Trying an "open relationship" for her.. interesting situation, need input ...LONG

[CFM]

Warning: Long post.. sorry!

 

Alright well, first off I am coming here because I am finding myself very uneasy and looking for some advice in this situation. Most guys will think I'm crazy for doing what I am, maybe you women too, but I need to know if I am over-thinking this entire thing, or if it simply is what it is and isn't a deal breaker. I have not at all had a traditional type of relationship due to physical location and stuff, but I'm not sure if that still makes what's going on okay.

 

I'm not sure if the story of her and I pertains TOO much to the question at hand, but I figure I'll summarize our 4 year relationship -- for just the question go ahead and skip to the bottom.

 

Here's the story though:

 

We have been dating for almost 4 years. I am three years older than her and she is soon turning 21. We started by meeting very casually in person. This was right after I joined the Army. I wasn't from where she is, so we didn't see each other really at all. We spoke a LOT online for probably 6 months before completely falling for one another. The situation was far from ideal considering that at the time I was a bit older (age matters more when you're younger) and long distance. Though, we agreed that we would "date" and basically be together.

 

So, we dated. We talked on the phone literally every night, completely about one another. We were best friends, and it really was the first time I ever had truly connected with someone, and neither had she. We dealt with it being difficult and stuck together. Later that first year together I deployed to Iraq for 15 months. She was there for me throughout the entire deployment - faithful, honest, all around the perfect girl to me. We had few arguments and issues that weren't just tied to the pain of not being able to physically be together. At the time it was your typical pure love story, we completed each other -we wanted to get married and be together forever.

 

I came back from Iraq and pushed into starting to see each other as often as possible. I was stationed 8 hours away from her house and we basically kicked it off meeting each other half-way in a super romantic place. She took the train, I drove up. I made everything perfect for when she got there, watched her get off the train and it was probably the highlight of my 23 years. Everything went off without a hitch - felt right, sex was great, everything as planned. We continued throughout the months to see each other as much as possible - I'd drive my 16 hours there and back every 4-day weekend I was given, she'd come down and visit sometimes when she had a break from college and work. Money was tight, but we were in love and made it work.

 

Eventually, a mixture of things caused me to pretty much start to lose myself. Being long distant was hard, I felt lonely and depressed when we weren't together, but I didn't want to end things - they were still pretty much perfect. Between the visits I started to really get involved in online gaming (an old part of my pre-Army life I wasn't too proud of) and spent a lot of time/money with that. I went from being super fit and muscular to putting on a lot of weight and pretty much not caring at all. I started to truly hate my life in the Army, everything about it just drove me crazy. I became super stressed with work, stressed with being long-distance, and pretty much turned into a major stress eater and sunk into addiction of online gaming to keep my sanity. This was probably the worst thing I could have done, as it chipped away at our relationship slowly and I started to lose myself and be a good boyfriend to her.

 

At one point I was talking to another girl online, very stupid little thing, but it technically qualified as cheating. I just wanted a little side thing to drop the tension between my girlfriend and I, and this was just easy and convenient. Nothing attached, just fun. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life - my girlfriend found out about it and it basically devastated us. We stayed together, but I could tell she lost a lot of respect for me and trust. I spent the next while making it up to her, but she had more than enough reason to be angry with me. We worked through it the best we could, and continued to be "together".

 

After about 6 more months of this, slowly digging myself into a hole, I was 3 months from my date to get out of the Army. Everything started to look up as I planned to move up and live with her, she was ecstatic and couldn't wait, neither could I. 2 months before I was supposed to be getting out I was slapped with another Iraq deployment with the infamous stop-loss (contract is extended for the duration of the deployment). It devastated me, brought back all of the negativity and I continued to basically ruin my life. Her and I stayed together, still mostly happy, still faithful. Our few days together a month or however it worked was basically the one thing that kept me going - the stop-loss thing brought on some very heavy depression and suicidal crap. I tried to get out of the deployment simply due to my mental health, but had no luck. We made the agreement to push through this last deployment as we had the first one. I promised to change for the better, to right my wrongs. I left on a good note, we had an amazing 2 weeks and everything felt right again for the first time in a while.

