let me play a violin for the cheater

[Dexter Morgan]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

[2themoon&back]

I am glad you took my advice, and I am happy to post a response for you...

 

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

I do not think it is a crime to call it like you see it-- no crime -- no foul, all fair.

 

You are assuming they do not know all this information already about their actions, some may not care and some do, but most do not go to a forum like the OM/OW to hear about all of that, they are there to heal themselves --not the whole situation.

 

And this may seem foreign to you but they too are in REAL PAIN or ANGUISH over all aspects of their situation.

 

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.[/Quote]

 

I never have and never will claim offense to you comments or your truths, they are not important enough for me to take offense to them.

 

I take your words for what they are, just the way you see it, black and white and this is not offensive.

 

This is YOUR truth-- it may not be THE truth!!

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

 

Again, I personally do not take any offense to your comments, reason stated above. I do not need you to be sympathetic to me or my damaging behavior, to myself as well as others, but once you have said what you need to say move on, after that it becomes redundant.

 

What I would like --is to know what is the point in putting all this truth into WORDS for the OM/OW, there is no hope for them in your eyes to be reformed or change their ways because they are cheaters for life, so why do you spend so much energy telling them about their wrong doings?

 

Your words from another post:

 

....I think all cheaters need to be wrapped in cellophane with a picture of their victims at their side to see just before they are snuffed!

 

see no hope for cheaters...

 

And I am not sure all BS’s are victims, or appreciate being called victims, some of them are survivors.

 

With that said anyone can be a victim until they change things for their self, so are you saying anyone that chooses to stay with a cheater—chooses to stay a victim?

 

I guess I will close on this note:

 

As much I strongly disagree with your opinions most all of the time, I do respect them and I do think you have a way with words that is valuable in all forums, you have helped me to see that I can stay open minded and remember I am human and make mistakes and hurt people, and am forgivable, as long as you are not the only judge.

 

 

So thank you for your input and your thread, no violins for me please I perfer the bass.

[NoIDidn't]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

 

Got one of those special "notes" for telling someone "the truth"?

[Woman In Blue]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

Funny how that works, isn't it?

 

Every person involved in an affair makes a series of CHOICES in order to GET there. It doesn't just happen by osmosis. I've lost count of the times I've read, "it just happened!!"

 

No, it DIDN'T just happen. You made an active CHOICE to allow it to happen, and did many things along the way to nurture it in order to make it a reality.

 

I have zero compassion for those people who post on message boards crying about their 'heartbreak' brought on by an affair - an affair THEY CHOSE to engage in - every step of the way. And when others won't cry along with them because it went down in flames (gee, who couldn't have predicted THAT???) we're mean and heartless.

 

Whatever. If I CHOOSE to drive drunk, then I deserve whatever happens to me. If you CHOOSE to engage in risky, unprotected sex, then you deserve the consequences. If you CHOOSE to actively be in an affair with a married person, then you deserve whatever comes your way.

 

ACCOUNTABILITY, folks. Learn the word.

[desertIslandCactus]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

 

They think their 'special' relationship IS thee One .. the statistic that slips through the cracks..

 

(It's got to be right because of the great love attraction and the M hasn't been good .. spouse is a bitch and does't put out) ..

[desertIslandCactus]

Got one of those special "notes" for telling someone "the truth"?

 

no pitcher

[thomasb]

WIB said, 'I have zero compassion for those people who post on message boards crying about their 'heartbreak' brought on by an affair - an affair THEY CHOSE to engage in - every step of the way. And when others won't cry along with them because it went down in flames (gee, who couldn't have predicted THAT???) we're mean and heartless.'

 

The only heartbreak that I feel like crying over because of my affair is that which my actions caused my wife to feel. I can't imagine the WS's who feel they have the right to mope around bemoaning their fate.

[desertIslandCactus]

WIB said, 'I have zero compassion for those people who post on message boards crying about their 'heartbreak' brought on by an affair - an affair THEY CHOSE to engage in - every step of the way. And when others won't cry along with them because it went down in flames (gee, who couldn't have predicted THAT???) we're mean and heartless.'

