I think we might be over

[shadowplay]

For a class we’re in we made a short video together. Yesterday everybody in the class was showing their videos. At the last minute, I had a huge panic attack and didn’t go. I knew he didn’t need me there to show the video, but I still felt really ****ty about not being there with him. He was there when I had the panic attack. I told him I couldn't get myself to go, and he said he was disappointed and went without me.

 

When he got back he told me that he felt like we weren’t going to work out. He said he’s had absolutely no problems with me until now, and he thought I was perfect, but he felt like because of this he couldn’t rely on me. I feel really terrible about letting him down, but at the same time I never in a million years would have thought he would immediately want to break up with me instead of trying to work out the problem.

 

After talking it over, he says now, sort of half-heartedly, that he’s willing to try to work it out. But I don’t know if I can get over the fact that he was ready to dump me. I love him so much, but it feels like our relationship will never be the same now.

 

My relationship with him is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can’t believe I totally fcked it up, just like I fcked up my job. It feels like my whole life is falling apart.

 

Surprisingly he doesn't seem that upset, which really hurts. It seems to go against everything he ever told me -- that he wanted to be with me forever and marry me, that he loved me more than anyone or anything in the world, that he needed me more than anything and would be totally devastated if he ever lost me. I never thought his love was unconditional, but I also didn't think he would want to dump me immediately once a problem arose without trying to work it out.

 

Earlier I was sobbing, but now I just feel totally numb.

 

If this relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if I can do another one. I trusted him so completely, and I really, really thought he was the one.

Edited April 7, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

It's not logical, since my letting him down led to this, but I feel betrayed. I trusted him to always be there for me, and try to work through any problem with me before we ever considered the nuclear option. I think that's why it will be really hard for me to stay in this relationship, even if he's willing to try to work it out.

[Els]

Oh, Shadow. That's just weird! Was he in a fit of anger or anything when he 'dumped' you? There are some people like that - when something really gets to them they just lash out and 'dump' without further thought, but they don't actually mean it. Do you think that was his case?

 

Also, it isn't your fault! If you consistently let him down that's another thing, but this is far more his fault than yours if it's a one-off ocassion! He completely overreacted.

[shadowplay]

Oh, Shadow. That's just weird! Was he in a fit of anger or anything when he 'dumped' you? There are some people like that - when something really gets to them they just lash out and 'dump' without further thought, but they don't actually mean it. Do you think that was his case?

 

No, he was barely expressing any anger. He was upset and quiet, and said he didn't understand what was going on inside his brain.

[boogieboy]

Sounds like he was waiting for a reason to break it off with you for a while. I dont knwo what turned him off to you, but it happened long ago.

[shadowplay]

Sounds like he was waiting for a reason to break it off with you for a while. I dont knwo what turned him off to you, but it happened long ago.

 

I would be really surprised if this were the case. He's very honest, and it's usually easy to tell when something is bothering him. Things were going great up until this.

[123BeachFan]

There is always a point in a relationship where you discover the person you hold in such high esteem is actually, indeed, quite human and fallible, and imperfect. It's not only unavoidable if your relationship progresses that far (most relationships are too short lived to get to this point), but it's absolutely critical if you achieve true intimacy. Because, you see, it's really love when the two people see each other's flaws and still love each other in spite of them. It's a matter of total acceptance.

 

I'd say, this is the point where you give him enough space so he can come to his own conclusions (and commitment). So yeah, he might have professed his undying, eternal love for you. But he's going to have to process it on his own his feelings and commitment, and then go from there.

 

As for you, stop beating yourself up over the specific incident that brought this moment on. If it weren't this, it would be some other situation where he'd see you for the imperfect creature that you are.

 

And for now, I'd recommend that you live this relationship on a day to day basis. Don't dwell on the "now and forever" promises you made to each other.

[Els]

That could perhaps be it, then. How does he sound now? Did he say he made a mistake, is he acting like he did? Or is he truly reluctant to even get back together with you?

[threebyfate]

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

It hurts bad when someone you love suddenly turns on you.

[shadowplay]

That could perhaps be it, then. How does he sound now? Did he say he made a mistake, is he acting like he did? Or is he truly reluctant to even get back together with you?

 

When I last saw him this morning he was quiet and seemed confused. He said that his mind was totally blank. When asked he said he was willing to try to work things out and wouldn't break up with me, but I don't know how much of that was because I tried to convince him to stay with me. I feel like it can't work unless his heart is really in it. That would kill me because it would undercut the trust we had built up, but at the same time I don't know if I can walk away. He's so important to me.

