Wife left, says shes not happy :(

[RogerH]

My wife of 13 years and best friend for almost 20 years dropped a bomb on me 3 weeks ago. She had her suitcase packed and said I am giving you what you want I'm leaving. I told her to sit down and lets talk. She would not listen, and proceeded to her SUV. We got into a HUGE argument in the driveway which ended with a broken side mirror by me and sever bite and claw marks on me by her.

She came back inside and we talked went to bed, and seamed to be ok. The next day she was acting really strange and kept saying shes scared. And not happy. I tried talking to her but she would not listen. On Friday after talking and texting back n forth all day I get a call from her saying she is gonna stay at a friends house and our 11 and 7 year old sons our at her parents house. She made a list of demands of what she wanted counseling was one on her list. I told her I agree we can not do it ourself and needed help, but she must be willing to make a go of it this time. 5 years ago we went and she could never say what she wanted. The counselor would ask us what was bothering us. She would talk then me. Afterwards the counselor would ask her if what I said was true, she would cry and say yes. Afterwords on the way home she would yell at me for making her look like an ass.

 

So I agreed to go to counseling with her, she is my best friend, mother of my son's and my wife. I love her very much and think she is the most beautiful woman in my world. I want this to work. She came back after a weekend apart, the next week was liking walking on eggshells. I am laid off since January and we do see each other alot. The next weekend Sat, evening we took the boys to family and friend Trick or Treating and she dressed up with them, we had fun. The boys wanted to sleep over at my moms house. Her and I drove home taking and I thought getting along. Soon as we get home she puts her costume back on and says she needs a drive to clear her head and will be back in a lil. I questioned her about her costume knowing her girl friend from work (the one she stayed with) was having a Halloween party. 45 min later I get text saying she was to drained to drive and would be home 1st thing in the AM. I was a wreck that nite. She called at 9ish the next morning asking to meet somewhere I told I could not, as I broke down sobbing on the phone with her. She said she would come home, and wants it to work. 30 mins later I called to see where se was and she said they decided to go out to eat she would be home after that.

 

She got home at 11:30 am and said she felt bad, and that I was not being nice to her. I asked her how should I act after a weeks worth of lies. She then left to drop her frien off at MIL place and came back 45 mins later. after she came home she then stated she needed to leave again to get her things at her friends house. 2 1/2 hours later I called her and said she needs to make up her mind if she wants this to work or not 'cause the boys were asking where she is.

 

She came home furious, and said she wanted to talk to the boys she is done. I asked her who is it she insist it is nobody, all she says is she is not happy and it is not far. She feels like a failure and wants to leave. I took her keys out of the ignition when we was not looking so she would not leave with out talking things out. After talking a lil bit she went to the bathroom texted her friends who called the cops on us and everything went down from there.

That was almost 3 weeks ago, she has not been back to sleep, just get things. We were going to counseling 2 times a week, and last Friday we were to write down what we wanted changed and what changes we were willing to make. I did my list and all she said was there is nothing at this time I can see that would work. The counselor said then it is a waste of time to come anymore if she does not want to move to the next step of making amends. All she says is she is numb and has very little emotion. She is very withdrawn, and was staying away from her parents and grandparents who she was raised by.

 

i know it is not all her, but I agreed to everything she asked for and still nothing. She did say she is not saying she wants a divorce, but needs time to think. I dont know how much time she needs or how much I can give her. I have the boys with me at our house and it is very hard not to be with her when I can see she is hurting.

 

What should I do.

 

Sorry for the book of a post

 

R

[What_Next]

RogerH, first I am sorry that you are here. Second I will say that what I am about to say you should really listen to. Your wife is having an affair. Your brain knows this but your heart won't allow you to accept it. All the signs are there. It is a classic case.

 

I was right where you were back in May. Check out my thread.

 

First steps? Take care of YOU! Research the 180 and follow it like a bible.

 

Find proof of what she is doing and expose it. The light of day will life the fog she is in. Don't appeal to her sense of decency, love of her children or anything else, they will all fail. Shock her system!

[iheartboobs]

This sounds like a woman who's become unhappy with her life and decided it's your fault. I've seen it a lot, and have first-hand experience... my ex wife did the same thing.

 

Sadly, there's nothing you can do about it. If someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, she's just going to tune them out like I'm sure she did the counselor (my ex went to counseling often near the end, and stopped going to every one of them because, in her words, they got on her nerves or had no idea what they were talking about).

 

You especially can't tell her anything because, in her mind, you're the reason she's unhappy. I mean, I'm sure she believes she'd have been more successful or happier or able to party more or something if you weren't holding her back. With my ex, she knew she'd have finished nursing school if it hadn't been for me (apparently paying for her to go to school for 6 years while financially supporting her and helping her with her school work to get a 2 year degree was "holding her back" ). It wasn't the least bit logical, and everyone tried to tell her that, but she knew, or, more accurately, she felt that I was the problem and so I must have been.

 

There really is nothing you can do to make her see reason... and that sucks. The best thing you can do, if you're interested in keeping this woman, is to give her space and just agree with everything she says. Don't initiate contact, don't talk about the relationship, and, if she starts to accuse you of anything, just agree with whatever inane crap she spews forth... don't try to sound like you actually believe her crazy ****, but sound more like what she's saying isn't important enough to argue. You see, I couldn't do that last bit... when I heard something crazy, I had to at least try to argue some logic into her thick skull. That's a no-no, and it didn't work, anyway.

 

So, you don't talk to her unless you have to, you don't bring up the relationship or your problems (I mean, you've tried that... it doesn't work with her), and if she brings something up you do whatever it take to get off the subject asap. That's a good start, but next, you need to show her that you're better off without her. Be happy, be confident, be just plain better than you were before the two of you split, not just around her, but all the time (it will get back to her). Make her think: if you're the reason you were both so unhappy, why's she still unhappy and you're not? No matter how illogical she it, eventually that's going to sink in.

