Whats wrong here? Torn between two women....

[theAman]

I'm going to take a very complicated story and try to shorten it up.....

 

I split with my girlfriend of 4 years last August. As soon as I found out she was dating someone in March of this year, I went absolutely insane. I couldn't function.....so I spent the next two months trying to get her back, but didn't....

 

While I was trying to get her back, I started a relationship with another girl, as I didn't think I could rekindle things with my ex.... All was going great until my ex girlfriend decided we should meet. We did. We had a second "friendly" meeting......Boom! Next thing you know, we are back together and I wanted it to be that way!

 

So, I ended things with this poor new girl. She was pretty, young and loved me to death. We were friends before we started a relationship, so we have more than a few months of history.... It was hard for me to do it to her, as she was pretty much living at my house at the time and we were so great together until the second I told her, but I just had to have my ex back. So I did it. It crushed her and I felt so terrible...... I had no communication with her until recently....

 

Here we are two months later.... I just found out the girl I broke up with to get my ex back is dating someone now. It's happening to me again!! I am now going insane and am having thoughts of trying to get her back now, but have not acted on them as yet. I am pretty sure I could get her back but have decided to stop and think 1st......

 

Whats wrong with me? I want to say im just some self absorbed selfish kid who wants all his toys, because I could understand that. ...But the truth is I think I love her. Thats why I cant stand the thought of her with some one else.

 

I feel exactly the same about my current girlfriend as well. What am I going to do?? I love both these woman! What a mess! What do I do???

[nihilanth100]

Sounds like its not your love taking blows when they meet new people but your ego. Obviously its only when your exes find new men that you go "insane". It seems like you want to keep them on a backburner or the toy trunk until you're ready to play with them. It doesn't work like that though.

 

As to what to do, I am not really sure. But its unfair to both women when your heart (or ego) is split between them. I would take time to sit down and really think about why you're acting the way you are, I think you already kinda know though since you mentioned it in the post.

 

Hope this helps.

[theAman]

Like I said, I'm the first to have had the thought that it's just me just reacting like a selfish kid who threw away a toy but wants it back once he seen another kid playing with it. That concept I could grasp and deal with. ....

 

Hey, I'm 39 years old. In the past, I have split with many other girls and remained in contact with them. When they started dating again after, I could have cared less. It's just these two girls in particular....that's the delema. Pretty messed, eh?

[nihilanth100]

Well, you need to find out whats driving your lust for both women. If you truly do love the new girl, then the choice is obvious (careful though, you might not win her back), but that leaves your current gf, do you love her as well? But then its not fair to split your love amongst two girls in such a way imo. Very difficult decisions ahead.

 

This is very confusing because there are so many variables

 

Its the "very complicated story and try to shorten it up" part that leaves me without the details to truly help you. Maybe someone wiser can see the story better.

 

I'm glad you came here to think it completely through!

[monkeymaid]

i say go for door number 3. let them both go till you figure out what the hell is going on. its not fair for either of them and if you actually loved one of them you would not be trying to understaned this.

 

i think you love yourself maybe a little more than you thought and have erred on the side of narcisicm here.

 

...maybe add some details and we can see more of the whole picture

[spiderowl]

Sounds like you have a very bad reaction to loss. If you choose to dump a girl, then you probably don't feel as if you've lost her so much as put her aside for the time being. It's only when she clearly moves on that it brings it home to you that she's not an option any more.

 

You definitely need to work out what is happening here because you are in danger of causing great damage to unsuspecting women. I'd suggest that instead of trying to get back together with the woman (women?) you've cast aside, you just leave it be. Tolerate her going out with others and get used to the feeling. Once you get used to it, you may find you don't desperately want her back at all, that it was an immediate reaction to something but not that you were in love with her.

