What the hell is wrong with me?

[passionatedchick]

It has been 16 months since I've been married to my wonderful husband. He is the best man there ever was. All the other past boyfriend I've dated in the past were either immature or would keep on talking about marriage and never proposed until Nicholas (my husband) came. He even helped me with my alcoholic problem.

There is nothing missing in the marriage, we both have jobs, a house and want kids later on.

 

Yet I still find other men attractive. I have flirted with a co-worker and one day didn't wear my engagement ring. My husband asked me that day why wasn't I wearing it and I invented an excuse of waking up late. Another thing I've done is told an online guy I was single.

 

No he doesn't deserve this at all. But how do I stop this while craving I'm lately having. It's like I want to screw that co-worker who keeps flirting with me and making moves but I'm resisting. Help me. I don't want to hurt my lovely husband. I love him....

[passionatedchick]

Or can happy people still end up cheating no matter what? Does this happens or I'm I just going crazy?

[witabix]

It has been 16 months since I've been married to my wonderful husband. He is the best man there ever was. All the other past boyfriend I've dated in the past were either immature or would keep on talking about marriage and never proposed until Nicholas (my husband) came. He even helped me with my alcoholic problem.

There is nothing missing in the marriage, we both have jobs, a house and want kids later on.

 

Yet I still find other men attractive. I have flirted with a co-worker and one day didn't wear my engagement ring. My husband asked me that day why wasn't I wearing it and I invented an excuse of waking up late. Another thing I've done is told an online guy I was single.

 

No he doesn't deserve this at all. But how do I stop this while craving I'm lately having. It's like I want to screw that co-worker who keeps flirting with me and making moves but I'm resisting. Help me. I don't want to hurt my lovely husband. I love him....

 

I have a few questions if you don't mind.

 

Is this a repeating pattern from your past, have previous R's been this way for you?

 

Would you consider yourself deceptive?

 

How does it feel to you, in hindsight, to have removed your ring and told someone you were single?

[passionatedchick]

Is this a repeating pattern from your past, have previous R's been this way for you?

I never had this sort of cravings before. This has been happening for the past 3 months now.

Would you consider yourself deceptive?

This is what I'm questioning myself. I keep saying to myself how I'm not capable of cheating but these urges are killing me. It's like they are coming out of no where.

How does it feel to you, in hindsight, to have removed your ring and told someone you were single?

I have to sadly admit that it felt like a thrill and it's that sensation of being in your teens again, someone who just finished high school or is starting college. However, reality comes afterwards so it's short-lived.

[witabix]

So this new, happening only now. You are experiencing an inner conflict with your sense of honesty and your sexual urges. The behaviour resonates with an earlier time.

 

Do you feel you were repressed, or missed some chances to have fun when you were younger? Is it possible that now part of you revels in the long term prospects of your R yet another part fears that your 'exciting' life is over?

 

I am not going to moralise or judge you I just want you to be clear what you are facing. The urges are contradictory to a LTR, and although I know that is not cast in stone, it may help to see this as a set of choices.

 

In its most basic form it seems to be:-

 

A relationship with a man you love vs short term thrills with random men.

 

Either choice is acceptable and carries no stigma IMO.

 

Of course I am sure that it does not feel to you like you are choosing between a chocolate cake and a bag of candy. I do feel that that is precisely what we do. We choose to act on urges, whim, and the wind direction sometimes. When we do we must be prepared to take consequences of our actions, for good or bad.

 

There is also the possibility of the worst possible outcome. You end up heading towards having sex with someone, realise at the last minute that you can't, your SO finds out and you lose on all fronts.

[goodgrief]

Alcoholics in my experience, have a gap, which the alcohol filled.

Now you don't drink.

The hole has reappeared.

 

Passion, excitement and the forbidden fruit of an ilict affair all seem to be so enticing.

 

If you are a sexually passionate person, and you delight in the thrill of a good, stimulating sexual experience, maybe this is the gap-filler you now seek.

 

I don't want to know, really, I'm not prying.

But is your husband really great in bed? Does he float your boat? Hit all the right buttons? come up to your expectations? Does he really do it for you, or are you left wishing it had been different?

You see, you listed a whole load of stuff about how great your marriage is, but you didn't mention the physical side.

I don't want to get rude or basic, or even pry, but could that be a factor?

[Woggle]

Honestly at this point I would just leave him. It is clear at this point you are pretty much not built for a commited relationship so do the decent thing and leave before you rip his heart out.

[Ronni_W]

But how do I stop this

You grow up. You tell yourself that screwing other men is NOT an option, and fantasizing about it is an immature, foolish waste of your mental energy.