 

I deployed, things became more difficult. The distance was just becoming ridiculously old. She was dealing with family things, school pressure, etc. Mind you, this is an amazing girl who has gone to hell and back with family issues, money issues, etc all the while has done amazing in school, worked her ass off, and maintained a loving, honest relationship with someone who probably at the time didn't deserve it. During the deployment I sunk into depression once again - the year felt as if it would never end. I maintained contact, we sleep together on the phone nearly every night, etc. There are more little things that have happened here and there, but I think I have covered most of the key stuff. I am exactly 2 weeks from being home, 1 month from out of the army, full intentions to move in with her, go to school/work there, and build a life together finally. I love her more than ever and I owe her a lot after many mistakes I made - she has really been there for me in ways I have failed at times.

 

Here is the situation/issue at hand:

 

Assuming you read some of the above, you get a jist of what kind of relationship we have. Long distance forever, started super young, first love stuff. Being together is more possible than ever now, things are "good" with us.

 

The problem is, now that everything is falling into place, she's starting to realize that she hasn't experienced many people. I guess I expected this to happen considering the circumstances, I almost had planned on it happening during my entire deployment, but it's just now happening at the end.

 

She still loves me, she still wants me to move in with her and be together, but she doesn't want to be locked down with just me. She wants to be able to experience other people while she is still young and wants to make sure that we're going to work and be together forever.

 

When she first told me this (~2 months ago), my reaction was fine. It made sense to me. I was her first love, the only guy she has ever been with, etc. Our relationship has been extremely intense for 4 years now, and she just wants to have a little fun and hang out with other guys without me killing them. I care about her enough and appreciated her honesty and told her it was fine. I kind of expected that this would start happening once I got up there, settled, had my life rolling (school, work, friends up there) and allowing her to kind of do her thing from time to time. Maybe in the back of my head I thought that it was a temporary thing and once she saw me again in person in a couple of months things would be business as usual and she would just want me and only me and forget about it.

 

Well, this led to an interesting last two months. Apparently she had already had a basic friendship with a guy. A party kid up at the university she used to attend. Without knowing her you'd think that they had something more before, but I know that it was just a "guy friend" kind of thing. She was attracted to him, but didn't want to hurt me and never let it become more than just friendship. Well, once I told her I understood about the seeing other guys and stuff within a month she wanted to start seeing this guy as more than a friend.

 

Note that she has been completely and brutally honest with me. She has told me she thinks about him sexually sometimes, she has told me she really likes him. She has told me it's not like her and I, it's not love. It's purely for fun and something a little different, a new experience. I put on my game face and dealt with what she said. I care about this girl more than anything, and I want her to be happy. I feel like I owe her enough to trust that she will keep her love with me and let her do her thing. It's been made clear that all of her friends, family, etc all know me, know I'm coming there, know we're together and basically expect us to get married. The only time she sees this other guy is when she drives an hour to parties and he's there and they hang out.

 

So skip to now, 2 weeks before I'm coming back. I'm not sure if she feels like she's racing time but it feels that way. She's pretty much stepped it up with this kid very fast and I'm pretty sure before I get back they are going to have sex, it is what she really wants. Maybe she thinks once I get back I'm not going to let her go out and hang out with other guys here and there, I really don't know. I didn't really expect this to happen- it's always been about me and her being excited for me to be there and now I feel pretty blind sided by this thing. I expected her to maybe kiss a little or something, but the sex is messing with me. I'm open minded, I know sex doesn't always mean love. For me it hasn't, and more than once it's been a few times thing and never really thought about it again. If this is what it is with her and this guy, and I truly think it is, is it worth me flipping out, ending everything, and being done with her? The other thing is, while all of this is going on, she is still doing things for me. She is setting up a part of her house where we're going to live together, she is planning for our future and telling everyone about it.

 

If she was hiding it from me or not telling me about it I would feel betrayed and it would be different. She isn't though, she's being totally up front, telling me she loves and doesn't want to hurt me or end things we have, she just needs to step away from the hardcore relationship thing a little here and there and experience other people. I am confident that in the end I will win her completely, I care about her more than anything and am willing to do everything. I am very successful for my age and have the means to make everything work and make her happy in the long term and I truly see myself with her forever.