 

The only heartbreak that I feel like crying over because of my affair is that which my actions caused my wife to feel. I can't imagine the WS's who feel they have the right to mope around bemoaning their fate.

 

I honestly feel the BS's go through more hell, and are braver than the third person in the R.

[Snowflower]

The only heartbreak that I feel like crying over because of my affair is that which my actions caused my wife to feel. I can't imagine the WS's who feel they have the right to mope around bemoaning their fate.

 

thomasb, I hope you will continue to stick around on these boards. You add a good balance in perspectives. I look forward to reading your posts.

 

As for the topic of this thread, I agree that it is a funny double-standard. But, I suppose that this board is the only place for some posters to vent about their situation. It's not like most people walk around IRL saying, "I'm heartbroken over my MM or my WS who dumped me."

[thomasb]

thomasb, I hope you will continue to stick around on these boards. You add a good balance in perspectives. I look forward to reading your posts.

 

As for the topic of this thread, I agree that it is a funny double-standard. But, I suppose that this board is the only place for some posters to vent about their situation. It's not like most people walk around IRL saying, "I'm heartbroken over my MM or my WS who dumped me."

 

 

Thank you, Snowflower. I think a lot of WS's feel the same as I do. They are just to sickened by their previous behavior to wish to write about it. It's been enough years for me to try.

[East7]

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

 

As the question is directed to OM/OW, I'm willing to give my POV.

 

First of all people don't choose who they fall in love with. I know it sounds silly to get involved with someone who is not available but it happens in a way that you loose control of your judgment and cool reasoning. It always starts with emotional involvement and it goes on physical too. Once you are in, you are blinded with passion and you don't think about the situation.

 

The WS role is crucial in the sense that as long as the WS shows love and attachment, the WS "validates" the actions of both, not to mention the WS who complain or say they don't love their spouses anymore which is another confirmation in OM's mind that he is not breaking a relationship which is already broken.

 

In OM's mind, he deserves this woman as she has emotionally chosen him upon her husband (whether it is true or not). A woman who cheats, has emotionally dumped her H even if she goes on living with him married.

 

All this perspective, VALIDATION (of his actions) and emotional comfort, lead the OM to think that he is not doing something wrong, that he can have this woman in his life and share his life with her (talking about single OMs)

 

I know that for you a "good" OM would tell the WS : "Look, I love you but you are doing something wrong to your H. Go back to him and don't contact me again" but the world we live in is not so perfect. People put their feelings and needs upon someone else's needs, especially if they are comforted in their actions.

 

Bottom-line, not the OM, nor the A would exist unless WS validation.

 

Most of OM/OW who come on the board to get support, is because their pain is real and they have not used the MW/MM for fun but because they were truly in love and had the illusion of a happy ending. If it was for fun, no one would waste his time to get support once the A ended.

 

Personally, I am not looking for the BSs empathy towards my experience but I understand the pain and the resentment of any BS.

[thomasb]

As the question is directed to OM/OW, I'm willing to give my POV.

 

First of all people don't choose who they fall in love with. I know it sounds silly to get involved with someone who is not available but it happens in a way that you loose control of your judgment and cool reasoning. It always starts with emotional involvement and it goes on physical too. Once you are in, you are blinded with passion and you don't think about the situation.

 

The WS role is crucial in the sense that as long as the WS shows love and attachment, the WS "validates" the actions of both, not to mention the WS who complain or say they don't love their spouses anymore which is another confirmation in OM's mind that he is not breaking a relationship which is already broken.

 

In OM's mind, he deserves this woman as she has emotionally chosen him upon her husband (whether it is true or not). A woman who cheats, has emotionally dumped her H even if she goes on living with him married.

 

All this perspective, VALIDATION (of his actions) and emotional comfort, lead the OM to think that he is not doing something wrong, that he can have this woman in his life and share his life with her (talking about single OMs)

 

I know that for you a "good" OM would tell the WS : "Look, I love you but you are doing something wrong to your H. Go back to him and don't contact me again" but the world we live in is not so perfect. People put their feelings and needs upon someone else's needs, especially if they are comforted in their actions.

 

Bottom-line, not the OM, nor the A would exist unless WS validation.

