Long-Distance Heartache..

[cron]

Hello, everyone. I'm new to this site and wanted to share my story, with hopes of some insight. (Please pardon me if I also post this in the breaking up forum and also, I know this post will be long, but any advice - especially advice from a guy- will be greatly welcomed.) Here's my story:

 

My boyfriend and I had been together for 7 months. (I am 30 and he is 39. He will be 40 in November and never married and has no children.) I live in Atlanta and he lives in Boston. However, we have seen each other every two to three weeks and sometimes even more frequently than that! We met through a mutual friend over a year ago and our relationship developed last November. Our relationship progressed in such a wonderful way. We knew after a few months that we wanted something more! In fact, HE was the one who initiated talk of us marrying, where we would honeymoon, etc, etc, etc. He asked me to move up to Boston by the end of the summer and told me to tell my parents that a ring would follow! So, I started looking for jobs in Boston. We have met each other's families and close friends and all went well on both fronts. I was convinced that I'd found my soul-mate and I was sure he felt the same way.

 

Even though the relationship was long distance, we resonated very well with each other. Everything came so naturally! He had a high profile, well-paying job that he loved with a college but the entire staff was dismissed earlier this Spring out of the blue. He was worried for a while but optimistic that he'd find a new job and he did (he found a new job with another college in late May.) Though it didn't pay nearly as much as his former job, he was still optimistic. And, he received a great severance package and, well, the point I'm trying to make is, my ex was not a guy who was hurting for money. But, that's not the "bad" part.

 

In April, I found out I was pregnant. I was SHOCKED, scared and so depressed! I was on birth control when we conceived so needless to say it was not planned. Even though I am 30, stable and relatively settled, and he is 39, VERY successful in his career and financially and emotionally stable (or so I thought "emotionally stable"), having a child was the last thing on my mind. The first thing that I thought was "I must have an abortion!", but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I did that to my child. Plus, my boyfriend loved me SO much! We'd talked about children and having them after marriage so if I were to abort his child I knew he would go through the roof and never talk to me again. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy for over a week and decided to fly to Boston to tell him.

 

At first, he was very excited! He was very nonchalant and calmed my fears. He said that he "couldn't think of anyone else" he'd rather have a child with than me and we discussed me moving to Boston and living with him to raise our child. He even told me that he'd prefer me to stay at home with the child instead of resorting to daycare while he worked to provide for us. He also said that he wanted us to have another child in a couple of years because he didn't believe that a child should be an only-child. It all seemed like a fairy tale! He looked me in the eyes and told me that "Everything will be ok because we love each other." However, for the next 4 weeks that lead up to my "confirmation" appointment with my OBGYN, he didn't want to talk about the baby. When I would bring it up, he would question me. "How could this happen? What if you're not really pregnant? You were on birth-control, after all." Even though I'd explained to him that I'd taken SIX pregnancy tests, it didn't register with him. AND THIS IS A 39 YEAR OLD MAN???!! To me it seemed as if he were in denial. When I would tell him about my stomach cramps, he would exclaim "See, you're cramping! It's your period coming, you're not pregnant!!" I could barely believe it! Basically he wanted us to wait until my doctor's appointment (which was a month later) for official confirmation and THEN we could discuss it. He said that after we had confirmation, we could go out and "celebrate and then think of baby names!" Until then, to avoid further upsetting him, I walked on eggshells and avoided talking about the baby. For the next month, I thought about the baby CONSTANTLY but couldn't even bring it up around him. When I felt sick and weak, I didn't dare tell him so. I felt that I was doing it all alone.

 

A month later, on May 7, he flew down to be with my at the confirmation appointment. I was so happy! My man was supporting me and our child! I thought things would be ok. Still, 2 hours before the appointment, he barely spoke of it so I brought it up. I asked him how we would raise the baby and he said "Well, baby I support whatever you choose. You dont have to KEEP the baby!" I couldn't believe it! Here he was suggesting that maybe I could have an abortion. Then he went on to say that if I kept the child, he didn't know how "active" he could be in its life because he travels so much for work. Then he went on to say "I mean, I really don't know where this relationship is going anyway." I felt numb. Up until this time he's talked about marriage with me, and kids, and OUR future together and now he says "I don't know where this is going."?????? I felt like trash! I didn't even want him to go with me at that point! We went to the appointment and he didn't even want to come back to see the ultrasound or meet the doctor who'd be delivering his child. The 3 hour appointment was the loneliest of my life. To make matters worse, he would text me constantly as I sat in the waiting area for my doctor (while he sat in reception) asking if I'd been seen by the doctor yet, as he was growing impatient.

