How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[ConflictedGuy27]

First of all, let me say that much of the advice I've seen given here at LS is top notch. Which is why I'm looking for some help. I'll try to keep this as to the point as possible.

 

My wife and I have been married for 3 years (aniversary was on 2/24); she's 26 and i'm 27; and since January I've been going through torture - she asked for a divorce on 1/23/10.

 

She basically said that needs to find herself, that we don't do many exciting things together, that we've basically grown apart, and she basically feels trapped in the relationship. While this "discussion" was going on, she was crying, as I was too. She seemed really sincere, as she was not yelling or anything. I was obviously shocked - as I thought our marriage wasn't in this much trouble... In any event I try to keep her talking, to find a way that we could resolve this situation like any other conflict we've had in the past.

 

I should mention that we got into a fight the previous week about how we don't do new stuff (she's been wanting a tattoo also); as a result of that fight we made this list of new things to do in 2010 - all was very new, pretty exciting stuff (i.e. skydiving, learning to ride motorcycles, ziplining, etc.)

 

Back to the D day talk: So I say to her, I don't understand, we just put this list together a few days ago - we can do that stuff. Why do you want to end our marriage? She just kept saying that she's thought long and hard about it and over about 2 years she's been unhappy...

 

She swore there was no OM, but that was not the case...

Basically we end the conversation and I'm just... omg, devestated. So I ask her later that day, "you know what, if you really want to do some new stuff together, lets accelerate our list..." I signed us up for motorcycle training that day. I also started looking around for skydiving places. She liked those ideas.

 

The following week she was very cold. She would get home from work anywhere between 9pm - 1am, claiming that there was an after work happy hour or something and had to go. She works in an office w/ a lot of professional twenty somethings. When she did get home and came to bed she would usually be in a sweater an sweat pants - don't touch me clothes. When I would try to cuddle up to her, she wasn't having it and also, she began sleeping with her cell phone... Keeping it very out of sight...

 

We all see the signs at this point...

 

She would wake up before me and sit up thinking in the mornings and in the shower she would just stand there with the faucet showering her head; I thought she was either severely stressed out at work, or depressed. (I imagine that was intense guilt... She probably started sleeping with OM about this time) After seeing this day in and day out for a week I started waking up with her and showering with her - washing her back, comforting her, etc. I saw that she was very "well groomed" in that area, which was something she usually only did for me, from time to time... That was a huge red flag for me.

 

Anyway we do some skydiving and start motorcycles at the tail end of January, we had fun, but she was still coming home late and was very withdrawn emotionally - she wouldn't let me really touch her or kiss her, let alone have sex...

 

In the begining of February I get really suspicious and start snooping around on the computer and stuff. I find that she's blocked her wall from me on Facebook, and even worse I instant messaging transcripts where she's calling some dude "Sweetheart" and saying **** like "We're perfect together, you sweep me off my feet everytime we go out"... I went numb after reading all this ****...

 

The next night she gets home and I don't jump down her throat... Instead I start taking our pictures of us from around our condo and boxing them up. I run into our wedding video and watch it and damn was it beautiful. Anyway, I figure, maybe this video can get through to her.

 

When she gets home (around 11:30) I ask her to watch the video with me and afterward I had a confession to make to her. When I turned it on, she didn't know what we were watching and she started to cry some. I just rubbed her leg. I love my wife and just wanted this **** to stop. After the video I get down in front of her and tell her, "don't ask me how I know, but I know deep down in my heart that you're having an affair... I don't need you to admit it, I just need it to stop, right now. You need to stop it and we need to get into marriage counseling tomorrow. What do you say?" She said, "can I think about it..." Sheeeeit...

 

The next day I'm not so easy going. She comes home again after 11pm and when I get her cornered I start asking questions based on the evidence I had. I basically saw the OM's facebook, etc. So I have names and stuff. I asked her if she was having an affair directly again, she denied it; I asked her about the OM by name (a coworker) and she denied the affair... At that point she started getting hostle and said she would take her clothes and leave if I was going to keep going on about this... I basically backed down, because I didn't want her to leave.

 

We went to sleep and that was the last day she came home for like a week at at time...

 

During the week I would call her and text her, asking her where she's at and telling her that we need to talk about this and work it out. When I pursued that type of conversation it would usually end with, I want a divorce still. When I didn't bring it up, she would talk as though nothing was wrong. Yet she didn't come home at all.

