How an Emotionally Neglectful Childhood Can Leave Someone Vulnerable for an Affair

[Devil Inside]

So....Spark asked me in another thread how I felt growing up in an emotionally neglectful environment led me to have an affair. To be honest, at first I thought to myself...it would be an awesome thread and I am sure in many ways helpful. However, I found myself avoiding writing about it. So, tonight, I am going to hunker down and get it done.

 

Now, before I start I want to request something...this is only a request as this is an open forum, but in the spirit of having a good and educational discussion let me just say this: what I am about to write is in no way me making excuses for my behavior. I am responsible and accountable for WHAT I do. WHY I do things is really the key to change. So this is written not to absolve me of what I have done, but to shed light on what may have led me to this circumstance, what made me vulnerable, and maybe give others some insight into themselves or their loved ones. So having said all that...please save your fingers and don't post.."well you are a cheater and these are just excuses." For one, we have heard this a million times. Second, it becomes a cue for thread jacking and the eternal BW v OW debate. Third, it really makes you look narrow minded and rigid. Yes I made a mistake, no I don't deserve a second chance, and yes if I want to change then I have to take active steps towards that goal. Understood.

 

The other thing I want to say prefacing this thread is that even though I bring my thought process, knowledge, and experience as a therapist to the table as I write this, I am mostly drawing upon my personal experience as a MM and BS.

 

So anyways..on with it. As I have written in other threads, I grew up in a home devoid of affection and love. I was lucky to not grow up in an abusive environment, I always had a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear, in fact we were very comfortable. However, my mother and father were too involved in their own messes of lives to really pay attention to me or my sister. My father and mother married because my mother was pregnant with me at 18. so right off the bat my father entered a relationship with a woman that he did not want to be married to. As I look back now I marvel at the thought that these two were ever married...it makes almost no sense. So, my father is working full time, is a full time student, and the sole bread winner. So, he starts to have affairs. Growing up before the D I had no real memory of my father. He was always gone "working." My mother, started to become depressed. She has some emotional disorder in her family and I think she suffers from some emotional disorder herself. She is very passive, and I think she knew what was going on. As my father withdrew into affairs she withdrew into a depression. This was the environment I grew up in. The reason two people forced themselves to be together and in turn the reason they were living their lives separately and the reason my mother was deteriorating.

 

When I was ten my mother and father divorced. This was a good thing for them, and big picture for us. However, when they did my father got a job out of state. So, my mother, being lost in her own inability to take care of even herself allowed my father to take us with him to another state. I saw her twice a year for a long weekend. She called maybe weekly. My father was a workaholic and womanizer. He was also extremely intolerant of incompetence and impatient. I tired as hard as I could to win his approval, but always fell short.

 

So as a result of this a few things happened to me. One, I learned that the best way for me to deal with my emotions and need for intimacy and affection was to bury them. I could not allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone ever. The minute I needed someone was the minute they would screw me over. So even though these feelings and needs were there..they were buried deep, and they were never met because I was not in an environment that could provide them, and in time I wouldn't allow them to even be expressed.

 

Another thing that happened was that I had a deeply ingrained belief that all people that you count on will eventually let you down and leave you. Yup...good old abandonment issues. So what happens is if anyone gets too close I start to push them away consciously and subconsciously.

 

So I come into life with these deeply rooted and well disguised insecurities and needs. On the surface I appeared to be a person that needed an appropriate amount of affection and expression of love. Not at all clingy or in need of outside validation. I appeared to have healthy self esteem. Nothing could be further from the truth. I married a woman that is healthier than me. She gives me an appropriate amount of attention and expresses love in a controlled and sweet manner. I tried to convince myself this was enough. However, my soul is a grand canyon. I need so much love, affection, and affirmation that my wife never had a chance. As time went on I felt this chasm grow and grow. I tried to express to her that I needed more, but a part of my dysfunction is that I have trouble asking for what I want, and honestly I do not think there are many women that can actually provide the love I so desperately desire.