 

The outcome of the appointment was crushing: In short, the doctor told me that I was going to have a miscarriage. I was supposed to be nine weeks pregnant but the fetus didn't look developed past 3 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I felt a part of me die when she told me that. For over a month, I was anxious, nervous, and so scared, but I'd accepted the fact that I was going to become a mother, and now THIS? I wanted to die. I wanted my baby. As I went to another room for a more advanced ultrasound, I told him the news but he was too occupied with his iPhone and texting business associates looking for a new job and talking to them about prospects. When I came back from the second ultrasound to complete bloodwork, he stopped me and in front of the office staff asked "How much longer?" as he was on the phone. I almost killed him. To top that off, as we are driving out of the parking garage, he turns to me and says "You know, I had my back up against the wall. A lot of colleges like small Catholic colleges wouldn't hire me if I had a child out of wedlock, you know?" Why didn't I hurt him right then and there?!!!! He flew back to Boston 2 days later.

 

When he got back, I barely heard from him. We went from texting and calling about EVERY little thing, every single day to me not hearing from him? My miscarriage began 5 days after the doctor's appointment and I will spare you all with the details of that horrible experience. I have never been in so much physical and emotional pain in my life. And, I had a natural miscarriage so it feels even worse. Though he's in Boston, shouldn't have called me EVERY DAY to see how I am? In the 5 days since he'd been back in Boston, I only heard from him twice. When I told him about the pain I was in and that the miscarriage had begun, he responded "Oh, I'm so sorry!" It was as if I was a burden to him. We never even discussed the miscarriage together.

 

In conclusion, over the next month, I barely heard from him. I was trying to give him "space" thinking he was trying to adjust to a new job but he never gave a DAMN about me! I cried for him when he lost his job but he never cried for me! I loved and needed him! Even if he didn't want the baby, I unfortunately had a miscarriage... Shouldn't he be "relieved" (for lack of a better word) that the pregnancy is no more? Does he blame me for getting pregnant? Why do I feel so guilty?

 

He would go days and days without contacting me so 2 weeks ago I called to discuss the bills from the miscarriage that he said he'd pay. I asked him, "Baby, what's wrong? Something is up." and he said "I've been meaning to talk to you. I just can't do this. The distance and everything, and well, I'm not ready to take that next step and have you move here." I was crushed. I saw this coming but still I was crushed. In one month, I lose him and my baby. OUR baby. I went in circles with him. I told him that I didn't need to move to Boston now or even this year! We could stay in the relationship and see where things go! One month prior he wanted to marry me and now he didn't feel committed to take that next step and have me move there? I wasn't asking for marriage, I was only asking for him! I even told him that I'd move there, get my own place and that way he wouldn't feel "responsible" for my well-being if things went bad. He didn't even want that. I couldn't believe what was happening. He didn't even have the nerve to tell me this face-to-face after ALL we'd been through. How could he leave me in my most desperate time of need???

 

I felt myself starting to cry but I stayed strong. I raised my voice and told him that he wasn't making sense. How can you say you couldn't see yourself without me and all of a sudden "Poof! I don't want you anymore?!!" I wished him luck and hung up the phone in anger. The bad part is, I wish I hadn't done that. I wanted to call him back and tell him one thing: I'd never gotten a chance to tell him how he made me feel like a dog in that doctor's office. I don't know if I'll ever get that chance.

 

Where do I go from here? What do you guys think is his problem? I didn't get pregnant on purpose. Where did I go wrong? Not only and I trying to grapple with the loss of my baby, but now I'm having to go through the misery of losing this great man that I loved too? That's not right!!! I don't know what to do.

 

Do you think if I lived there or if he lived in my city this would have happened? Is he using the distance as a cop-out? I need closure and even though it's been 2 weeks, I'm afraid I'll never talk to him again! Do you think I should fly there and ask to see him face-to-face? Someone please shed insight. I'm about to lose my mind. What should I do? I need to tell him how he made me feel! I'm so angry right now and feel as if I can't carry on. Please help me someone.

[callalilly]

This man showed you his true colors with the way he handled your pregnancy and how he has treated you subsequently. I know you are devastated, but in hindsight I think you will see that you were fortunate to find out his true nature before moving to Boston and committing yourself any further to this relationship. You did absolutely nothing wrong, so please stop second guessing yourself. This man is so cruel and sounds almost like a sociopath from your description. Please get some support and help from others to cope with this heartbreak ... Don't try to tough it out all alone.

[StarrySkyBlue]

I'm very sorry about the whole thing, especially the miscarriage. I know people who have gone through something like that and I'm know how devastating it is.

 

You did nothing wrong. The man freaked out. A 39-year-old man who has never been married most likely has commitment issues. I know a child is a huge thing and he was probably scared, but that's no excuse to behave the way he did, which was totally selfish and irresponsible. It's a sure indication that he only thinks about himself and that if something bad happens in the future he's just going to run and leave you to deal with the mess yourself. You're right to be angry. The best thing is to go NC and hope that you will never have to see him ever again. Trust me, you deserve someone way better than this man.

 

Don't contact him. If he calls you, don't answer. He obviously only cares about his own happiness and convenience, and he places that far above you or his baby. You definitely don't want someone like that in your life.

