how long did it take???

[coltsfan1]

my ex and I broke up for the second time in a year in August. After a few talks with the wifes in my group of friends they have told me that she will contact me again and to have my NO ready. So these questions are directed at anyone who has heard from their ex.

 

1. Did you ever talk again?

-if so-

2. How many months where you in NC before they contacted you?

3. Was it just to check on you or was it more? (I am NOT going to feed the ego)

4. how did you handle it?

 

I ask because I hope I never have to deal with this situation and if I have to I would like to be as prepared as possible.

Thanks....

[mogul]

I'm with you man, still waiting.... 6 weeks nc.

[PowerOfOne]

My ex ex tried getting in contact about 5 or 6 months after the breakup and there was no contact for 95% of that. She randomly started calling which I either rejected or let ring out. That went on for a few weeks. Then she ran into my room mate at the pub down the road from my place. He stupidly told her I was at home. She rocked up at my front door later that night.

 

She pounced on me... begged for me back. By that stage I was over it. I was a mess after the breakup for months. I would have done anything to get her back at that stage. But as time goes on you realise why the relationship wasn't that great. So I told her getting back together wasn't something I wanted.

 

2 years after that she heard I was coming back to town for a long weekend and nagged and nagged and insisted that I catchup with her. It was a 40 degC day and she had a pool so I thought why not. After a swim and a catchup I got up to leave and she said there was one last thing she wanted to show me in her room. Silly me didn't think anything of it and went along. Same thing again! She threw herself at me! And again I had to turn her down.

 

It's been 5 weeks since the latest breakup. I'm still riding that rollercoaster... It's hard to think I'll ever be as over her as I was the last one. I honestly can't beleive the same will happen with this ex even if we did breakup on much better terms. Never say never i suppose.

[SeriousBob12]

My ex contacted me back in november, through a PM on facebook. It wasn't what I had pictured in my head. For months I had longed (even though I didn't really expect it) for her to come back full of regret and with eyes open to how great of a bf I was to her.

Instead I got a few sentences wishing me the best and that if I couldn't be "friends" she understood but still wished me the best.

 

To be honest, I liked it better when she didn't send me that. It was a pointless msg and I know full well it was just to relieve her guilt and nothing more.

 

I didn't respond, and can honestly say that if she ever contacts me again I'll be absolutely shocked.

[coltsfan1]

thanks guys I have been wondering how often ex's actually seek out a cleansing/second chance. I have been NC since September, and haven't actually spoken since end of August. I just want to be prepared, I won't feed her ego by giving her some pass after her actions. If she is looking for a release of guilt she should see a preist.

 

Mogul-you are still in the relief stage for your ex im sure of that. give it more time. might not be what you want to hear but its true.

 

Powerofone- I seriously doubt that will happen in my situation. How surprised were you by her actions the first attempt, be honest the thought of getting it one more time crossed your mind . Did you all end poorly or on good terms? +1 for passing that HAD to be tough.

 

SeriousBob12- How long were you and your ex broken up till there was contact? I am sure you are spot on, she was looking for a pass. +1 for you for not giving it to her. Way to stand your ground!

[PowerOfOne]

I seriously doubted that she'd come back that first time as well! It was a strange ending. We had a huge fight one night and I told her I didn't want to see her again. After a couple of days I'd calmed down and went to sort things out. I honestly had good reason to be p!ssed off at her, but I was 21 and didn't have that maturity to deal with conflict. But she didn't want to reconcile it. Within a couple of days she was with someone else. I was crushed after that for months.

 

I may have left out the bit where that night she rocked up at my door we ended up having sex. I fought it and fought it because I knew it would send the wrong signal that I wanted her back. I even told her that but she didn't accept it. I think she thought that it'd bring back all that emotion. But it didn't. After 6 months I'd realised how bad the relationship was. It amazes me to this day that I could go from throwing up just thinking about her with her new guy to flat out refusing to get back with her. Now years down the track I look back at her with pure indifference. I remember the good things and the bad things and there is absolutely no emotion that goes with it. It's just a memory like buying a pair of jeans or some other mundane task.

 

I hoping beyond hope that i feel like that about my last ex in time to come. But i can't see it. We had a much better relationship. If my ego is winning the day I can convince myself it was a GIGS thing or some other external factor (like my unemployment for 10 months) that was responsible - other days not so much....

 

NC and using the breakup as a catalyst to improve yourself is critical to moving on. That's the only positive thing about being a dumpee vs a dumper. A dumper will continue on the same way they have. But when a dumpee gets through this horrible period they come out a better person and so so so much stonger!

