Tell me guys...am I screwed here ?

[fit]

OK heres the deal I am married with 2 kids...40 years old, 5 year and 5 month old.

My wife was working for years earning the same amount as me(close to six figures). We bought expensive house that only our two incomes can support.

After second baby she refuses to go back to work. In addition shes put on a ton of weight and isn't really doing much to take that off either. Seems very clear to me she could care less about me or our marriage so I am looking at options.

 

What can I expect divorce wise ? Will a judge make her go back to work or will I be stuck paying for her lazy ass ?

Shes not working right now and is at home with the two kids. I am the sole provider. Whether she realizes it or not she is ruining our marriage and any hope for our kids to have anything in the future or any retirement we could have. So again...I am looking at options. Please advise.

[BearMox]

sell the house. let it foreclose, go bankrupt. who cares.

 

She _is_ working full time. She has chosen a different job, a better job actually: making a home. I commend women who choose of their own volition to build their home than try to keep a career at the same time. Its one of the best career choices you can make to focus on building a home! Its also a great honor to be able to make that choice, not one that people get in their lifetime.

 

However if you have made up your mind to stray or divorce her she will probably get whatever her reasonable earning capacity is attributed to her when determining childsupport and alimony. However if she isn't employed you will need to support her until she can get back on her feet. And during that time you should expect to send her around 35-40% of your income. She will be expected to show good faith and seek employment in order to support herself while she is supported. Laws vary from state to state in terms of how much time she will get to find employment and how hard she has to look.

 

A 5month old baby needs full-time attention. Dont they need full time attention until around 3?

 

sigh.

 

There's more to life than houses and pretty looking bodies.

[aimchase]

OK heres the deal I am married with 2 kids...40 years old, 5 year and 5 month old.

My wife was working for years earning the same amount as me(close to six figures). We bought expensive house that only our two incomes can support.

After second baby she refuses to go back to work. In addition shes put on a ton of weight and isn't really doing much to take that off either. Seems very clear to me she could care less about me or our marriage so I am looking at options.

 

What can I expect divorce wise ? Will a judge make her go back to work or will I be stuck paying for her lazy ass ?

Shes not working right now and is at home with the two kids. I am the sole provider. Whether she realizes it or not she is ruining our marriage and any hope for our kids to have anything in the future or any retirement we could have. So again...I am looking at options. Please advise.

 

Are you being fair on her? Giving birth is a big deal and she'll naturally go through physical changes, and possibly mental ones as well.

 

The fact that after five months you expect her to suddenly get up, shed weight, and return to work suggests a lack of consideration on your part and also a refusal to recognise your priorities. What's wrong in wanting to be a full-time mother to a very young baby?

 

I can't give any advice as I feel you're being totally unfair on this poor woman. Why not encourage and support her more, rather than complain about her appearance and precious money?

 

She's looking after your children and has been through a great deal. You should be proud of her and realise that with love, her confidence in herself will slowly return.

 

Will a judge make her go back to work?? Is this a genuine question or some f***ing joke?? It's you ruining the marriage when she needs you most.

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

I have read some of your OP on the marriage forum and I have to say that I find that and this post quite upsetting and disturbing. I understand that you might be upset and frustrated that you "married an independant, fit women" as you said on your other thread and now you have the opposite, but tell me what would you have done if your wife had become seriously ill? People change, life changes, and having children will definately change things.

 

You said in your other thread that your wife was suffering from stress and lost her job, then she asked for a second child. Could it be that your wife is afraid to return to work, rather than this being about her wanting to be a full time mother (which is a vailid choice IMO as well)? I do understand that you both decided to buy the house and you both knew that would need both incomes, but like I said, regardless of whether your wife is avoiding work or not, life brings changes and decisions should be reached together. Do you love this women? The mother of your children, b/c I have to say from what you have written it sounds like you only love her if she is being what you want her to be? How would it be if things were reversed? What if you had lost your job or had become ill etc? How would you feel if you were being treated this way.

 

As for her weight, well I am going to stay very quiet on that one, b/c I may just explode.

 

You made a decision to commit to this women out of your love for her, are you really going to justify leaving her and your family by telling yourself that she's changed and is no longer what you want? That is not love. Love is loving her and accepting her for her not what you want her to be. This is the same women you loved enough to marry and to have a family with, please try to remember that, don't throw away your life on the old "grass is greener" syndrome, you may regret it down the line.