 

So this begs the question, am I setting myself up for disaster? Is this simply just a temporary thing, and once she gets it out of her system we can go back to business as usual? Is it normal for girls to feel this way?

 

I am just torn right now. Part of me figures that this would have happened eventually and if I tough it out and be supportive of her and show I truly care that in the end we will be together. The other part thinks I opened a door (that may have opened regardless?) that will lead to the end of this relationship and I am wasting time continuing to put my heart and feelings on the line.

 

Cliffnotes:

 

Been with a girl for 4 years, believe it's true love - want eventual marriage and kids (her also). First love, took her virginity, rocky but successful being long distant for most of relationship.

 

She's starting to feel like it's now or never to experience some things in life and wants to experience other guys but not lose us. Part of me completely understands and wants her happy.

 

She's started to "see" someone else, being completely honest and not hiding anything. She has been brutally honest about her feelings and tells me everything she does with the guy.

 

Her relationship with the other guy is clearly not love, just fun.

 

I am getting out of the Army in 2 months and can move one of two places. With her or the other side of the country and make things between her and I near impossible to continue.

 

 

My questions:

 

What is your take on this?

 

Am I out of my mind allowing my girlfriend, nearly fiance, be with other men for now?

 

If I stick through this, is it likely that it will turn in my favor?

 

Should I just jump ship now and be done with her?

 

 

 

I'll admit that I'm not extremely experienced with long term relationships. I don't know if what I'm doing is right at all, so those of you that have been around the block I could really use some advice and your take.

 

My apologies for the SUPER long thread, I just have to get this out and want to get good advice.

 

Thanks,

 

CFM

[CarrieT]

What is your take on this?

Mistake, mistake, mistake. And this comes from one who is experienced with open relationships.

 

Am I out of my mind allowing my girlfriend, nearly fiance, be with other men for now?

Yes. Unless you don't mind the FACT that you will lose her. At her age, she is too immature to have relations with another person and also be able to maintain a loving relationship.

 

If I stick through this, is it likely that it will turn in my favor?

No way in the world. Ever. When women have sex with other men, they tend to start developing feelings for them; especially when they are in their early 20s. She will leave you for someone else she "falls in love with."

 

Should I just jump ship now and be done with her?

Yes.

[CFM]

Good dose of reality then. Can't say it's what I want to hear, but probably is right.

 

I guess the biggest sign that it's becoming more is when I overreacted when I was thinking about all of it, told her to end it completely and focus on us for a while. While I assumed her automatic response would be okay, I don't want to lose you, it tended to hang more toward resentment and being upset with me changing my mind that it was okay. Then, she wanted time to think, which led to her basically reiterating to me it was just for fun, which I made her promise to end it if it became more - she agreed and I was "okay" with it. Really, inside it's killing me and if I don't keep myself distracted I can't really handle the pain.

 

I really didn't see this coming, not now. Now to seek some help for staying sane in a horrible break up, heh.

Edited April 18, 2010 by CFM

[CarrieT]

Now to seek some help for staying sane in a horrible break up, heh.

 

You will get a lot of support here but first and foremost is NO CONTACT. When you end the relationship, don't try and "remain friends." Don't text her, call her, or respond to her texts or calls.

 

Read through a lot of the threads here and you will see that NO CONTACT is the best thing you can do to get healing as soon as possible.

[CFM]

I know the way all of your replies pretty much went. You seem to know what you're talking about. I'm curious, what exactly would make an open type of relationship work? Should I really not attempt it at all? I'd suspect with me living there I would know for a fact she's not hiding anything, would me letting her go have her fun once or twice a month without a doubt turn into more? I know the guy she's involved with, I'm light years ahead of him and know they won't last. Could it not just eventually come to it's end with him and then her and I could be stronger than ever?

 

Attempting to not sound pathetic here, but I care for this girl more than anyone in my life and she is everything I want. Is there no safe way to let her satisfy her curiosities and keep us intact?

[Jilly Bean]

OP, I read the whole thing.

 

I think the problem is that when you felt guilty about the online girl, you took it to an extreme to show your gf how penitent you would be. In so doing, and in your quest to show her, her family, her friends, what a great guy are, that you compromised your own boundaries and principles. It wasn't intentional - I think you were doing what you thought was right, until you took a step back, and realized you do NOT want her sleep with other men. Sounded good on paper, but in reality? Not so much.

