Broke nc and got a date with my ex!

[AlwaysConflicted]

I got a date with my ex doing the opposite of what everyone told me to do.

 

As most of you know, I've been devastated for the last month. I under-appreciated my ex and took her for granted. She broke up with me on the phone for these reasons.

 

The first few days I sent flowers and emails to win her heart back. She was appreciative, but nothing major. She said she wanted a few weeks to think about everything. After that I went NC for 1 month. I broke NC to wish her a happy birthday. Then went NC for 2 more days.

 

Today I broke NC and called her and left a voicemail telling her I miss her and wanted to explain some miss-communications. I got a return call but I missed it (didn't leave a vm) Stupid me. Then I said "F" it. I grew a pair and drove over to her house. I knocked on her door and said, "I'd like my girlfriend back". She said she wasn't interested in me anymore and was a little annoyed. I was shocked that she had NO feelings for me, but I proceeded to explain everything I did wrong and how I would change. We spoke for an hour or so. I spilled my guts.

 

She was flattered as we laughed and cried together. She saw my emotion, my action and we made a date for coffee. We both acknowledged that we can't go back, but maybe we could try something new.

 

I bring this up, because everyone on the forum says to go NC. I was dumped. 1 month passed....I was depressed and upset. In that time I worked out, got healthy and got a new job. If I didn't break NC and if I didn't drive to her house tonight we would never have spoken to each other again. She told me that herself.

 

What I did took a level of courage that I didn't think I had. I got sick of being depressed and seized the day.

 

I don't know if this relationship will work again. The reason I post this is to give you hope and to help you see that not every girl is the same. She didn't want me to respect her space, she was upset that I didn't stand up for what I wanted. HER.

 

I broke NC, I was the dumpee, and I got a date with my EX. I feel this post is important because there are some women out there that want a movie ending. They want the man to show up out of nowhere and declare his love.

Edited June 23, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted

[Username37]

Wow man! Congrats.

 

I confessed my love to my ex-girlfriend, and I tried apologizing. Nothing man. I can't get her back. You're a lucky man and I wish you the best

[AlwaysConflicted]

Thanks! I don't have her back yet. Just a date. I also think that this is a rare type of girl.

 

It wasn't the confessing that got me the date. It was the dramatic way I did it.

 

I've attempted grand gestures in the past and they haven't worked. I guess it depends on the girl.

[heavensmesenger]

Congratulations, I'm proud of you for taking that step. You stood up and got what you wanted.

 

Now make sure you be yourself but above all don't ruin it and take her for granted.

 

I wish I could do the same *scratches head* maybe when my ex is single.

[Circular]

Like I said in the other thread; you are going to do what you want to do regardless of the advice anyone gives you. I knew you were going to either send the letter or try to talk to her within 24 hours of your other thread.

 

Second chances often fail because people are ingrained with learned patterns, especially in relationships. Keep that in mind as you move forward. Most likely starting very soon you are going to fall back into some of those same patterns - 30 days isn't long enough to change, sure you can 'become aware' but change takes time and determination and a lot of self introspection to understand where those patterns originate from.

 

One of the things you mentioned in your other thread was that you canceled on going on a trip with her because a few days before she didn't feel like going but instead wanted to be with her friends. You canceled in retaliation, that is classic passive aggressive behavior - have you thought about this at all? Like how are you going to overcome passive agressive knee jerk reactions?

 

I'm only saying these things because luckily she's letting you put your foot in the door. It's all yours to win or lose.

 

I wish you the best of luck

[AlwaysConflicted]

Circular:

 

You're right. Interestingly enough, that long romantic letter would have failed its mission.

 

I felt it was important to post my update to the community because not everyone operates by the same rules.

 

I would agree that NC is generally the best course of action, but there's always that chance. The rare gem of a girl who says something, but means something entirely different.

 

I will be more mindful of my behavior.

 

Thanks for the best wishes.

[DenverBachelor]

Although I don't agree with your methods, I do admire the fact that you had the balls to do what you did and somehow got away with it.

 

I don't think this is going to end up the way you think it will, but however it ends up, you will learn a lot from the experiences.

 

You're definitely a strong willed person but sometimes two people just need a long time apart before they can try at a new relationship that is different from the one that failed.

