting. You really cared for this girl and you put yourself out there to her friend and told her how you felt.

 

Kuddos to you!!! You're not a scumbag of a guy just looking for a fling. You're a guy with sooo much integrity, and love...Who doesn't want that?

 

So, you blabbed to her. So what? It's not the end of the world. Like the other posters said, you pick yourself up and say F it!! and keep going. It only makes you a stronger person.

 

You are wonderful...

[waterrat]

Hey BB...I have read some of your posts. Just went back and read your original one. Someone in there replied along the lines of the relationship being Toxic. Sorry but I must agree, and I do not direct this towards you in anyway.

 

You see it goes like this....break up/back on is nothing but push/pull, basically a fear of abandonment so she leaves before you can. Comes back because she knows you will be there and only because she does not want to be alone. Who knows what or who she was doing while you were not together.

 

Says all kinds of nasty things about you after the B/U..Painting you BLACK. Saying nice things to you when you are together...painting you WHITE. Black and White thinking is not healthy, most stable people see gray in there too. This is also a major flag. Black and White thinking also means she sees things as right or wrong....good or evil... not good.

 

Reason I say these things is because I have been there, 6 months removed since lst break up. Stict NC since then, but do expect her to contact me again at some point....she always has.

 

They are the hardest realtionships to get over because your head is always freakin spinning around, walking on eggshells, never know how they will react.

 

Hey, I could go on.....not sure if you have been using any other sources to try to understand or help yourself heal or not. I have found some amazing websites that have put things into perspective for me. Like I mean WOW. It seems there are millions of people who have all dated the same woman, or man for that matter !@!!!

 

Anyway, you need to stick to your NC..it will get better. If you would like to know about those sites I mention above let me know and I will post them. I am sure they will really open your eyes to what is REALLY going on here!

 

Cheers,

Edited January 12, 2010 by waterrat

[Blueberry7691]

Waterrat,

Yes!! Please let me know of those sites if you can.

Sorry to BananaBoat for stealing this thread.

thx

[bananaboat11]

YES! PLEASE POST THEM.

 

I figure she is a low-self esteem girl who was on the rebound.. she sees a tall, smart, attractive guy w/ a great body (not trying to sound conceited)... she jumps him. She could've had any guy in the class, mind you... (that really does sound conceited ha)

 

... she was insecure... unstable... immature... a party girl.. oh and a brat. Her parents are divorced... and she was only thinking of herself.

 

I'm still burning inside, but the best I can do is REMOVE her completely from my life. I ****ed her many, many, many, many times... she squirted every time... she'd grab my cock every where. I was a rebound. She never loved me... and you know what... I have to accept this. It sucks.

 

But you know... your ex.. I'm sorry to say, will try to contact you. My ex, Nicole... will try to contact me eventually.

 

It always happens. and it blows.

 

I have a program in my phone that hangs up on numbers I "instruct" it to.. her number is in there. LOL

 

she's blocked on FB.. all the mutual friends.. blocked. I've removed her 100%

[waterrat]

Firstly, Blueberry your posts and situation are very vague as you do not get into much detail about your situation. I just quickly read a few of your posts and somewhere you mentions seeing things from a different perspective. I sense you seek information to understand yourself and not your ex's behavior?? These sites are mainly geared towards understanding and coping with SO behaviors and how to cope with them. Please tread with caution and an open mind.

 

BB11, this first site is where I started, which in time lead me to the second. The first being mainly for men who are going through this but can be associated to both sexes as the characteristics are generally the same. Hope you find this helpful. There are hundreds of hours of reading here!

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/

read the reader comments below the articles....

 

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

[bananaboat11]

BananaBoat,

I just want to thank you for taking the time out to respond to my earlier post.

When I read this thread, I thought' That sucks! But, I fully understand why you did what you did. Hey, you're hurting. You really cared for this girl and you put yourself out there to her friend and told her how you felt.

 

Kuddos to you!!! You're not a scumbag of a guy just looking for a fling. You're a guy with sooo much integrity, and love...Who doesn't want that?

 

So, you blabbed to her. So what? It's not the end of the world. Like the other posters said, you pick yourself up and say F it!! and keep going. It only makes you a stronger person.

