Lessons Learned

[stx]

Well this is my very first post on this site. It has been very helpful to me as I've dealt with my own problems.

 

I became separated 2 years ago and divorced just under a year ago. It all started because of infidelity on her part and I still struggle to make sense of it. We were married for nearly 8 years with no kids. Since our divorce, I have worked hard to move on and create a new life for myself. That process is challenging, but the more difficult part is knowing that an affair was going on for much longer than I knew of. I found out this weekend that there were at least a couple of guys for about a year before I had any clue. I was busy in law school at the time and I guess I was too involved in school to see what was plainly before me. So, if your significant other exhibits any of the following in combination, be wary:

 

1. works late

2. secret phone calls

3. doesn't answer phone, or texts

4. loss of intimacy

5. sudden need to buy sexy lingerie that you never see

6. bikini waxes and laser treatments

7. new workout regiment (usually late at night)

8. secrecy around the computer

9. sudden need for "space" and "time to think"

10. Trips to the grocery store now require suggestive clothing

 

There are some more that I'm sure I'm forgetting, but looking back, I should have paid more attention to these signs. The craziest part is how believable a person can be when lying and leading a second life. I never in my wildest dreams thought she was capable of cheating.

 

I remember when I discovered her mom was cheating on her dad, and I talked about it with my wife. She said she would never, ever, never, ever, ever do anything like that. I believed her. Little did I know, she was having an affair at the exact same time.

 

Our marriage was not a happy one, but I am a true believer in the sanctity of the institution. I attributed most of our problems to the fact that law school was incredibly challenging and time consuming. I thought we could work out whatever problems once I finished the Bar exam.

 

I honestly didn't know things were as bad as they were until the day I graduated. That day, 2 years ago, she missed my graduation because she had to go buy some black pants. She came late to the dinner afterward with my friends and family. She left the graduation party early, said she would be back in a bit, and never called or answered her phone. The next day she told me she didn't love me anymore and needed time to think. Silly me, I thought it was all my fault. What a way to spend an important accomplishment in life.

 

I realized something was up when I saw a charge to Victoria's Secret the week before she took off to spend time with herself. I was heartbroken, angry, and shocked. I had to study for the Bar Exam with the added pressure of knowing my marriage just fell apart and my wife was unfaithful. I passed (barely) and have moved on as best I can.

 

She got pregnant a month after I moved out, which really complicated the divorce. I was able to finalize the divorce and it has been an uphill climb ever since. I am happy I am not married to her anymore. We weren't happy, and never would be. Despite my own lawyer's advice, I gave her the house, everything in it, the nice car, the pets, and anything else of any value. I started over on a garage sale mattress and have slowly put things back together again. I just wanted it over with, and still felt guilty for some strange reason.

 

So, the whole purpose of this rant is that if there are signs of infidelity, don't ignore them. Don't live in paranoia either, but don't stick your head in the sand like I did. If I had known the full extent of her infidelity, I would have taken a much different track in the divorce proceedings. I may have felt less guilty about the whole ordeal. I may have felt less shocked than I did this weekend when i found out the truth. It felt like it was all happening again in real time. My heart sank, and I couldn't wait to find a private place to cry. I could have processed those emotions in the beginning, not now.

 

Thanks for enduring this, many of the posts on this site have helped me tremendously. Hopefully this helps some of you out here.

 

Bob

Edited May 17, 2010 by stx

[witabix]

Well all I can say good for you getting out of that.

 

You passed your exams, I hope that sets you up to move right along with your life.

 

As for not seeing the signs, yea some times you just don't want to see. But it eventually catches you up and and slaps you in the face.

 

So she got all the 'things' but you have yourself back.

 

Make it a success story from here on in, rooting for ya!

[whatcanidonow2]

Hey stx, sorry to read your story. Yes, you have to look out for the signs, but the biggest sign of all was staring you in the face (same for me too), and you ignored it, just like me. You has an unhappy marriage .......... who wants to stay in an unhappy relationship? No matter how busy life it or what the pressures are, we must make time for our spouse & continue to put effort into the M. Without this, it's got a good chance of breaking down.

 

Then it comes down to personalities - some will get depressed, some will up & leave, and some will take an opportunity to find the appreciation & attention that they need & can't get from their spouse. That's the most common reason for an A, the cheating spouse isn't necessarily an scheming malicious person - they may be a normally good person who is desperately unhappy in the M.

