STBXW Is Cruel

[marqueemoon4]

Ok, let me start by saying I was with this woman for 8yrs, married for 2.5. We have a pretty big age difference, when we met I was 32 and she was 21. She was supposed to be a quick fling, and I told her numerous times I thought she was too young for me. She was persistent and basically wouldn't go away. Eventually I grew to love her, and we became very comfortable together. We both loved hockey and attended tons of games together and were very active in our favorite teams community. Flash forward to April 06, and after 4yrs together I proposed to her at a hockey game. A week later she told me she was pregnant. We were so incredibly happy. Our son was born in Jan 07, he is wonderful and we both love him more than anything.

 

She left in May, there was an event that occurred that I don't want to go too much into detail about. After she left she upped her hours at work and had me watch our son pretty much every second she was working (27hrs) on top of the 42hrs I worked already. I had supported her almost 100% for the last 4yrs. Another dramatic event occurred at the end of July that pretty much was the dagger in our marriage and was my fault for letting my emotions get the best of me. Since then she only will speak to me about our son, is incredibly cold and callous, and has stated on numerous occasions she is never coming back no matter what. She says horribly cruel things to me, and knows how much I love her and want her back. I pretty much have continued to make bad decisions by telling her how hard a time I'm having and how much I miss her and my son. I've been in the worst depression of my life since the big blowup, lost 30lbs, am completely alone in my condo except for the times when I have visitation with my son.

 

At this point its pretty much 100% that she is going to file for divorce in May 2011, in VA you have to be separated a year if you have a child. I really don't want to be divorced, hate the fact I can't be a fulltime father to my son who I love more than anyone else. I have worked a great deal on becoming a better person, have done 16 sessions of individual therapy and recently started taking a low dosage of Lexapro. Every day for the last 4 months my stomach has been in knots, and I cried pretty much every day.

 

Let me also say that at times during our marriage I was verbally abusive when we would have fights, no name calling or anything like that, but I really knew how to push her buttons and say hurtful things. There was never any physical contact at all, until the middle of 2008. I was yelling at her during a fight, and she got off the couch and punched me in the face as hard as she could (I'm 6'4 and she's 5'3). I took it, didn't say a word and walked away. The day she left was a physical altercation as well, but let me state I've never put my hands on her, threatened her, or tried to physically keep her from trying to leave. Also, I have always been 100% honest with her, and have never cheated on her. Anyway, here are some of the things she has said to me the last few months:

 

1. for your actions you lose your family! (possibly the most hurtful thing ever said to me)

2. you only want to spend more time with your son so you don't have to pay as much child support

3. said I'm a "mean person", not just to her but in general. Pretty much everyone who knows me would disagree with that.

 

There is obviously much more to this story, I just still am shocked someone I was with so long can be so callous and cruel. She knows this is really hurting our son too, and doesn't care. I can't believe I still miss this person so much and want her back. I still think about her and getting my family back most of the day, its been affecting my work for months. I focus on my son when I have him and have become a much better father to him. Even she admits this is true and says he adores me. I try and hang out with friends and do things but it doesn't seem to help. This is completely out of my hands, and I feel completely helpless!

Edited December 30, 2010 by marqueemoon4

[Nightsky]

You’re really depressed now. She'll file for divorce when legally possible unless facts change. Make peace with her intentions. You had an unhealthy relationship for a while therefore it makes sense. With time you’ll start feeling better.

[marqueemoon4]

It was definitely unhealthy towards the end until she left in May. Since then as I mentioned I've gotten alot of help and really feel I have become a better person. She has some serious issues as well, mainly centered around her father who was very abusive to her mother, both physically and verbally. She had major problems showing affection and never seemed comfortable being intimate. To my knowledge she's done nothing to address this issue.

 

She doesn't want to give me another chance, and I guess I have to accept that. I think she may be seeing someone else as well, but can't be sure. I guess the only thing I can do is move on, but I miss her and my son so much.

[LifeIsGreat]

I swear, I think my first wife divorced me just to punish me. Don't think she every really fully thought it out.

 

My second wife was 'the one'. However, like you, I made some huge mistakes along the way. It's so unfortunate, but sometimes we do sooo much damage that it becomes unfixable.

