Ilovecake Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 Neil Sedaka’s Breaking Up Is Hard to Do calls attention to the pain experienced when a relationship ends. It’s especially difficult when the decision to end it wasn’t yours. No one likes getting dumped, but you will eventually recover. In the meantime, you can prevent a great deal of drama and anguish by avoiding these mistakes. Refusing to Let Go 1. Phone calls: If your ex has made it clear that it’s over, don’t give in to your desire to call begging for another chance. You will only drag out the time it takes to heal by continually opening the wounds. Even if the encounters begin in a polite or pleasant manner, inevitably, the issues that caused the break up will resurface. If they couldn’t be resolved before, they probably can’t be now. 2. Surprise visits: Don’t show up unexpectedly. First, you might find your ex in compromising circumstances and only cause yourself more hurt. Second, your visit may seem like an intrusion on personal space and she may react in ways that will be painful. Finally, you may end up feeling more scorned than you did initially. 3. Your ex’s stuff: Don’t use dropping off your ex’s belongings as an excuse to stop over. The same reasons discussed above apply here; also, he may see your offer to drop things off as an excuse to reconnect. And don’t destroy valuable property that he’s expecting to collect. You could invite legal problems as well as other types of retribution. 4. Romanticizing the breakup: Do not recreate a “movie scene.” You know the type: The guy stands outside the window and serenades his lost love. Or he chases her taxi across a rush-hour bridge to tell her he loves her. Those scenes were written to make us feel good. Life doesn’t work that way, and you may end up feeling like a fool. Holding On to the Past 5. Breakup trysts: If you do talk to your ex, don’t plan to meet for breakup sex. He’s made it clear that he no longer wants to be with you, and if you still care for him, you could end up feeling used. Not a good feeling! 6. Favorite hangouts: Don’t hang out at the places you frequented together, especially if you know that your ex and/or her friends will be there. That’s just asking for an unpleasant and uncomfortable encounter. No, it’s not fair to have to restructure your life, but it may not be forever, depending on the situation. At least allow for a cooling-off time. Getting Back at Your Ex 7. Family/friends: Do not call his parents and friends looking for sympathy. They will not join your “I hate (fill in the blank)” club. They like him. They may humor you at first, but don’t expect that to last for long. And you will look like an angry, spiteful ex-girlfriend. 8. Nix the vandalism: Never, ever vandalize your ex’s property. Do not key her car. Do not break into her home and destroy the CD of the song you danced to on your first date. Do not rip up all the flowers growing in her front yard. Don’t! For starters, it’s illegal. There a lot of other reasons, but in the end, ten years from now, you won’t want to look back and feel ashamed of such irrational behavior on your part. 9. Storytelling: Don’t tell every person you come into contact with the whole bloody story and then list all his faults and mistakes. Spreading rumors won’t bring the satisfaction hoped for. People may begin to avoid you for fear of having to listen to hours of ex-bashing. According to Deepak Chopra, holistic-health guru and author, reliving negative experiences can be harmful for your health. Instead, try to remember the good times and move on. 10. Destroying other relationships: Do not hit on/date/have sex with/marry your ex’s best friend, family member, or boss to make her jealous or to get even. Destroying her relationship with this person to make you feel better about losing the one you had with her is just plain vindictive. Nothing good can come of it. While that individual also makes a choice by choosing to respond to your advances, you are the instigator and must take responsibility for your actions. Moving On in the Relationship The relationship has ended, and you may be hurt, angry, and bitter. But holding on when the other party has made it clear the relationship is over will only cause you pain and embarrassment. Taking action to get back at your ex may make you feel better at the time, but it is an unproductive use of your time and energy and may have legal ramifications. The more you focus on healing and moving on, the sooner you may find a new – and better – relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
sunrae Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 Thanks for the post.. All good reminders. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 Good post. Wish I had this list way back when... Link to post Share on other sites
sunrae Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 I know right... I'm sure the last long term guy I dated, really appreciated me showing up at his house at 2am, sobbing, mascara running down my cheeks, all snotty nosed... Real attractive catch I must have been.. I have read so many self help books after this last split, that I could start my own self help book store.... Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 I know right... I'm sure the last long term guy I dated, really appreciated me showing up at his house at 2am, sobbing, mascara running down my cheeks, all snotty nosed... Real attractive catch I must have been.. Mmmm...! :love: Link to post Share on other sites
