8 year relationship at a hault

[anc20]

Im new on here and want to be sure i give all the details so i apologize in advance if this is a little long. I am 20 years old and have been dating the same guy since we were twelve. i do think it is important to give a few details, however. when we met back in seventh grade, i had just found out that my grandfather (the only man in my life, no father) had done some pretty bad things to me in my sleep, and got caught by my uncle and was sent to prison. John, my boyfriend, was going through his parents very hard and voilent divorce. I feel like since we met under such circumstances that many people who dont know those details do not understand why we are still together. anyways, ever since we met we were inseperable, to this day we have not spent more than 5 days apart. HOWEVER. we are no where near perfect. i cannot count the times that he has cheated, and im not saying im perfect either. we scream and fight with eachother often, and he has gotten violent with me one drunken night. we are completely different people with completely different lifestyles, morals, values, personalities, and ideas of the future. you would think that with all that mess between us we wouldnt have lasted, but we have. it is going on eight years now. But i am starting to really question everything. the issue is that i dont feel like i can blame him for cheating because can you really expect anyone to be with ONE person from the time they are 12 to 20?? i mean we met and dated the entire time you are supposed to be dating around and finding out what you like and dont like. but now we have kind of grown into one person in a way, like im not exactly sure who i am without and him and vice versa. after a recent fight, he told me for the first time ever that he didnt want to be in a commited relationship with me. it broke my heart. but we decided to be adults about it and i told him that i wasnt mad at him for how he felt and that i would give him his space. i moved out and everything , but he still found a reason to call or text me every day and then started begging me to come home and blah blah. this is nothing new but usually when i leave he is amazing even after i came back, but this time hes not. hes still being kind of a jerk anytime i bring up anything important but other than that hes completely loving. also, which i should probably make a seperate threat for this, but he has a lock on his phone that he refuses to take off. I have his phone records and he and i both know that even though we dont talk about it. i know he hasnt been talking to anyone but i feel like that is besides the point, i feel like he should be an open book like i am with him in order to have a good relationship and we connot come to a compromise. i am just a mess right now and have really rambled way too much! im so sorry.but please, if you managed to read this whole thing, give me some advice!

[jad0re]

The phone thing: I'm with you. I think if you've been together long enough, or are close enough, it should be like an open book. I've got nothing to hide. But, that being said, so many of my friends (girls and guys) completely disagree and think that a phone, like a diary, is off limits. Having nothing to do with cheating, they swear it's a privacy thing. So, maybe that's his deal. Since you have his records (and he knows it) he's not really hiding much with that password.

 

In terms of the relationship: I'm 24, and alot of of my friends stayed together from 14-20, and then around 19-22, people started filtering out (although, some have gotten married). It's difficult, because you're an adult by then (20) and often you grow into seperate people. Girl to girl, my advice to you would be that he always know that you'd be fine without him. If he knows you'd move on, if you really had to, he'd think twice next time he thought about cheating, fighting, getting violent, etc., Otherwise, if he thinks you'd never leave him and depend on him for everything, he'll treat you any way he feels like it. Since you have left him before, and he works on getting back into your good graces, it sounds like you stand up for yourself. If you make too many threats or back out too soon, eventually he'll stop taking you seriously, becareful with that. All that being said, if it's love and it's meant to be, you two will get through the rough patch(es). I just went to a wedding for my friends who have been together from 15 (they're 25 now). Good luck <3