 

This is what I suggest. If you haven't done so yet, make a sincere apology to your wife. Then you have to go No Contact on her (to the best of your ability having a child). Keep taking your meds, seeing your shrink, and do the best you can to heal. STOP talking anything about your relationship with your wife. When you do see her make sure you are upbeat and appear to being doing well (fake it 'til you make it). Do NOT be a doormat to her. Be helpful with your child, but that's it.

 

If you do make the needed changes for your relationship, you can't tell her-- she needs to SEE the new you.

[Nightsky]

You’ll see your son. Even though things are rough now you still have a good chance at civility. I’m sure you’ve seen tough times before. If you hang on things will get better.

 

Even though she left you this can't be easy for her either. She’s obviously going through a tough time acting out.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm starting to think I'm the most emotionally weak person on the planet. I try and take a hardline with her, and always end up folding in less than a day. She is so over it.. and I'm so not. I feel like seeing her twice a week to pickup/dropoff our son just rips the scab off every time. She is clear there is nothing I can do to stop her from filing in May, and I continue to make things worse since I cannot control my emotions when dealing with her. I couldn't go NC if my life depended on it, and I continue to dig my hole deeper. I have to believe some of this comes from being adopted and abandonment issues I have. I'm so tired of missing and caring for someone who has distanced herself as far from me as possible. I do believe if we didn't have a son together it would be bad but not this bad.

 

There is nothing I can do to stop this. I'm going to be divorced. I'm not going to be a full time father to my son. I have to come to terms with this somehow.

[dreamingoftigers]

Get over to the divorcebusters website and talk to a coach.

 

Seriously helpful. Probably one of the last chances to pull it from the gutter if possible.

[marqueemoon4]

Get over to the divorcebusters website and talk to a coach.

 

Seriously helpful. Probably one of the last chances to pull it from the gutter if possible.

 

If I thought there was even a 10% chance I could save things I'd definitely do it. She is absolutely not going to budge. And like I said, I continue to make things worse by pleading with her to save our family, and she thinks I'm guilting her by saying how its hurting our son. She comes back with the standard "this is better than having him be around parents who are in an unhealthy marriage". I absolutely agree with that, but I truly believe we could create a healthy environment for all 3 of us. She says if we ever got back together all we would do is fight because "thats what we do". I have taken 90% of the blame for the failure of the marriage, she doesn't want to even take 10%. Its not what she wants anymore, I guess she wants to be on her own and have me as a babysitter and ATM, nothing else.

 

Doesn't help she looks incredibly hot every time I see her either.

Edited December 31, 2010 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

I talked to her on the phone yesterday about our son who was sick the day before. Of course I slipped up and mentioned our relationship and made it clear how much I don't want to be divorced. Fail. She said "I can't talk to you right now" and "you need to leave me be right now". I'm not sure if these "right nows" mean anything.. I would assume that maybe she'll talk to me after May? I don't know. I still think she is seeing someone else, all the more reason to go NC. Thats definitely what she wants.

[LifeIsGreat]

If you keep doing the wrong thing, you can't expect 'right' results. When you keep getting good advice that you won't take-- well, don't expect miracles with your ex.

[marqueemoon4]

If you keep doing the wrong thing, you can't expect 'right' results. When you keep getting good advice that you won't take-- well, don't expect miracles with your ex.

 

I know. This is a huge weakness of mine. Anyway, other than annoying her it doesn't really matter, the marriage is done.

[dreamingoftigers]

If I thought there was even a 10% chance I could save things I'd definitely do it. She is absolutely not going to budge. And like I said, I continue to make things worse by pleading with her to save our family, and she thinks I'm guilting her by saying how its hurting our son. She comes back with the standard "this is better than having him be around parents who are in an unhealthy marriage". I absolutely agree with that, but I truly believe we could create a healthy environment for all 3 of us. She says if we ever got back together all we would do is fight because "thats what we do". I have taken 90% of the blame for the failure of the marriage, she doesn't want to even take 10%. Its not what she wants anymore, I guess she wants to be on her own and have me as a babysitter and ATM, nothing else.

 

Doesn't help she looks incredibly hot every time I see her either.

 

Okay, I said Divorce Busters because they specifically tell you not to beg and push your wife back into marriage because that won't work. I strongly suggest that you at least look it over. The biggest recommendations are that you create a healthier life for yourself to give your marriage the best chance. if she just expects you to act the same as you always did, then of course she will accept no responsibility for the dissolving of your marriage. If she sees solid change of your part, she may change her mind. Even if there is only a 1% chance, you deserve to tell yourself and your son that you tried everything that you could, even though it may have been too late.