 

The first Saturday when she came back, I couldn't stand the sight of her face and left (we were suppose to go motorcycling together that day). When I got back around 7 hours later, the house was (uncharacteristcally clean - like spic and span and she did all my laundry, folded and put away...). I wanted to call and be like wtf? but I held out.

 

We talked again during the week and she told me that she knows that I know about the OM and again I asked her if she could drop it and work it out with me. She then said, no, in so many words...

 

Basically I would spend most of my time online looking up ways that I could fix this situation myself, but I doubt I can.

 

She stayed away again during the week - she would claim at a girl friend's house. When she came back on Saturday she and I ended up laying on the couch together after she cooked some lunch for us. I didn't know what to make of this really... At this point I realize she's cake eating...

 

She actually told me that she's been seeing someone, going on dates to theme parks and ****. I snooped around and found some of the photos too.

 

I reached a point where I just hooked up with some friends out of town and stayed away all weekend, basically NC. Somehow she found out and decided to move back in for the weekdays, but it didn't take long for her to figure out that I was still wrapped around her little finger.

 

After she figured that out, again she's back in the streets so to speak, not coming home.

 

She's been asking for a divorce, yet she won't file it... Again, I don't think this is her intent. I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too, plus I'm convinced she thinks I won't do it.

 

I went out last week and filed for a divorce but have not served her yet... I seriously don't want to divorce my wife but ****... she put me through so much. I was mildly depressed for the first week and managed to pull myself out of it and force myself to eat. (I lost 10lbs and look pretty good).

 

As of this point, I haven't talked to her at all since Thursday. She'll pull this indirect communication BS, i.e. coming home and cleaning up, or doing chores, or taking the valentines day card I got her (that she just threw aside and texted me w/ a thank you) and put it up on the fireplace mantle... wtf?

 

Her mom and our inlaws are completely unaware of all her BS... I told her I would tell them all and she said "no lets not do that until all the paperwork is finalized..." Such a ****ing cake eater. She even lied to her mother saying that we were together on Valentines day when she was actually out on a ****ing date...

 

When I think with my head, I realize that this is likely a lost cause, but my heart just keeps on thinking we can get back together...

 

When she's around in the mornings she sleeps over, I usually try to make a move and can get her in the shower pretty easily, but it never turns into sex or anything like that... We usually hug pretty passionately too.

 

I definitely know that she's the one in power right now... and I ****ing hate it... Any advice on how I can either get the power back, or in general how I should proceed with this? Again I have the divorce papers in my back pocket... (thanks for reading this long post)

[threebyfate]

As an FYI, cross-posting is against LS rules. Next time, just politely ask a moderator to move your thread from one forum to the other.

 

I've already responded, in your other thread.

[anne1707]

As an FYI, cross-posting is against LS rules. Next time, just politely ask a moderator to move your thread from one forum to the other.

 

I've already responded, in your other thread.

 

Blame me. I suggested he post here as it is the more appropriate forum for his problem and he may get more helpful feedback and support here.

[ConflictedGuy27]

As an FYI, cross-posting is against LS rules. Next time, just politely ask a moderator to move your thread from one forum to the other.

 

I've already responded, in your other thread.

 

Thanks for the tip. I wasn't completely aware of this rule.

[threebyfate]

Thanks for the tip. I wasn't completely aware of this rule.

No worries. You're new here so it's not surprising you aren't aware of this, which is why I brought it up.

 

But seriously, when someone's in an affair fog, you're wasting your time, emotion and energy. They spend more time lying and deceiving, then considering your emotional well-being. Put more energy into considering this marriage...OVER. She's currently too busy thinking about her own selfish needs.

[anne1707]

I will state right from the start that I had an affair but have successfully reconciled with my husband.

 

To be honest, your wife's behaviour at the moment does not seem to offer any glimmer of hope of reconciliation. There does not seem to be any indication of guilt or awareness of the pain she is causing you. At the moment you are still letting her dictate how your marriage continues. You need to stop this now. You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce. There is a possibility that might make her realise the consequences and stop but I suspect that is not the case. She is so wrapped up in herself that nothing else matters.

 

I also think you should tell her family. Are you really supposed to pretend all is well just so she can save face and carry on like this. For her to expect this shows a very selfish trait.