 

So, I think what you need to do is tell your GF you have thought about it, and you are NOT comfortable with her exploring other friendships/relationships/sex with other men. You want her exclusively, and monogomously. If she disagrees, then you walk. If she wants to explore other fruit, then she can do it without you as a back-up plan. Then, you go total NC. You still may end up together, or not. BUT, at least you will be spared the pain of witnessing her daliances.

[CarrieT]

I'm curious, what exactly would make an open type of relationship work?

Age and maturity. Seriously - I tried exactly what you are thinking at exactly the same age. Now, at 45 years old, I *know* that these type of arrangements only work when people have the benefit of life experience to know the pitfalls and mistakes and know how to avoid them. At this point in your life, both of you are still learning how to have relationships and have these discussions; it is a learning process that you can go through, but not without extreme pain and anguish.

 

Should I really not attempt it at all?

I would advise against hit.

 

I know the guy she's involved with, I'm light years ahead of him and know they won't last. Could it not just eventually come to it's end with him and then her and I could be stronger than ever?

Unlikely. How are you going to feel being alone, knowing she is f**king another guy for -- who knows how long? -- waiting for her to come back? Then, when/if she does, you are going to constantly want to know what she did, how it felt, what did she do with him that she wouldn't do with you, etc.... Can you be strong from those kind of thoughts?

 

Attempting to not sound pathetic here, but I care for this girl more than anyone in my life and she is everything I want. Is there no safe way to let her satisfy her curiosities and keep us intact?

Seriously? No. She is too young to be able to do this and NOT hurt you or someone else. For her, it won't be just about sex -- she will develop feelings for the guys she is having sex with (that is inevitable) and she will resent you letting her go.

[CFM]

*siiiiiiigh*

 

I appreciate the advice here. All of this is happening at the worst time possible. With me about to get back from Iraq all of my plans revolved around her and I. She was there crying more than anyone when I left to get on the plane, I always thought she would be there when I get back, happier than ever to see me again. I don't have the time to start healing nor any good distractions for the next two weeks. I don't know if I should just put the ultimatum on her to completely drop this if she wants me and try to kill the curiosities/urge for other people, or if I should let anger control me and blow this thing up completely. I guess I'm just in a form of denial expecting her and I to end up together.

 

Right now is the night where I think they are having sex. Part of me can stomach it and like I said, take it for what it is, other parts of me are just completely devastated by all of it and the implications. I am disgusted that this is what 4 years of hard and trying times has come to - some random kid who doesn't even care/know about her is going to win. I'm scared of who I will become if I let the anger about all of this take over, I'm scared of what I am capable of if I feel I no longer "control" this situation.

 

I guess there's a part of me that just wants to be strong. I want to take this full on. I want to know every little detail, I want to know what he does better than me, what he has that I don't. I want it to mold me into the perfect man for her. I want to prove to her that I have changed and I am the same guy she was completely faithful to for years, and I am confident enough in myself that I can do that if I keep my eye on the prize. I don't want to just give up and for the rest of my life see her face in other people and wonder and regret not trying - I don't want that cloud over me.

 

So I guess what it comes to is my options are: I go with the basic - "you want someone else? fine, I'm gone" and that is that, or I go there, move in, and see if things go back to normal and can at least say I tried.

 

What really burns me up is that it's so easy for this chump to make her happy right now. I'm thousands of miles away with my hands tied trying to make things work. I want my damn chance to make things right.

 

Ugh, this is so complicated.

 

Combat wounds are nothing compared to a broken heart. I feel like I am dying again every second I think about not ever being with her again.

Edited April 18, 2010 by CFM

[CarrieT]

I don't know if I should just put the ultimatum on her to completely drop this if she wants me

 

How do people usually react when given ultimatums? That is a rhetorical question. How do YOU react when given an ultimatum? 99.99% of the time, it backfires, doesn't it?

 

should let anger control me and blow this thing up completely.