 

So..enter my xAP. She came in and gave me that which I desired. She showered me with attention, affection, and made me feel desired. The problem was that beyond her ability to do this there was not a lot there. She was also broken, and unlike me, she did not do a good job of covering this. The whole time I was with her I knew she was not the right "one" but she made me feel so good that I could not say goodbye.

 

As I look back I realize how my inability to express what I needed was a set up for me to have an affair. The combination of me needing a very high level of affection and not being able to express it left my wife in a no win situation.

 

Truth be told, my W is probably not going to be able to make me happy. It is going to take a very special woman to help me feel whole. It is also going to take me continuing on this path growth and self discovery.

 

Thanks for reading this rambling novel. Please comment.

Edited February 6, 2010 by Devil Inside

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks for sharing this, DI. I want to ask you something. I am influenced of what I have read about the Split Self affair. There it is mentioned that the two spouses primarily love the other's public self, since they have not shared their emotional selves with each other. Could this be the case with you and your wife? You describe your wife as being healthier than you. Is this really the truth? Does she not have her own issues to work with? Is not her vulnerability and her emotions buried deep as well?

[Spark1111]

We have so much in common. It sounds as if we grew up together in separate towns!

 

Here is where I believe we differ: My father, the first man in my life, lavished me with time, affection and attention, despite his womanizing, drinking and workaholism. He taught me to believe in myself and that I was beautiful and smart; that I could achieve all I desired in my career and in my relationships and that I had the abilities to change what wasn't working. He taught me to hold myself in high-regard. He made me feel cherished and special and confident.

 

So, in relationships, I always had what I wanted or the resources to try and change it. Because I already felt special, I did not need external validation from men and could not be easily manipulated by their attentions. Because my father encouraged me to express my feelings, I do not have a problem doing so in a relationship.

 

My WS, who seemingly grew up in a lovely intact family, had a terrible relationship with his mother. She was manipulative and moody and he felt he could never please her. He lacked attention from her and recieved validation only when he was a "good boy," which he frequently, due to undiagnosed ADHD, was not. His personna and his need to prove he is a good enough boy makes him easily manipulated by external validation.

 

So I know it is all so freudian BUT, at some point, I believe a creditable IC will ask THIS question after the devastation of an affair. whether you be a BS, WS, OW/OM: Tell me about the relationship you had with your opposite sex parent.

 

Because I do believe that relationship teaches us about our desirability or vulnerability in being a stable partner to our SO.

 

And if there are many unmet needs in that primary relationship that remain unexamined and unfulfilled by OURSELVES. we remain at risk to subconciously make poor choices to have them met by others.

[silverfish]

So....Spark asked me in another thread how I felt growing up in an emotionally neglectful environment led me to have an affair. To be honest, at first I thought to myself...it would be an awesome thread and I am sure in many ways helpful. However, I found myself avoiding writing about it. So, tonight, I am going to hunker down and get it done.

 

Now, before I start I want to request something...this is only a request as this is an open forum, but in the spirit of having a good and educational discussion let me just say this: what I am about to write is in no way me making excuses for my behavior. I am responsible and accountable for WHAT I do. WHY I do things is really the key to change. So this is written not to absolve me of what I have done, but to shed light on what may have led me to this circumstance, what made me vulnerable, and maybe give others some insight into themselves or their loved ones. So having said all that...please save your fingers and don't post.."well you are a cheater and these are just excuses." For one, we have heard this a million times. Second, it becomes a cue for thread jacking and the eternal BW v OW debate. Third, it really makes you look narrow minded and rigid. Yes I made a mistake, no I don't deserve a second chance, and yes if I want to change then I have to take active steps towards that goal. Understood.

 

The other thing I want to say prefacing this thread is that even though I bring my thought process, knowledge, and experience as a therapist to the table as I write this, I am mostly drawing upon my personal experience as a MM and BS.