You cultivate self-discipline, trustworthiness, integrity. You undertake therapy to find out what is really going on within yourself (to find out what the hell is "wrong" with you, that you'd risk your marriage and your reputation), and you get professional help or join AA to make sure that you have support and guidance for your alcoholic tendencies.

 

It's also that YOU deserve much better from yourself, than acting like some out-of-control, powerless, helpless 13-year old. You are not that. Grow up.

[karnak]

It has been 16 months since I've been married to my wonderful husband. He is the best man there ever was. All the other past boyfriend I've dated in the past were either immature or would keep on talking about marriage and never proposed until Nicholas (my husband) came. He even helped me with my alcoholic problem.

There is nothing missing in the marriage, we both have jobs, a house and want kids later on.

 

Yet I still find other men attractive. I have flirted with a co-worker and one day didn't wear my engagement ring. My husband asked me that day why wasn't I wearing it and I invented an excuse of waking up late. Another thing I've done is told an online guy I was single.

 

No he doesn't deserve this at all. But how do I stop this while craving I'm lately having. It's like I want to screw that co-worker who keeps flirting with me and making moves but I'm resisting. Help me. I don't want to hurt my lovely husband. I love him....

 

You have severe emotional issues. And you have to deal with them. Because, at this stage, you're not ready for a commited relationship.

 

I suspect you married on a sort of impulse, without really considering what you were getting into.

[BookerT]

You grow up. You tell yourself that screwing other men is NOT an option, and fantasizing about it is an immature, foolish waste of your mental energy.

You cultivate self-discipline, trustworthiness, integrity. You undertake therapy to find out what is really going on within yourself (to find out what the hell is "wrong" with you, that you'd risk your marriage and your reputation), and you get professional help or join AA to make sure that you have support and guidance for your alcoholic tendencies.

 

It's also that YOU deserve much better from yourself, than acting like some out-of-control, powerless, helpless 13-year old. You are not that. Grow up.

 

Well said...........

 

Pretty much applies to any urges a person has. If we don't control ourselves we'll be like animals.

[Distant78]

She's already involved in an EA. Even if the sex is average, or bad, should that be a reason to step outside of the marriage? If something is wrong with the physical side, obviously she should've worked on it. No matter how good a relationship is, a cheater will still stray. She's only been married to this guy for 16 months and she's thinking of engaging in congress with another already? Sounds similar to something I went through. She should tell her husband and let him decide if he wants her or not, and she should get some IC.

[Bryanp]

Try to imagine that you did have an affair and your husband found out. Imagine your husband divorcing you and later finding another woman to live his life with and being happy. Imagine yourself alone with just a bottle. The choice is yours. Good luck.

[goodgrief]

:laugh:

 

Yes, like everybody crumbles into dust and crawls into a bottle when things go wrong.

 

That's a ridiculous hypothesis and you know it.

 

 

How about she has an affair, her husband divorces her, he finds another woman, she finds another man, and both get on with their lives separately?

 

Why is that so unbelievable? it's by far the more usual scenario...

[Bryanp]

It is not a ridiculous hypothesis. Did you even read her post? Her husband has helped her with her drinking problem and she has relied on him for his love and assistance in battling this problem. The chances are pretty good that she would more than likely fall back into that position since she had not previously found anyone to help her like her husband has done if he divorced and left her.

[InceptorsRule]

What the hell is wrong with me?

 

 

Nothing at all, you're a completely typical female.

[goodgrief]

It is not a ridiculous hypothesis. Did you even read her post? Her husband has helped her with her drinking problem and she has relied on him for his love and assistance in battling this problem. The chances are pretty good that she would more than likely fall back into that position since she had not previously found anyone to help her like her husband has done if he divorced and left her.

 

Ok.

I grant you, you have a point, and I take it....

 

Nothing at all, you're a completely typical female.

 

Whereas you most certainly don't. But you are such a typical male, if you believe that.

[InceptorsRule]

Ok.

I grant you, you have a point, and I take it....

 

 

 

Whereas you most certainly don't. But you are such a typical male, if you believe that.

 

 

In what manner do you believe the OP is not a typical female?

 

Please stop with personal attacks just because you disagree with my opinion and explain your reasoning based on the facts that the OP has presented about her situation.

[goodgrief]

In what manner do you believe the OP is not a typical female?

 

.... explain your reasoning based on the facts that the OP has presented about her situation.

 

The key words are "Her situation".

How is it that it's Her Situation' but she's acting like a 'typical female'?

not all females act like this.

It is NOT typical female behaviour.

And it wasn't a personal attack. It was a comment designed to illustrate that your comment is probably not in the slightest bit typical.

I don't believe every male believes as you do, so your opinion is not that of a typical male.

 

If you have had constant experience of females in your life acting in this typical way - then maybe you need to examine your people-picker.

 

That's all I am saying.