 

I’m not justifying having an A, but in reality this is why most of them happen. And the BS has their part in creating the unhappiness, either through deliberate poor treatment or ignorance of knowing what to do.

[Darth Vader]

She didn't try to pin the kid that she was having on you, did she? Did you get a Paternity test done?

[Mimolicious]

I was going to ask the same... is the kid yours???

[stx]

She didn't try to pin the kid that she was having on you, did she? Did you get a Paternity test done?

 

She didn't try to "pin" the kid on me, but it complicated the divorce. In Texas, where I live, any pregnancy that occurs during the marriage is presumed to be caused by the husband. Basically, even though every one knows the kid isn't mine, the law still says I'm responsible for it, i.e. child support.

 

I had to get the real dad to claim paternity under oath, get her to agree under oath, and I had to deny paternity under oath. Dealing with the guy that got your wife pregnant was not fun btw, but it was necessary. The first judge we went to denied the divorce. So, we went to another judge and he agreed to grant the divorce. It took a lot of creative legal arguing for the judge to grant it, but it ended up working out...

 

Now, the baby's father has moved on and left her as a single mother; the third woman he's done that to. It's crazy how fast life can change.

[Darth Vader]

She didn't try to "pin" the kid on me, but it complicated the divorce. In Texas, where I live, any pregnancy that occurs during the marriage is presumed to be caused by the husband. Basically, even though every one knows the kid isn't mine, the law still says I'm responsible for it, i.e. child support.

 

I had to get the real dad to claim paternity under oath, get her to agree under oath, and I had to deny paternity under oath. Dealing with the guy that got your wife pregnant was not fun btw, but it was necessary. The first judge we went to denied the divorce. So, we went to another judge and he agreed to grant the divorce. It took a lot of creative legal arguing for the judge to grant it, but it ended up working out...

 

Now, the baby's father has moved on and left her as a single mother; the third woman he's done that to. It's crazy how fast life can change.

 

How the HECK can they deny a DNA test that shows 99% that you're not the father!? Stupid DAMN COURTS!

[Mimolicious]

For real! I dont understand the legal system sometimes.

 

Karma is a mofo! You get back what you put out. Nobody told her to go having unprotected sex with someone else while she was still married. People are crazy!!!

[witabix]

She didn't try to "pin" the kid on me, but it complicated the divorce. In Texas, where I live, any pregnancy that occurs during the marriage is presumed to be caused by the husband. Basically, even though every one knows the kid isn't mine, the law still says I'm responsible for it, i.e. child support.

 

I had to get the real dad to claim paternity under oath, get her to agree under oath, and I had to deny paternity under oath. Dealing with the guy that got your wife pregnant was not fun btw, but it was necessary. The first judge we went to denied the divorce. So, we went to another judge and he agreed to grant the divorce. It took a lot of creative legal arguing for the judge to grant it, but it ended up working out...

 

Now, the baby's father has moved on and left her as a single mother; the third woman he's done that to. It's crazy how fast life can change.

 

Texas never fails to amaze, and yes it is bigger than France.

 

I think you have had enough of going through the wringer now haven't you?

[stx]

Well, Texas certainly has it's quirks. I'm a lawyer and don't understand what courts do half the time. Many states have similar laws. The idea is to prevent "bastardization" of children. If there is a marriage, and a pregnancy, it is assumed that the husband is the father. The state wants to keep the burden of child care and support off of them and on an individual. That's all fine and good, unless it is you that got screwed over.

 

The wringer was not fun at all. I forgot to mention she emptied all of our bank accounts and left me broke. I had always been careful with my money, and woke up one day and I was destitute. She also had about 10k in credit card bills that I did not know about. She never let me open her mail, and I thought that was because she wanted to feel independent. After all, I didn't want her to have the final word on all of my purchases.

 

There are so many things I know now that should have seemed so obvious then. At the same time, when you trust someone, you don't expect them to violate your trust in such a way. Otherwise, what good is trust. I know that trusting again in the future will be tough to do.

 

Someone mentioned earlier that affairs don't always happen because someone is evil or malicious. I know that she is good at heart, or, not as bad a person as her actions would indicate. That made the whole ordeal so much more difficult to understand. She was the type that everyone thought was so sweet and kind. She would go great lengths to help others in selfless ways.

 

When everything hit the fan, she went to my family's home and told them how it was me who was the cheater. She told them that I was physically abusive and an alcoholic. All of those charges are completely untrue. I never strayed in our marriage, never was physically violent, and although I enjoy a cold beer, I am certainly no alcoholic.