Why do it out of anger? There is also quiet, intelligent, responsible retrospective. Plain and simple, you do not want to be a cuckold and you can do it with dignity and respect for yourself as a human being and for her as a young girl, who is not yet quite a woman, still learning and growing. She has those lessons which need to be learned and it is sad that the cost will be the love that you have for her. That is often the cost of falling in love at an early age.

 

I did EXACTLY the same thing to my husband. We were fine with it for a while and then it began to backfire. But it is part of growing up and why -- I think -- people should NEVER get married or attached until they are in their 30s.

 

I guess I'm just in a form of denial expecting her and I to end up together.

It is not so much denial as it is hope. And we all hope for things. But each day you wake up, you are stronger in being yourself and moving forward. Let her grow and mature and become the person she is meant to be without retribution or anger. That she was honest with you up front about her feelings says something. She could have lied and cheated on you and she didn't. That shows a BIT of integrity and instead of being angry over it, give her a little credit. But it is probably best to move on...

[CFM]

What you said makes a lot of sense.

 

My anger isn't really directed toward her. I feel like I allowed a door to open that maybe wouldn't have by itself. I just wish I could close it now, but I don't think it's possible. I'm angry at the guy and myself more than anything. At him for taking advantage of her situation with me. They started talking during maybe one week where we had been fighting and it festered. I detected all of it late, after she became interested in him. He knew full well she was with a guy that was deployed and he still went in guns blazing. I want to put him in a casket for that, and I'm just angry with myself I let it all go down this way.

 

Thanks once again for your advice, you definitely are wiser than me in this matter and it is helpful.

[spookie]

what a heartbreaking thread. i don't think there is any getting around her need to grow up and experience on her own, before settling down, with you or otherwise. i, too, think no contact is best. trust me, you won't want to witness this. let her go for now, if only to preserve your memory of her as the girl you loved for so long, not the self-destructive monster she's about to become as part of the growing up, losing the person you love, and finding yourself process.

 

maybe you will end up together. but it won't happen just yet. and it won't happen if you stick around to watch this.

[jthorne]

CFM- First of all, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

I agree with all Carrie has said. I read your whole post, but I knew the answer from the beginning when you said you felt uneasy.

You KNOW there is no way you could stand moving in with her and then seeing her go out with other men. And if you were thinking that once you moved in she'd focus on you and forget the other guy, maybe, but for how long?

 

I'm sorry. I'm not saying that you're not meant to be together, but you're not meant to be together right now. Don't get yourself into a situation where infidelity is involved.

Tell her you are uncomfortable with an open relationship, but that she's welcome to look you up when she's single and ready to be with you exclusively.

 

Good luck!

[CFM]

Thanks spookie. You're right.. the girl she once was is gone now. It is becoming self destructive, she's turning into the type of person she never understood or wanted to be because she doesn't want to feel more pain. It's devastating.. she faded without me realizing it until it was too late. What I would give for one more night with her as the girl I always knew. Her life has been a downward spiral for a long time from things out of her control and I always wanted to save her, save the amazing person that she is deep down and have her by my side. I guess I'm just another naive, stupid, young and inexperienced guy. I will probably lose myself for a while trying to recover from this, but the end result will be less painful. Ahhh, all of this while I'm stuck in a place I can't even drink - wonderful.

[terra]

Your story was really heartbreaking. I don't have any additional advice to give you, I just wanted to say hang in there and stay safe.

[CFM]

I talked to her tonight when she was on her way home. She told me they had sex and told me how it all happened. She still wants me to come live there and be her boyfriend and wants this kid on the side "at least once a week".

 

I feel like a huge chunk of my emotions for her just disappeared. I feel completely betrayed that she is okay with all of this - she was always someone who preached so much about how she wouldn't just have sex with anyone and how happy she is she waited for me. All bull**** once she had the chance to hook up with some kid. I'm not sure how to react. I didn't deserve this and I can never look at her the same. Oh well. Life.

[CarrieT]

I talked to her tonight when she was on her way home. She told me they had sex and told me how it all happened. She still wants me to come live there and be her boyfriend and wants this kid on the side "at least once a week".

 

 

No, no, no, no, no, no....

 

For starters, she wants her cake AND her cupcake and wants to be able to eat them both with no repercussions.

 

The absolutely best thing you can do is cut her off IMMEDIATELY with absolutely NO CONTACT.