 

So anyways..on with it. As I have written in other threads, I grew up in a home devoid of affection and love. I was lucky to not grow up in an abusive environment, I always had a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear, in fact we were very comfortable. However, my mother and father were too involved in their own messes of lives to really pay attention to me or my sister. My father and mother married because my mother was pregnant with me at 18. so right off the bat my father entered a relationship with a woman that he did not want to be married to. As I look back now I marvel at the thought that these two were ever married...it makes almost no sense. So, my father is working full time, is a full time student, and the sole bread winner. So, he starts to have affairs. Growing up before the D I had no real memory of my father. He was always gone "working." My mother, started to become depressed. She has some emotional disorder in her family and I think she suffers from some emotional disorder herself. She is very passive, and I think she knew what was going on. As my father withdrew into affairs she withdrew into a depression. This was the environment I grew up in. The reason two people forced themselves to be together and in turn the reason they were living their lives separately and the reason my mother was deteriorating.

 

When I was ten my mother and father divorced. This was a good thing for them, and big picture for us. However, when they did my father got a job out of state. So, my mother, being lost in her own inability to take care of even herself allowed my father to take us with him to another state. I saw her twice a year for a long weekend. She called maybe weekly. My father was a workaholic and womanizer. He was also extremely intolerant of incompetence and impatient. I tired as hard as I could to win his approval, but always fell short.

 

So as a result of this a few things happened to me. One, I learned that the best way for me to deal with my emotions and need for intimacy and affection was to bury them. I could not allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone ever. The minute I needed someone was the minute they would screw me over. So even though these feelings and needs were there..they were buried deep, and they were never met because I was not in an environment that could provide them, and in time I wouldn't allow them to even be expressed.

 

Another thing that happened was that I had a deeply ingrained belief that all people that you count on will eventually let you down and leave you. Yup...good old abandonment issues. So what happens is if anyone gets too close I start to push them away consciously and subconsciously.

 

So I come into life with these deeply rooted and well disguised insecurities and needs. On the surface I appeared to be a person that needed an appropriate amount of affection and expression of love. Not at all clingy or in need of outside validation. I appeared to have healthy self esteem. Nothing could be further from the truth. I married a woman that is healthier than me. She gives me an appropriate amount of attention and expresses love in a controlled and sweet manner. I tried to convince myself this was enough. However, my soul is a grand canyon. I need so much love, affection, and affirmation that my wife never had a chance. As time went on I felt this chasm grow and grow. I tried to express to her that I needed more, but a part of my dysfunction is that I have trouble asking for what I want, and honestly I do not think there are many women that can actually provide the love I so desperately desire.

 

So..enter my xAP. She came in and gave me that which I desired. She showered me with attention, affection, and made me feel desired. The problem was that beyond her ability to do this there was not a lot there. She was also broken, and unlike me, she did not do a good job of covering this. The whole time I was with her I knew she was not the right "one" but she made me feel so good that I could not say goodbye.

 

As I look back I realize how my inability to express what I needed was a set up for me to have an affair. The combination of me needing a very high level of affection and not being able to express it left my wife in a no win situation.

 

Truth be told, my W is probably not going to be able to make me happy. It is going to take a very special woman to help me feel whole. It is also going to take me continuing on this path growth and self discovery.

 

Thanks for reading this rambling novel. Please comment.

 

Do you believe that you can be happy with anyone at all? Given what you have said about the level of affection and the reassurance you need in a relationship, how would any woman be able to fulfill your needs without losing her sense of identity in the process?

 

When I went to MC, something was mentioned about children of divorce...that they are 'stuck' emotionally at the age they were abandoned. I don't know much about it but it made sense of a few things to me.

[silverfish]

 

And if there are many unmet needs in that primary relationship that remain unexamined and unfulfilled by OURSELVES. we remain at risk to subconciously make poor choices to have them met by others.