 

Next thing I knew, my grandfather and parents were on her side! I couldn't believe it, and they didn't believe me because they, like me, could never imagine her doing such things. My grandfather even paid for her lawyer.

 

So, in addition to my marriage falling apart, my finances ruined, and the emotional turmoil I was experiencing, I couldn't even turn to my family for support.

 

When she became pregnant, and it was clear that I wasn't the one responsible, my family made amends and came back to my side. I still felt betrayed by them and it has been difficult to repair some of those relationships.

 

Someone also mentioned that the reasons for affairs are often the result of an unhappy marriage. It takes work, a lot of work, even when life is crazy and everyone is busy. If you let it lie for too long, it leaves you.

 

This was certainly true in my case. Although she was sweet and kind to everyone she knew, she was not that way with me. It was like she saved all of the anger she carried and unloaded it on me behind closed doors. She was just not happy and wanted a way out. My perspective was that we made a life long vow, for better or worse, and we would work together through any problems we had.

 

So, although I never anticipated what hit me, I can look back now and understand when, how, why and where things went wrong. Perhaps while going through the emotional fog of the divorce I wasn't capable of seeing clearly what had happened. It was as though all of the information was there, but I couldn't connect the dots because there was no smoking gun. Two years later, I know of the smoking gun, and it is still hard to believe.

 

So now, I face a future free of the nonsense I endured for so long. I was betrayed by her and my family, I was broken financially, and I lost faith in many things that I held to be true for so long. But I am also free. I got myself back as someone mentioned. And as simple as it may sound, learning who you are again is difficult. I'm on the right path, and I avoided letting the experience completely destroy me. I kept my dignity.

[witabix]

.................................. Although she was sweet and kind to everyone she knew, she was not that way with me. It was like she saved all of the anger she carried and unloaded it on me behind closed doors. She was just not happy and wanted a way out. .............................................................

So now, I face a future free of the nonsense I endured for so long. I was betrayed by her and my family, I was broken financially, and I lost faith in many things that I held to be true for so long. But I am also free. I got myself back as someone mentioned. And as simple as it may sound, learning who you are again is difficult. I'm on the right path, and I avoided letting the experience completely destroy me. I kept my dignity.

 

I have dealt with anger at home all smiles to everyone else syndrome. Very hard to take or understand.

 

The final line of the last paragraph, kept your dignity, that is what will keep you going stx. You will recover your faith, some of it at least, I hope.

[reservoirdog1]

I empathize man... I went through the law school/divorce/cheating wife revelations as well. Some differences (your ex sounds pretty evil, mine wasn't -- just sad and cowardly and needing validation) but I know the feelings you're talking about.

 

You sound like you're a young-ish guy. And you're armed with a law degree. Dude, the world is your oyster. You never have to see that beeyotch again. You can make your life into whatever you want, unfettered by her or her bullshyt. She's stuck chasing the father of her child for child support. Her problem. Not yours.

 

You may not be able to fully appreciate it right now, but you are free. You're at the beginning of a long journey whose destination is uncertain. That's a pretty exciting place to be. Grab that with both hands and run with it.

[Mimolicious]

STX... God bless your heart that you are still able to say that this witch is "good at heart and not a bad person". You are far too kind, because is she is not then I don't know who is.

 

I wish you well!

[Darth Vader]

STX, I hope your family is hurting like HELL for what they did to you in betraying you and assisting your Hex in screwing you, talk about double betrayal! And to think, you Hex used your grandfathers dime to screw his grandson! I hope he realizes what he did!

 

BTW, you don't have to pay lousy BITCH anything, do you?

[Darth Vader]

STX, I hope your family is hurting like HELL for what they did to you in betraying you and assisting your Hex in screwing you, talk about double betrayal! And to think, you Hex used your grandfathers dime to screw his grandson! I hope he realizes what he did!

 

BTW, you don't have to pay lousy BITCH anything, do you?

 

 

Your wife was sweet and all out in public, but, well, you know how she really was. It's a Mask effect, to hide their real selves!

[Darth Vader]

I empathize man... I went through the law school/divorce/cheating wife revelations as well. Some differences (your ex sounds pretty evil, mine wasn't -- just sad and cowardly and needing validation) but I know the feelings you're talking about.

 

You sound like you're a young-ish guy. And you're armed with a law degree. Dude, the world is your oyster. You never have to see that beeyotch again. You can make your life into whatever you want, unfettered by her or her bullshyt. She's stuck chasing the father of her child for child support. Her problem. Not yours.

