I feel like I want more

[Heathy]

I've been with my bf for a year and a half now. We recently moved in together. But ever since we moved in together I feel like he pays less and less attention to me. Before moving in we practically lived together anyway. We spent every night together and if we weren't working we were together. Now he seems to always be on the computer or something. This isn't new. Even before we started going out and we were friends he would find interest in things other than me. But of course then we were only friends. But he never changed when we started going out.

 

I write him poems and love notes; I've given him a full body massage and am always pampering him; I buy him things; I help him if he needs help with anything but I'm starting to feel like things are one-sided. At first he wrote poems for me and would reply to my notes. At first he was the one giving me the massages. At first he would take me out to dinner(but now he has a lot more bills and I am now making a good bit more than he is...so that I understand)

 

I just feel like I'm wanting more from him in return and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I shouldn't be expecting anything in return. I know I am a little clingy and that combined with him always wanting to do his own thing doesn't help. I also just started working full time so I don't have half the day with him like I used to. We talked about it and decided for him to set aside days of his week for me. Mon, Tue, Wed he can do whatever he wants and I can't complain. Tue & Thur are my days with him. I have the weekends off and his work week varies. He always tries to get either a Sat or Sun off and that day is all mine. The other day of the weekend will probably vary.

 

I just don't feel like I should ask for him to give me days of his week. Partly because I don't think I should have to. But mainly because I feel like I have no right. Sometimes I think maybe our spark is fading and I'm not ready for it too. I don't know what I should do or if I just need to stop worrying

[alphamale]

hmm....sounds like you are being too nice to him. you should be a bit more selfish and mean and see how he responds.

[Mimolicious]

If you feel that it's one sided and from what you are saying it sounds like it is then you should say something. If after saying something nothing changes and things keep on disminishing between the two of you, start focusing more on yourself or maybe end the relationship. Nobody should be more important to you than yourself.

[Heathy]

I don't see the point in being mean to him. He just gets upset and than lays there and does nothing. Which, I feel, accomplishes nothing but making him feel like crap.

 

I've already talked to him. Today is Monday - his day. I'll see how tomorrow goes and then see if its kept up. I'm still waiting to see if he'll reply to my latest note. But just reading what I'm typing I feel like I'm being demanding. I never put myself first. I honestly feel like I'm a naturally selfish person. I never think to say bless you when someone sneezes or think to help someone out by holding the door or something. So I try to make up for it I guess. I never put myself first. I am definitely not the most important person to me. Anyone I care about and care about them more than myself.

[jenifer1972]

I suggest you pick up a book called "Mating in Captivity" -very insightful about keeping the spark alive in long term relationships, and the book, "How to Love Him without Losing Yourself". Both very helpful for us women who tend to 'love too much'..

[Heathy]

Thanks Jenifer. I was actually thinking about getting some books. I have to wait until the weekend though since the book store closes as soon as I get off work...

[BettyBoop]

I know how you feel. My boyfriend is the same and in the beginning of our relationship I felt very much "taken for granted" due to his habits of spending hours on the computer. I am too the one who does all the love notes and sweet stuff.

 

I used to feel very under appreciated until I came to a "compromise" of doing it less. I do sweet things sometimes but not as often. I find it makes me happier when I go to "my partner's level of affection" instead of keeping at my own level and feeling unloved, unappreciated and frustrated in return. In addition, I recently started appreciating myself for all the things that I do instead of relying on him to appreciate them. You're responsible for your own happiness so you'd better make damn sure you appreciate yourself and make yourself happy!

 

My advice is what worked for me - cut down on the sweet stuff. Make him miss it and miss you. If he plays his computer games, use the time to cuddle him (if possible) to get some affection of your own and make sure to do your own things - I cannot underemphasize this - give him the opportunity to miss you! (Go work out or hang with your girlfriends the other days so you don't get stuck in the house when he does his computer stuff).