[stillafool]

Absolutely sell the expensive house and move into an affordable one so your wife can stay home and raise the kids. It is more important that the children have their mom raise them than a lot of extra money. Perhaps stress is causing your wife to put on the weight and without all the financial stress she may lose it. Talk to her about it and selling the house.

[alphamale]

What can I expect divorce wise ? Will a judge make her go back to work or will I be stuck paying for her lazy ass ?

depends on the length of the marriage but most likely you're screwed...

[curiou]

It sounds as if you guys tried to float a boat too big and too tenuous considering your income situation. My buddy (getting divorced) did the same thing, relied on two incomes for a rock-star house. In this economy, that's a dubious choice, and he is now realizing that.

 

Oh well, too late to do anything about that.

 

Could you rent out the house and move into a more affordable apartment to ease the financial situation?

 

Could you sell the house? Could you short-sell the house if you are underwater on the mortgage?

 

Could you take in a renter in one of your spare rooms? A college kid for the local university?

 

It is expected for women to put on weight and have some residual weight after giving birth. Clearly, at some point, it can be considered excessive but that is a very movable and arguable point. Overall, I do think spouses have a right to expect a reasonable amount of commitment to health, fitness, and appearance from their partners. I hope you're being reasonable and giving her the encouragement she needs. Cooking and buying healthier food, watching the kids for her to go to the gym, making sure she doesn't have any endocrine disorders, etc. etc. I watch my baby for my wife for her to do a 20 minute cardio and 20 minute weight training run at the local gym, and she is a lean machine.

 

This is a tough time--post partum weight gain is one of the most sensitive issues a woman has in her life, so try to be reasonable and not let your other issues, financial or otherwise, impact how you're feeling about this one.

[fit]

I thought this was the advice on divorce forum ? I hate to break it to some of you girls but men are visual creatures and we care what our mates look like. Theres more back story than you know here so dont be so quick to judge because it strikes a nerve in some of you...

[alphamale]

I thought this was the advice on divorce forum ? I hate to break it to some of you girls but men are visual creatures and we care what our mates look like. Theres more back story than you know here so dont be so quick to judge because it strikes a nerve in some of you...

dude get to a lawyer pronto and have a consultation visit

[SummerLady]

OK heres the deal I am married with 2 kids...40 years old, 5 year and 5 month old.

My wife was working for years earning the same amount as me(close to six figures). We bought expensive house that only our two incomes can support.

After second baby she refuses to go back to work. In addition shes put on a ton of weight and isn't really doing much to take that off either. Seems very clear to me she could care less about me or our marriage so I am looking at options.

 

What can I expect divorce wise ? Will a judge make her go back to work or will I be stuck paying for her lazy ass ?

Shes not working right now and is at home with the two kids. I am the sole provider. Whether she realizes it or not she is ruining our marriage and any hope for our kids to have anything in the future or any retirement we could have. So again...I am looking at options. Please advise.

 

5 months. Holy SH&^T!!! Can you give her some time. Your pregnant for 9 months, plus hormones and all. Now if you said 1 year I would say that may be an issue but come on. You feel pressure due to the loss of income, justified. I agree that young babies need attention but if you bought the house on 2 incomes than you need 2 incomes to support it, that is plain fact. A budget is a budget. If she refuses to go back to work see if you can modify the mortgage with the mortgage company. If not then you may have to sell and buy something smaller. Give it a chance. Having kids and all these points are stressful. Do not make any rash decisions. Think it through so you do not regret it later on. Believe me on that.

[hopesndreams]

I thought this was the advice on divorce forum ? I hate to break it to some of you girls but men are visual creatures and we care what our mates look like. Theres more back story than you know here so dont be so quick to judge because it strikes a nerve in some of you...

 

Oh, do tell. The more information, the better. But, seems to me you have already made up your mind on what to do and you are looking for others to cheer you on. Maybe Mr. "visual" has someone else in his sights?

 

If you can't tolerate a little weight gain and only living on 1, 6 figure income,, don't expect any sympathy from me.

[LisaUk]

Oh, do tell. The more information, the better. But, seems to me you have already made up your mind on what to do and you are looking for others to cheer you on. Maybe Mr. "visual" has someone else in his sights?

 

If you can't tolerate a little weight gain and only living on 1, 6 figure income,, don't expect any sympathy from me.