 

You may not be able to fully appreciate it right now, but you are free. You're at the beginning of a long journey whose destination is uncertain. That's a pretty exciting place to be. Grab that with both hands and run with it.

 

So..... there is justice after all!

 

STX, I would warn other men about this chic if I were you, at least let them know what she did to you should you find out about her dating some man. My point, spare someone else the HELL you went through!

[stx]

Quite honestly, the family part was the hardest thing to deal with. I never thought my own family would turn against me, especially under the circumstances. She beat me to the punch on that. My thoughts were to keep any dirty laundry away from public view. Her idea was to flip the script so that I looked like the bad guy in the relationship. Another thing I didn't anticipate...

 

My grandfather getting involved the way he did really hurt me more than I can describe. He's 88 years old and I have always admired him. My admiration immediately turned to disgust and I still have found it hard to forgive him. I know that I need to get over it though, I don't know how much longer he's going to be around.

 

I didn't have to "pay" her anything directly in the divorce. As I mentioned earlier, I basically gave her everything so i could get it over with as soon as possible. I left with my clothes, books, guns, and my car. Enough to get started again.

 

Our biggest asset was the home that was about halfway paid off. Again, in my stupidity and guilt, I thought that she would never be able to afford a house again, and I would, so do the honorable thing and let her keep the house instead of forcing its sale. DUMB MOVE. For a while, baby daddy moved in, and the thought of him enjoying the fruits of my labor really incensed me. Stupid, I know, but I wanted it over more than I wanted to fight. Plus, it wasn't a great time to sell a house anyway.

 

One of the great ironies here is that I initially decided to go to law school so I could have a career where she didn't need to work when we had kids. She really wanted to be a stay at home mom. Well, she's going to be working the rest of her life, and unless she finds some really generous fool, she's never going to be a stay at home mom.

 

As for who she dates in the future and warning them, I could really care less. I don't want to be involved in her life in any way whatsoever. The only other thing I insisted on in the divorce was that she change her name. I have a unique last name that is recognizable where I live, and I wanted no association with her and my family name. I know she legally changed her name back to her maiden name, but I saw that she is still using it at work. Probably so she wouldn't have to explain a pregnancy and divorce. The thought that people might think that kid is mine really really angers me.

 

And yes, she is going to have to get creative to explain her life to whoever she ends up with. She's the best liar I've ever met, so I'm sure she'll figure something out.

 

I tried to take the high road through it all, despite all of the feelings I was experiencing. I could have destroyed her, and the other guy too. At times, I wanted nothing more than to make their life miserable so that they felt the way I did. What would I have accomplished though? We would still be going through the divorce process today. I should have sold the house, but other than that, vengeance didn't seem like the right answer.

 

I'm now 34, and I used the opportunity to go ahead and change my career as well. I was working for a large law firm, but I hated it. I figured that if I'm going to be broke and without personal possessions, I might as well go off on my own and start the business I always wanted. I was in no shape to work for someone else. So, I lived off grilled cheese and ramen noodles, lived on a friends sofa for 6 moths, and I built my own practice. Business is great, and I would have never been able to take the financial risk if I was married and trying to keep up with her spending. I kind of buried myself in working so I didn't have to think about everything else. I just had a huge hole to dig out of, but I did, and I'm proud of that. She took everything I used to have, but she can't take what I've earned since and she can't take the freedom that I now enjoy.

 

It may sound crazy, but I wish her happiness. She is a tortured soul and she never had any peace in her life. I'm not happy at all about everything that happened and how it happened. We all know that our actions have consequences, and she is probably in a desperate situation now. It's not my problem anymore, and her crap is not my concern. It still hurts and it will be a scar on my soul for the rest of my life I imagine.

[Darth Vader]

Quite honestly, the family part was the hardest thing to deal with. I never thought my own family would turn against me, especially under the circumstances. She beat me to the punch on that. My thoughts were to keep any dirty laundry away from public view. Her idea was to flip the script so that I looked like the bad guy in the relationship. Another thing I didn't anticipate...

 

My grandfather getting involved the way he did really hurt me more than I can describe. He's 88 years old and I have always admired him. My admiration immediately turned to disgust and I still have found it hard to forgive him. I know that I need to get over it though, I don't know how much longer he's going to be around.

 

I didn't have to "pay" her anything directly in the divorce. As I mentioned earlier, I basically gave her everything so i could get it over with as soon as possible. I left with my clothes, books, guns, and my car. Enough to get started again.