 

If worst comes to worst, you're just not compatible if you cannot meet halfway. Unfortunately, I cannot say that my way is ideal either but it does take away feelings of being unappreciated/needy.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think men quite like relationship ruts and not sexual ones. Whereas for a woman, a relationship rut seems to kill romance and the spark. Women then feel underappreciated, bored or even a little conned by the relationship. I find it hard to convey this to men. My ex went from being very romantic and attentive, to pretty ignorant of me BUT we had deeper issues anyway which resulted in a break up.

[Heathy]

My advice is what worked for me - cut down on the sweet stuff. Make him miss it and miss you. If he plays his computer games, use the time to cuddle him (if possible) to get some affection of your own and make sure to do your own things - I cannot underemphasize this - give him the opportunity to miss you! (Go work out or hang with your girlfriends the other days so you don't get stuck in the house when he does his computer stuff).

 

That just might work. I've been trying harder to be extra sweet and lovey dovey to try to get a response. The complete opposite. And now that I think about it, when I started working full time he would call me at work just to talk...which I never understood since he only wants to talk when I'm trying to work. And when I come home from going out he's always all over me. Guess I'll tone it down some. Thanks for the great advice!

[rewe4reel]

I've been with my bf for a year and a half now. We recently moved in together. But ever since we moved in together I feel like he pays less and less attention to me. Before moving in we practically lived together anyway. We spent every night together and if we weren't working we were together. Now he seems to always be on the computer or something. This isn't new. Even before we started going out and we were friends he would find interest in things other than me. But of course then we were only friends. But he never changed when we started going out.

 

He is who he is and he hasn't changed. He's not obsessed with you and he has other interests, which is healthy. He may have a little bit of internet addiction or gaming but who doesn't nowadays?

 

He obviously loves you or he wouldn't have moved in with you.

 

 

I write him poems and love notes; I've given him a full body massage and am always pampering him; I buy him things; I help him if he needs help with anything but I'm starting to feel like things are one-sided. At first he wrote poems for me and would reply to my notes. At first he was the one giving me the massages. At first he would take me out to dinner(but now he has a lot more bills and I am now making a good bit more than he is...so that I understand)

 

You make more money than him and he has a lot more bills now and you expect him to take you out to dinner??? Why don't you take him out to dinner.

 

 

 

I just feel like I'm wanting more from him in return and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I shouldn't be expecting anything in return.

 

This is the mind-reading part, you know, the part where the women gets upset because the man isn't a mind-reader.

 

You haven't said what it is you expect from him that is lacking. You want "more" from him, fine. More "what"?

 

 

 

I know I am a little clingy and that combined with him always wanting to do his own thing doesn't help. I also just started working full time so I don't have half the day with him like I used to. We talked about it and decided for him to set aside days of his week for me. Mon, Tue, Wed he can do whatever he wants and I can't complain. Tue & Thur are my days with him.

 

This is weird. Did you move in together to save on the rent and expenses or because you actually wanted to live with each other?

 

 

I have the weekends off and his work week varies. He always tries to get either a Sat or Sun off and that day is all mine. The other day of the weekend will probably vary.

 

LOL, welcome to "reality." You both have busy schedules, you have to work around them to make time for each other. Wait until you have children.

 

 

 

I just don't feel like I should ask for him to give me days of his week. Partly because I don't think I should have to. But mainly because I feel like I have no right. Sometimes I think maybe our spark is fading and I'm not ready for it too. I don't know what I should do or if I just need to stop worrying

 

 

I think you may have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is.

[Mimolicious]

Please dont dont have children. X_X

[Heathy]

He is who he is and he hasn't changed. He's not obsessed with you and he has other interests, which is healthy. He may have a little bit of internet addiction or gaming but who doesn't nowadays?

 

He obviously loves you or he wouldn't have moved in with you.

 

 

 

 

You make more money than him and he has a lot more bills now and you expect him to take you out to dinner??? Why don't you take him out to dinner.