 

Having to listen to her escapades will do nothing but tear you down, wear you down, and make you feel that much worse. Every time you talk to her you are going to have mental images of what she has done with someone else, even when she doesn't talk about it.

 

Remember the girl she was, let her go, and do not even attempt a friendship with her. She has chosen her path and having you "with a guy on the side once a week" is reprehensible. You should not have to listen to the specifics of her having sex with someone else. It will only damage you further and cutting off contact 100% is the best way for you to heal.

[Holding-On]

As a person in an open marriage that works very well and with friends in open marriages that work also, your situation reminded me of the situation with two friends where he had lots of life experience comparative to her. They got married at that time, had children but continued to grow and experience relationships with other people. However, she was 26 and he was 40. I think you are a bit harsh on someone 21 you've had an exclusive relationship with since 18. I think wanting to have more relationship experience at that age is normal. Also, I think it is normal to "fall in love" a lot when you are young.

 

I do not see the need to put her down or hate her for realizing that she needs to have more life and relationship experience. She tried to have it in the context of an open relationship with you and that isn't going to work. She did, however, try to make it work, to talk to you.

 

You may have discovered you are very monogamous and that is awesome. You can take that into the next relationship. Move on, this one is not for you, you are not helping each other, rather I would say that you are holding each other back.

[CFM]

Hmm, well, then what makes an open relationship even work? Allowing your spouse to see other people but be mature and experienced enough to keep feelings out of it? She's been brutally honest with me and I know deep down she knows it is hurting me, but it's kind of like at this point it just needs to happen and be over with. I even talked to her best friend for years and years who she literally tells everything, and she told me that she knew nothing about another guy and knows that she just wants me to come live there and make things right with us. Does it mean anything if literally nobody in her life knows anything about him, yet knows about me? And like I said, I know she really likes the guy, but she sees no future with him and I think it's mutual. She's made it clear he's just a f*** buddy and that's that - and she'd ditch him for someone else she was interested in, but still keep things steady with me. Is there no way to build a tolerance to something like this going on?

 

I just feel like all of this is my fault and the way I've conducted myself with her for a while. We've just been high tense and heavy drama for a long time because both of our feelings are so strong - but maybe now it's just mine? She just wants fun.. she is acting almost exactly the way I did when I did my little internet fling (I preached to her that I was sick of the intensity and drama in our relationship), but after about 2 months of that going on and it blowing up in my face I loved her just as much as before and wanted us to work.

 

Maybe I've just become used to seeing relationships that don't last being a soldier. I see people get married on the fly, as soon as we take off to Iraq about 50% of the women cheat on their husbands and blow all their cash. This didn't go down that way at all with us, though they could have. It's just hard dealing with someone who has changed so much in a year when it felt like time was basically standing still in our relationship. One thing I've come to convince myself from watching my parents' marriage and other things is that if you communicate, meet halfway, and set realistic goals for a relationship that things will work out. I don't think any relationship just magically falls together and stays great forever - it takes continual work and dedication. I mean, don't even the best, most perfect couples eventually cheat and try something different? Are we wired to want one other person forever? I wish I felt strongly enough in one way so that this decision is easy, the fact is that half of me is hurting more than ever and the other half is not wanting to give up.

 

Starting to feel like one hell of a broken record.. this is just so difficult to put my finger on and go all in one way. She talked to my mother yesterday about how excited she is for everything and to be with me finally and everything working out.. wouldn't she be avoiding this kind of crap if it wasn't what she wanted?

 

Carrie - What's your advice on this scenario? I know you keep reiterating the no contact, but right now I'm between a rock and a hard place if I go that route. I have a lot of my military gear and belongings at her house that I left for her to use when I left. I HAVE to see her within the next month regardless. At this moment the plan is that she is coming down and going to be there when I land. She is happy to see me, has planned stuff for us, taken 2 weeks off work/school and plans to basically live with me while I out-process from the Army.

 

So option 1, I can either tell her now how I feel and she can very easily say she wants something else and continue her "fun" with this kid and I get burned, yet I still have to make my way up 8 hours to pick up my stuff from her house which honestly I have no idea how that will go down. In this scenario I might have some time to heal and get over her, but my return will be insanely depressing and the remainder of my time here will be rough knowing it's over.