 

Our biggest asset was the home that was about halfway paid off. Again, in my stupidity and guilt, I thought that she would never be able to afford a house again, and I would, so do the honorable thing and let her keep the house instead of forcing its sale. DUMB MOVE. For a while, baby daddy moved in, and the thought of him enjoying the fruits of my labor really incensed me. Stupid, I know, but I wanted it over more than I wanted to fight. Plus, it wasn't a great time to sell a house anyway.

 

One of the great ironies here is that I initially decided to go to law school so I could have a career where she didn't need to work when we had kids. She really wanted to be a stay at home mom. Well, she's going to be working the rest of her life, and unless she finds some really generous fool, she's never going to be a stay at home mom.

 

As for who she dates in the future and warning them, I could really care less. I don't want to be involved in her life in any way whatsoever. The only other thing I insisted on in the divorce was that she change her name. I have a unique last name that is recognizable where I live, and I wanted no association with her and my family name. I know she legally changed her name back to her maiden name, but I saw that she is still using it at work. Probably so she wouldn't have to explain a pregnancy and divorce. The thought that people might think that kid is mine really really angers me.

 

And yes, she is going to have to get creative to explain her life to whoever she ends up with. She's the best liar I've ever met, so I'm sure she'll figure something out.

 

I tried to take the high road through it all, despite all of the feelings I was experiencing. I could have destroyed her, and the other guy too. At times, I wanted nothing more than to make their life miserable so that they felt the way I did. What would I have accomplished though? We would still be going through the divorce process today. I should have sold the house, but other than that, vengeance didn't seem like the right answer.

 

I'm now 34, and I used the opportunity to go ahead and change my career as well. I was working for a large law firm, but I hated it. I figured that if I'm going to be broke and without personal possessions, I might as well go off on my own and start the business I always wanted. I was in no shape to work for someone else. So, I lived off grilled cheese and ramen noodles, lived on a friends sofa for 6 moths, and I built my own practice. Business is great, and I would have never been able to take the financial risk if I was married and trying to keep up with her spending. I kind of buried myself in working so I didn't have to think about everything else. I just had a huge hole to dig out of, but I did, and I'm proud of that. She took everything I used to have, but she can't take what I've earned since and she can't take the freedom that I now enjoy.

 

It may sound crazy, but I wish her happiness. She is a tortured soul and she never had any peace in her life. I'm not happy at all about everything that happened and how it happened. We all know that our actions have consequences, and she is probably in a desperate situation now. It's not my problem anymore, and her crap is not my concern. It still hurts and it will be a scar on my soul for the rest of my life I imagine.

 

 

You're doing GOOD! Don't worry about could've, should've, yeah easy to say! But, just watch out, if or rather when she comes a knocking! They almost always will! Kick her to the curb! Do the best you can to forgive your family, Yeah, not easy, OUCH!

[caribou]

Well this is my very first post on this site. It has been very helpful to me as I've dealt with my own problems.

 

I became separated 2 years ago and divorced just under a year ago. It all started because of infidelity on her part and I still struggle to make sense of it. We were married for nearly 8 years with no kids. Since our divorce, I have worked hard to move on and create a new life for myself. That process is challenging, but the more difficult part is knowing that an affair was going on for much longer than I knew of. I found out this weekend that there were at least a couple of guys for about a year before I had any clue. I was busy in law school at the time and I guess I was too involved in school to see what was plainly before me. So, if your significant other exhibits any of the following in combination, be wary:

 

1. works late

2. secret phone calls

3. doesn't answer phone, or texts

4. loss of intimacy

5. sudden need to buy sexy lingerie that you never see

6. bikini waxes and laser treatments

7. new workout regiment (usually late at night)

8. secrecy around the computer

9. sudden need for "space" and "time to think"

10. Trips to the grocery store now require suggestive clothing

 

There are some more that I'm sure I'm forgetting, but looking back, I should have paid more attention to these signs. The craziest part is how believable a person can be when lying and leading a second life. I never in my wildest dreams thought she was capable of cheating.

 

I remember when I discovered her mom was cheating on her dad, and I talked about it with my wife. She said she would never, ever, never, ever, ever do anything like that. I believed her. Little did I know, she was having an affair at the exact same time.

 

Our marriage was not a happy one, but I am a true believer in the sanctity of the institution. I attributed most of our problems to the fact that law school was incredibly challenging and time consuming. I thought we could work out whatever problems once I finished the Bar exam.