 

 

 

 

 

This is the mind-reading part, you know, the part where the women gets upset because the man isn't a mind-reader.

 

You haven't said what it is you expect from him that is lacking. You want "more" from him, fine. More "what"?

 

 

 

 

 

This is weird. Did you move in together to save on the rent and expenses or because you actually wanted to live with each other?

 

 

 

 

LOL, welcome to "reality." You both have busy schedules, you have to work around them to make time for each other. Wait until you have children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you may have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is.

 

I don't expect him to take me out to dinner. And when we do go out I pay for it. I understand he doesn't have the money. I pay for anything he can't afford. I buy all the food for both of us. I pay for his books and classes if he doesn't have the money. And it hasn't happened yet but if he ever doesn't have the money to pay his bills I will take care of it. I don't care about the money thing at all... He's a hard-worker and I'm proud of him for that.

 

I know I'm bad at the mind-reading thing and I've been working on telling him what I want. I mean I've asked him to write back to my notes. In the notes I ask him questions that I never get answers too. He always tells me he means to do it but got distracted.

 

We moved in together because we wanted to. I was living with his sister before and he was still living with his parents. And no I did not meet him through my roommate. I was best friends with him in high school and his mom begged me to help his sister out so I did. But I was never told her boyfriend was a thief and went to jail for molestation and his sister was very rude to me. He wanted to move out of his parents house so we found a place. We are both paying more but are both happier and a lot less stressed.

[Heathy]

I didn't mention it before but there are two details that may help with your great advice.

 

1) Our sex life is fantastic. No sparks have faded there at all.

 

2) We both do not want to ever have kids. And if anyone ever asks if we plan on getting married we would both say no. Married with kids is not where we see ourselves. Not with each other, not with anyone. It's not our thing. We think that we shouldn't need a legal document to keep us together but our own will.

 

Keep up with the advice. I really appreciate it!

[Ruby Slippers]

Completely stop asking for his time. Get some hobbies that have nothing to do with him. Spend more time away/out with your friends. If you don't have many friends, make some new ones. Make yourself much less available to him.

 

He will be all over you.

 

If you want to keep him there, maintain your own life. Turn him down sometimes, too.

 

As supply (of you and your time) goes down, demand (from him, for you and your time) will go up.

[Heathy]

Completely stop asking for his time. Get some hobbies that have nothing to do with him. Spend more time away/out with your friends. If you don't have many friends, make some new ones. Make yourself much less available to him.

 

He will be all over you.

 

If you want to keep him there, maintain your own life. Turn him down sometimes, too.

 

As supply (of you and your time) goes down, demand (from him, for you and your time) will go up.

 

 

Haha never thought of it as a supply & demand type of thing. But it does make a great deal of sense. Thanks!

[rewe4reel]

I didn't mention it before but there are two details that may help with your great advice.

 

1) Our sex life is fantastic. No sparks have faded there at all.

 

2) We both do not want to ever have kids. And if anyone ever asks if we plan on getting married we would both say no. Married with kids is not where we see ourselves. Not with each other, not with anyone. It's not our thing. We think that we shouldn't need a legal document to keep us together but our own will.

 

Keep up with the advice. I really appreciate it!

 

 

Neither of you want to get married; neither of you want to have kids.

 

If you were REALLY "in love" with this guy you would not be totally ruling out the possibility of EVER getting married or having kids. (Neither would he, for that matter.) It might not be in the immediate future but at least one or the other if not both of you would be "well maybe SOME DAY..." But, neither of you are even considering "well maybe some day..."

 

And, bottom line, this is why you are feeling this sort of undefinable "dissatisfaction" in the relationship. The sex is still great, everything is basically the same. The two of you don't really communicate very well because you're talking about writing notes back and forth rather than just talking with him, which strikes me as a little strange.

 

I'm sorry to say it but this particular guy is simply not "The One" for you, and it doesn't really sound like you are "The One" for him, either.