[EYECANDY000]

Shawdow,

 

Has he always had a habit of lashing out in the heat of the moment?

[Wallace1]

You need to chill out a little bit before deciding your "circle of trust" is hopelessly shattered. All of this happened yesterday. Give it a week or two and see if you're still felling the same way.

 

From his perspective, you let him down tremendously by not showing up. Then he apologized for saying he wanted to breakup.

 

If you still think something is hopelessly broken 2 weeks from now, then move on.

[shadowplay]

You need to chill out a little bit before deciding your "circle of trust" is hopelessly shattered. All of this happened yesterday. Give it a week or two and see if you're still felling the same way.

 

From his perspective, you let him down tremendously by not showing up. Then he apologized for saying he wanted to breakup.

 

If you still think something is hopelessly broken 2 weeks from now, then move on.

 

He didn't actually apologize.

 

Of course I'm going to wait to decide.

[Star Gazer]

Sounds like he was waiting for a reason to break it off with you for a while. I dont knwo what turned him off to you, but it happened long ago.

 

I agree. I don't think this was a heat of the moment kind of thing; rather, it sounds like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The fact he was so calm about the whole thing leads to no other conclusion than that he was over it a while ago.

 

There is always a point in a relationship where you discover the person you hold in such high esteem is actually, indeed, quite human and fallible, and imperfect. It's not only unavoidable if your relationship progresses that far (most relationships are too short lived to get to this point), but it's absolutely critical if you achieve true intimacy. Because, you see, it's really love when the two people see each other's flaws and still love each other in spite of them. It's a matter of total acceptance.

 

I'd say, this is the point where you give him enough space so he can come to his own conclusions (and commitment). So yeah, he might have professed his undying, eternal love for you. But he's going to have to process it on his own his feelings and commitment, and then go from there.

 

As for you, stop beating yourself up over the specific incident that brought this moment on. If it weren't this, it would be some other situation where he'd see you for the imperfect creature that you are.

 

And for now, I'd recommend that you live this relationship on a day to day basis. Don't dwell on the "now and forever" promises you made to each other.

 

This is incredibly well said. I've repeatedly said the bolded parts as well.

 

I'm sorry this happened, Shadow. I strongly recommend you follow BeachFan's advice. Give him the time and space to decide what he wants to do on his own.

[shadowplay]

Shawdow,

 

Has he always had a habit of lashing out in the heat of the moment?

 

We've had very really conflict previous to this, so it's hard to say. The one time we did have a small argument, his emotions did seem to get the better of him (at least for a short while), but it didn't compare at all to this. I was totally thrown for a loop, in that it was very out of character. But then again we've only been together for 4 months so maybe I just don't know him that well.

[Els]

I guess we can't really judge on your behalf, because only you know him and can read his actions. But I want to put this out there: If you truly feel he loves you and that you were compatible in all aspects, you might want to at least wait and see. Because you made a mistake in pulling out, but it's equally possible that he made a mistake as well by overreacting to it in his disappointment, and it may not reflect on the rest of your relationship.

[carhill]

Work on the panic attack stuff. Men (and women too) value stability. I had a lot of anxiety during the years I cared for my mother and I know (she said so in MC) that my emotional state diminished my stbx's respect for me.

 

I recall, in another thread, you saying that this guy was the perfect boyfriend (paraphrased) and was always there for you. Perhaps this class thing was him identifying a hard boundary. Regardless, you have no control over him. I recall suggesting, when you had your procedure, to give it a month or so before processing your feelings on the relationship. Do you think you're there yet or do you think you need more time?

 

Take care

[Star Gazer]

We've had very really conflict previous to this, so it's hard to say. The one time we did have a small argument, his emotions did seem to get the better of him (at least for a short while), but it didn't compare at all to this. I was totally thrown for a loop, in that it was very out of character. But then again we've only been together for 4 months so maybe I just don't know him that well.

 

I think you know the answer here, Shadow. Neither one of you know the other all that well, but what each of you are starting to see, you're not keen on. This doesn't make either one of you bad people, but perhaps it just means you're not right for each other.

 

Also, remember when you were physically revolted by your BF during your pregnancy? Do you think he couldn't pick up on that? Even if it was only hormonal and he could rationalize it that way, it had to have had an impact on him.