 

I am sorry - I would love to be able to tell you that there is hope but I do not think this is the case. Unless some pretty drastic changes in her happen soon.

[stampdaddy]

YIKES!

 

Man o Man, I dont know what to say, except I am sorry.. Like the others, I dont see ANY help other than for us to help one of you pack....

 

But listen, YOU do whatever YOU have to do so YOU can walk away knowing that YOU did everything that YOU could, and YOU will know that in YOUR heart.. cause SHE don't give a sh*t about YOU right now....

 

You don't "grow apart" in 3 years, IMHO.

 

Hang in there dude

[PhoenixRise]

I think that as long as she knows that you are there: waiting, hoping, wishing that she would recommit to you and the M she will continue to do this.

 

She has no reason to stop. She has got you. Working your a** off to make the marriage better, reaching out to her, trying to address her stated issues in the marriage....AND she has got all the fun and passion in the affair too.

 

What incentive, really, does she have to change anything?

 

You can't stop her from seeing her OM.

 

All you can do is decide what you are going to do for yourself.

 

Do you think there is any way possible that it is in your interest for you to allow someone to treat you this way?

[ConflictedGuy27]

I will state right from the start that I had an affair but have successfully reconciled with my husband.

 

To be honest, your wife's behaviour at the moment does not seem to offer any glimmer of hope of reconciliation. There does not seem to be any indication of guilt or awareness of the pain she is causing you. At the moment you are still letting her dictate how your marriage continues. You need to stop this now. You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce. There is a possibility that might make her realise the consequences and stop but I suspect that is not the case. She is so wrapped up in herself that nothing else matters.

 

I also think you should tell her family. Are you really supposed to pretend all is well just so she can save face and carry on like this. For her to expect this shows a very selfish trait.

 

I am sorry - I would love to be able to tell you that there is hope but I do not think this is the case. Unless some pretty drastic changes in her happen soon.

 

You're very much correct when you say that I'm allowing her to dictate the terms of this marriage at the moment. Indirectly, she suggested an open marriage the other night - me dating other people too is fine. She's so full of it though. If she found me with another women in our bedroom she'd go radio active...

 

I will tell her family. I'm thinking of doing it in person tomorrow. I know they'll have a million questions because we've always looked like the perfect couple from the outside.

 

My wife (or stbx, is probably more accurate) is going through some type of personal crisis it seems... Wish I had more power in all this.

[ConflictedGuy27]

All you can do is decide what you are going to do for yourself.

 

Do you think there is any way possible that it is in your interest for you to allow someone to treat you this way?

 

Its been a very long 4 weeks and I can honestly say, no... There's no reason that I or anyone should lie down and invite such treatment.

 

My emotions are still a factor though so at times I feel as though there should be something I can say or do.

 

The killer is she'll take my calls and texts, you know... She'll answer and be all effing chipper and stuff and she'll talk. Last time we dicussed the issue she started crying, like I opened up some big wound and she just came with the laundry list of justifications for the affair basically... (i.e. you neglected me, all I wanted you to do was hold me more, be more affectionate, blah blah blah).

 

She totally doesn't care one cent about me right now; that's for damn sure.

I think I'm still in love with the woman I fell in love with. That is so far from the woman doing this to me today...

[hopesndreams]

Do not be available to meet any of her needs anymore. Let her get that from OM. Thus far, you have made everything just too easy for her and you are dead right about her being a cake-eater. Expose the A. Once the A is exposed to the light it will usually just whither and die. Affairs thrive in secrecy. They're fun! Of course she will be po'd that you took her fun away but as long as there is another man in the picture, the M is doomed anyway.

 

Even if you could get her back, she is now a cheater. An untrustworthy, weak minded, selfish individual. She has broke your heart cruelly and you have been rewarding her. This must stop. She has been stringing you along, disrespecting you and does not care. Her world is now the OM and you, well you are just getting in her way of true "happiness".

 

Pack up her stuff, expose the A. Unless she has true remorse and desires to right the wrongs, the M is over. She is no longer the woman you once knew. Go NC, which you say you are now doing, she needs to miss you. As long as you are there for showers or whatever, it only pushes her further away, it will not draw her closer to you.