[PowerOfOne]

Double post, sorry.

Edited December 28, 2010 by PowerOfOne

[LifeIsGreat]

Coltsfan.... I have had just 2 extemely half hearted attempts by my ex to reach out to me (NC 5 months). I didn't answer either one. (She broke up with me). From time to time I practice potential conversations we might have if she was able to reach me. They basically end with... we have tried this a few times, nothing changes, nothing will change, so we are done.

 

If friends have told you to say NO, please follow their advice. My friends feel the same about my ex. Anytime I think about her and I being back together, I just imagine what my friends would think of me. Although they would be supportive, they would think I'm an idiot.

 

She should get her own closure. You don't owe that to her. However, if you didn't leave off on good terms there is nothing wrong with you writing her a letter to apologize (if need be), and telling her you are glad for the time you shared together. You can close the letter by telling her there is no reason for her to respond.

[coltsfan1]

we didn't leave on good terms she cheated on me, I am not going to give her the pleasure of my voice for the rest of her life. I was just trying to be prepared because the same people that tell me to have my NO ready say i will hear from her again. I do not believe I will however I want to gather as much insite to the situation so that I am well prepared if that day does come.

[PowerOfOne]

My experience is about 50/50 make an attempt at contact.

 

For my ex ex I didn't think about having a 'no' ready - I didn't think she'd want to make contact. But when the time came the no came very easily because i'd moved on.

 

MAN I hope i feel like that about my last ex.

[rhonian]

I guess I will put aside the fact that you are a COLTSFAN and just answer the question....

 

NC for 19 days....after ending a 2+ year relationship.

 

GO RAVENS!!

[applestar]

ahah rhonian, im with you - GO RAVENS!

 

my ex and i still talk bc we were originally the very best of friends, and so i cant really say i can contribute much to this thread.. it does get very hard to talk to him sometimes when he can act and talk so casually as if he is so carefree, i dont know if he actually is or not but i do know that he is a super affable guy and can easily push aside awkwardness. its a trait i suppose many of us would want to have.. i know i do.

[coltsfan1]

PowerofOne- Thats what I think, it is 50/50. But there is nothing to salvage between us. She has even burnt bridges with people that wouldn't have turned their back on her. So I guess we will see what the future holds.

 

Rhonian & Applestar- Your Ravens are looking alot better than they have over the last two years that for sure. Last time it took about 5 months before she got into contact with me. But the situation was different because of her dirty little secret.

 

I truly believe that she realizes the situation and will not tuck tail and come to me, but only time will tell. I hope that I am in such a place that I will shrug it off and the contact will not affect me.

[fiat500]

who's supposed to reach out first? it's been over a month. i'm the dumpee. he ended things dishonorably and over facebook. i was always loyal. he claimed we were getting into too many "conflicts" even though they were over text. he's home from college by now.

 

i feel disrespected. i feel it's not up to me anymore to reach out and try to reconcile. he was mean to me when he ended things.

 

i won't hear from him ever again.

[PowerOfOne]

coltsfan1 - you'll definatly be in a place where you sill shrug off her contact! And when that day comes you'll amaze yourself.

 

fiat500 - Personally, i think it's definatly in the dumpers court as to whether there is any reaching out. They're the ones that walked out and so it's up to them to suck it up and admit they made a mistake and apologise. I'm generalising of course. There are times when a person has to leave a toxic relationship until the other person can get their life straight. Drugs, abuse etc.

 

I think I've put myself in a grey area though... I told her when we broke up that I didn't think friends would be a good idea. She said "maybe later..." and i left it hang there. I hope by doing that it'll filter out any "I just called to catchup on you" conversations in the future. But she might have taken it as a "don't call me, i'll call you" thing and never try and make contact.

[PowerOfOne]

It's only been a month fiat500.

 

Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.

-- George-Louis Leclerc de Buffon

 

The ex ex took 5 or 6 months to get back in touch. He left you in a really ****ty way, I'd be very suprised if he didn't make contact in the future. Very suprised. Be it in a month or in 2 or 3 years. He doesn't deserve you to reach out to him if he acts like that. Keep up NC and have a "piss off loser!" ready for when he comes sniffing about!

[homebrew]

1. Did you ever talk again?

Yes, all my Long Term Exes but one. Trust me, I will hear from her too.

 

2. How many months where you in NC before they contacted you?

 

All of them tried within the first few months to contact me to see how I was doing.