Clubbing all apples in one barrel and saying they're all the same, is neither accurate not constructive, really, I find.

[InceptorsRule]

The key words are "Her situation".

How is it that it's Her Situation' but she's acting like a 'typical female'?

not all females act like this.

 

"typical" is not the same as "all"

 

 

 

 

 

It is NOT typical female behaviour.

 

How is it NOT typical female behavior?

 

 

And it wasn't a personal attack. It was a comment designed to illustrate that your comment is probably not in the slightest bit typical.

 

Yes it was an ad hominem attack by you, because you directed your criticism to me, rather than providing evidence to rebut my point or to support your point, which is that you do not believe OP's behavior is "typical female behavior."

 

 

I don't believe every male believes as you do, so your opinion is not that of a typical male.

 

Once again you erroneously have equated "all/every" with "typical."

 

 

 

If you have had constant experience of females in your life acting in this typical way - then maybe you need to examine your people-picker.

 

You still haven't explained how you believe OP's behavior is not "typical."

 

 

That's all I am saying.

Clubbing all apples in one barrel and saying they're all the same, is neither accurate not constructive, really, I find.

 

Since I didn't do that, your comment is irrelevant.

[goodgrief]

Ok.

 

I'll just do what I normally do in situations of disagreement or when I can't see eye to eye with someone.

 

We'll leave it at that.

[InceptorsRule]

Ok.

 

I'll just do what I normally do in situations of disagreement or when I can't see eye to eye with someone.

 

We'll leave it at that.

 

Interesting you "left it at that" given you made the following post in another thread today also:

 

I'm always amazed that people firmly believe that sex with just one member of the human race will be satisfying, for ever.

If you have yearnings, break up with your girlfriend, and have the honesty and decency to tell her why. Or stay with your girlfriend, and remain sexually faithful to her for as long as your relationship lasts.

I think you'll find that these are your two only options, unless she's into open relationships, which would make you a lucky man. Of course, that would mean that she can bosh other fellahs too....

 

 

According to you, the OP's husband in this thread should consider himself a "lucky man."

[goodgrief]

Interesting you "left it at that" given you made the following post in another thread today also:

 

I'm always amazed that people firmly believe that sex with just one member of the human race will be satisfying, for ever.

If you have yearnings, break up with your girlfriend, and have the honesty and decency to tell her why. Or stay with your girlfriend, and remain sexually faithful to her for as long as your relationship lasts.

I think you'll find that these are your two only options, unless she's into open relationships, which would make you a lucky man. Of course, that would mean that she can bosh other fellahs too...

 

 

According to you, the OP's husband in this thread should consider himself a "lucky man."

No, he should consider himself a lucky man, ONLY if he is complicit in her infidelity, knows about it, and feels it's ok. Which would also give him carte blanche to also have a sexual relationship outside the marriage. Otherwise, she should divorce him, and not cheat, or stay with him, ditch the OM and work on her relationship.

 

Read it properly......

[jnj express]

You haven't even been married a year and a half and you already want to start screwing around on your H.

 

I hope you have some brains, and maturity, at least enuff to know what is right and what is wrong.

 

Mge., is very hard work, and if you are not gonna destroy your spouse, and children, if you make it that far.----You don't **** around on your H.---point blank end of discussion---If you CAN'T do that, then file for divorce, where you will be free and you can **** a different guy every night for the rest of your life, and no one will care

[jenifer1972]

I think Good Grief has made a very interesting point that alcohol used to fill something in your life. It is now gone. There usually is some kind of a hole left that it was filling. It likely was some desire for something exciting, novel.

 

You also might want to take a look at the book Mating in Captivity. It deals with issues of keeping passion alive in long term relationships.

 

On a side note, I wish people wouldn't throw around such simplistic stuff like typical woman, typical guy. You don't have to be a genius to see that both sexes cheat, both sexes are tempted. It is related to being a fallible HUMAN, not being one sex or the other. Grow up!

[You Go Girl]

First, you're an alcoholic. That tells me loads right there.

Alcohol is not the problem. Alcohol just helped you avoid confronting your problems.

You have stopped drinking, now the REAL WORK has to begin.

 

It seems you fall into the "thrill seeking" category of alcoholics.

This points to some empty place inside you that you can't seem to fill with being satisfied with a successful life. It isn't enough for you. You dream there is always more.

There isn't anymore, not that kind of more. There is only self-esteem and pride from having done a good job in this life, accomplished things, and treated others right.

But there is no thrill ever that is going to quench this thirst for desiring to play outside the rules.

You have two choices in life. Play within the rules, and possibly win the game. Or, play outside the rules, mess up, and do it again, and again, and again, and again.

It's up to you. Take yourself and others seriously, or mess up and lose it all.

Spoken from one who has been with someone like you, and now it's over.