 

I hope it helps... this does work, but, like in my case, sometimes it doesn't work fast enough.

[RogerH]

Thanks, I am trying to give her the space she needs, but it is so damn hard. I wanna take her in my arms and comfort her. We met at the counselor this morning to hash about a temp schedule/ agreement with the boys. I am keeping them most the time. It just feels like this is the beginning of the end.

 

Her parents agree with me that I did all I can do, and that it is in Gods hands.

 

I hope and pray that she makes up her mind/ get her head out of her ass before it is to late.

 

I am trying to start my own business and was close to starting when this all went down. I have been talking to 2 diff places for scheduling and interview for a job, and have started my plan for my business again.

 

I dont wanna say it, but the holidays are rite around the corner, and this has already gone over our youngest sons B-day. But people always wanna start the new year off fresh, and I think that may the case for me as well. I love her and want her back, but I can not make her want and love me.

 

Rite now I am trying to be strong for the boys and myself

My kids are my world

[RogerH]

also, I searched and could not find "the 180"

 

Any help for this?

[GorillaTheater]

also, I searched and could not find "the 180"

 

Any help for this?

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000476;p=0

[RogerH]

I just got a thing in the mail confirming the request to forward her mail.

Is it over?

[2sunny]

sounds like she has someone she has been seeing outside the M.

 

make her uncomfortable. that is the only way she MAY consider changing things at this point. as long as she has everything she wants/needs - nothing will change.

 

cut off her money. have her followed to see who she's really with and what she's doing. she may be drinking/drugging too excess... who knows? but you need to find out what's REALLY going on - because she sure isn't going to give you the truth.

 

check her email, cell bill and bank statements.

[What_Next]

RogerH, listen to what I am saying and what 2sunny is saying, don't worry about sitting there with your head in your hands feeling sorry for yourself! Get up! Act! Show her what she will be missing!

[michaelhopes]

This situation screams affair......

You're going to have to do the opposite of what you feel like doing now.

Do a 180.....Listen to What Next

Hang on , youre about to get on the rollercoaster from hell

[karnak]

New Year is coming along.

 

It's the time when most women decide to divorce (New Year= New Life and all that....)

 

She's probably been considering ending the marriage for some time now. Be cool and don't loose your head. Be very honest and don't do nothing foolish. Don't loose your head.

[habs53]

Time to think is a polite way to say im gone. She has no plans to come back. Im very sorry there guy. Fight for your kids, the will resent her for this.

[RogerH]

I had confronted her and so has our pastor about having an affair. She has always said no I just need time. She suffers from depression and had a nervous breakdown. She said she is just numb and needs time and space. She felt trapped and smothered

 

 

So I believed her

 

But today I get the cell phone bill and see she has 1300 text's

I looked on line and she is texting 80- 100 times aday to her friends boyfriend

 

Hmmmm

 

Any Ideas

[goingstrong]

 

So I believed her

 

But today I get the cell phone bill and see she has 1300 text's

I looked on line and she is texting 80- 100 times aday to her friends boyfriend

 

Hmmmm

 

Any Ideas

Yea, she's cheating, at least emotionally, with this guy. And if he hasn't already, he is lining her up to do her.

[What_Next]

RogerH you have been given more than enough suggestions on what to do. Your wife IS having an affair and I can almost bet it already was physical. That thought will crawl inside your head and devour your brain if you let it. DON'T LET IT!

 

Go back and read my thread (get coffee....) and see what I went through. See what my wife put me through, and a large part of it was because I let her. There is no 1 solution. There is no magic bullet. I can give you some pointers though.

 

1. Take care of your kids, fight for them if necessary, they need to remain your #1 priority.

2. Take care of yourself, eat right, sleep right, exercise. This is critical.

3. Get the help you need, from family, from friends, from wherever you are able. Rally those around you.

 

Get the above done NOW.

 

Next

 

1. Dig, dig and dig some more. Expose her affair to the light of day. Don't be concerned that it will tick her off to no end. She will get angry, you name it. Just do it. Life that fog.

 

2. Once you expose it, pull your boot straps up and get a new look, buy some new clothes. Show her what she will be missing.

 

3. I'd even advise to date, now that will be controversial on here, but I did. Now the way I chose to do it, was unwise, but it certainly did help snap her out of it..

[RogerH]

I exposed her. Found out she got a new phone, when we had a plan together in my name. I questioned her bout texting 80 -100 x's a day to the same guy. Her friends boyfriend. I asked for my phone back since she does not need it anymore. When going trhu it she had texts and pics of her in tanktop sayin Im in ur bed and ur not here and another one showin her hand with no wedding rings on sayin this should make u happy, I took my rings off

 

I told her I hope she is happy with her decision.

 

I am exposing her to her family and friends

[Mad Max]

3. I'd even advise to date, now that will be controversial on here, but I did. Now the way I chose to do it, was unwise, but it certainly did help snap her out of it..

 

 

That's a very dumb thing to do. In the divorce case, she will use that against him.

[durkadurka]

I exposed her. Found out she got a new phone, when we had a plan together in my name. I questioned her bout texting 80 -100 x's a day to the same guy. Her friends boyfriend. I asked for my phone back since she does not need it anymore. When going trhu it she had texts and pics of her in tanktop sayin Im in ur bed and ur not here and another one showin her hand with no wedding rings on sayin this should make u happy, I took my rings off

 

I told her I hope she is happy with her decision.

 

I am exposing her to her family and friends

 

I hope she enjoys getting raped in the divorce.

 

The grass is never greener, and her kids will never respect her.

 

What a twat.