counterman Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 Great post. I probably could relate to a few of those mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 This can be summed up in three short words: "Let them go...." Link to post Share on other sites
GAboywillprevail Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 Good info, I printed it out and it resides next to rules of NC...... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 I know right... I'm sure the last long term guy I dated, really appreciated me showing up at his house at 2am, sobbing, mascara running down my cheeks, all snotty nosed... Real attractive catch I must have been.. I have read so many self help books after this last split, that I could start my own self help book store.... Lol..that is so funny. I didnt do that but it wasnt above me. I read all the self help books too...lol...wow!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 Great advice, So far I have done a good job at doing NC. Its been 9 days. 9 looong days. Its very hard to go from talking to someone everyday to not talking to them at all. I would be lying if I said I didnt miss him. But I know deep down inside I am better off. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 Great advice, So far I have done a good job at doing NC. Its been 9 days. 9 looong days. Its very hard to go from talking to someone everyday to not talking to them at all. I would be lying if I said I didnt miss him. But I know deep down inside I am better off. hugs and ice cream with a cherry on top!!! my heart goes out to you. Dont be like me....PLEASE!!! please!! please!!!...follow the advice given to a "t" . You will have to be a soldier to stand up and ride the rollercoaster but you will be the Big Dog or Doggette and feel soooo much better!! Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 hugs and ice cream with a cherry on top!!! my heart goes out to you. Dont be like me....PLEASE!!! please!! please!!!...follow the advice given to a "t" . You will have to be a soldier to stand up and ride the rollercoaster but you will be the Big Dog or Doggette and feel soooo much better!! I love ice cream! yummm.. thanks 9lives.. and also ILovecake this forum has helped a lot. everytime I felt the need to call, text , or drop by, I logged onto this forum. 9lives how long has it been since you last spoke with you ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Author Share Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 I love ice cream! yummm.. thanks 9lives.. and also ILovecake this forum has helped a lot. everytime I felt the need to call, text , or drop by, I logged onto this forum. 9lives how long has it been since you last spoke with you ex? We text today because he wants to come get his washer and dryer. so I have to be a big girl and let him get his s...t!!! I have made several of the mistakes on the list above ...lol...some people learn the hard way. I didnt want to let go for NOTHING...but now I understand and I am letting way Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 I love ice cream! yummm.. thanks 9lives.. and also ILovecake this forum has helped a lot. everytime I felt the need to call, text , or drop by, I logged onto this forum. 9lives how long has it been since you last spoke with you ex? call mother,father, sister brother cousin auntie grandma....ANYBODY but the ex....anybody!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 Uh oh...I wish I'd seen #8 before I defiled the printer he has stored at my house. Oh well, he'll probably think his cat did it. Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 call mother,father, sister brother cousin auntie grandma....ANYBODY but the ex....anybody!! agreed.. I have called my friend so much, Im surprised shes not tired of me. Also she calls be to check up on me to see how Im doing. Several times I have called her and told her I need some uplifting advice, to put me back in my peaceful place. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 agreed.. I have called my friend so much, Im surprised shes not tired of me. Also she calls be to check up on me to see how Im doing. Several times I have called her and told her I need some uplifting advice, to put me back in my peaceful place. Preach!! peaceful place. I have learned the hard hard way..thank God for peace. let go and thats is what you do...NOTHING ELSE. nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. i like this too. ya we were the ones who stuck around even when the going got tough. waahhhhh i cant handle this anymore wahhhhhh im leaving wahhhhhh Link to post Share on other sites
just1guy Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. Agree 100% Link to post Share on other sites
