Spriggig's log

[spriggig]

Inspired by Rearden Metal, I'll log my ongoing break up with my wife of 12 years.

Tomorrow is our 12th anniversary. I just finished the last two chapters of the book recommended by Gunny, "How to Light Her Fire". I'm tempted to leave the book on her keyboard with a note: "I'm sorry I didn't do any of this, but I'm ready to do it all now". I won't do it, she won't have it from me and I'll look weak and clingy.

 

My son has a good friend in town visiting, today she is going to take them to the movies. She suggested we all go or that I take them without her. The hope monster grabs onto any tiny suggestion that she might want me in her life again.

 

Tonight, our son will spend the night with his friend at the motel where his family is staying. She and I will be alone tonight on the eve of our anniversary unless she has plans to stay with her brother that I don't know about. To any outside observer this means nothing, tonight and tomorrow will pass without a mention of the significance of the day. The hope monster sees it differently, the monster says she planned this and that she will approach me with ideas of reconciliation tomorrow.

 

I hate the hope monster.

 

I love the hope monster.

[Rearden Metal]

Hey buddy,

 

Why don't YOU make plans to get out of there tonight and tomorrow. Don't make a scene, just be busy and aloof and take off. ****, go stay in a (nice) hotel if you have to.

 

I hate the hope monster. Which is why I let her kill all hope and go ballistic on me. I'm doing a decent job of loathing her at the moment. Keeps me steady, strangely.

 

Have a great weekend... GEEETTTT OUT of THERE!!!

[hopesndreams]

I hate the hope monster.

 

I love the hope monster.

 

Be the perfect time to start packing up her things and that would make her go,

 

If she wants to go live with her unhealthy brother, it's her choice. She needs to grow up, big time. Why continue being the support for someone that is only using you? Being kind and unselfish hasn't worked. Improving your shortcomings, we all have them, hasn't worked. Nothing will work except an ultimatum, she either stays and works on the M or gets the h*ll out. Whichever the outcome, you live with it and move forward. Not being stuck in limbo b*llocks. Enough of that!

 

Like you say, she has nothing planned for the special day and it will go by unnoticed. You will then be more in a funk than usual because of it. Go out on your own or with a friend. Do whatever you want to do. If you want to sit around the house, pining for a woman that has given up on you but has not given up on finding her "true love", that's your choice too.

 

Hate the hope monster. Really, really hate it. It destroys, it robs and makes you feel weak. What's there to love?

[GrayClouds]

Sorry it has to be a difficult change. I would suggest you putting down the book your reading and find something that does not encourage you beating yourself up for not being perfect.

 

Damn it was twelve years. People get comfortable, that is one of the natural objectives when we enter relationship; have a place to feel safe and secure. Now if she saying she was not getting what she needs, why the hell did she not tell you that before, why did you have to read a book to know that was what she wanted. It is two way street; yes we should help our partners get their needs meet when we can, but they also have to be open enough to let us know what their needs are. And be understand that we will not always be able to in the how and when they would like. It is call healthy compromise.

 

The fact alone you pick up the book your reading suggest that you are a pretty thoughtful guy. It seem like your still trying to fix the relationship by fixing something wrong with you. Unless there is something really poorly you did, that the relationship fail because two people made mistakes and choices.

 

Again you do not need to be spending this time now trying to figure out how to be even more thoughtful. Start reading something that will help you focus on yourself. I suggest "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" for one. Do not kill the hope monster just redirect it to something worthy... your healing and your future.

 

 

Good Luck

 

 

.

[spriggig]

I canceled the joint credit card today--I paid it off last month with the tax return. We both have separate checking accounts now, the joint account will exist until we catch up on the mortgage.

 

She is in the kitchen making lunch for our son and cleaning. We keep up on the dishes and laundry now, unlike before--we would both let the laundry and dishes pile up for two or three days. Now, it's almost like a competition to see who can be more responsible in that one room of the house.