[Disintegration]

You have tried sooooo hard to make your marriage work catering to her and she still does not get it. She definitely wants it her way. You have put forth so much effort and that is amazing but she hasn't budged. You gave her the opportunity to stop the affair but she kept toying with you. I assume there are no children involved which would make it easier to get out of your marriage. I personally would have served her the same day with the divorce papers, but I know a piece of you still has a gleam of hope.

 

I would totally let your families know what is going on, they may be able to snap her back into reality. It is worth a shot, you need a good support system right now, they will help you to think more clearly and hopefully her as well.

 

I hope things turn out for the best.

[ConflictedGuy27]

You have tried sooooo hard to make your marriage work catering to her and she still does not get it. She definitely wants it her way. You have put forth so much effort and that is amazing but she hasn't budged. You gave her the opportunity to stop the affair but she kept toying with you. I assume there are no children involved which would make it easier to get out of your marriage. I personally would have served her the same day with the divorce papers, but I know a piece of you still has a gleam of hope.

 

I would totally let your families know what is going on, they may be able to snap her back into reality. It is worth a shot, you need a good support system right now, they will help you to think more clearly and hopefully her as well.

 

I hope things turn out for the best.

 

You're spot on when you say she wants it her way; and thus far I think I've been giving it to her, in an enabling type of way.

 

We have no children, which I know makes things easier, but this is still very hard, life changing stuff. What's interesting is that I was totally resolved last week that I wouldn't divorce her; I basically said, "hell if she want's a D so bad, let her file..."

 

She'll never file though. Cake eaters have no incentive to mess up a good thing. This whole situation will be brought to a new level once the family finds out - it's going to go radio active pretty quick.

 

Oh well, its her doing really.

[Bryanp]

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is playing you for a fool in that she knows that you are willing to accept all types of humiliation and disrespect while she is a cake-eater. You are only chance at this point is to expose to key people and contact an attorney immediately. Once you serve her she will realize that she is no longer in control. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you? Why would she wish to be with a spouse who continues to beg to stay with her while she openly cheats on him. It is clear that she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[BettyBoop]

From what I've read on these boards the best way to go is usually to not letting her have her cake and eat it...:

 

- Tell everyone you know she is having an affair

- Throw her out of the apartment and change the locks

- Don't give her any safety like "I love you" or try to be affectionate

 

Basically, she will not realize what she is losing until she realizes that she already has.

 

When I dumped my fiancé he tried the crying on the phone for hours card with me. When he came by during christmas because my mom invited him he tried to hold me, be affectionate and everything with me. It only put me off him even more. If he had been more like "Well I am happy without you I am strong and independent and do not need you" ...perhaps things would have had a different turn. I wanted a MAN with integrity who took no **** from nobody. My fiancé was weak and like a little boy who needed a second mommy.

 

Be a man who will not put up with this crap - that is how your woman will respect you. Being nice to her and loving in spite of her bad behavior does you no good and won't make her want you...

 

I wish you the best of luck. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[troggleputty]

Conflicted,

 

All you can do is divorce her and move on.

 

You're still young. It's not too late to find a good woman.

 

Also, it is very unlikely this is the first time she has ever cheated on you.

 

Do not waste another second on this woman, she's not worth it.

[bestplayer]

You're spot on when you say she wants it her way; and thus far I think I've been giving it to her, in an enabling type of way.

 

We have no children, which I know makes things easier, but this is still very hard, life changing stuff. What's interesting is that I was totally resolved last week that I wouldn't divorce her; I basically said, "hell if she want's a D so bad, let her file..."

 

She'll never file though. Cake eaters have no incentive to mess up a good thing. This whole situation will be brought to a new level once the family finds out - it's going to go radio active pretty quick.

 

Oh well, its her doing really.

ConflictedGuy27 , I can tell u this is a place where u can get excellent advice from the people who have experienced same kind of situation .

going completely without communication is the best thing for u now .

I wouldn't suggest packing her stuff , but stop any kind of attempt from ur side to show affection , trying to comfort her , or pleading her to come back . U need to go completely NC and dont listen to her bs or crying , she is trying to seem like a victim to justify her affair .

 

 

best of luck

[ConflictedGuy27]

Thank u all for the feedback. I agree with the lot of u that there have been no real consequences to her actions as of yet. That will change in a big way, this week.

 

I took some important financial steps today to protect me:

tool my half of our savings and placed in my own personal checking; and I cancelled her access to those credit cards that she had access too.