 

Thanks Spark you put it much better than I did. BTW my father was a womaniser too, do you think that has affected the way you view men now at all? As an child I was very conscious of how my dad viewed women, and a part of me thinks that ALL men see women like that. It leads to my feeling insecure and jealous, although I try & keep it under control

[Spark1111]

Thanks Spark you put it much better than I did. BTW my father was a womaniser too, do you think that has affected the way you view men now at all? As an child I was very conscious of how my dad viewed women, and a part of me thinks that ALL men see women like that. It leads to my feeling insecure and jealous, although I try & keep it under control

 

No, it doesn't and here is why: I think my parents were polar opposites who wanted very different things out of marriage, but circumstances threw them together and like many couples, they married for the wrong reasons.

 

My father's womanizing was a thinly-veiled attempt to boost an insecure ego and an unhappy marriage, and here is an anomaly: He truly liked women! Respected them! Held them in high regard and treated them all well. Even, yes, even my mother. We were NEVER allowed to say one bad word about her. Neither would he.

 

He was not the sexual conquistador like philandering men. Rather, he fell in love too easily with women who he would never have given him the time of day had he not been a successful writer.

 

Guess what? He did not receive enough attention from HIS mother!

 

But as a father, he was very successful. He gave me confidence. I can whiff in a heartbeat if a man is truly interested in me, the person, or only interested in what lies underneath my clothing. I know in about 10 minutes if someone is trying to manipulate or seduce me or guilt me for reasons having nothing to do with me.

 

No. My strong relationship with my father helped me to read the intentions of males with confidence.

[EricaH329]

I was emotionally neglected as a child also. And physically abused.

 

I've found my situation to be similiar and also different.

 

I'm used to craving the love and affection from my mother that I never got. I was so focused on getting what I wasn't recieving, that I didn't pay much attention to anything else.

 

As I got older, I realized that's how I went about relationships. I would try so hard to get their (my boyfriends) love and affection, but once I got it I didn't know what to do with it. So I pushed them away until I eventually left them. Sort of like, once I got their love I turned into my mother (ouch!).

 

My situation is different from yours, though, because I was so used to becoming focused on one person, that i've never felt the need to go to anyone else. I persued one person at a time.

 

That unattainable love you talk about, i'm all too familiar with.

 

Or maybe it's because I don't know how to handle the love that's given to me?

 

Anyway, I feel for you. I guess all we can do now is make a promise to ourselves that we will never, ever allow our children to deal with what we had to deal with.

[sally4sara]

I was emotionally and physically abused for most of my childhood.

I've never betrayed any expectation of fidelity in any relationship I've had.

 

I always just assumed that my childhood left me devoid of any feelings of entitlement in the face of others expectations or needs.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks for sharing this, DI. I want to ask you something. I am influenced of what I have read about the Split Self affair. There it is mentioned that the two spouses primarily love the other's public self, since they have not shared their emotional selves with each other. Could this be the case with you and your wife?

 

Hmm...that is interesting. There are many things I love about my W. She is a really good friend. She is an amazing mother. She has a big heart. However are these part of her "public self" and not really who she is at the core? Who really knows. I would be inclined to say that she is a more genuine representation in the public and private then I have ever been.

 

As for the parts of me that she loves...well...I have been told my women that my vulnerability can be extremely attractive (in doses) which is definitely not my public persona at all. So I would tend to think that this theory does not apply to my marriage too much, however, it is hard to really see your own relationship.

 

 

 

You describe your wife as being healthier than you. Is this really the truth?

 

I think so. She definitely has her issues. However, she has more of a core then I do. She has gone to therapy a few times in her life and has been able to resolve her issues because she does not have to dig so deep for them.

 

 

Does she not have her own issues to work with?

 

She still has a few things to work on, however, she has self awareness.

 

 

Is not her vulnerability and her emotions buried deep as well?