 

Most of OM/OW who come on the board to get support, is because their pain is real and they have not used the MW/MM for fun but because they were truly in love and had the illusion of a happy ending. If it was for fun, no one would waste his time to get support once the A ended.

 

Personally, I am not looking for the BSs empathy towards my experience but I understand the pain and the resentment of any BS.

 

 

East, you should never make such sweeping generalizations as you did in this post. Not every affair starts with an emotional connection at all. In my case, the only emotional connection in my life was with my dear wife. Not the OW. I never felt any love for her at all. And true love can never be based on lies and deception.

[Woggle]

Because they think accountability does not apply to them for some reason.

[confusedinkansas]

Dex - Although you & I don't see eye to eye most of the time - There are posts here from you that occasionally are spot on & on occasion I've received some insightful advice that has helped me see things from a different perspective. (which is why I came to this forum & keep coming back & posting)

 

Other times (You & Others) Just seem to get carried away with your assumptions, which is why so many that come here for help have to come back multiple times in an attempt "defend" what they've posted & therefore it seems as if the WS is whining & hoping for someone to 'feel sorry for them'

There are BS's that post here that come across as if the Poster is the one that wronged them. That's not a 'fair fight'. How can someone be objective in giving advice or their side of the story if they are defensive like they were wronged all over again.

 

I personally don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me but coming here to ask for advice, to vent even, should be able to be done by a cheater without having to deal with the wrath every single time.

 

One point we will always disagree on - Once A Cheater! IMO -It's closed minded & anyone that feels this way is off base because it's not always true.

although ......my X-AP fits him to a T. God Bless his new girlfriend

[desertIslandCactus]

As the question is directed to OM/OW, I'm willing to give my POV.

 

First of all people don't choose who they fall in love with. I know it sounds silly to get involved with someone who is not available but it happens in a way that you loose control of your judgment and cool reasoning. It always starts with emotional involvement and it goes on physical too. Once you are in, you are blinded with passion and you don't think about the situation.

 

The WS role is crucial in the sense that as long as the WS shows love and attachment, the WS "validates" the actions of both, not to mention the WS who complain or say they don't love their spouses anymore which is another confirmation in OM's mind that he is not breaking a relationship which is already broken.

 

In OM's mind, he deserves this woman as she has emotionally chosen him upon her husband (whether it is true or not). A woman who cheats, has emotionally dumped her H even if she goes on living with him married.

 

All this perspective, VALIDATION (of his actions) and emotional comfort, lead the OM to think that he is not doing something wrong, that he can have this woman in his life and share his life with her (talking about single OMs)

 

I know that for you a "good" OM would tell the WS : "Look, I love you but you are doing something wrong to your H. Go back to him and don't contact me again" but the world we live in is not so perfect. People put their feelings and needs upon someone else's needs, especially if they are comforted in their actions.

 

Bottom-line, not the OM, nor the A would exist unless WS validation.

 

Most of OM/OW who come on the board to get support, is because their pain is real and they have not used the MW/MM for fun but because they were truly in love and had the illusion of a happy ending. If it was for fun, no one would waste his time to get support once the A ended.

 

Personally, I am not looking for the BSs empathy towards my experience but I understand the pain and the resentment of any BS.

 

Absolutely they do choose. With communication, as soon as one learns the other is married .. that's the Red Flag to keep it professional .. or Choose.

[East7]

In my case, the only emotional connection in my life was with my dear wife. Not the OW. I never felt any love for her at all.

 

Good for you and too bad for the OW.

 

And true love can never be based on lies and deception.

 

I agree, but in this case the one who was cheated was your W, so are you saying that you had emotional connection with your wife but your love for her can not be based on lies and deception? Sounds confuse.

[jthorne]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

Oh Dexter, I heart you so. I really wish I had come to this site sooner. Members like you could have really helped me see my way clearer a whole lot sooner.

 

To answer your question, my quess is that the "cheaters" would say that this is a support forum, not an accountibility forum.

 

Awhile back, I responded to a thread I felt was particularly egregious. I got a nice reminder from Tony that we are not here to make people feel bad. So... my personal feeling is that many that come here are simply shameless. Not saying that to be ugly or snarky, it's just my perception from having hung out here awhile.