 

At the very least it will help you to prepare for the possibility of having a healthy relationship in the future.

[marqueemoon4]

Okay, I said Divorce Busters because they specifically tell you not to beg and push your wife back into marriage because that won't work. I strongly suggest that you at least look it over. The biggest recommendations are that you create a healthier life for yourself to give your marriage the best chance. if she just expects you to act the same as you always did, then of course she will accept no responsibility for the dissolving of your marriage. If she sees solid change of your part, she may change her mind. Even if there is only a 1% chance, you deserve to tell yourself and your son that you tried everything that you could, even though it may have been too late.

 

At the very least it will help you to prepare for the possibility of having a healthy relationship in the future.

 

 

Dreaming thank you so much for your feedback, it is really appreciated. I did check out the divorce busters website, read a lot of the articles as well. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is she has pretty much gone NC on me for 5 months, and has convinced herself that this is the right thing to do. If I do NC going forward it won't change anything, but I guess its the right thing to do, to respect her wishes. I hate this feeling of helplessness, I know I have changed a great deal and I believe 150% that positive things would happen for all of us if she would give me one final chance. It feels like she is punishing me for my bad behavior, and refuses to believe I am capable of change. She also seems to be in denial that she has any issues that need to be addressed. I have been in therapy weekly since August working on my issues, and will continue to.

 

It breaks my heart because its hurting our son, he wants to see his parents together and happy. He constantly says he wants to see mommy and daddy together. I do my best to distract him or let him know that he'll see mommy soon and that she loves him. I have proven to her that I can be a caring, loving and responsible parent. I believe I can be just as good a husband as well. I can't imagine any other woman, friends, or anything else being more important to me than being a full time father to my son and having a happy, healthy family. Unfortunately its completely out of my hands at this point.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming thank you so much for your feedback, it is really appreciated. I did check out the divorce busters website, read a lot of the articles as well. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is she has pretty much gone NC on me for 5 months, and has convinced herself that this is the right thing to do. If I do NC going forward it won't change anything, but I guess its the right thing to do, to respect her wishes. I hate this feeling of helplessness, I know I have changed a great deal and I believe 150% that positive things would happen for all of us if she would give me one final chance. It feels like she is punishing me for my bad behavior, and refuses to believe I am capable of change. She also seems to be in denial that she has any issues that need to be addressed. I have been in therapy weekly since August working on my issues, and will continue to.

 

It breaks my heart because its hurting our son, he wants to see his parents together and happy. He constantly says he wants to see mommy and daddy together. I do my best to distract him or let him know that he'll see mommy soon and that she loves him. I have proven to her that I can be a caring, loving and responsible parent. I believe I can be just as good a husband as well. I can't imagine any other woman, friends, or anything else being more important to me than being a full time father to my son and having a happy, healthy family. Unfortunately its completely out of my hands at this point.

 

I hear you. I really really do. It is very hard when the walls go up so high you can't scale them. Stick to your changes and then after a couple more months of NC (she will notice) write her a letter before she files.

 

Outline any changes you have made and underline the fact that in your history you have not been an ideal spouse but that you are in fact a willing spouse. It is last-ditch but that way later in life you can show your son what you were willing to do and be.

 

As well, if she is punishing you, she would be able to see the effect and if you don't give her one by going NC, it takes away that power. I would still talk to one of the coaches just because they have been doing this for so bloody long that they may have some suggestions you may not have thought of.

 

I am not trying to suggest that you hold off on healing from the split. Just that 1% would need to be put completely to bed before moving on or else you may end up consuming yourself with "what ifs?" later on, even if you are 99% sure you know what the deal is.

 

Also your posts were pretty depressed-seeming (I don't blame you) and often depression happens when you have lost some of your personal power. Part of taking that back would be exhausting ALL angles so that you know you have that father/husband self-worth in the bag, even though it was late in coming.

 

I wish you the best. I know it is brutally hard to be the one dedicated to the child & family healing.

[marqueemoon4]

I am dedicated to our child and family healing.. but its a classic case of too little too late. I don't want to come off as some poor victim.. I did make a lot of mistakes, didn't treat her with the respect she deserves, and did not put family first alot of the time. Our dynamic was that I was a solid provider, but very judgemental and not always supportive. As I mentioned also I did have a problem with saying very demeaning, hurtful things during fights. Unfortunately a lot of them hit close to home, and once something has been said it can't be taken back.