 

I think that in many ways society allows for women to wear their emotions much closer to the surface. She is much more balanced then I, and when she gets hurt it is usually over something that is predictable and justified...I am much more volatile.

[Devil Inside]

We have so much in common. It sounds as if we grew up together in separate towns!

 

Here is where I believe we differ: My father, the first man in my life, lavished me with time, affection and attention, despite his womanizing, drinking and workaholism. He taught me to believe in myself and that I was beautiful and smart; that I could achieve all I desired in my career and in my relationships and that I had the abilities to change what wasn't working. He taught me to hold myself in high-regard. He made me feel cherished and special and confident.

 

This is such a gift. It is also the reason I have always tried to make my daughter feel loved by me. I too want to raise her to understand that she is worth the world to me, the first man in her world, and so, any knucklehead that is talking to her needs to treat her with respect and love.

 

 

 

So, in relationships, I always had what I wanted or the resources to try and change it. Because I already felt special, I did not need external validation from men and could not be easily manipulated by their attentions. Because my father encouraged me to express my feelings, I do not have a problem doing so in a relationship.

 

This is another thing I work with my children on. Emotional intelligence holds a higher premium in my household then does book smarts. They have good genetics, they do well in school, but I want them to be able to understand their emotional selves, ask for what they need, and be able to read the people around them. Poor kids, they never stood a chance having a therapist for a father.

 

 

 

My WS, who seemingly grew up in a lovely intact family, had a terrible relationship with his mother. She was manipulative and moody and he felt he could never please her. He lacked attention from her and recieved validation only when he was a "good boy," which he frequently, due to undiagnosed ADHD, was not. His personna and his need to prove he is a good enough boy makes him easily manipulated by external validation.

 

As a young adult I always thought my main issue was not getting the approval of my father. However, what I have learned i the past few years was that I really have "mommy issues" more than anything. It manifests as general irritation towards my mother. My W and sister have both gotten on my case because when I interact with my mother they say I seem irritated and distant.

 

 

 

So I know it is all so freudian BUT, at some point, I believe a creditable IC will ask THIS question after the devastation of an affair. whether you be a BS, WS, OW/OM: Tell me about the relationship you had with your opposite sex parent.

 

Because I do believe that relationship teaches us about our desirability or vulnerability in being a stable partner to our SO.

 

And if there are many unmet needs in that primary relationship that remain unexamined and unfulfilled by OURSELVES. we remain at risk to subconciously make poor choices to have them met by others.

 

This really is the key Spark. You are dead on. So even though I talk about meeting a woman that can fulfill me, I know that the majority of my issue is about me. I need to be self validating. Believe it or not I have made strides. The fact that I am even aware of what I write is a huge step. IC has really helped in that way.

[Devil Inside]

Do you believe that you can be happy with anyone at all? Given what you have said about the level of affection and the reassurance you need in a relationship, how would any woman be able to fulfill your needs without losing her sense of identity in the process?

 

When I went to MC, something was mentioned about children of divorce...that they are 'stuck' emotionally at the age they were abandoned. I don't know much about it but it made sense of a few things to me.

 

I can be happy with someone else...but you make a good point...I need to be happy with myself first.

 

In many ways I feel bad for my W. I think that I will evolve, but by the point I do I will be gone. She deserved better.

[Devil Inside]

 

Anyway, I feel for you. I guess all we can do now is make a promise to ourselves that we will never, ever allow our children to deal with what we had to deal with.

 

Thanks for sharing. I knew there are a few of us affection starved pits of love walking around out there. I agree with not passing this affliction on. I shower my poor kids with love, affection, attention, and respect. They are awesome kids and I am so lucky.

[Devil Inside]

 

I always just assumed that my childhood left me devoid of any feelings of entitlement in the face of others expectations or needs.

 

That is interesting. I think that in many ways I felt the same for the first seven years of my M. I do not think that I deserved the more that I wanted. I guess when someone came a long and scratched that itch I realized how much I did want it.