 

She spent last night in the Lord of the Rings Online game. Chasing butterflies again I suspect.

[monkeymaid]

this must be hard as hell. ...maybe a dinner for the family, with no talk of your issues? ...hell you dont even have to talk, just sit down at the same table and eat quietly. no honoring 12 years? i cant manage 12 months, let alone 12 years. kudos to you for that long!!!!!!!

 

i am young (but not that young) and from what i have heard from older people, they say that it is better to have loved and lost...

 

you my friend i consider lucky to have loved for that long!!

[spriggig]

Our anniversary came and went. We spoke not a single word to each other the whole day.

 

A typical night from the past three weeks: I come home from work, she is nowhere to be found, sleeping in her room I think. I make dinner for myself, usually a pork chop and mixed veggies 'cause I'm trying to control my blood pressure and lose weight. I eat alone, clean up and soon after I go to my bedroom she comes out and gets on her computer.

 

Our son is on his computer, which is in my bedroom along with my computer. We sit here, night after night, talking only to our son, but not to each other. On the rare occasion we speak directly to each other, it's strictly business. Ostensibly, we're both counting the days til the mortgage is caught up and she can start saving money to leave. In reality, I'm hoping against all odds that she'll realize what she is doing and break LC--tell me she want's to try again. All I really want is a solid chance for us to make this work now that I know what's going on. The hard part about this is that she told me the reason she's not giving me a second chance is that she gave husband #1 three chances and he didn't change. Of course he was an irresponsible drunk, but hey all men are the same, right? So husband #1 gets three chances for three years of marriage and husband #2 gets zero chances for twelve years of marriage.

 

She pitters on some websites and soon enough gets in LOTRO and starts playing. Her friends are online at night so I think she sleeps for a couple of hours right after she gets home from work, so she can stay up later and play. BTW, her friends ALL knew exactly what was going on the entire time.

 

I'm usually here on this board, trying to decide my next move. Every other night I go out for a short run to clear my head and get my heart rate up. I also walk two miles at lunch every day. I've lost over 40 pounds in the past ten weeks. I look good.

[spriggig]

I want nothing right now more than to open the lines of communication. I feel like if I do, though, I'll just be solidifying my position in the friend-zone.

 

Don't I need to wait for her to make the next move? She knows from our last conversation that I want to reconcile and she said at that time that there was no way. If she makes no move then we stay on course for divorce.

 

I'm supposed to pay attention to her actions, but we never see each other. What actions? I don't have any reason to hang out in the living room and watch her--it would be creepy at best.

[GrayClouds]

You may want to check out the book: Love Must Be Tough while it hasa bit of a religious bent much of the information is helpful and pretty darn good.

 

Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Keep exercising it helps.

 

. The hard part about this is that she told me the reason she's not giving me a second chance is that she gave husband #1 three chances and he didn't change. Of course he was an irresponsible drunk, but hey all men are the same, right? So husband #1 gets three chances for three years of marriage and husband #2 gets zero chances for twelve years of marriage.

 

Hate to say it but that is just BS. She just does not have the courage to say she is check out and likely has someone in the wings. I may be wrong but most do not give up 12 years so causally.

Edited March 16, 2010 by GrayClouds

[spriggig]

Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Keep exercising it helps.

 

Hate to say it but that is just BS. She just does not have the courage to say she is check out and likely has someone in the wings. I may be wrong but most do not give up 12 years so causally.

You're exactly right. She told me no second chance at my initial discovery of her plans to leave me, but before I discovered the OM. It's not documented here but in the link in my first post in this thread.

 

So, good call!

 

At our last conversation about three weeks ago, she re-confirmed there is no chance for reconciliation, tho.

 

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

[Rearden Metal]

I know exactly what you mean about keeping lines of communication open. Here's the problem with that; They don't want to have the same conversation we want to have. Period. You will be disappointed in the conversation and will be back to square 1.