 

Of course, the unobtainable always seems more desirable than that we can easily have. Are you a very attractive young man, perhaps? Someone who is used to being able to pick and choose and have the final say? If so, you probably haven't felt the shoe on the other foot very often. It will take some getting used to. Accept that not everyone is going to want to be with you or will wait for you if you dump them. Accept that they have a right to happiness too and that they aren't just there for your gratification. When you can leave this woman alone to avoid hurting her, then maybe you'll know something about love.

[theAman]

spiderowl: Your pretty wise. Ya, I might cause some damage to either of these girls if I don't get it together and decide what to do. Thats why I'm here mulling it over. I'm not going to jump in with both feet first and do something I might regret ...

 

I do know that if my ex hadn't approached me after I had started things up with the new girl,I would have never broken things off with her. She was just so damn delightful to be around. I also know I dont want to be without my ex and current girlfriend. She has been 100 percent fantastic since we got back together. So i'm still stuck...hmmm!

 

Am I " very attractive young man, perhaps? Someone who is used to being able to pick and choose and have the final say?"....LOL! Well, I'm 39 but look like im in my 20's, and yes, I have never had a problem getting to know woman. I know that I do portray confidence at the very least......... Your right when you say I'm not often on the receiving end of rejection.

 

In this case however, I do know I could get her back. I just don't want to do it to her if she has a chance to be happy with some one else, especially since I'm not sure if i could part with the girl I'm with now.

 

monkeymaid: your right as well! I do love my self a whole lot, but don't we all? Thats why I'm trying to figure out what will make me happy. I know no one else will. I can spend my life putting others first at my expense, but I think I owe it to myself as we all do to take responsibility for our own happiness. What do you think?

 

nihilanth: Im glad i stopped here to mull it over. I have no resolution, but do value all the input. Gives me something to think about.

[norajane]

I don't think you truly or fully love either of them if you want both of them. Love isn't about wanting. It's about giving.

[sally4sara]

What were the reasons for your break up with your GF of 4 years in the first place? You say you two split, but you don't say why. And 3 quarters of a year went by before you found out she was seeing someone new. Did you miss her much before then?

[theAman]

Well norajane, I have to say it..., in some cultures men have multiple wives. I'm going to assume they are capable of loving more than one, so I am going to guess I could too. However, here in Canada that doesn't fly nor is that my thing. I understand I need to make a choice.

sally4sara, I broke things off with my g/f of four years as she had been changing over the last year we were together. See seemed to be taking me for granted and didn't seem to want to do things for me anymore (not that I wanted her to do things for me, it's just the fact that she didn't seem to want to is what hurt, as I was always so happy to do things for her). In a nut shell, I just wasn't feeling very loved........ We discussed this before we got back together. She admitted she was wrong.

 

Today, she is very much back to her old self these days! I couldn't ask for a more attentive partner (much like the other girl...UHG!).

 

Between the 3/4 of a year we were split up, we were "hooking up" from time to time. It was like we were still together with out the pressures of a relationship in some strange way. I had been hoping we could use this stress free time to slowly put things back together. Tunes out she was thinking the same as well. However, because we never communicated how we both felt about what was going on, she assumed we had stalled out and I was just getting the benefit of her with out commitment. So she thought that she should move on. She changed her mind in the end once she knew the truth about how I felt. Thats how we got back together

[GrayClouds]

 

monkeymaid: your right as well! I do love my self a whole lot, but don't we all? Thats why I'm trying to figure out what will make me happy. I know no one else will. I can spend my life putting others first at my expense, but I think I owe it to myself as we all do to take responsibility for our own happiness. What do you think?

 

I think he meant it as Ego self love rather then self-esteem love.

 

Ego is selfish, Ego needs constant external approval, Ego pursues at the expense of hurting others, Ego puts short term gratification over long term happiness.

 

Self Esteem oppositely understand hurting others does hurt oneself specially done for selfish reasons. Self Esteem is internally driven for approval, Self Esteem delays gratification. Self Esteem know what offer a person happiness in life.

 

And I think he is suggesting to find the courage to worry less about the women and using them to feed EGO and spend some time on yourself and building your Self Esteem.

 

What do you think?

 

 

.