 

BUT -- every couple is different in some way and you know her best. The question then becomes, how well do you know yourself right now?

 

Best of luck to you.

[brokendream]

OP I've been following your other posts, about the letter etc and I'm delighted this worked out for you. As a woman I would be thrilled if a guy did that for me. A letter kinda seems like the cowards way out after that. I hope things go well when you meet for coffee

[hurtingalot]

Man, I'm new here, and reading this post is awesome. I'm going through it right now, and would absolutely love to drive to her house, but I was told she'd be angry and it'd make things worse. My first post is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t235794/

 

And I know it's pretty longwinded, but I just discovered this forum today so I had to get it all out. I'm just confused, and our relationship issues stemmed from miscommunication issues, in which she knows exactly how I felt in the past and how I presently feel, so I've just begun NC even though we are bonded in ways where we'll still have to communicate. It's been hard, geez only for one day, after I had been NC for 2 days, but realized during the 2 day stint we still weren't on the same page after she called me yesterday, so today's my first NC day. I apologize for run-on sentences, etc. My mind's just mush right now; it's just a lot to digest.

 

Thank you for your inspiring post, and I wish you all the best.

[supersub]

Congrats man,

 

I know it means a lot to you.

 

I will be honest though. You are just going out for coffee, you are not back together yet.

 

I have been through this exact thign, and for me it did not work. I wish you the best and hope you are one of the minority that makes it through.

 

Just be aware to leave your emotions at the door.

 

Okay?

 

Sup

[spyyder]

Congrats man, don't mess the date up. Your totally right, going NC isn't always the best way and no 2 women are the same.

 

I guess there are people who want someone that doesn't need & want them, and there are people who want someone that actually wants them. Personally if I broke up with my gf, I'd be quite unimpressed if she didn't try to fight to win me back.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I will be honest though. You are just going out for coffee, you are not back together yet.

 

I have been through this exact thign, and for me it did not work. I wish you the best and hope you are one of the minority that makes it through.

 

Just be aware to leave your emotions at the door.

 

I completely understand. She flat out told me that she didn't have those feelings for me anymore. I think a lot of dumpers disconnect their emotions when they come to the conclusion to dump. However she applauded my action and actually said, "I have to say, what you did takes guts, you did good".

 

This is just coffee and I'm not sure she'll ever feel those same feelings for me again. I look at this as an opportunity that never would have been possible if I had not taken action. No regrets.

 

If she decides to give me another chance, it will be a completely different relationship. Starting from scratch.

 

And Spyyder, I would feel the same way. If I broke up with a girl and she didn't even attempt to get me back I'd be upset. I think sometimes you need to fight for who or what you want no matter the outcome.

 

At this point, I have zero expectations. We'll see.

[brokenamy]

So proud of you. Good luck to you both.

[supersub]

I completely understand. She flat out told me that she didn't have those feelings for me anymore. I think a lot of dumpers disconnect their emotions when they come to the conclusion to dump. However she applauded my action and actually said, "I have to say, what you did takes guts, you did good".

 

This is just coffee and I'm not sure she'll ever feel those same feelings for me again. I look at this as an opportunity that never would have been possible if I had not taken action. No regrets.

 

If she decides to give me another chance, it will be a completely different relationship. Starting from scratch.

 

And Spyyder, I would feel the same way. If I broke up with a girl and she didn't even attempt to get me back I'd be upset. I think sometimes you need to fight for who or what you want no matter the outcome.

 

At this point, I have zero expectations. We'll see.

 

I just don't want to see you get hurt again man.

 

Good luck!

 

Sup

[DenverBachelor]

If she decides to give me another chance, it will be a completely different relationship. Starting from scratch.

 

At this point, I have zero expectations. We'll see.

 

No, it won't be a completely different relationship. Your mind is still in the old one. Not enough time has passed (not by a long shot) for the two of you to approach this as a new relationship. She's having coffee with you (if she shows up) because she feels guilty. That's it. She's not getting back with you.

 

Plus, you're lying to yourself when you say, "I have zero expectations." You have a very big expectation -- you want to get back with her.

 

You're meeting her way too soon after this breakup. You're going to set yourself back. You should be in NC right now.

[hurt and devastated]

I just don't want to see you get hurt again man.

 

Good luck!

