SidLyon Posted August 6, 2010 Share Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) I posted in the past about how 16 months ago (which was 6 months after d-day), I went to the OW's workplace to return various gifts to her and to see what she was like. I had never met her before and have not met her since. On that day I noticed her talking to a man there that I later discovered was a senior manager. At the time I felt there was something "intimate" about the way they were interacting and I even said something about it to my H when I told him about the visit. She had a history of affairs with senior managers and her supervisors. Since my H first encountered her 9 years ago she has had 7 different workplaces and affairs with at least 5 men - all from work! Well today I discovered that she is in a relationship with that same man that I saw her with 16 months ago - doncha just love Facebook holiday snaps. I'm assuming he is single now, even if he wasn't then. Strangely I feel almost a sense of relief but at the same time I can see how illogical that is. It seemed to make no difference to her in the past, so why do I feel better about it that she is in now in a real/open relationship again? My H knows I snoop on F/B but never wants to know what I'm up to. Do you think I should tell my H about it - maybe show him the photos? I have no damaging secrets from him any more. One positive thing about d-day is that I spilled the beans on all my own secrets, which I found amazingly liberating. If I tell him he probably won't comment except to say something like "I'm glad she's moved on." I don't think he will be hurt or 'triggered' but he might think badly of me if I seem to be lording it over him. If this had happened a year ago I would have also felt very tempted to tell the boyfriend about her. Now obviously I've thought about it, as I've just mentioned it. I'm pleased for myself that I don't feel a strong urge to do it. It's more one of those revenge fantasies that never eventuate. Edited August 6, 2010 by SidLyon Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted August 6, 2010 Share Posted August 6, 2010 What would you hope to get out of telling your H? But maybe more importantly what do you get out of 'watching' her on FB? These aren't snide questions, I could make an educated guess as to the answers, but it'd still be only a guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted August 6, 2010 Author Share Posted August 6, 2010 What would you hope to get out of telling your H? But maybe more importantly what do you get out of 'watching' her on FB? These aren't snide questions, I could make an educated guess as to the answers, but it'd still be only a guess. Re: telling my H - it's more a matter of whether I ought to tell him because we have made undertakings about honesty to each other. There is a fear for me that I might see that he is hurt that she has moved on. On d-day my H told me that "I never intended to leave you, but she is still the biggest threat to our marriage". So seeing what she is up to, has been more about keeping myself satisfied there is NC. Also I wanted to see if my intuition about this guy from her work was accurate. Prior to d-day I always thought I had great intuition, but that took a real blow when I was totally blindsided by his A. I still haven't had a chance to tell him. It is early Saturday morning here and we are about to go out to breakfast as we often do on the weekend. I had been hoping for some overnight advice from LS about how to broach it. I'd be interested in your educated guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 I hope I catch you before you head out to breakfast! No, I wouldn't say anything about it at all to your H. While I understand your renewed agreement of honesty with each other, why bring it up? IMO, every time you mention the OW to your H, it's bringing her back into your marriage. I don't think you want that, do you? Leave her and discussions of her in the past, where it all belongs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted August 7, 2010 Author Share Posted August 7, 2010 I hope I catch you before you head out to breakfast! No, I wouldn't say anything about it at all to your H. While I understand your renewed agreement of honesty with each other, why bring it up? IMO, every time you mention the OW to your H, it's bringing her back into your marriage. I don't think you want that, do you? Leave her and discussions of her in the past, where it all belongs. I am back from breakfast. I didn't mention it. In one sense I already told him I thought the OW and her manager were "an item" because of my brief observations on the day I went to their work. It was probably that which prompted him to tell me that this was normal for her at her workplaces (I don't actually remember). There is not really any additional information other than that they are still together and happened to all go on holiday together and put photos of the holiday on F/B. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 There's no point in telling him. At all. Nothing good will come of out. For you, for him .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted August 7, 2010 Author Share Posted August 7, 2010 There's no point in telling him. At all. Nothing good will come of out. For you, for him .. The urge to tell him is disappearing now... It all seemed so "new" yesterday. If the topic ever arises in another context, (which is unlikely unless somebody else mentions or we run into them or something), and it seems appropriate then I might mention it then, that they seem to be together. Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 Ok, forgive me if I dig a little further. You say "There is a fear for me that I might see that he is hurt that she has moved on." Do you feel you need to test to find out if he still has feelings for her? I'm not sure of your background or the history to this, but I do know that like every trauma, there's a process to coming to terms with it. What you've said here makes me feel you're just going through that process. I'm glad the urge to talk about her has dissipated. I mean really, who gives a FF? If your H does, then frankly you're better off without him, but you need to demonstrate you are the only person worth considering as far as he's concerned and thinking about her yourself, won't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted August 7, 2010 Author Share Posted August 7, 2010 Ok, forgive me if I dig a little further. You say "There is a fear for me that I might see that he is hurt that she has moved on." Do you feel you need to test to find out if he still has feelings for her? I'm not sure of your background or the history to this, but I do know that like every trauma, there's a process to coming to terms with it. What you've said here makes me feel you're just going through that process. I'm glad the urge to talk about her has dissipated. I mean really, who gives a FF? If your H does, then frankly you're better off without him, but you need to demonstrate you are the only person worth considering as far as he's concerned and thinking about her yourself, won't do that. I don't believe he still has strong feelings for her but as you've said we are both still in a process of coming to terms with what has happened. I am not sure I would describe it as "just" a process, but it is a process and after nearly 2 years we are a good way through the process. We have been doing so well at rebuilding our relationship into a new one. After d-day the bad elements of the old one had to be discarded in order to move forward. It's been a very strange process to rebuild our friendship, intimacy and love form the rock-bottom it reached at d-day. On the one hand it's been wonderful to rediscover what it is we enjoy and love about each other; but also awful that it came out of the trauma of an affair. While doing this we didn't have to worry about things like getting to know each other's family, having gorgeous children, financial stability, a nice house together and good jobs as we already have them. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 On d-day my H told me that "I never intended to leave you, but she is still the biggest threat to our marriage". I respect your husband for being this honest on Dday. I believe this is the truth for many extramarital affairs, but I never heard of any WS expressing it as clearly and honestly as your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 I don't believe he still has strong feelings for her but as you've said we are both still in a process of coming to terms with what has happened. I am not sure I would describe it as "just" a process, but it is a process and after nearly 2 years we are a good way through the process. I don't think I described it as 'just' a process, I said I thought you were 'just going through a process' - entirely different. Don't forget that I'm also a BS with a far more traumatic experience than most BS will, hopefully, ever have. We have been doing so well at rebuilding our relationship into a new one. After d-day the bad elements of the old one had to be discarded in order to move forward. It's been a very strange process to rebuild our friendship, intimacy and love form the rock-bottom it reached at d-day. On the one hand it's been wonderful to rediscover what it is we enjoy and love about each other; but also awful that it came out of the trauma of an affair. While doing this we didn't have to worry about things like getting to know each other's family, having gorgeous children, financial stability, a nice house together and good jobs as we already have them. So why would you allow an OW to get any airtime even in your head? Any 'use' she had is over, you no longer need any part of her to remind either of you to work at your marriage. Not even her FB page. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 I don't believe he still has strong feelings for her but as you've said we are both still in a process of coming to terms with what has happened. I am not sure I would describe it as "just" a process, but it is a process and after nearly 2 years we are a good way through the process. We have been doing so well at rebuilding our relationship into a new one. After d-day the bad elements of the old one had to be discarded in order to move forward. It's been a very strange process to rebuild our friendship, intimacy and love form the rock-bottom it reached at d-day. On the one hand it's been wonderful to rediscover what it is we enjoy and love about each other; but also awful that it came out of the trauma of an affair. While doing this we didn't have to worry about things like getting to know each other's family, having gorgeous children, financial stability, a nice house together and good jobs as we already have them. Here is what I think as a fBS.... You knew or suspected you H got involved with a real maneater, a Dragon Lady...one who loves to "win" MM away from their wives, MM in senior positions. Ugh! They are out there. It is less about falling in love than winning, and that is a childhood dynamic that she will play out over and over again because she needs empowerment. You were right. You were validated by her FB pics. She has won her new MM trophy. So, what to do? Process the information. Protect your marriage. Realize for HER, it was less about your H than needing another conquest, another notch in her belt. And that is really, really sad, especially if your H thought he was truly "special" to her during the affair. But, it could also feel good to know the affair had little to do with your love and you. He just came up against a force of seduction and flattery that ran him over like a mack truck. If there is any conversation to be had, it may be what steps you both take to prevent this from happening again. What boundaries to ensure no one succumbs to the intense flattery and admiration of a maneater, or Don Juan. Cause they are out there. And if it is mentioned in passing, well, fine. Another MM? And another and another? That's a pattern of behavior that speaks to a dangerous, but sad pathology. Sheesh. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 Sid, I think it is natural that you are curious about her from time to time - so as to check her facebook - But it still keeps you from going forward with You .. with you and hubby. So I wouldn't mention it to him, unless it were to come up in another conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted August 7, 2010 Author Share Posted August 7, 2010 Thanks for your comments everyone. Turnstone: I read a small part of your story - it's not dissimilar to mine. Multiple infidelity over many years but only one main OW lasting (on and off) for nearly 7 years. Throw in a child born to the OW during the A (with 3 possible fathers), the death of the OW's husband, followed by the very similar death of my brother-in-law (both aged mid 40s), accompanied by my H going off the rails, and a traumatic d-day less than a week after my BIL's funeral. Are you still with your H? From your other posts you give the impression that you are one who was able to put the OW out of your mind and pay her no more attention. Hats off to you for that. I wasn't like that though. To me it felt like a had to keep an eye on her. What's that old expression? Something like "know your enemy" or "keep your enemies closer than your Friends". Not that I did that literally. Anyway I cannot help but feel a sense of relief that her focus is now on another guy. But still surprises me that I feel this way. I hope I can finally let her go now. Spark - your description sounds like such a horrible person. Problem is she presents as a very sweet woman - with a lisp even. And of course she was a poor grieving widow after her H's death. Yet she sent an e-mail to my H, saying how she'd been propositioned by 10 (! yes 10!) men, and had a choice between them, in the 5 months after his death. The e-mail was a sort of "what do you have to offer me if you're staying married" kind of e-mail. Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted August 8, 2010 Share Posted August 8, 2010 Thanks for your comments everyone. Turnstone: I read a small part of your story - it's not dissimilar to mine. Multiple infidelity over many years but only one main OW lasting (on and off) for nearly 7 years. Throw in a child born to the OW during the A (with 3 possible fathers), the death of the OW's husband, followed by the very similar death of my brother-in-law (both aged mid 40s), accompanied by my H going off the rails, and a traumatic d-day less than a week after my BIL's funeral. Are you still with your H? Nonononononono! I left the country to get away from him and paid way too much to get a fast divorce. Eventually there was no way I could contemplate being with a man who had treated me with such complete disregard. I felt for a while that there must be something wrong with me that I was the one that needed fixing, but I'm fortunate enough to have good self-esteem and I woke up one day knowing that the marriage just wasn't good enough for me. From your other posts you give the impression that you are one who was able to put the OW out of your mind and pay her no more attention. Hats off to you for that. I wasn't like that though. To me it felt like a had to keep an eye on her. What's that old expression? Something like "know your enemy" or "keep your enemies closer than your Friends". Not that I did that literally. Anyway I cannot help but feel a sense of relief that her focus is now on another guy. But still surprises me that I feel this way. I hope I can finally let her go now. Oh I can see that need and I fully understand it. I guess I was able to put the OW (plural) out of my mind because I didn't want any part of my exH. I didn't need to keep an eye on anyone to check they weren't doing me any more wrong. However, don't let me mislead you, I wanted to scrape them off the bottom of my shoe with as much pain for them as possible. It was they, after all, that were happy to collude with my exH in giving me the most traumatic time of my life and I wanted to return the favour in spades. Going back to how you currently feel about the OW, as much as I understand your feelings, I still feel it would pay dividends for you to keep in mind what I said before about demonstrating to everyone including yourself, that you're the only person worth focussing on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted August 12, 2010 Author Share Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) I decided in the end to contact the BW © of the new MM (B) that my husband's fOW (OW) is now seeing. Boy did she have a story for me. I hope it all makes sense as we are talking about the OW to my husband who has another man now. The affair between OW and B commenced prior to the death of the BH of OW, and continued afterwards at the same time as my H and OW were still seeing each other. C and B had their d-day only 3 weeks before our own d-day in October 2008! In other words OW went through 2 d-days with 2 different MM and their BWs, in the space of 3 weeks. About 6 weeks after d-day I sent OW an e-mail (the first between us) that probably made it clear that the affair was over from my H's point of view (he'd already sent her 2 NC e-mails) and the day after that B left his wife © for OW! Their family (ie B &C) have 4 children and have literally gone through hell since their d-day. It was unbelievable for me to talk to C and hear of the catastrophic effect on them. She has been unable to work since d-day. They are not divorced and no attempts have been made for custody or property settlement. The OW and B do not live together. I am utterly appalled at OW for her complete disregard of other people in all this. I am starting to think she is truly evil. I also have contempt for B who left his family for her but do wonder if my e-mail sent the day before he left had any impact on this. I ended up contacting B afterwards - he is worse than my own H. I have sent him a string of e-mails (at his request) sent by the OW to my fWH. Oh I also told my H as he needs to know in case he is contacted by either party. C and I intend to meet soon to compare notes. Edited August 12, 2010 by SidLyon Link to post Share on other sites
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