[theAman]

GrayClouds, i appreciate what your saying and like I said in not so many words, I really wish this was the case. I'm a pretty reasonable guy and could grasp that I'm just being selfish, or insecure or something like that, but to be honest........this isn't the case.

 

I seriously worry and care about both these girls. Thats why I'm apprehensive to re introduce my self to the girl I broke up with. I don't want to hurt her, or the one I'm with by splitting with her again. I'm not looking for some one to justify how I feel or what I will do. I just know I have to decide one way or the other. Bouncing my dilemma off this forum I thought might help is all, as this one i'm keeping in the bag away from my friends, as I know each person who knows them/me will have some sort of bias.

[GrayClouds]

GrayClouds, i appreciate what your saying and like I said in not so many words, I really wish this was the case. I'm a pretty reasonable guy and could grasp that I'm just being selfish, or insecure or something like that, but to be honest........this isn't the case.

 

I seriously worry and care about both these girls. Thats why I'm apprehensive to re introduce my self to the girl I broke up with. I don't want to hurt her, or the one I'm with by splitting with her again. I'm not looking for some one to justify how I feel or what I will do. I just know I have to decide one way or the other. Bouncing my dilemma off this forum I thought might help is all, as this one i'm keeping in the bag away from my friends, as I know each person who knows them/me will have some sort of bias.

 

Do they know about each other?

[theAman]

They sure do know about each other.

[Ilovecake]

You're definitely not in love with either women because you're too self absorbed to care about their best interest. You will never have a healthy relationship until you learn a little compassion for other peoples feeling.

[theAman]

I truly wish I could agree with Ilovecake. That way I could take the easy way out and just call it a day with both of them. If it were only so black and white. If it were only as simple as me being too self absorbed I could handle that.

[GrayClouds]

GrayClouds, i appreciate what your saying and like I said in not so many words, I really wish this was the case. I'm a pretty reasonable guy and could grasp that I'm just being selfish, or insecure or something like that, but to be honest........this isn't the case.

 

I seriously worry and care about both these girls.

 

UTTER BS

 

Selfish it is in this case, and while you are trying to rationalize it by saying you care for the girls that once again the childish EGO driving you. (re-read every response you have to each poster's advice, you are full of it.... and be it I most mean rationalization. Essentially everyone here has said the same thing but you have argued with each one, why are you so closed to the idea you may be wrong? )

 

This quote only proves it

 

While I was trying to get her back, I started a relationship with another girl, as I didn't think I could rekindle things with my ex.

 

Ego tries to replace one person with other because it can not handle being alone, Self Esteem allow itself time to heal learn from the last break-up before entering into another.

 

Do the really selfless thing, walk away from both and spend some time on yourself.

Edited July 6, 2010 by GrayClouds

[theAman]

Geyclouds, I love the kick in the pants you are trying to give me. I have been trying to tell myself exactly what you are saying.Trust me! I am sure I would make the same analysis if I was to be on the listening end. But being me, I understand all things here are not so cut and dried.

 

Yes, I tried to move on and took the steps to do so, as I thought there was no resolution to be had with my ex. Then I broke it off and went back with her when I found It was repairable.

 

At the time I did it as i analyzed out time together and how I felt about her. I weighed in the length of our relationship and other factors to come to the decision I did. I thought with my head taking all the paper facts like you are. I now realize facts are not feelings........ I cant just Sigmund Freud this one and shelf it. Im too old for this kind of nonsense, but also understand I need to do the right thing for me. Am I arguing with everyone?..... Again, not so cut and dried.....Not really. Im hearing all points and inserting the "what if's" attached to them. Because what I am trying to do is decide what to do. If you were to have made a comment opposite of what you have said so far, I would have thrown in and opposing "what if" scenario as well. But no one has approached that angle so far....

 

See? thats what i am trying to do here. Come to an open minded conclusion as to what to do. All opinions are welcome, but I think judgments should be omitted.