[shadowplay]

Work on the panic attack stuff. Men (and women too) value stability. I had a lot of anxiety during the years I cared for my mother and I know (she said so in MC) that my emotional state diminished my stbx's respect for me.

 

I recall, in another thread, you saying that this guy was the perfect boyfriend (paraphrased) and was always there for you. Perhaps this class thing was him identifying a hard boundary. Regardless, you have no control over him. I recall suggesting, when you had your procedure, to give it a month or so before processing your feelings on the relationship. Do you think you're there yet or do you think you need more time?

 

Take care

 

Yeah, I felt like I was there. I had been thinking many times recently how happy he makes me and how happy I was with our relationship.

[threebyfate]

He said he’s had absolutely no problems with me until now, and he thought I was perfect, but he felt like because of this he couldn’t rely on me. I feel really terrible about letting him down, but at the same time I never in a million years would have thought he would immediately want to break up with me instead of trying to work out the problem.

Your b/f puts a lot of focus on reliability. But then, so do you. For that matter, so do most people.

 

If he's being reasonable, he would remember that he also was unreliable when asked to get the book for this exact same project.

[shadowplay]

He said to me this morning that he can't get rid of the huge feeling of doubt what happened caused him, and he's worried that it will never go away now. He asked me what we could do to make it go away. Is there anything I can do? I feel like I have no control over that. I don't know if it's worth the fear of always being worried he'll dump me if I make another mistake? What do you guys think? I really love him and don't want to lose him. I just don't know what to do.

[Star Gazer]

He asked me what we could do to make it go away. Is there anything I can do? I feel like I have no control over that. I don't know if it's worth the fear of always being worried he'll dump me if I make another mistake?

 

You DO have control over it, Shadow. It's called being reliable. How do you do that? By not flaking out on events that are important to your BF. Following through with your word and commitments. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, it's always within your control. This wasn't a "mistake." Here, you made a conscious decision not to follow through.

 

Your b/f puts a lot of focus on reliability. But then, so do you. For that matter, so do most people.

 

If he's being reasonable, he would remember that he also was unreliable when asked to get the book for this exact same project.

 

Read this again, Shadow. Reliability is a perfectly reasonable expectation to have of a SO. He expects it, you expect it. It's totally fair. So the question is, are you reliable? Is he? Are you meeting each other's needs in that regard?

 

I don't recall the exact circumstances about the book incident, but if that too was a conscious decision as opposed to a mistake/forgetfulness, then you should make him own up to that.

[Isolde]

There's a tenuous balance between being accepting and having boundaries. Those boundaries are important, but your BF is being kind of absolutist, which is characteristic of young, idealistic types.

[Star Gazer]

There's a tenuous balance between being accepting and having boundaries. Those boundaries are important, but your BF is being kind of absolutist, which is characteristic of young, idealistic types.

 

Very true, as well as those with very little relationship experience, as is the case with Shadow's BF.

[shadowplay]

You DO have control over it, Shadow. It's called being reliable. How do you do that? By not flaking out on events that are important to your BF. Following through with your word and commitments. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, it's always within your control. This wasn't a "mistake." Here, you made a conscious decision not to follow through.

 

 

 

Read this again, Shadow. Reliability is a perfectly reasonable expectation to have of a SO. He expects it, you expect it. It's totally fair. So the question is, are you reliable? Is he? Are you meeting each other's needs in that regard?

 

I don't recall the exact circumstances about the book incident, but if that too was a conscious decision as opposed to a mistake/forgetfulness, then you should make him own up to that.

 

Maybe I'm wrong on this, but I get the sense that me being reliable with future things might minimize but won't erase that doubt. I've helped him out with a number of things in the past simply because I love him. I did half the work on one of his projects for a class that he was supposed to do on his own, and I would do it again. I've also never let him down before in terms of reliability.

 

Because he's not weighing any of that in, I guess I don't see how me being reliable on future things will get rid of his doubt.

 

Another factor is the next opportunity I have to really prove to him my reliability may be far off. So do I wait around for that day to come, always fearing that he's on the verge of leaving me or feels half-hearted about me?

 

I'm pretty vulnerable when it comes to this stuff, and I don't know if I can deal with being around somebody who is half-hearted about me, meanwhile waiting for the day when I can prove myself and things will go back to normal.

 

I was always trying to prove myself to my ex to make up for a past wrong, and it totally drained me.

 

Maybe I'm totally wrong about this; it's just my gut sense.