 

I honestly didn't know things were as bad as they were until the day I graduated. That day, 2 years ago, she missed my graduation because she had to go buy some black pants. She came late to the dinner afterward with my friends and family. She left the graduation party early, said she would be back in a bit, and never called or answered her phone. The next day she told me she didn't love me anymore and needed time to think. Silly me, I thought it was all my fault. What a way to spend an important accomplishment in life.

 

I realized something was up when I saw a charge to Victoria's Secret the week before she took off to spend time with herself. I was heartbroken, angry, and shocked. I had to study for the Bar Exam with the added pressure of knowing my marriage just fell apart and my wife was unfaithful. I passed (barely) and have moved on as best I can.

 

She got pregnant a month after I moved out, which really complicated the divorce. I was able to finalize the divorce and it has been an uphill climb ever since. I am happy I am not married to her anymore. We weren't happy, and never would be. Despite my own lawyer's advice, I gave her the house, everything in it, the nice car, the pets, and anything else of any value. I started over on a garage sale mattress and have slowly put things back together again. I just wanted it over with, and still felt guilty for some strange reason.

 

So, the whole purpose of this rant is that if there are signs of infidelity, don't ignore them. Don't live in paranoia either, but don't stick your head in the sand like I did. If I had known the full extent of her infidelity, I would have taken a much different track in the divorce proceedings. I may have felt less guilty about the whole ordeal. I may have felt less shocked than I did this weekend when i found out the truth. It felt like it was all happening again in real time. My heart sank, and I couldn't wait to find a private place to cry. I could have processed those emotions in the beginning, not now.

 

Thanks for enduring this, many of the posts on this site have helped me tremendously. Hopefully this helps some of you out here.

 

Bob

 

I went to medical school, not law school. And my wife has not confessed to me that she is cheating. But otherwise this feels exactly like my situation...

 

1. works late

2. secret phone calls, locked cell phone, secret Skype account

3. doesn't answer emails, texts etc...

4. loss of intimacy

5. buying a lot of new clothes

6. secrecy around the computer, and i mean TONS of secrecy

7. goes on vacations by herself

[GorillaTheater]

BTW, you don't have to pay lousy BITCH anything, do you?

 

Probably not. There are provisions for temporary spousal support in some instances, but the one thing Texas gets right is no alimony.

 

Stx, I hope the pain is diminishing and that you can get on with your life without being weighed down too heavily by what this toxic woman (and hell, your family)did to you. The only advice I have is to learn as much as you can from your experience, not only what to look out for in a woman but about yourself. Now's the time for as much self-examination as you can stomach. Your need, your wants, your flaws, the whole works. And work those out as best you can.

[Mimolicious]

It may sound crazy, but I wish her happiness. She is a tortured soul and she never had any peace in her life. I'm not happy at all about everything that happened and how it happened. We all know that our actions have consequences, and she is probably in a desperate situation now. It's not my problem anymore, and her crap is not my concern. It still hurts and it will be a scar on my soul for the rest of my life I imagine.

 

STX- been there done that! my exH detroyed me in all possible ways but I got up, dust off and took the high road. Now he pays for a home and a family that he no longer enjoys. It was cheaper to keep us!

 

AND no you dont sound crazy. Remember you get back what you put out onto the universe. Wish her well and you will receive blessings. At the end feeling hate, bitterness and resentment only affects the person who is feeling it.

 

I wish you well and hope you find love again. She will be a lucky girl to have you!

[stx]

First, I want to thank everyone for their input and advice. This has truly been very helpful to me. In a weird way, it's good to know I'm not the only one. I wouldn't want anyone to go through this experience, but knowing that others have helps me better understand my own experiences.

 

Caribou, as a doctor, you know that you don't have to actually see the pathogen to know that there is an infection. If the symptoms are all there, your diagnosis should be easy.

 

I always made excuses because I didn't have the smoking gun initially, so it was easy to attribute her behavior to other causes. Probably part of avoiding the problem and hoping the truth was much different. To use a legal analogy, you don't need to see the "smoking gun" to know someone was shot. If there is a body with a bullet hole through it, you can rest assured that there was a gun. Using circumstantial evidence, you can still prove the crime.

 

That may be all you have now, a list of symptoms and circumstantial evidence. I wish you the best, it is no fun at all when the revelation hits you.

 

Again, thank you everyone for your input, it has helped more than I can describe.