[Jeff1962]

 

Truth be told, my W is probably not going to be able to make me happy. It is going to take a very special woman to help me feel whole. It is also going to take me continuing on this path growth and self discovery.

 

Woah, woah!!!! Dude. Sounds to me like you are expecting your wife to fix you. Your wife cannot fix you, she can only support you. YOU have to fix YOU.

 

Good insight into yourself. If your wife stays with you then you are a very lucky man.

 

Good luck to you mate.

[Samantha0905]

Thanks for sharing all of that DI. My exAP had a childhood where his mother rejected him. I can't imagine. He is mistrustful and seems to be looking for approval and love from a woman. Perhaps it's why he tends to pick older women as I was 14 years older than him.

 

You've made me reflect as I wonder what is going on with me. I'm the youngest of 14 (that alone may have effected me in some way) and grew up in a very happy family.

 

I have wondered -- and thank you for the preface of your post about excuses -- if my brother dying three weeks before I married messed me up in some way. Again, definitely not saying that caused the problems in my marriage or my affair. I really think, however, our perception and reaction to past events effects us greatly. If we were all bastions of strength we could choose how it effects us (theoretically), but that's easier said than done.

 

I do agree with Jeff -- we have to be happy within ourselves and not expect someone else to make us happy.

[Spark1111]

I guess that is the key to it all: If I am unhappy, I look to fix me. My father taught me I had everything I needed to fix myself.

 

So many look to externals to do the fixing: career, success, money, status, relationships, and then wonder why they are STILL not fulfilled, still not happy.

 

It is so much easier to blame the job, the marriage, the kids, the boss...

 

All diversions from doing the hard work of introspecting, IMHO.

 

Also, how difficult do you have to make it? Try communicating your true needs in a calm and kind manner to a partner with unresolved parental issues: they grow defensive, justifying, angry and counter-attack, shut down.....

 

Holy smokes.....I am not your neglectful mother from childhood!!!!

 

So, I believe, if we enter marriage with these unresolved issues, we most definitely bring them to our partner's table....whether they deserve it or not.

[blair08]

I guess that is the key to it all: If I am unhappy, I look to fix me. My father taught me I had everything I needed to fix myself.

 

So many look to externals to do the fixing: career, success, money, status, relationships, and then wonder why they are STILL not fulfilled, still not happy.

 

It is so much easier to blame the job, the marriage, the kids, the boss...

 

All diversions from doing the hard work of introspecting, IMHO.

 

Also, how difficult do you have to make it? Try communicating your true needs in a calm and kind manner to a partner with unresolved parental issues: they grow defensive, justifying, angry and counter-attack, shut down.....

 

Holy smokes.....I am not your neglectful mother from childhood!!!!

 

So, I believe, if we enter marriage with these unresolved issues, we most definitely bring them to our partner's table....whether they deserve it or not.

 

 

I love this! And its so true!

[Brokenlady]

I married a woman that is healthier than me. She gives me an appropriate amount of attention and expresses love in a controlled and sweet manner. I tried to convince myself this was enough. However, my soul is a grand canyon. I need so much love, affection, and affirmation that my wife never had a chance. As time went on I felt this chasm grow and grow. I tried to express to her that I needed more, but a part of my dysfunction is that I have trouble asking for what I want, and honestly I do not think there are many women that can actually provide the love I so desperately desire..

 

Is this a really objective assessment? I recall that she sought out and had numerous EA's and a PA. Arguably, she had more energy available that she could have poured into your realtionship, and it went elsewhere. Also, I think it's hard to remove her infidelity as an influence to your decision to have an affair. I'm not blaming her, but I supect her transgressions played a role, however slight.

[freestyle]

Is this a really objective assessment? I recall that she sought out and had numerous EA's and a PA. Arguably, she had more energy available that she could have poured into your realtionship, and it went elsewhere. Also, I think it's hard to remove her infidelity as an influence to your decision to have an affair. I'm not blaming her, but I supect her transgressions played a role, however slight.