 

Right now it hurts. I'm very sorry you're going through this. But this man is bad news. No matter how much money he makes, an immature bastard is still an immature bastard. The distance doesn't matter. He just doesn't want the responsibility. He would have done the same thing had he been from your town. Think of it as good luck that you got to see his true colors before you were in it deeper.

 

Sorry about the language, but bailing on your pregnant girlfriend is NOT acceptable. I'm very sorry about what you've been through, but please don't talk to him anymore. Just go NC, move on, and let him always wonder if he's made the biggest mistake in his life.

 

I wish you all the best!

[aerogurl87]

He's an insensitive jerk, that's it. My ex was like this, as he called me to tell me he loved me and couldn't wait to see me in 2 weeks, only to dump me 3 hours later through a text message. Some people are just heartless, it has nothing to do with you, they're just screwed up.

[cron]

Wow, you guys are great! You've all said exactly what I began to think the moment he showed his true colors at the doctor's appointment. As far as I'm concerned, the relationship ended that day and I'm so mad at myself for NOT speaking up, throwing him out of my car and telling him "GOOD RIDDENS!" and ending it like I felt in my heart. Instead, we had dinner with my parents later that evening and he swooned my dad with a bottle of expensive wine. Grrr...

 

Callililly, when I read your response my mouth dropped and I had to laugh a bit! My psychiatrist said the exact same thing - That he has the characteristics of a sociopath!!! I mean, it was absolutely scary the way he changed in an instant. After the doctor's appointment, and for the rest of the weekend that he was here in Atlanta, I felt weird. When he kissed me or touched me, I felt as if I were interacting with a total stranger and I shunned him. Why? Because I didn't know this man. This was not the man that presented himself to me for so many months.

 

I guess I'm just mad at myself for never telling him how he made me feel like trash that day. I hate that, in my anger as he ended things on the phone 2 weeks ago, that I forgot to tell him how insensitive he was during the whole miscarriage. But thinking on it, would it really matter if I had? Would a person like him even care? I may never know. What I do know is that when the goin' got tough, he got goin'.

 

I avoided expressing my feelings about that day to him because I didn't want to add stress to him. He was transitioning into a new job and I walked on egg shells to spare HIS feelings instead of expressing mine. I constantly beat myself up for this. I do not want this man back but darn, if I could have a chance to say those things that I want to say to him. I'm also so mad that I got my family involved and they loved him. (I promised my parents that the next guy I brought home would be the "one". After he'd promised marriage, I begged my overly Conservative parents to meet him and they liked him.)

 

They say that you must learn something from every relationship, and that no one person is completely at fault. What I've learned and where I will improve myself on is this: Never be a push-over for anyone. I was too nice for this man from the get-go and I pushed a lot of my feelings aside in favor of his. I will never let this happen again. And, in hindsight, maybe this is a revelation that I have some self-esteem issues to work on myself!

 

Should I write him a letter and address the way that he made me feel in the doctor's office? Should I send him a text or call him asking for a face-to-face meeting? Sure I could do that but he may not even respond, which would throw me into more misery.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses so far, especially your words of comfort about the miscarriage. You don't know how comforting your words have been.

 

My biggest hurdle now will surely be... NO DRUNK CALLING! LOL! (I've been guilty of that a few times.)

[Spiritofnow]

Hey Cron,

 

I am responding to your question regarding whether you should see him face-to-face. My feeling is that it wouldn't be such a good idea to do that. I think it's time for you to break free, and although you obviously do need to purge I think there are healthier ways for you to do that which do not include any real contact with him.

 

I do know how it feels not having the opportunity to express your true feelings over a bad relationship, but with time that need well dissipate. I think you have to stay mindful that putting down your feelings is really about a cathartic process for you in order for you to deal with your internal emotions, so that you can reflect, synthesise and learn whatever it is that you need to learn about this experience--it should not be about trying to show him what a bad person he was to you, or trying to change him. This man will go through life and be who he chooses to be, and the experiences he has WILL have consequences for him. He is probably already a troubled man which is why he behaved this way.

 

Write a letter. Draft an email. Write on here. Whatever it takes that will allow you to let go of those feelings. Talk about it in therapy. Ask to do some role play, and just start saying all the things that you would want to say, it may feel strange to begin with, but as you let go you will find it easier and easier and it will be a good healing process for you.

Do what you need to do for YOU.

 

Remember that healing is your journey.

 

Best wishes.

Edited June 26, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[aerogurl87]

I agree with SpiritofNow don't talk to him, go NC. I talked to my ex about 6-7 months after he left me and I told him off, ended up falling for him again for a bit, then he turned on me again. *sigh* Only good thing about that is it was like the final nail in the coffin to get me to move on once and for all. I do feel sorry for his girlfriend though cause he's emotionally cheating on her and she has no clue. Anyway, just write here how you feel if you must, keep a journal, vent to friends or a therapist. Just don't talk to him.