 

The best thing you can do is go on with your life, stay true to yourself and your values and just leave open the idea that if your ex wants to grow the EFF up and fix HER own life, you MIGHT listen to what she has to say. LOL at least that's where I'm at.

[spriggig]

I know exactly what you mean about keeping lines of communication open. Here's the problem with that; They don't want to have the same conversation we want to have. Period. You will be disappointed in the conversation and will be back to square 1.

 

The best thing you can do is go on with your life, stay true to yourself and your values and just leave open the idea that if your ex wants to grow the EFF up and fix HER own life, you MIGHT listen to what she has to say. LOL at least that's where I'm at.

 

This is where I'm trying to stand. What about this, tho? She asked me to fix up an old computer that is just sitting around for her 16-year-old son to do his homework on. He moved out of my house two weeks ago and back in with his Dad. His Dad's computer barely runs. She asked me two days ago and I said "it could be made to work" but haven't done anything.

 

Do I go home tonight and get it ready? Can't his Dad pony up and get a new computer if his son needs one, especially considering he stopped paying child support years ago and I've been 98% supporting his son since he was four? Why should I come to their rescue? Should I, or shouldn't I?

[spriggig]

Do I go home tonight and get it ready? Can't his Dad pony up and get a new computer if his son needs one, especially considering he stopped paying child support years ago and I've been 98% supporting his son since he was four? Why should I come to their rescue? Should I, or shouldn't I?

 

It occurred to me that I'm thinking about this in typical male fashion of competition/hierarchy. But, what does that MEAN???

 

I think I should do it.

 

Maybe this is what women mean when they say "swallow your pride"? It's a reaction to the typical hierarchy thinking and actions of men that they just don't get.

[Rearden Metal]

I personally would not fix it. Unless it's something you'd enjoy doing. It's not your responsibility and doing it out of kindness is only asking for future favors to be asked.

[spriggig]

So, I get home last night and when I walk in the door, my STBX is in the living room playing Plain White T's "Serious Mistake", loud enough for anyone to hear, specifically this part:

 

"I've made a serious mistake,

I hope its not too late to fix the heart I'm breaking.

I've made a serious mistake,

I hope its not too late to fix the heart I'm breaking.

I've made a mistake."

 

I forgot to change my sunglasses and had to go back out to my car, when I came back in the same part was playing.

 

I ignore it completely but I do proceed to get the old computer ready. I tracked down a keyboard and a mouse and took the second monitor from my computer that I never used. I updated Windows and installed Open Office. I left the computer, with a note about replacing the CMOS battery on the kitchen table. I didn't speak a word to her all night.

 

So, I've decided that the right response is to up my game and keep on keeping on what I've been doing. Although I've never known her to be manipulative AT ALL, I don't want to take the chance that this was just a ploy to get what she wanted.

 

Gunny (I think it was him) says they have to come crawling back on hands and knees, crying and begging for it to be real. I think this is probably true.

[spriggig]

I did the online divorce form thing today and handed it off to her to agree to. She did and we'll get the forms tomorrow or the next day.

 

Then I file and we wait. I told her she needs to be out of the house the day after the divorce is final. Which I guess is a couple of weeks or a month.

 

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and I still don't want to do it.

 

It's so sad that it went the way it did. She could still stop this but she won't. She won't even talk to me.

 

Fck!

[Rearden Metal]

Stand your ground. Keep standing your ground after she's gone. It's up to her to crawl back, and up to you to move on with your life.

 

You've done all you can. Be a man. Be your own man. Show her azz the door...

[spriggig]

So, I get home last night and when I walk in the door, my STBX is in the living room playing Plain White T's "Serious Mistake", loud enough for anyone to hear, specifically this part:

 

"I've made a serious mistake,

I hope its not too late to fix the heart I'm breaking.

I've made a serious mistake,

I hope its not too late to fix the heart I'm breaking.