 

Yes, I agree, you are clearly here looking for justification, I tried to offer you balanced advice, even in the face of your arrogance, but you picked up on the one negative aspect of my post to you, ignoring all the rest, which I might add i spent a lot of time thinking about your situation and how best to try and help before I posted, looks as though i should not have wasted my time and energy. Just for the record, I am not touchy about my weight, I'm a size 6, but I DO have a problem with shallow superfical people. You are actually trying to justify leaving your wife and CHILDREN b/c your wife gained some baby weight, oh PLLLLLLLEASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. You are a father now, GROW UP!

Edited March 18, 2010 by LisaUk

[floridapad]

Sorry Fit but got to agree with the girls. 5 months? Takes a little time for those hormones to settle after her baby and perhaps she wants a bit of mommy time but you won't or your circumstances won't allow it. Gotta say I'm a bit skeptical as well about the possibility of someone at work or outsiude of work you might be attracted to or possibly in the beginning of an EA. You are quick to the draw my friend and you WILL regret it. Did you ever go to MC? What have you done to truly save your family?? This is your family bro.

 

I get that a man is visual, but a man is supposed to be loyal as well and do everything to make sure things can be worked out. It sounds like you are not even trying....and please don't say you are. If so please tell us what you are doing?

 

Please don't think I'm attacking you. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of something before you make a decision that will impact YOU and your CHILDREN for the rest of your natural born life!

 

Are you perhaps going through a bit of an MLC. I will be honest with you. After my wife had her thrid baby I felt extraordinarliy trapped and overwhelmed with responsibility. I had a bit of a midlife angst and went on many benders and did alot of flirting and getting that angst out of the way (I never crossed the line though.). After I got through it I realized it was a phase and when I started finally waking up I looked at my wife who lost all her baby weight started wearing nice womanly clothes again and then asked for a seperation. Now no wife and no family but one hell of alot of pain.

 

Good luck with everything but whatever you do here on LS be HONEST and open with your feelings. You might be shocked at how your perspective of things might change based upon the advice and wisdom of others. In this process you MUST be honest with yourself. If you want to dump your W because you think the grass is greener then say it.

[Gunny376]

Over the course of human evolution? Men evolved to the protectors of women and children, and women evolved to become the child bearers, providers, and protectors of children and other women.

 

Basic Anthropology 101.

 

But, women's bodies evolved that as soon as they begin having children? To begin craving and storing on fat! To provide milk to their offspring.

 

Bam! 10 to 20 thousand years later? You've got processed food, with food preservatives, additives, preservatives, convenience foods, fast food, etc. Everywhere you go? Its in your face.

 

Quick, fast, convenient.

 

If your earning a near $100K job, that means that your working a $100K job, which means you working a 40 to 80 hour week. Which means you don't have time to come home and take care of a eight year old and an a eight month old. Your too mentally, emotionally, psychologically exhausted to do much more than to drag you butt in the back door.

 

I actually laughed when I read you initial post? It was almost word for word, verbatim the first chapter of "How To Win Back The One You Love" by Eric Weber.

 

What's going to end up happening, is the wife is going to end up dumping your insensitive, in-experience, uneducated, ignorant self, (no insult intended ~ been there myself back in the day ~ twenty years or so ago)

 

If your lucky ~ and I mean really lucky? The house will go into a short-sell? Good luck with that in this market, so your more than likely looking at a foreclosure trying to support a house you bought on an almost 2X's$100K income and now trying to support on one $100K income?

 

Off the top? You can kiss away another 25% of your Gross income in child support? If your lucky. That's before the lawyers get involved in talking about child care, braces, dentist, health care, day care, after school activities, school clothes, school lunches.

 

At your income level? Your looking at dishing out around $250,000 per child from cradle through just high school, (Sorry not my figures check out the Associated Press)

 

If your really lucky? The wife will agree to give you one of the children as a tax deduction. Screw around and PHO? And your looking at shelling out another 25% of your income in federal, state, medicare, and social security taxes!

 

Oh wait! You make a six figure salary don't you! Guess who's got to pony up for President Obama "share and re-distribute" the wealth plan?

 

Just guessing? I would say at the very minimum after the STBXW, the child support, the taxes, replacing all that the wife gets and kept out of divorce?

 

You should look at getting half, and then half it again.

 

I've got to ask you? When in her day after taking care of you, the eight year old the eight month old does she get the time to go and work off the pounds?

 

Where does she in the day get sometime to speak to another adult?

 

How about a lesson in objectivity?