 

Funny how that works, isn't it?

 

Every person involved in an affair makes a series of CHOICES in order to GET there. It doesn't just happen by osmosis. I've lost count of the times I've read, "it just happened!!"

 

No, it DIDN'T just happen. You made an active CHOICE to allow it to happen, and did many things along the way to nurture it in order to make it a reality.

 

I have zero compassion for those people who post on message boards crying about their 'heartbreak' brought on by an affair - an affair THEY CHOSE to engage in - every step of the way. And when others won't cry along with them because it went down in flames (gee, who couldn't have predicted THAT???) we're mean and heartless.

 

Whatever. If I CHOOSE to drive drunk, then I deserve whatever happens to me. If you CHOOSE to engage in risky, unprotected sex, then you deserve the consequences. If you CHOOSE to actively be in an affair with a married person, then you deserve whatever comes your way.

 

ACCOUNTABILITY, folks. Learn the word.

Totally agree.

 

thomasb, I hope you will continue to stick around on these boards. You add a good balance in perspectives. I look forward to reading your posts.

 

As for the topic of this thread, I agree that it is a funny double-standard. But, I suppose that this board is the only place for some posters to vent about their situation. It's not like most people walk around IRL saying, "I'm heartbroken over my MM or my WS who dumped me."

Totally agree on thomasb!

 

There's a reason people can't walk around IRL like that. Because a great deal of society looks down upon infidelity. This site is made up of all kinds, so it alway suprises me when someone gets upset over what they perceive to be judgment. I guess it goes back to the judgement vs validation argument. Many come here for validation, not support.

 

As the question is directed to OM/OW, I'm willing to give my POV.

 

First of all people don't choose who they fall in love with. I know it sounds silly to get involved with someone who is not available but it happens in a way that you loose control of your judgment and cool reasoning. It always starts with emotional involvement and it goes on physical too. Once you are in, you are blinded with passion and you don't think about the situation.

Totally disagree with the bolded. It is a choice from the very beginning and all along the way. No disrespect, but saying "I just can't help it" is IMO another way to avoid accountability.

 

If you fell in love with someone you later found out to be a serial rapist or pedophile, it wouldn't be so hard to walk away, now would it? That choice would be easy, wouldn't it?

[East7]

Absolutely they do choose. With communication, as soon as one learns the other is married .. that's the Red Flag to keep it professional .. or Choose.

 

Did you choose to love your college crush, your BF, your husband ?

If yes, bravo, you have a very "professional" way of loving people.

 

I love the person not her professional, social or marital situation.

 

But I did learn my lesson : NEVER again someone who is already committed in another R. NEVER!

 

In my case, I DID tried to stop it in the early stage, but my beloved MW kept flirting and talking with me and I guess somewhere on our road there was a "no-return point".

Edited November 9, 2010 by East7

[2sure]

Yeah I know what you mean.

 

My thinking is that...when you begin an affair or start to realize it is a possibility...you accept the circumstances and the risk. And thats ok, its up to you...thats not my problem with the thinking. My problem lies with...that risk, the bulk of it....is that its someone else , someone not involved in the decision...that is the one who suffers the consequences of the risks taken. Thats a given. Whats hard to understand about that.

 

When you decide to do it, you have to acknowledge that you understood the risks to yourself and to the other people involved...and you just dont care. You think its worth it. Thats how you operate.

 

Doesnt sound good does it? Well, thats because it isnt.

And of you are ok with that...fine. Own it.

 

All of the justifications, excuses, and reasons in the world translate very simply to: I understand the risks to others and myself and I dont care because this is what I want to do.

 

We all are who we are and only need answer to ourselves. Just stop lying to yourself and being offended when someone else calls you on it. Its all just verbiage that comes down to the same thing.

[Spark1111]

Did you choose to love your college crush, your BF, your husband ?

If yes, bravo, you have a very "professional" way of loving people.

 

I love the person not her professional, social or marital situation.

 

But I did learn my lesson : NEVER again someone who is already committed in another R. NEVER!