 

facts are I love both these girls. Is it selfish of me? Sure it is. I understand that. Thats not my issue. My dilemma is who I am going to disappoint in the end. If i din't care , I guess it wouldnt be factor.

[norajane]

My dilemma is who I am going to disappoint in the end.

 

The girl who is now dating someone else won't be disappointed if you leave her alone. She's moved on to someone else. She is with him now and isn't thinking about you.

 

The woman you are dating now won't be disappointed if you don't dump her for someone else.

 

The woman you are dating now will be disappointed to find out she doesn't have your undivided attention and you are pining for someone else.

 

You will be disappointed no matter what you do.

[theAman]

Norajane, that's the most intelligent thing I have never thought of in all this. You are 100 percent on the money. Why didn't I see that?

[theAman]

In fact Norajane, I think i was saying what you are all along but never strung it all together. You're a genius!

Unfortunantly, I need to let the other girl who is dating some one go. She has told me she would get back with me in a second if i was available again, but I see if she says put, she at least has something good in her life. As well, I wont disappoint the girl im with.

Yea, I'm not happy but i need to make a decision and this is the only one that makes sense. Thanks again

[Mimolicious]

I think you see these chicks "property" and not as human beings that are NOT committed to you. Let's be real...

 

You should honestly be alone and get some couseling.

 

You have territorial issues and you should def address them before they become a part of who you are.

[theAman]

Maybe so Mimolicious, but who doesn't see people they are involved with as "property", as in they belong to you? Isnt' that how love works?.....

 

Yes! I do have territorial issues! In this case It's because I care about them both! A man can have two children and love them both equally, so why is such a far stretch for every one to believe a man could love two woman also?

 

Matters not, because I know what I have to do now...thanks again for opening my eyes to what I should have known all along norajane!

[sally4sara]

I broke things off with my g/f of four years as she had been changing over the last year we were together. See seemed to be taking me for granted and didn't seem to want to do things for me anymore (not that I wanted her to do things for me, it's just the fact that she didn't seem to want to is what hurt, as I was always so happy to do things for her). In a nut shell, I just wasn't feeling very loved........ We discussed this before we got back together. She admitted she was wrong.

 

Today, she is very much back to her old self these days! I couldn't ask for a more attentive partner (much like the other girl...UHG!).

 

Between the 3/4 of a year we were split up, we were "hooking up" from time to time. It was like we were still together with out the pressures of a relationship in some strange way. I had been hoping we could use this stress free time to slowly put things back together. Tunes out she was thinking the same as well. However, because we never communicated how we both felt about what was going on, she assumed we had stalled out and I was just getting the benefit of her with out commitment. So she thought that she should move on. She changed her mind in the end once she knew the truth about how I felt. Thats how we got back together

 

Were you hooking up your ex while dating the other girl?

 

If not, it doesn't sound like you were with the new girl long enough to really be able to say you loved her. It sounds more like she was your source for what you felt was lacking in you 4 year relationship prior to meeting her. I guess what I'm saying is you were still loving your GF; she just had a different face and name. So maybe you are not really wanting her back, you're just still wanting the qualities your GF is now able to show you once again? Now that you are getting those needs met, let the stand in girl go her way and find someone who will love who she is and not who she reminds them of.

[CailinPig]

theAman: oh my God, GO OUT WITH ME!! hahahahha! I feel so sorry for you, and why? Because I am the female version of you, and this has happened to me several times.

 

To everyone else - it's very easy to say it's cos he loves himself too much and all that, but in reality, it's nearly impossible to change your feelings. If you feel depressed over something, little can change that. If you lust after someone, little can change that. If you fall head over heels for someone, little can change that. And that's his problem - when his ex's get with other people, he literally falls in love with them again and desperately wants them back. He can't help it, it just happens.

 

Solution: i don't know, dude. Personally, I say stick with the girl of 4 years - here is someone who you know well, who you trusted, who knows you inside out. Whatever decision you make, stay as far away from the other girl as possible, break contact and don't remind yourself of her, and lastly, focus on the person you have.