 

You are wonderful...

 

 

Wow... thank you

 

It'll get easier for both of us... eventually.

 

Sometimes I still cry myself to sleep. It sucks, but I get better from day to day and you will too.

[Serena2009]

YES! PLEASE POST THEM.

 

I figure she is a low-self esteem girl who was on the rebound.. she sees a tall, smart, attractive guy w/ a great body (not trying to sound conceited)... she jumps him. She could've had any guy in the class, mind you... (that really does sound conceited ha)

 

... she was insecure... unstable... immature... a party girl.. oh and a brat. Her parents are divorced... and she was only thinking of herself.

 

I'm still burning inside, but the best I can do is REMOVE her completely from my life. I ****ed her many, many, many, many times... she squirted every time... she'd grab my cock every where. I was a rebound. She never loved me... and you know what... I have to accept this. It sucks.

 

But you know... your ex.. I'm sorry to say, will try to contact you. My ex, Nicole... will try to contact me eventually.

 

It always happens. and it blows.

 

I have a program in my phone that hangs up on numbers I "instruct" it to.. her number is in there. LOL

 

she's blocked on FB.. all the mutual friends.. blocked. I've removed her 100%

 

Good for you blocking her everywhere including your phone!! Okay banana, I'm going to challenge you here, because I think you're strong enough, and in an effort to help you move along in the process. My question is:

 

Beyond the steamy sex, what was so good about the relationship??

[bananaboat11]

Good for you blocking her everywhere including your phone!! Okay banana, I'm going to challenge you here, because I think you're strong enough, and in an effort to help you move along in the process. My question is:

 

Beyond the steamy sex, what was so good about the relationship??

 

The blowjobs sucked

 

ummm... umm.. she made me feel really sexy. I always knew I had a good body... and my penis is larger than average, but I don't know.. she made me feel... "wow"... but in addition.. being 'wanted'.. felt nice, but now in retrospect... that isn't a relationship. That's a fling. I guess I needed to finally just 'pop' and break down to finally get over this. I'm kind of happy did...

 

And I honestly couldn't have done it without any of you...

 

and when I'm 100% healed.. I will still post here to help those in need like you all helped me. And to keep in touch with you good people. There are VERY few of us out there

[bananaboat11]

Come to think of it... I never asked ANYTHING of her... never asked her for sexual favors...she always wanted it...

 

ugh

[Serena2009]

The blowjobs sucked

 

ummm... umm.. she made me feel really sexy. I always knew I had a good body... and my penis is larger than average, but I don't know.. she made me feel... "wow"... but in addition.. being 'wanted'.. felt nice, but now in retrospect... that isn't a relationship. That's a fling. I guess I needed to finally just 'pop' and break down to finally get over this. I'm kind of happy did...

 

And I honestly couldn't have done it without any of you...

 

and when I'm 100% healed.. I will still post here to help those in need like you all helped me. And to keep in touch with you good people. There are VERY few of us out there

 

Okay banana, I'm going to ask you again, what, if anything, was good about this relationship for you outside of the sexual sensations??

[bananaboat11]

Okay banana, I'm going to ask you again, what, if anything, was good about this relationship for you outside of the sexual sensations??

 

 

I enjoyed time spent with her... except when we argued.. ie her yelling @ me about something else...

 

which was most of the time

 

other than that... it was a very physical relationship...

 

 

[Serena2009]

I enjoyed time spent with her... except when we argued.. ie her yelling @ me about something else...

 

which was most of the time

 

other than that... it was a very physical relationship...

 

 

 

Outside of the sex, what about her made her enjoyable to spend time with??

[bananaboat11]

i miss hearing about her day... her baby sitting... her past... this ended at the end of summer.. she didnt handle stress/class well.. (and we dated till beg of November.. when she dumped me over facebook...) =/

[bananaboat11]

i hated hearing about hearing of her ex boyfriends though................

[Serena2009]

i miss hearing about her day... her baby sitting... her past... this ended at the end of summer.. she didnt handle stress/class well.. (and we dated till beg of November.. when she dumped me over facebook...) =/

 

Okay, so she helped with your lonliness by describing her day, and her past, but, what about her personality and her character, if anything, do/did you truly love and truly miss??