shadowplay Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 I figured I'd share my story in the coping section since I'm just starting the healing process and really, really struggling. You can read the long version of my story here. The short version is that two days ago, with no warning, and for no apparent reason my ex dumped me. We had what seemed like a wonderful, loving relationship. He never expressed any complaints to me and also claims he never felt them until he suddenly realized he had been completely repressing all his needs because that's what he was raised to do. Basically he'd been acquiring a list of small grievances (which he couldn't specify, even now, and which he never, ever told me about until he dumped me and apparently wasn't even aware of himself). When he revealed this to me, he also wouldn't allow us a chance to try to work things out or me to address any of his concerns. He said that out of nowhere his feelings for me two days ago had completely changed. This is a guy who I thought couldn't have loved me more, been more devoted to me, who told me over and over that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, who begged me never to leave him, who told me that he would be totally devastated if he ever lost me. The relationship was his first (he's only 22), and it was only 4 months long, but we had a built a trust that I totally believed in with all my heart. It was so hard for me to open up to him completely because of the past hurt I've gone through, and he led me forward always assuring me that I could totally trust him and he would never hurt me. Not only did he dump me, but the way he handled the breakup was incredibly cold, immature and callous, and seemed completely out of character for him. Within a day he seemed totally over it. I saw him yesterday and he was cool and collected. I've read stories like this on LS, but never thought I would go through something like this. I always thought there must have been some sign that the person chose to ignore that things were souring. I thought that if I were the dumpee I would have known something was up ages ago since I'm so hypersensitive to people's feelings cooling toward me. But he had me totally, completely convinced up to the last second. Has anyone gone through something similar, where the ex pulled this kind of thing and then seemed over it immediately? I know the common wisdom is that this means he was emotionally out of the relationship ages ago, but I don't think that's true in his case. I think he really was all in until something snapped inside him at the very end. How do you get over this pain when you know the other person has moved on so fast? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Has anyone gone through something similar, where the ex pulled this kind of thing and then seemed over it immediately? I know the common wisdom is that this means he was emotionally out of the relationship ages ago, but I don't think that's true in his case. I think he really was all in until something snapped inside him at the very end. How do you get over this pain when you know the other person has moved on so fast? I suspect what you saw from him was what he wanted to show you. And what you saw was not reality. As you suggest it was difficult for you to completely open up. Likes attracted...I suspect he never truly opened up to you, even thought it felt like it. He too held back. I hope I am wrong but I also suspect that there is someone else in the picture. For someone to make that type of break usually it is because they have something else waiting for them. You get over this like any of the other similar pain; being kind and taking care of yourself. Focus on you a healing. Good luck. It will get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
gister Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 You'll get over it just keep busy and do that NC thing. And yeah I'm pretty sure if the ex got over it fast they were out of the relationship awhile ago, kind of like my ex. And what grayclouds said seems true to because my ex is over the relationship fast because she said she's been flirting with other guys for awhile now (which she doesn't even consider was cheating on me to any degree) Link to post Share on other sites
SyphenFighter Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 I figured I'd share my story in the coping section since I'm just starting the healing process and really, really struggling. You can read the long version of my story here. The short version is that two days ago, with no warning, and for no apparent reason my ex dumped me. We had what seemed like a wonderful, loving relationship. He never expressed any complaints to me and also claims he never felt them until he suddenly realized he had been completely repressing all his needs because that's what he was raised to do. Basically he'd been acquiring a list of small grievances (which he couldn't specify, even now, and which he never, ever told me about until he dumped me and apparently wasn't even aware of himself). When he revealed this to me, he also wouldn't allow us a chance to try to work things out or me to address any of his concerns. He said that out of nowhere his feelings for me two days ago had completely changed. This is a guy who I thought couldn't have loved me more, been more devoted to me, who told me over and over that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, who begged me never to leave him, who told me that he would be totally devastated if he ever lost me. The relationship was his first (he's only 22), and it was only 4 months long, but we had a built a trust that I totally believed in with all my heart. It was so hard for me to open up to him completely because of the past hurt I've gone through, and he led me forward always assuring me that I could totally trust him and he would never hurt me. Not only did he dump me, but the way he handled the breakup was incredibly cold, immature and callous, and seemed completely out of character for him. Within a day he seemed totally over it. I saw him yesterday and he was cool and collected. I've read stories like this on LS, but never thought I would go through something like this. I always thought there must have been some sign that the person chose to ignore that things were souring. I thought that if I were the dumpee I would have known something was up ages ago since I'm so hypersensitive to people's feelings cooling toward me. But he had me totally, completely convinced up to the last second. Has anyone gone through something similar, where the ex pulled this kind of thing and then seemed over it immediately? I know the common wisdom is that this means he was emotionally out of the relationship ages ago, but I don't think that's true in his case. I think he really was all in until something snapped inside him at the very end. How do you get over this pain when you know the other person has moved on so fast? Wow....I'm so sorry about that and the pain you're feeling. I admit it's very strange that he ended it so abruptly but I guess he never really cared about you if he was willing to end it in such a way... Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 I've gone through it. my ex simply stopped talking to me. no reason at all I know how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 How do you get over this pain when you know the other person has moved on so fast? you start dating others asap Link to post Share on other sites
Odyssey Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 OP, it may seem out of character or cold-hearted to you, but some people are very good are hiding their intentions and emotions. Sounded like he was putting up a brave face for you. Probably put up a brave face for most things. Skydiveaddict - ouch!.. she gave you the total silent treatment? What reason did she give you for the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 OP, it may seem out of character or cold-hearted to you, but some people are very good are hiding their intentions and emotions. Sounded like he was putting up a brave face for you. Probably put up a brave face for most things. Skydiveaddict - ouch!.. she gave you the total silent treatment? What reason did she give you for the breakup? no reason at all just stopped returning calls, would not call me or communicate in any way Link to post Share on other sites
TarnishedInequity Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 OP - It takes time... lots of time. There is NO such thing as an over night fixer. Start new hobbies and keep yourself busy AFTER you've given yourself time to grieve. I've read your story, and I would suggest searching through other people's stories who have gone through similar events. Me, personally, I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 2 years and because he lived in the UK, we were planning for me to DROP my life in the States to be with him... and then... like Skydiveaddict... he just "stops talking to me" - ZERO communication when less than 24 hours before, we had been IMing about the colleges I was applying to. Mmhm... 3 months for me to stop being depressed enough to regain my hobbies, 6 months to start dating again, and over a year to officially stop thinking about him and not be angry or hurt. Sorry I don't have anything sugar-coated to say, but you've got a road ahead of you - lucky enough, you only have 4 months of time underneath your belt and the loss of the time that you wasted won't weigh on your mind as heavily when you are able to lift your head up high and realize you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 Thanks for the advice, guys. Do you think I WILL be able to make any progress when I have to see him for the next month, three days a week in class? Then I have another class with him in September that I'm unwilling to drop because it's really important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 I've gone through it. my ex simply stopped talking to me. no reason at all I know how you feel. Yeah, it's awful. It really drives home how selfish many people are. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Dumped out of the blue.. does suck. But, You know you can get past it. Right now the wound is fresh. and the pain will feel the worst. As time goes by.. you will begin to see perhaps why the R ended.. and be able to piece the puzzle together. So.. time is a great eye opener and healer. All I can tell you is to hang in there. Try your best to forget about the x.. and move forward in a positive way. It's time to take control of your life.. and forget about his. And yes, I have been is your shoes.. years back. I can undertstand how you are feeling. Chin up. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 it sucks been there out of nowhere fiance dropped the ball cheated and left me for another guy. 7 months later again gir I was dating avoided me for like 4 days tehn dropped the ball, "i think its better we should be friends" and now again girl ive been dating for 9 months needs "space" to screw her cheating ex it takes time Link to post Share on other sites
teaplease Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 hey, your story sounds really similar to mine, my ex bf finished with me like 2months ago... after being tohgether two years and spending the whol summer together travelling at the time i was a total mess, as it came competely out of the blue, plus i had so much univeristy work to do, and just didnt know how i would cope, i couldnt eat/sleep/think about anything else but him...but now two month on im doing good, i still think about him everyday, but i don't want to be his gf anymore, i dont even want to be his freind at the moment, i now no longer have overwhelming urges to ring him, i remember when it first happend and all my friends would say 'its just going to take time' ' you will get over him' and at the time i totally thought i wouldnt, i was thinking that they obviously hadn't ever gone through what i was going through other wise they wouldnt be saying such stupid things, i dreamnt of a time that i might feel ok again, and that time has come...! hang on in there! it will be ok, the next month or so will be horrible, but... but it's just like one day something changes, and he/she doesnt matter (as much)anymore... your body/brain will automatically do this at some point, it must be like a self protection thing, imagine if everyone stayed sad forever about relationship breakdowns? we'd be a world of miserable people... Take care! xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
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