 

 

If I recall DI's story correctly, he was unaware of his W's infidelities when he began his affair.

I believe that revelation came after he confessed to his A.

 

So his was not a revenge A, although, if his W was emotionally absent due to her involvement elsewhere, that could have very well influenced his looking elsewhere for his emotional needs.

[Woggle]

My childhood was pretty much as hellish as you can get yet I have never cheated on a woman.

[Brokenlady]

So as a result of this a few things happened to me. One, I learned that the best way for me to deal with my emotions and need for intimacy and affection was to bury them. I could not allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone ever. The minute I needed someone was the minute they would screw me over. So even though these feelings and needs were there..they were buried deep, and they were never met because I was not in an environment that could provide them, and in time I wouldn't allow them to even be expressed.

 

Another thing that happened was that I had a deeply ingrained belief that all people that you count on will eventually let you down and leave you. Yup...good old abandonment issues. So what happens is if anyone gets too close I start to push them away consciously and subconsciously.

 

So I come into life with these deeply rooted and well disguised insecurities and needs. On the surface I appeared to be a person that needed an appropriate amount of affection and expression of love. Not at all clingy or in need of outside validation. I appeared to have healthy self esteem. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

I know these feeling so well. In recent years though, I've stopped trying to hide my brokenness. I'm not sure it's actually been the result of effort, but rather the result of the weight of it all finally crushing the facade. That's not to say I spill my guts for anyone in a 5 ft radius of me, just that I've been trying real hard to be comfortable in my own skin. Basically, yes world- I have emotional problems, but I work and do the best that I can. It's ok not to be perfect.

 

Trust has always been a major issue for me, and my involvement in an affair, particularly with someone who continually lied to me to have it both ways because he wasn't comfortable with himself either, is not going to help matters any. If you find a resolution to that trust issue for yourself, let me know - I'm all ears.

[Samantha0905]

My childhood was pretty much as hellish as you can get yet I have never cheated on a woman.

 

Well, good for you Woggle. I mean really -- good for you. There are some that aren't as strong.

[OWoman]

Thanks for your honesty, DI - I found your post very courageous. I'll post a more considered response later.

[jennie-jennie]

Reading this thread has prompted a few questions, actually something I've always wondered about. I apologize if I'm derailing. It's been said so many times in so many places and this thread also, that we must make ourselves happy. Care to expand on that anyone?

 

I reacted to this too. Of course we need to have an inner sense of self-worth and self-esteem, but we are human beings, and as such we have a need for relationships with other human beings. It is only natural to desire to have a partner with whom you can share life and love and sex.

[sally4sara]

That is interesting. I think that in many ways I felt the same for the first seven years of my M. I do not think that I deserved the more that I wanted. I guess when someone came a long and scratched that itch I realized how much I did want it.

 

About halfway through my first marriage and upon finding a letter to my husband from one of his coworkers that proved he was cheating again, I almost did the same in revenge. His alcoholism, the problems that created had caused me to no longer enjoy sex with him. When I wouldn't want to have sex, I'd get accused of cheating so I usually just went ahead with sex anyway despite having no interest.

I approached a male friend to, I guess exact my revenge by sleeping with another. As soon as I told him what I wanted, I regretted it. It just felt so wrong and I immediately told him I couldn't follow through with it. It just isn't in my character to cheat even in a bad relationship. Even with the childhood experiences one might think would make someone more likely to cheat. Even with a lack of sexual satisfaction for myself.

I carried on for another 3 years until I became aware of yet another coworker of my husband carrying on with him at a new job. He left our marriage to move into the house of "One of the guys from work". After he left I learned the guy was the new girl's brother and she lived there too.

He tried to come back a month later but I had dealt with enough from him and wanted to get through the year apart requirement needed to file separation.