 

In my case, I DID tried to stop it in the early stage, but my beloved MW kept flirting and talking with me and I guess somewhere on our road there was a "no-return point".

 

East7, thanks for your honesty.

 

I cannot help but wonder if these seemingly unhappy MM/MW, who in 95% of the cases TRY to return to that horrible marriage after stringing along the vulernable and needy, subconciously know that from the start?

 

Like a hunter surveying the herd and immediately knowing the weakest one, the one most likely to respond to their advances?

 

Because they can put out that "I am unhappy and ready for an affair" vibe all they want....and people with stronger boundaries and less instability would just shoot them down or ignore them.

 

It sounds like the selection is almost primal.

 

And is that love? Or is that selfishness?

[TheMENemy]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

 

 

They act that way online because that's how they act in real life.

[Spark1111]

Oh Dexter, I heart you so. I really wish I had come to this site sooner. Members like you could have really helped me see my way clearer a whole lot sooner.

 

To answer your question, my quess is that the "cheaters" would say that this is a support forum, not an accountibility forum.

 

Awhile back, I responded to a thread I felt was particularly egregious. I got a nice reminder from Tony that we are not here to make people feel bad. So... my personal feeling is that many that come here are simply shameless. Not saying that to be ugly or snarky, it's just my perception from having hung out here awhile.

 

Totally agree.

 

Totally agree on thomasb!

 

There's a reason people can't walk around IRL like that. Because a great deal of society looks down upon infidelity. This site is made up of all kinds, so it alway suprises me when someone gets upset over what they perceive to be judgment. I guess it goes back to the judgement vs validation argument. Many come here for validation, not support.

 

Totally disagree with the bolded. It is a choice from the very beginning and all along the way. No disrespect, but saying "I just can't help it" is IMO another way to avoid accountability.

 

If you fell in love with someone you later found out to be a serial rapist or pedophile, it wouldn't be so hard to walk away, now would it? That choice would be easy, wouldn't it?

 

This is usually learned in therapy following an affair, if one so chooses to go and do the hard work.

 

"It just happened," gets broken down into the million choices and steps taken to FUEL the attraction, to turn it to "love."

 

As I have said before, I am not immune to the attraction of myself to others, or of others to myself. That's human nature.

 

But I stop it because I can.

 

Maybe others cannot.

[desertIslandCactus]

Did you choose to love your college crush, your BF, your husband ?

If yes, bravo, you have a very "professional" way of loving people.

 

I love the person not her professional, social or marital situation.

 

But I did learn my lesson : NEVER again someone who is already committed in another R. NEVER!

 

In my case, I DID tried to stop it in the early stage, but my beloved MW kept flirting and talking with me and I guess somewhere on our road there was a "no-return point".

 

I said the word 'Married' that is the key word in choosing to keep it professional (if you must deal with them on a daily basis)..

[jthorne]

This is usually learned in therapy following an affair, if one so chooses to go and do the hard work.

 

"It just happened," gets broken down into the million choices and steps taken to FUEL the attraction, to turn it to "love."

 

As I have said before, I am not immune to the attraction of myself to others, or of others to myself. That's human nature.

 

But I stop it because I can.

 

Maybe others cannot.

Good point, Spark!

[TheMENemy]

As the question is directed to OM/OW, I'm willing to give my POV.

 

Thank you for your response because I think it typifies the sort of counterintuitive thought process that irks dexter morgan.

 

First, dexter did not "direct" the question "to OM/OW." He used the third person, "their," not "your", when asking about the thought processes involved. That doesn't mean you're prohibited from responding, obviously. However, what you did is very interesting--you "took ownership" of the question, in a way which inaccurately implied that dexter was primarily looking for input by OM/OW rather than generally about OM/OW. It's analagous to the way many OW speak of "MY married man."

 

 

First of all people don't choose who they fall in love with.

 

This is another excellent response by you because it goes to the very heart of the entire issue: the unwillingness of many OW/OM and their married affair partners to actually take responsibility for their relationship choices.

 

You speak of "falling in love" as if it's some kind of abstract state of being which randomly happens to people. I don't happen to think that's true even most of the time, for most people. However, even if it is true, for at least some people--what of it? Let's say you magically fall in love with an OM/OW (or with a married person if you are an OM/OW). Taking any action in response to "falling in love" is certainly the result of conscious decision-making.