 

That's fine, but understand that what it means is that your relationship is likely to end sooner or later (sounds like sooner, actually) because one or the other or perhaps both of you are looking to "trade up."

 

Now maybe neither of you can actually do better than you've already got, but maybe you don't realize that.

 

In any event if this guy was "the One" for you, you would be happy with him, not vaguely irritated and dissatisfied. You would also most definitely at least contemplate the possibility of marriage and/or children with him in the future.

 

If you don't want to have his babies, then you're not "in love" with him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

If you don't want to have his babies, then you're not "in love" with him.

 

I think this is one of the weirdest concepts I have ever heard in my life! Is it some type of religious stance?

 

OP, yep, you want more than what you are getting in your relationship, but I don't think the choice not to procreate is an issue, unless you have neglected to tell us that it's your unspoken heart's desire.

[rewe4reel]

I think this is one of the weirdest concepts I have ever heard in my life! Is it some type of religious stance?

 

You don't think young women/young men express their love by getting married to each other and having children with each other? That strikes you as "weird"? Well then you probably like spaghetti sauce on your ice cream as well?

 

OP says she never wants to marry nor have children. O.K. fine. Let's say one day in the future she meets a different guy and decides she desperately wants to marry him and have children with him. Which guy do you think she loves more?

 

 

 

 

OP, yep, you want more than what you are getting in your relationship, but I don't think the choice not to procreate is an issue, unless you have neglected to tell us that it's your unspoken heart's desire.

 

 

Do you think a woman who wants to have children with a man loves that man more or less than a man with whom she has no desire to have children?

 

It's simple really, normal people who fall in love, and have the youth and capacity, want to get married and/or have children with each other.

 

Or do you think that it is normal to want to have children with people that you're not in love with?

[Heathy]

I think this is one of the weirdest concepts I have ever heard in my life! Is it some type of religious stance?

 

OP, yep, you want more than what you are getting in your relationship, but I don't think the choice not to procreate is an issue, unless you have neglected to tell us that it's your unspoken heart's desire.

 

I also think that's a weird concept. Some people just don't want kids. I had to take care of my little brothers until I moved out of my mom's house. I never got to go out with friends without having a small child with me. My youngest brother sends me mother day presents. I got the whole baby thing out of my system early. I want to live my life without having anyone dependent of me.

 

Neither of us are religious and don't see the point of getting married. When he tells me his future goals I am in them. He told me just the other night that when he thinks of his future he sees me there beside him. He says that like 5-6 years down the road he might consider marriage for the tax benefits since we'll be together anyway, why not? If he wants to marry me then I will marry him but I don't want to even considerate until I'm a little older.

 

I also don't really believe in "the one" and am not on some wild hunt for "the one." I am with some one who is very special to me. I am with the guy I had a crush on for 4 years and thought I could never have. I am with my best friend. I am in love with him. I don't need marriage or babies to prove it. I'm the type of person who aims for perfection to be the best I can be. And sadly I try to do that with my relationship as well. I know I have communication problems and therefore we have communications problems. He is not the reason for my problems but he is a victim. I first met him my freshman year of high school and wouldn't talk to anyone there, I was so nervous. He was the one to get me to open up. He got me talking to him and then my other classmates. I have problems opening up to anyone and I have never opened up to anyone as much as him. Any problem I had throughout those awkward high school years, he was the one I talked to about it.

 

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that my problems with communicating will not be solved by finding someone else.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I think it's a religious stance, yes...

 

The height of love (in my humble opinion) is the commitment of marriage and eventually the bond of the love when the two come together (no pun intended) and creating another human being...

 

But I do not fault anyone for not sharing my views. We are all entitled to our own opinions. I can see how someone who had to take care of their siblings might be particularly averse to raising children.

 

As a matter of fact I would respect individuals for openly admitting and agreeing that they choose not to have kids, as opposed to so many people who get married and have kids just to do as most people do (or what family, society or others expect of them)... then end up divorced and tear the family apart!