 

3. Was it just to check on you or was it more? (I am NOT going to feed the ego)

Contact within the first few months:

 

1. Make sure I was okay (Your Exes are doing the same)

2. Feed the ego...

3. Relieve the Guilt

 

Contacts made after a year or more:

 

They all wanted me back except one that had met the "one" (had she not met the "one" she would have wanted me back too and said so).

 

4. How did you handle it?

Within a year... Mostly No Contact / A couple... Very, Very, Very limited contact (I knew that none of them wanted me back... yet!)

 

After a year or more... It didn't effect me in a bad way. I was over them. So for me, it was good to catch up and see how they were doing.

 

If and when your EX wants you back... (Assuming you were a good person and didn't force them to break up with you due to abuse or cheating, etc.) They will let you know in no uncertain terms what they are doing and what they are after. Like the other post in this thread... Your cell phone, text messages, facebook, etc will blow up due to their attempts to reach you. Some of my EXes even had to contact my parents to get my contact information. Don't be surprised if they show up and jump into your arms...

 

I dated a few of my EXes again and choose not to date some (for various reasons....)

 

I still get contacted every couple of years by most of the girls (except the last few since they are still recent) that I was in Long Term Relationships with over the last 15+ years. Now at this point, they are now just friends (they are happily married) and are just checking in (it's great to catch up when I do hear from them)

 

How / Why is that?

 

1. I really "knew" / "know" them.

 

2. I was great to them.

 

3. They left me a better person.

 

4. I was their best friend, partner and lover all wrapped up in one.

 

5. They could talk to me.

 

6. They trusted me.

 

7. I was there when they needed me and I could be counted on.

 

8. When they came to me for help and advice... I had their best interest at heart.

 

9. If you haven't figured it out... I know how to break up correctly!

 

10. Instead of letting the crazy person that we are after a break up speak on my behalf... I let who I was and the relationship speak for itself / me!

 

11. I'm Special?!?!?!?! Okay... So that was a stretch.... everything else was accurate though!

Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew

[ginastar]

so how many of you would actually take an ex back if they had been with someone else for say 8 months -12 months?

 

ex's really may show up again after a LTR and being with someone else for a long time (8-12 months)?

[ginastar]

so how many of you would actually take an ex back if they had been with someone else for say 8 months -12 months?

 

ex's really may show up again after a LTR and being with someone else for a long time (8-12 months)?

[homebrew]

I did... After several years... You will not care.

 

I had be in relationships with other people too so how could I be mad at my EX considering I did the same thing.

 

Did my EX move on first? Yes.

 

Did I care after some point and time? No.

[ginastar]

wait so u were the dumper that eventually wanted her back? after years?

 

I feel like if my ex were to come back it would have been after a few weeks, when he decided if he liked her or not. but its been a soild 4 months that they have been serious. it surprises me when people on here say their ex came back after like 6 -12 months. like really? why would it take so long?

[homebrew]

I am 38, have been dumped and been the dumpee several times over...

 

So at this point in my life, I am able to see things from a different point of view than I did in my twenties. I have the perspective of time...

 

I have dated several exes that were either dumped by me or I was dumped by them. All of them were more than a year later.

 

I was over them and the break up and so were they...

 

It's like dating someone for the first time... Think about it... Did you care who your EX dated before you dated them? No.

 

It's kinda like that!

 

It takes so long because you have to be over them and forgive them for the break up if you are the Dumpee.... That takes a long, long time. Anything less than a year... Is too short!

 

If they come back after a couple of weeks... That is not what most of us experience... So to me, a couple of weeks apart isn't really a break up....

Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew

[ginastar]

hmm well i dated him for 7.5 years so i feel like it will never feel like the first time again. i also feel like I may never completely get over this?

 

were u ever in a very long relationship with any of those girls u mentioned?

[homebrew]

hmm well i dated him for 7.5 years so i feel like it will never feel like the first time again. i also feel like I may never completely get over this?

 

were u ever in a very long relationship with any of those girls u mentioned?

 

Does 5 Years Qualify? (Twice, with two different women)

 

Trust me... Once you have healed and are over it... If it is meant to be... You will not mind or care what he did after the break up. Neither will he.

 

You still are a new dumpee so you can't "see" what I am telling you but trust me... It happens.

[homebrew]

What I am about to say will really BLOW YOUR MIND...

 

Should your EX come back...

 

Most of you will either being dating someone better than your EX or you will choose not to take them back.

 

This is even after they tell you what a horrible mistake they made, begging YOU to take them back...

 

You will be like... No thanks, I pass! (without giving it much of a second thought)

 

Sounds CRAZY at the moment... but in time, you will get "there" and for most of you either one of the two things above will happen.