 

She was/is a very caring, responsible mother (almost to a fault), but I felt she wasn't supportive emotionally and could very cold and distant. She also had very little interest in intimacy, but she blamed that on the fact I wasn't nice enough to her. She also put our son way ahead of me from the day he was born (8mos before we were married).

 

I don't know.. everyone says she doesn't love me and I need to move on. Since our big blowup at the end of July I have spent so much time with therapists and like mentioned before recently went on an anti-depressant for the first time in my life. It has definitely helped, a few months ago I was in much worse shape, and contemplated suicide. I never in a million years knew this could be so rough, how much I'd miss her and my son. I hate how things are now, and as May approaches it's probably going to get even harder. This isn't even taking into account how this is going to wreck me financially, as she is probably going to try and take as much from me as she can.

 

I can't believe something that was so happy and positive in Sept 07 has become so awful a short 3yrs later. I hate feeling helpless.

[marqueemoon4]

Thinking back over the 8yrs with this person, she is a NC expert. 2yrs after I met her we broke up for awhile and I dated someone else, and she knew about it. She knew I went to Atlanta to visit her, and that she had come up to visit me for a weekend as well. SHE NEVER SAID A WORD even though I know it was killing her. No phone calls, no whining, begging, nothing. It hurt her bad but she took it like, well.. a man. Sure enough I decided that even though the new woman had a lot more going for her, that I missed my ex and contacted her again asking to see her. She came back but was sure to let me know just how badly I had hurt her. I'm sure she never forgot this.

 

And now, 7months after leaving, she has NC'd me completely with the exception of talking about our son. Its been easier for her being the dumper, having planned out the whole thing behind my back, and the fact it appears she has no feelings whatsoever for me anymore. Still though, I had to marry someone who can be incredibly cold and heartless. Lucky me.

 

We have a court date for support on thursday. I don't plan on texting her even about my son anymore. She can text me if there is anything I need to know. I told her not to text me anymore about him, that when I had him it was my time and if she needed to know anything I would be sure to let her know. I folded on that in about 2 days, I felt guilty.

Edited January 3, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

I'm just going to chat with myself here

 

This woman is a ROBOT. She has been completely predictable, like mentioned before and shows no weakness whatsoever. There is nothing like pulling a relationship from the fire, but its not going to happen in this case. She could see our son anytime she wants when I have him but she chooses not to. She could've seen me at any time over the last 7 months and chooses not to. She totally turned the tables on me, because I was always the one who cared less. She must really love the control she has right now. I asked her how she could be so heartless and cruel to the father of her son, she replied: "sorry, I don't have any answers for you right now."

 

Why do I never learn my lesson and realize when I'm taking someone for granted?? I hope to God I learn from this one, it's been the most painful experience of my life.

Edited January 3, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Nightsky]

Asking her questions she’ll find insulting will only make the situation worse.

 

I doubt very much your wife is enjoying any of this. Separating from your spouse is one of the most stressful things most people will ever experience. Add to that there is a child involved and I guarantee this entire situation has caused her a lot of grief.

 

Accept that you have no control over the situation. Please believe you will get through this.

[marqueemoon4]

Asking her questions she’ll find insulting will only make the situation worse.

 

I doubt very much your wife is enjoying any of this. Separating from your spouse is one of the most stressful things most people will ever experience. Add to that there is a child involved and I guarantee this entire situation has caused her a lot of grief.

 

Accept that you have no control over the situation. Please believe you will get through this.

 

I think its a hassle for her from a legal perspective and is time consuming, but I don't think its bothering her emotionally at all. Again, she thinks if we ever got back together all we'd do is fight. I've taken responsibility for causing a lot of the conflict, and would do anything not to fight with her. As you mention, its out of my hands. I'm struggling so hard to accept this.

[dreamingoftigers]

You seem to be pretty obesessed with her motives and your reason for coming here seems to be only to prove that she is heartless. You made your point.... but so what if she is? How does that help you?

[marqueemoon4]

You seem to be pretty obesessed with her motives and your reason for coming here seems to be only to prove that she is heartless. You made your point.... but so what if she is? How does that help you?