 

So, "first of all," we can fairly say that OM/OW, and their married affair partners, frequently refuse or fail to take responsibility for their choices. It's fair to say that, because you just did.

 

 

 

I know it sounds silly to get involved with someone who is not available but it happens in a way that you loose control of your judgment and cool reasoning.

 

 

Also excellent response by you, it again emphasizes the them of failure to accept your personal responsibility for your actions. No, you don't lose control of your judgment and cool reasoning--rather, you exercise that judgment and reasoning in an "inappropriate" manner.

 

 

 

It always starts with emotional involvement and it goes on physical too. Once you are in, you are blinded with passion and you don't think about the situation.

 

 

On the contrary, many people involved in affairs think obsessively about their situation. But yet a third time you highlight the refusal to take responsibility for your actions. As if you are a mere puppet being controlled by someone else.

 

 

The WS role is crucial in the sense that as long as the WS shows love and attachment, the WS "validates" the actions of both, not to mention the WS who complain or say they don't love their spouses anymore which is another confirmation in OM's mind that he is not breaking a relationship which is already broken.

 

Presumably the affairs we are discussing, are mutually consensual sexual/emotional relationships, between consenting adults. Therefore, each participant is fully responsible for all their actions in the affair. It does not matter what "stimulus" a person believes they have received from their affair partner. The "response" to the stimulus obviously remains 100% under the control of the responder.

 

 

In OM's mind, he deserves this woman as she has emotionally chosen him upon her husband (whether it is true or not). A woman who cheats, has emotionally dumped her H even if she goes on living with him married.

 

They can think/justify however they want, but they both remain 100% in control of their actions. That is the critical point to remember. Affairs are the result of conscious choice, on both sides.

 

 

 

 

All this perspective, VALIDATION (of his actions) and emotional comfort, lead the OM to think that he is not doing something wrong, that he can have this woman in his life and share his life with her (talking about single OMs)

 

On the contrary, both parties to the affair KNOW they are doing "something wrong," i.e. something which violates some moral or ethical or marital boundary. There is no need to conceal that which we do not believe to be a "wrong" action. In spite of being well aware that what they are doing is "wrong," people involved in affairs make a cold calculation that by doing even more wrong--continuing to deceive their spouses--the cost/benefit analysis as they see it, makes it "worth their while" to be wrong-doers. In other words, it's not that they don't know that it's "wrong"--it's that they are willing to behave in an essentially amoral manner. They believe that whatever consequence they may have to suffer does not outweigh the perceived benefit, to themselves, of the affair.

 

 

 

 

 

I know that for you a "good" OM would tell the WS : "Look, I love you but you are doing something wrong to your H. Go back to him and don't contact me again" but the world we live in is not so perfect. People put their feelings and needs upon someone else's needs, especially if they are comforted in their actions.

 

 

If the OM was able to do that in the first place, he would not be an OM. Your passage is again excellent because the clear implication of it is that a "good" affair participant seems to be almost a "contradiction in terms." Which again goes right to the heart of the matter.

 

 

Bottom-line, not the OM, nor the A would exist unless WS validation.

 

Often but not always. Remember, affairs are essentially about selfish behavior. Both participants in the affair can be characterized by a selfish, "me-centric" attitude. The affair happens and can continue only for so long as the interests of the two selfish people are sufficiently aligned. Once those interests diverge--for example, dday happens and the MM wants to save his marriage--the AP/OW is frequently tossed easily under the bus. So much for "true affair style love," eh?

 

 

 

Most of OM/OW who come on the board to get support, is because their pain is real and they have not used the MW/MM for fun but because they were truly in love and had the illusion of a happy ending. If it was for fun, no one would waste his time to get support once the A ended.

 

I think many simply treat the message board as an "affinity group" not as a method of trying to change for the better. They are here to converse with other like minded individuals and are resentful of those who are not like minded.

 

 

 

 

Personally, I am not looking for the BSs empathy towards my experience but I understand the pain and the resentment of any BS.

 

 

Right. You are happy with who you are.