 

Option 2, I keep going with what's happening and try to wrap my head around it and make it okay. I tell her I'm not sure how I feel about it (not a lie really) and try to keep everything the same as usual. I refrain from getting emotional or coming off as needy which I really feel right now pushes her away. I see her when I get back and see how things go. Part of me thinks it's ten times easier for her to hurt me being so far away and when she actually sees my face and what it's doing to me she might just regret it all - maybe. I continue to keep myself in this thing and show her I want her and see how it pans out for the last month before I have to make a final decision.

 

Option 3, I accept that it's over but have her come to see me anyway. I keep my negative feelings pent up, slowly detach, and plot my escape. I use her the way I feel used in some ways and have my fun with her and first chance when I'm up at her house I be brutally honest, take all my crap and bail. On my way out I visit the kid who stole her from me and regain a little pride and dignity without hurting him too much .

 

 

 

Fifth day without being able to eat or sleep is really putting a toll on me. Blah.

[jthorne]

Option 4: You have some respect for yourself, and realize that you should be treated with more respect. You should be treated as a priority, not an option.

You go get your stuff back as soon as possible. You tell her you are not willing to be second fiddle, and that she's welcome to look you up when she's ready to be exclusive. Don't settle. If she loved you as much as you love her, you wouldn't have to.

[phineas]

No, no, no, no, no, no....

 

For starters, she wants her cake AND her cupcake and wants to be able to eat them both with no repercussions.

 

The absolutely best thing you can do is cut her off IMMEDIATELY with absolutely NO CONTACT.

 

Having to listen to her escapades will do nothing but tear you down, wear you down, and make you feel that much worse. Every time you talk to her you are going to have mental images of what she has done with someone else, even when she doesn't talk about it.

 

Remember the girl she was, let her go, and do not even attempt a friendship with her. She has chosen her path and having you "with a guy on the side once a week" is reprehensible. You should not have to listen to the specifics of her having sex with someone else. It will only damage you further and cutting off contact 100% is the best way for you to heal.

 

Oh hell no.

 

This.

You are now seeing her true colors.

You are now meeting the woman she really is.

 

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she'd been sleeping with this guy for a while & played the "open relationship" card because you were coming home.

 

She has no respect for you at all.

Her actions show this.

 

NO contact.

Work on yourself.

get your stuff together.

get back in shape both mentally & physically for yourself.

 

Don't let yourself be treated this way.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Should I just jump ship now and be done with her?

 

Honestly yes, and this is coming from someone who did the 'open marriage' thing.

 

Trust me on this one: an open arrangement does not fix a broken relationship. You don't decide to do an open relationship just because you want to sleep with someone else. Open relationships are based on the idea that sex and/or relationships can happen with others and are ideally formed before that happens.

 

If someone decides after the relationship has been cemented that they want to be with someone else and are looking for a 'fix' for a stale/boring/unhappy relationship, that isn't an open relationship. That is just a regular relationship with permission to cheat.

 

You have to be happy with an open arrangement first - not get miserable and then decide to open things up in the hopes that it will somehow 'fix' things. Don't agree on an 'open relationship' because you are willing to settle for that instead of losing someone completely.

 

I can tell you this - every time you have sex with someone, you are at a risk of chemical/emotional bonding. It won't always be a case of her with a 'f*ck buddy' - she may well find herself attached to a guy without really meaning to.

 

She talks to your family and is excited because she does want to marry you. She just wants to be able to f*ck other men as well. She has it made, basically, stuffing her face with cake.

 

If you ask her for monogamy and she says 'no' then you are basically putting a loaded gun in the mouth of your relationship and it will only be a matter of time before that trigger pulls.

 

Hold out for what you want.

 

Do you really want a wife who will stand up with you in front of the altar, in front of God, clergy, family, friends promising herself to you, knowing that she is going to be f*cking some other dude within the week? Do you want a wife who will have sex with other men? I don't really think you do. Tell her that. Tell her you want the real deal and that you don't want to share her.

[CFM]

Thanks for all of the advice, guys. Hearing things from other people really is helping me. I don't feel as alone and confused.