 

Really? I just reread my last post and it doesn't mention anything negative about her at all. Its about my struggle to accept my role for the failure of our marriage and coming to terms with the fact she doesn't care anymore. To come to terms with the situation with our son. Yes, its hurts terribly still that I won't be in his life every day, and yes I miss my wife. I would do anything to mend our relationship, no matter what it took. But as she stated, "I made my bed now I have to lie in it". Its easy to say that and put all the blame on me because she doesn't care. If she desperately wanted to make things right between us she would have to take some responsibility. It's much easier (for her) just to quit and move on. It absolves her of any wrongdoing and renders my feelings completely invalid.

Edited January 11, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Darren Steez]

I'm sorry but it sounds like a whole lot of whining to me, you were partially emotionally abusive to her and probably that eroded alot of love from the relationship when someone makes the choice to stand up and punch someone in the face that's a very big deal. You write this under the headline STBXW is cruel, yet it is you that can't seem to deal with the fact the she's made a decision to move on and you don't like it..whatever the circumstances that occurred before ( it seems like she was working late..maybe an affair?) who knows? Look it sucks what you're going through, but you are doing you and your son no favours by being so limp. Let her be cold if she wants to, but you can still see and be a good dad to your boy. Make this a fresh start and try to change yourself for the better, maybe you can take the moral high ground, but you are not going to win her back by whining and crying, do you think she wants to come back to that, especially if she's seeing someone else. You need to move on, if this relationship was meant to be, then it will but not at this juncture, there is too much hurt at the moment, things need to settle down and heal. Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

I'm sorry but it sounds like a whole lot of whining to me, you were partially emotionally abusive to her and probably that eroded alot of love from the relationship when someone makes the choice to stand up and punch someone in the face that's a very big deal. You write this under the headline STBXW is cruel, yet it is you that can't seem to deal with the fact the she's made a decision to move on and you don't like it..whatever the circumstances that occurred before ( it seems like she was working late..maybe an affair?) who knows? Look it sucks what you're going through, but you are doing you and your son no favours by being so limp. Let her be cold if she wants to, but you can still see and be a good dad to your boy. Make this a fresh start and try to change yourself for the better, maybe you can take the moral high ground, but you are not going to win her back by whining and crying, do you think she wants to come back to that, especially if she's seeing someone else. You need to move on, if this relationship was meant to be, then it will but not at this juncture, there is too much hurt at the moment, things need to settle down and heal. Good luck.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm sorry but it sounds like a whole lot of whining to me, you were partially emotionally abusive to her and probably that eroded alot of love from the relationship when someone makes the choice to stand up and punch someone in the face that's a very big deal. You write this under the headline STBXW is cruel, yet it is you that can't seem to deal with the fact the she's made a decision to move on and you don't like it..whatever the circumstances that occurred before ( it seems like she was working late..maybe an affair?) who knows? Look it sucks what you're going through, but you are doing you and your son no favours by being so limp. Let her be cold if she wants to, but you can still see and be a good dad to your boy. Make this a fresh start and try to change yourself for the better, maybe you can take the moral high ground, but you are not going to win her back by whining and crying, do you think she wants to come back to that, especially if she's seeing someone else. You need to move on, if this relationship was meant to be, then it will but not at this juncture, there is too much hurt at the moment, things need to settle down and heal. Good luck.

 

 

I agree with what you're saying, and yea if I could change the title I would. I am seeing my son and we have an excellent relationship. My fathering skillz have improved exponentially, about the only good thing that has come of this. You're right, I don't like her decision, but its hers to make. Unfortunately its has cost me dearly emotionally, financially, and with time with my son. I know, sh*t happens, but after being there for her for 8yrs, everything we've been through, the negative impact its having on my son, and the fact I have made real change in my life that she will never see makes it extremely hard to let go. Divorce was never an option for me, and we never really put much work into our marriage. At the present time I see my son 28.5% of the time.

[marqueemoon4]

Another thing I wanted some clarification on.. last time I talked her (yes, bad idea) she said she has a group of friends that "adore her" and treat her great. Thats fantastic, I always encouraged her to make friends, but she is now twisting it saying I gave her a hard time when she wanted to go out. Complete nonsense. Another thing, talk about comparing apples and oranges, you can't compare how your friends treat you compared to how your husband treated you, thats two completely different things, two completely different dynamics. My friends like and respect me and I feel the same way about them. I would never compare my friendships with my relationship to my wife.