I've made a mistake."

 

I forgot to change my sunglasses and had to go back out to my car, when I came back in the same part was playing.

 

I ignore it completely but I do proceed to get the old computer ready. I tracked down a keyboard and a mouse and took the second monitor from my computer that I never used. I updated Windows and installed Open Office. I left the computer, with a note about replacing the CMOS battery on the kitchen table. I didn't speak a word to her all night.

 

So, I've decided that the right response is to up my game and keep on keeping on what I've been doing. Although I've never known her to be manipulative AT ALL, I don't want to take the chance that this was just a ploy to get what she wanted.

 

Gunny (I think it was him) says they have to come crawling back on hands and knees, crying and begging for it to be real. I think this is probably true.

 

It's like this never fcking happened. I'm glad I wrote it down, I might question my sanity otherwise.

[spriggig]

Stand your ground. Keep standing your ground after she's gone. It's up to her to crawl back, and up to you to move on with your life.

 

You've done all you can. Be a man. Be your own man. Show her azz the door...

 

 

I feel like I'm walking in sand all the time.

 

I've read enough here to know that if she does come crawling back I probably won't want her. But right now, that seems impossible.

[spriggig]

Oh Sht!

 

At some point she is going to want me to watch our son while she goes on dates and vacations with someone else.

 

UGH!

 

How the fck will I ever get over this? Six more years of hell til the boy is 18?

 

I know, I know, I'll find somebody and she'll do the watching.

[spriggig]

I hope I can keep from slipping into depression. Everything I've been doing good for myself I've also been doing for her approval. When she is gone and I'm alone here all summer cleaning out this house, I'll probably treat myself like ****.

[spriggig]

Divorce papers are here.

 

It's so much harder to get divorced than to get married. It should be the other way around.

 

I'll read them this weekend. I think I spelled her middle name wrong.

[spriggig]

I'm feeling ready to be done with this.

Keeping contact to a minimum has helped a lot.

I want her gone from my life as much as I want her in my life.

I never want to see her again and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I know everything that happened and I don't understand a thing.

 

My confusion is so complete that it seems normal.

 

I just want to move on now.

[CarrieT]

Words fail me and I can't offer enough condolence.

 

I continue to marvel at the disparity between people who cheat and destroy relationships like yours and Reardon's, when there are single people like me who can't find a partner...

 

All I can say (having survived being cheated on and starting over), is to not give up hope at finding love again. I know right now you aren't even thinking along those lines, but there *is* someone out there who will cherish and honor you and what you have to offer.

[Rearden Metal]

Words fail me and I can't offer enough condolence.

 

I continue to marvel at the disparity between people who cheat and destroy relationships like yours and Reardon's, when there are single people like me who can't find a partner...

 

All I can say (having survived being cheated on and starting over), is to not give up hope at finding love again. I know right now you aren't even thinking along those lines, but there *is* someone out there who will cherish and honor you and what you have to offer.

 

Mine didn't cheat (that I know of). She was just a runner and immature.

 

Spriggy, you are handling this extremely well. When my ex wife and I separated, I drove from Colorado to Boston and stayed with a friend. I was thinking that I'd return in 6 weeks and we'd start to work on things again, but instead I was served papers in under a month.

 

I slept on an air mattress for over a year. I dated but it was half-hearted. I didn't move anything out of boxes. I lived in purgatory until I met my current Ex. I moved in with her prematurely and attached (once again) a lot of my self worth to our relationship.

 

It's probably why I am so devastated by it's ending. It meant a lot more to me than to her.

 

You, on the other hand, have a grasp of what's going on. And the where with all to log online for support, advice and comfort. You've got it together, man. I spent a whole year reading Kafka and Cormac McCarthy and sleeping and fu**ing anything that moved. I spent a large part of my savings and didn't work for EIGHTEEN months.

 

Whenever you think you're spinning out of control, consider my story.