bananaboat11 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. wow... i like that Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. From our standpoint, this may feel like it's accurate...and it will certainly make us feel better about the breakup...but we as dumpees often forget about the other viewpoint...the objective third person viewpoint of the relationship... Sometimes the dumper isn't cowardly at all...sometimes the dumper realizes that you are not that great of a partner and doesn't want to be with you anymore...we often get so caught up in the emotional part of the breakup and never stop, look at ourselves, and ask if our exes were right to leave us...we're not all perfect, and we might even have issues that need to be resolved before we can be in a happy and healthy relationship... Sometimes there are external circumstances which force the dumper's hand...wrong place...or wrong time...and it takes strength to actually break up with someone for the better of both sides...not all relationships work out due to LIFE...a relationship can only work if it becomes a harmonious melding of two completely separate lives...and if they aren't perfectly in sync, it just sometimes won't work... Of course, sometimes are exes are cowardly and leave an otherwise healthy relationship for whatever reason...but even then, as Ilovecake said, we must come out of the breakup as better individuals... I just wanted to give a different perspective to this... Link to post Share on other sites
bananaboat11 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 From our standpoint, this may feel like it's accurate...and it will certainly make us feel better about the breakup...but we as dumpees often forget about the other viewpoint...the objective third person viewpoint of the relationship... Sometimes the dumper isn't cowardly at all...sometimes the dumper realizes that you are not that great of a partner and doesn't want to be with you anymore...we often get so caught up in the emotional part of the breakup and never stop, look at ourselves, and ask if our exes were right to leave us...we're not all perfect, and we might even have issues that need to be resolved before we can be in a happy and healthy relationship... Sometimes there are external circumstances which force the dumper's hand...wrong place...or wrong time...and it takes strength to actually break up with someone for the better of both sides...not all relationships work out due to LIFE...a relationship can only work if it becomes a harmonious melding of two completely separate lives...and if they aren't perfectly in sync, it just sometimes won't work... Of course, sometimes are exes are cowardly and leave an otherwise healthy relationship for whatever reason...but even then, as Ilovecake said, we must come out of the breakup as better individuals... I just wanted to give a different perspective to this... OK, OK.. I admit... I'm ****ing crazy! [looney smiley face here] Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 This can be summed up in three short words: "Let them go...." This is what I totally love about guys...very few words, lot's of meaning...I could have written a book with those three words...lol If you think about it the dumpers are the weak ones. They're the ones who cowardly quit on us because they couldn't handle the heat. We who have been left behind are the tenacious, courageous and mighty. We must act accordingly, no matter how much it hurts. I some cases, they can't handle what is real...we can...this is really good ILC Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ilovecake Posted February 18, 2010 Author Share Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) From our standpoint, this may feel like it's accurate...and it will certainly make us feel better about the breakup...but we as dumpees often forget about the other viewpoint...the objective third person viewpoint of the relationship... Sometimes the dumper isn't cowardly at all...sometimes the dumper realizes that you are not that great of a partner and doesn't want to be with you anymore...we often get so caught up in the emotional part of the breakup and never stop, look at ourselves, and ask if our exes were right to leave us...we're not all perfect, and we might even have issues that need to be resolved before we can be in a happy and healthy relationship... Sometimes there are external circumstances which force the dumper's hand...wrong place...or wrong time...and it takes strength to actually break up with someone for the better of both sides...not all relationships work out due to LIFE...a relationship can only work if it becomes a harmonious melding of two completely separate lives...and if they aren't perfectly in sync, it just sometimes won't work... Of course, sometimes are exes are cowardly and leave an otherwise healthy relationship for whatever reason...but even then, as Ilovecake said, we must come out of the breakup as better individuals... I just wanted to give a different perspective to this... Perfectly in sink? Life is not an opera. If you're that set on relationship perfection you will be alone for a long time. Your posts remind me of that character on Saturday Night Live, Debbie Downer. Edited February 18, 2010 by Ilovecake Link to post Share on other sites
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