Ex mixed up or playing me?

[aimchase]

Hi all, this is my first post but i've heard great things about the site so hope to come on regularly.

 

I've been with my wife for five years and married for three. We have two small children. Early last year the wife became distant and dramatically changed character, particularly after the birth of our second child (I always thought it was just a phase of PMT). She started going out frequently at weekends and left me to look after the children. She claimed she worked hard all week and needed her space.

 

Thing is, I loved her (and still do) dearly but was feeling more and more alienated. By July things had got really strained as she seemed no longer committing, and we agreed to separate.

 

Her post separation behaviour was upsetting but predictable. She has a lot of mental issues and takes medication, but she is also in need of frequent attention. There is no way she would be able to carry on as a single woman, and sure enough within a couple of months she had met some guy online who she started seeing. She still sees him every weekend now, although he is far younger than her and she claims he's just a platonic friend.

 

She claims that this was all an 'escape' but still sees him. Anyway, after months of hostility she approached me in January and asked how i'd feel about making a go of things again. This was hard as i'd dealt with a horrid six months prior, but said we should be friends and see how we go.

 

We met up a few times and inevitably slept together. She continued to invite me over, although this was only in the week as weekends were always with the other 'platonic' guy.

 

Suddenly though she has once again become distant. When asked what's wrong, she said that she's really mixed up, doesn't know what she wants, and can't decide if it's me she misses or whether she's just lonely.

 

I still think she loves me (she says she does), but has a barrier. I also think she's using me as a safety net though whilst she searches around.

 

Anyway, just weeks after suggesting we see how it goes about reconciling, I now see that she's joined loads of dating sites and is openly speaking to men again. I can't say anything about it but just can't suss where her head is.

 

What is going on? Do I just walk away again and leave her to ride this 'phase' (i'm sure that's what it is). Clearly she's mixed if she's online, seeing a weekend guy, and speaking about making things up with me, but the constant change in what she says and how she acts is impossible to work with.

 

Incidentally, she obtained papers ready to file for divorce several months ago but still hasn't done anything about it. She says she's not bothered about it yet. In some ways I think it would be best if she did, so I could just move on, but my heart still beats for my wife and children. Luckily, I see the children very regularly but I dearly miss living with them as a family.

 

Thanks for reading War and Peace!

[mimidarlin]

She's a cake eater or fence sitter. Everyone will recommend that you go no to low contact. Work on your own life and your relationship with your children. You love her and have two important connections with her. However, you do not deserve to be played with or used as her safety net. Treat yourself with respect and expect respect from your relationship.

 

It is likely that she had inappropriate relationships before you separated. She doesn't know what she wants but you can decide what you want. It might be difficult to admit that it is over but you can file for divorce as well.

[imagine]

Aim she is cakeeating.

 

You can continue to be a doormat or recognise that you need to change the game. Firstly, do not look desperate. Secondly, expose her EA. Check that it is not a PA.

 

Let her know that you will endure her disappearance despite your affection for her. Does she want to continue her game.

 

She sounds medically unfit to look after your kids. Will she pass the motherhood test?

[aimchase]

Thanks for comments guys.

 

mimi - you are right about her past relationships and she's even recently poured her heart out to me about her previous marriage and how she felt used in that. You are also right in looking to move on - it's tough but I think that's what must be done. What really irks me is that I was starting to make grounds with getting on with things, then she pulls me back and suggests uniting the family again. That's where i'd always be at choice, though I have to ask whether i'd really trust her. The answer is undoubtedly not - i'd always have a hunch that she's online, chatting to various gents, and despite her not having an affair whilst we were together, her character is as such now that I could see it happening in the future. Whatreally grips me though is that she was nothing like this for years, but then she just turned. Hence a part of me still thinks its an illness that will pass, but then again she's been ill to an extent through all her adult life.

 

Imagine - I hear your comments on not looking desperate and hope that I haven't done thus far. I have definitely been receptive though and this may give her the confidence that i'm still there for her. I'm not interested in exposing her though, the kids have to come first and anything which rocks the boat between us is damaging to them. People know she sees this guy, though the fact that she's searching for other men now confirms to me that he's running on borrowed time too.

[aimchase]

Well apologies if this isn't too relevant but I guess it helps to air it off my chest.

 

I took the advice given and went to see the wife. I told her that that marriag, particularly when you have a family is gugely important to me and was always worth working for, but she clearly wasn't of the same opinion. She can only run away from things, she never deals with them.

 

Anyway, I told her that to move on I must shut contact as much as possible. I explained that this wasn't a spiteful move but purely to give me the freedom to get on with my own life. She looked a bit teary at one point but then said that she welcomed my comments and that it helped her to move on too as she felt awkward with me being around. I found that strange considering only a couple of weeks ago she was still talking about a reconciliation!

 

Maybe I shouldn't have asked but before I walked out the door I asked her, 'just one last question - do you still love me?'. She replied, 'do I have to answer that? You might not like it'. I said it was fine whatever the answer was, then surprisingly she said, 'yes I still love you'. I then responded, 'then i'll never understand', and walked out of the door.

 

And I won't ever understand, but i'm now intent on moving on. Will she start hanging around again? Possibly - she has a mountain of debt and I think a lot of her persona is pat of hiding from a lot of issues, but I made it clear they are for her to deal with now and I will no longer be the safety net.

 

I hope that is considered the right move by members of this forum. I guess a part of me will still want my family back, but I can't dwell on it any longer.

 

Thanks for reading.