 

That'll be a shocker for her I bet. I'm not even trying to get a reaction, more trying to make sure my transition out is as clean as possible.

 

It'll suck for awhile being w/o my wife but she really is a terrible person (now more than ever) and I'll be better off w/o her. I think it's more the female companionship I'll miss more so than her specifically.

 

I decided to consult with an attorney before serving her the papers just in case I'm missing any uncovered bases. I don't want any crazy retaliation.

 

These last 2 weekends have been good. I'm beginning to be able to see my life without my STBX. I was looking @ places downtown earlier today and it was awesome. There's do many people down there; that lifestyle will suit me, I think, & my STBX has already said she wants the condo. Lol, she can have it; all I want is my piece of mind.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Lol. I've reached the tipping point everyone. As in 0% chance of reconcilliation. After checking some financials I see that she spent the weekend in Vegas charging up all types of BS.

 

I read about the types of affairs known as Exit Affairs and that's what I'm dealing with I believe. It doesn't really matter at this point.

 

What's interesting is that I'm emotionally unmoved by this. I just realize what has to be done. Ever see that old flick Old Yeller?? This period of my life is like that scene in Old Yeller where the older brother grabs his rifle and has to blow away the family Golden Retreiver. Yeah, they loved the dog, but it was out of control - had rabies I believe.

 

Basically I've picked up my rifle and am fully preparred to put my M out of it's misery - she's already more than killed it IMHO.

 

Whoulda thunk it... I'm kinda floored by it all, but hey. It's about survival at this point.

[Trojan John]

You're a very nice guy to have only taken half of the assets from the joint account.

 

Why not use the rest to change the locks and buy a flight to Ibiza?

[ConflictedGuy27]

You're a very nice guy to have only taken half of the assets from the joint account.

 

Why not use the rest to change the locks and buy a flight to Ibiza?

 

Heh, I see your point; I've got plenty time to party and travel. At the moment I'm going to focus on damage control.

 

I did transfer the rest of the savings to my acct (she can't be trusted) to finish paying down community debt. That won't leave her much to hire a lawyer or anything so I'll still be in the driver's seat somewhat. She could always hire one & pay on a paycheck to paycheck basis, but I don't care really.

 

I think I'll pass on changing the locks. No more games @ this point. I just want out, to move out, be free from her BS and complete healing.

[Trojan John]

I think I'll pass on changing the locks. No more games @ this point. I just want out, to move out, be free from her BS and complete healing.

 

Good on you, but do you really want to come home and find things missing or destroyed, or much worse, her lounging on your sofa?

 

Pack her belongings for her and hire a truck to move them as a last gesture of kindness.

[In Like Flynn]

Cancel your credit cards!!! Or at least report them lost so they freeze them till you recieve new ones. Let her find out the next time she uses it!!! Also expose now!!!

[seibert253]

Conflicted,

You did just about everything wrong in the beginning, and now everything you're doing is spot on. Bravo.

 

File, have her served, then move on.

 

Next!

[ConflictedGuy27]

So this morning I called up the family and sang like a canary. I told them that I was pretty much done & told them why.

 

Needless to say they were floored.

My Wife's mom made arrangements to meet with my wife & I tonight. My mom-in law didn't disclose that she knew what was going on.

 

Within minutes my wife calls me and I'm like, ****..

I'm on the phone with my Sister-in-law and she says take the call & I do.

I basically break the NC situation from the last three days.

 

My wife asks "how have u been, we haven't talked in awhile."

I told her that opening up to her at this point is hard, but in a nutshell I had a good weekend. I asked about hers (I already knew she was partying in Vegas) and she said she went gambling.

 

I replied, "hmmm... Gambling's illegal in California" she just said, yeah... Not revealing she'd been in Vegas.

 

So she then says, I got a strange call from my mom.

I asked, "what about" and my wife said it's about her mom's health and she's going over tonight to talk about it.

 

I asked what do u think it's all about and she referenced previous medical issues that her mom has had in the past. In my gut I think she knows what's going on here.

 

I asked if shed like me to come by and she said "I wouldn't mind if you did"

Basically, now that the family knows where I'm at, they don't want me to give up & divorce her.

 

It's going to be an emotionally crazy night tonight...

I'll be bringing the divorce papers with me tonight (my sister-in-law mentioned I should in case my wife is hardlined).

 

Any advise before I enter the lion's den??