 

I have never hurt like this, ever in my life. I have never wanted something so badly and been unable to get it, especially something I once had. I really love this girl and I guess the fact is that it's her loss. The things I was planning to do would have turned her life around in every way while none of these temporary flings will even come close. I thought I always knew the REAL her, maybe I didn't. Maybe the her I knew is long gone now and remnants are all that is left. She seems annoyed more than anything when I call her and try to tell her it's not okay, and somehow it keeps turning around into me compromising my feelings to keep her for the time being. Hoping for just that one last night or that one last kiss. I really hope I don't fall back into a spiral of depression and self loathing as I had before. She was my rock. She always made me feel good, even on the worst days.

 

Still stuck on the whole ending it thing. Just bought her a $1500 laptop before all of this happened and helped buy things to put our side of the house together. I want to be able to take it all with me when I go up there, I don't want her to have anything. I've already been burned enough here. So, I can play it smooth and get up there pretending things are fine and snatch my stuff and bail when she's out with her "**** buddy" or I can do this now and re-live hell in 3 weeks.

[CFM]

I can tell you this - every time you have sex with someone, you are at a risk of chemical/emotional bonding. It won't always be a case of her with a 'f*ck buddy' - she may well find herself attached to a guy without really meaning to.

 

You're right about it not being a fix. Things were better with us before I allowed all of this to go down, I think part of her felt bad for even letting her emotions take over for this guy. I immediately noticed a difference in her attitude toward me once they started back up. She was short with me, kind of made me feel like it doesn't matter where we stand. This wasn't what I wanted. When I went into it I reiterated time and time again that we need to be 100% concrete before this is okay - I was convinced we were (quite delusional). My instant reaction to all of it was to start doing things I hadn't done - I made comments on her FB that weren't normal of me, saying how much I love her and want her - she basically ignored it and said she didn't want to scare the other kid away. She used to be the one stalking me, and now she isn't at all and I'm the one doing it. It's turned me into this clingy person I have never been, looking and asking her to do the little things she used to - be that obsessive controlling girl she used to just so I know that she still cares. I'm not this type of person usually, it's just this time and place - it's like a perfect storm weathered against me and I am being completely beaten down on all fronts with no defense.

 

Is this enough evidence that there is a strong bond with them? She managed to not stay there and sleep with him after they had sex though he was trying to get her to. She had enough "respect" for me to leave and come home like I told her I wanted. She called me in the bathroom before it happened and said she loves me and it's just for fun. Is this just her doing the bare minimum to keep me going?

 

I think today I'm going to tell her on the phone that I can't do this and I have a feeling it's going to backfire hard. I don't want it to leave me in a worse place than I am right now - at least now she's still talking to me every day and I'm able to fall asleep fine as long as I know she's home. Cutting it off is going to put me in a bad place here especially.

 

Ugh, just when everything was FINALLY starting to fall into place. I finally changed, finally fixed my priorities and made her number one, just in time to get completely burned.

Edited April 18, 2010 by CFM

[Rorschach]

This thread is f***ing heartbreaking....

 

I'm so sorry for you! I agree with everybody else, go no contact and go enjoy life somewhere else, she has no intention of staying with you.

 

God this is making me depressed just reading it...

 

I'm going to go ahead and leave this link here to make everybody feel better. Read this thread and see how it should be in relationships

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228462/

Edited April 18, 2010 by Rorschach

[dreamingoftigers]

OKay I actually disagree with the posters on here.

 

And I am a BS.

 

Each relationship has its own "contract" if you will that can be edited by the people in the relationship if they both agree.

 

YOU changed the terms of the contract to allow her to explore and now you are acting as though she violated the terms.

 

So instead of telling her that the current terms aren't working, or trying to work out the 4 year relationship you are just going to dump her?

 

This girl is expecting you to come home to her and have a loving relationship. You have given her no reason to expect anything else.

 

If you had any balls, you would stand up to her and say "I'm home now. You had your chance to explore, I don't want to share you anymore. I understand that you wanted some companionship/exploration while I was away and I okayed that but i discovered that it hurt more than I thought it would and in order for me to be with you it has to stop. We cannot have a functional relationship with him on the side, so pick."

 

You opened the door together, give her a chance to shut it with you. And don't play with fire EVER AGAIN!