 

Sup

 

 

I feel the same way. I read your whole story and I'd hate to see you get so close and have the rug snatched back out from under you. The best of luck to you.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Congrats!

 

I also find all the "Go NC forever!" suggestions quite disheartening. I believe if two people love and respect each other and are willing to establish a healthy communication channel between them, no 'rules' are needed. NC works to a certain level, and is the answer for certain cases where the breakup is NOT amicable (e.g. the other person cheated or is being cruel). However, with two mature people, 'putting all your cards on the table' works a lot better.

 

I think miscommunication caused the breakup in your case in the first place. I hope you guys won't make the same mistake again.

 

Good luck! I'm happy for you!

[AlwaysConflicted]

Last night was a cathartic experience. I have no regrets. I felt more at peace today than I have in the last 30 days.

 

Thank you for caring about me, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

[Binster]

Keep posting it would be great to see a happy ending. Good look.

[lullaby]

Good!!! keep up the good work!

 

It's a great step and be really careful.

 

Yes, NC rule is important, but it depends on each of us and no one is the owner of the truth. Read her actions more than he words and let us know how this goes, ok?

 

Just remember one thing: this is a process, it doesn't have an expiration date and you should be patient, ok? Trust me. I've been there too and anxiousness stood against me and it can hurt a lot.

 

I'm a believer of second chances, so good luck! keep us updated!

[AlwaysConflicted]

Denver: You may be entirely right, but no guts no glory.

 

She might cancel, she might not. She might go out of guilt or maybe she's curious. Regardless, I've done what can be done. I expressed my feelings for the woman I love. Did I get the response I wanted? No, but the story isn't over.

 

For a while I've had a series of bad things happen to me. It's felt like life has been kicking me while I'm down. The other night, I made a stand. I drew a line in the dirt. I may not have control over this situation, but I'm proud of myself.

[NABDP]

AC! Wow I had no idea this happened. As many have said, NC is typically always the best approach but it is not 100%. It sounds like you went outside of the box here and got her interest. Good stuff. You took initiative, not in a crazy, begging way, but just in a way that showed what she means to you. You are being true to yourself. And she saw that So good for you. She knows that took guts and so do you.

 

I look forward to the results. As you say, of course she could chicken out and cancel on you. But she's already seen you in person once and it worked ok so I would assume seeing you again will not be something she is scared of unless you plan to interrogate her.

 

On my recent meeting with my ex, I decided that we had previously spent enough time back and forth about us and the breakup, etc. It was time to just get together like we did before the storm. Just to meet, to talk, laugh a little, enjoy each other's company. I suggest you try the same. Leave her with a good impression. It will be tough to not say what's on your mind. I can't say I was perfect either because you get tempted to "fix" things again...But the more you just make it a pleasant, date-like experience, keep your cool, the better off you will be. I actually found myself having fun and forgetting about the whole mess at times. I hope the same for you.

 

Looking forward to your results.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Deep down I know this is a bad idea for a couple of reasons. The 1st being that I already know she has no feelings for me (she flat out told me). The 2nd, I'm not in a very positive head space right now so it'll be hard for me to be cool.

 

How a woman goes from "I love you" to "I have no feelings for you" in the course of 4 weeks still baffles me, but what can I do?

 

That being said, experiences like this make life interesting. If nothing else, they make for good stories.

 

We're suppose to go out tonight, but I haven't heard from her yet. It's still early and she said she would get in contact with me.

 

I'm betting she cancels or makes an excuse to postpone or maybe won't contact me at all. I just wish we could go back in time and do things differently. It's such a shame...

[nihilanth100]

Stay strong conflicted.

 

Like you said, this is an experience and you will only learn from it. I told my ex this when we broke up: "I am going to catalog this entire experience in my memory because it is truly amazing and i've never felt/seen any of this before".

 

Everyone does wish they could go back in time, but until we can traverse wormholes and defy classic physics or what not we can only better ourselves for the future.

 

I think you would be better off moving on.

[What_Next]

For heavens sake do not put forth a negative attitude. If you do, you'll drive her further away. Go back and think about all of the things you did to attract her and to keep her interested in the first place.

 

Do them! Do them all!

 

You now understand what broke the relationship down, and you obviously knew what made it work. The choice is yours to make.