 

Take a week off from work, send the wife off too the MIL, a Sister's house, a Spa, and you and you alone take care of the kids? No calling your Mama, your sister, your aunt! Just you and you alone with the little darlings!

 

Oh! Have the women (Mom, sister, aunts, nieces, etc check in on you! God forbid the darlings should starve, or die)

 

We've a saying in the Marine Corps!

 

"The toughest job in the Corps? Is being a Marines Wife!"

[ADF]

You need to talk to a lawyer. Not only because you seem headed for divorce, but because laws governing the distribution of martial property vary a lot from state to state.

 

If your ideal is to walk away from her and give her nothing, forget about it. At the very least, you'll end up paying child support. But you basically are paying that anyway right now. As far as spousal support, you may or may not end up paying it. Given the fact your wife once held a high-paying job, it seems unlikely a judge would have you pay her maintenance for long. Talk to a lawyer.

[BearMox]

what Gunny said.

[mikeymad]

It's also been shown that women who try to get off the "baby weight" right away not only have problems breast feeding, but the caloric deficiency they have leads them to not be able to have the additional energy requirements of being a mother. If nothing else, this is a health issue.

You may want to suggest going on family walks or something to start. Heck, not sure if you exercise, but if you do...lead by example. Join a gym or start running, and ask her if she'd like to come along (nothing makes women want to exercise less than when a man tells them they need to). A runner baby stroller would be worth the investment. You get fit, she gets fit, bonding time, avoid a divorce, save your money, save your sanity. Give it some thought.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yeah, you are going to get PILES and PILES of sympathy from a judge for dumping your wife and 2 kids because she just had a baby and put on 50 lbs. Try selling the "visually stimulated" agrument. Also make sure to add in the but about her being a "lazy ass."

 

Hey, maybe she'll end up compensating you for having to go through all those hours of hardship. Like labour and delivery.

 

If you get lucky, they'll come up with "fat ass tax" where you get 50 cents for everytime she walked her fat, lazy ass by you. No one should have to suffer though that.

 

Family life can be so tough.

 

Seriously, did you think the second posting would help you with the justification?

 

Try SAVING your marriage even just for the sake of your children. Or should they be made to understand that "Mommy wasn't pretty enough and didn't make enough money to stay married to Daddy."

 

I really wonder what makes you so special.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good thing she didn't "incovenience" you with Cancer or MS. The she'd REALLY have to pay.

[2sunny]

so your exact words say that your wife has value only if she earns a lot of money and stays in fit shape.

 

divorce her - let her find a man who values her for WHO she is - not what she looks like and how much she can earn for your benefit.

 

for your info - the job, money and house are all designed to make your ego feel good. it looks like this takes priority for you over all else... even your wife, children and essentially what happiness is about.

 

happiness is not about the stuff. some day you may actually realize that - but it may be on your death bed when no one will come to see you as you have your priorities all back wards.

 

chase the money, pretty women and bigger house... see how happy that makes you in the end - i dare you!

 

given the circumstances - if i were the wife - i would never stay with an egomaniac, superficial man like you.

 

unfortunately your kids will someday know what truth you live - and feel angry, bitter and sorry for you. that's not what love looks like either.

[linwood]

I thought this was the advice on divorce forum ? I hate to break it to some of you girls but men are visual creatures and we care what our mates look like. T

 

Speak for yourself, you`re embarrassing my entire gender.

 

Dude, THERE ARE KIDS INVOLVED HERE!!

You`re going to trash the live of little children over some baby fat on your lady?

 

Can you possibly think of anyone other than yourself?

 

Oh yeah, advice on divorce.

 

You`ll lose your ass and I hope she gets a hardass for a lawyer.

The moment a judge hears your reasoning for filing you`re done.

 

Get the divorce, maybe she`ll at least have the chance to get a decent male role model for the kids that way.

[floridapad]

I think we scared Fit away. I guess we didn't fit into his plan. He must be a runner by nature.

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL Must be tough to realize that divorces cost money and time and that you can't just escape someone you vowed to spend the rest of your life with because they got "inconvenient."

 

The grass may be greener on the other side, but you'll pay for it. Maybe stay home and water your own.

[Steadfast]

Smells like a troll to me. Nobody is that ignorant and insensitive, are they?

[Gunny376]

Smells like a troll to me. Nobody is that ignorant and insensitive, are they?

 

Tha' Hell they ain't!! I've meet some real jewels in my time.